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FH is having a breakdown

lil_teapot's picture

FH completely lost it last night. He freaked out about the skids and their irresponsibility and how demanding they are. He went off to work after a complete screaming tirade about them and a little about me, but then apologized to me, but kept up on them about how ungrateful they are and the whole thing.... He completely lost the plot.
So, during our convo I talked calmly to him about guilt parenting and all the stuff we talk about on here that bioparents do that makes us nuts, and subsequently affects their kids negatively. FH was taking it in during his screamfest...and when he calmed a little he absorbed more.
So, he made ME punish them last night. He declared no phones, internet or playing outside for the night...and made me enforce it. Frankly I felt it was unfair because what they did didn't warrant that type of punishment but I backed him and carried it through after he left. I had crying upset skids, and had to explain to them that dad is under heaps of stress because of his job, yadda yadda yadda--and that he has new rules we must follow because if we(them actually but I didn't want to say it in a way that would make them feel like I was pointing blame) can't follow the new house rules, they'd have to spend their time at their mom's and only see their dad EOW.
So I wound up having to drive across town to bring FH his dinner that he'd missed. The skids were on lockdown at home and were ok after we talked. FH had calmed down but realized he needs more therapy like NOWish, so he's going later this week after I get outta work. Hopefully he'll start taking more to heart of what the counselor said about guilt parenting and being less of a wuss in making them behave.
I'm not sure where we're going to go...if we'll stay together or not. I feel terrible for the skids...they've been through alot and frankly their behavior that causes fh so much trouble is his own doing. Hopefully therapy will help him see that and encourage him to do more parenting. Maybe we'll even start our family rule book we were supposed to do like 2 months ago.
Anyways, I'm hoping things start to change for the better now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hugs, LT


JMC's picture


because the rules either were let slide when it wasn't convenient to enforce them or they weren't enforced at all - there was no consistancy. Since SD17 lives with her grandparents, DH never knew what was going on (and heaven forbid that they would tell me anything!) until FIL would explode & call us saying we had to come get this kid because she couldn't live there anymore (which, btw, he always calmed down and said she could stay.) FIL now has what he calls a demerit system and "sanctions" for SD17 but he's not consistant with that either. Maybe if SD17 was in a more stable environment the rules might work better, but I'm not willing to allow her to move in with us & until her behavior has improved. SD17 informed me from the get go that she was "too old" to change her ways and therefore she would not listen to or abide by "my" rules; hence the reason she does not live with us. She has a BM she can go live with if she so chooses, but she doesn't want to live with BM & BM certainly doesn't want her living there either.

lil_teapot's picture

fh and i..and have it around where the skids can see it so they know what's expected of them. That's separate from 'chores' that we pay them allowance to do.
The family rule book goes both ways--they can make rules too(within reason) about being respected and not screamed at, etc. The shrink said this was what we should do.
Sounds good in theory so everyone is on the same page, but we haven't started it yet...fh isn't so good with giving the skids any restrictions what so ever.

Sherw's picture

Unfortunately, sometimes things have to reach bottom before they get better and once the enabler sees the errs of their ways. I could only get action out of the bio dad when I broke red to make him see what guilt parenting was doing to his kid. They need to understand they're not doing the kids any favors by NOT enforcing the rules and only making life difficult on themselves. Hopefully, counseling will help now that he's reached a breaking point and wants to see a positve change no matter what! There has to be rules followed up with consequences so everyone knows where they stand...especially the kids. Best of luck to you all.

***We're too blessed to be stressed!***

lil_teapot's picture

I know fh is a the end of his rope with the skids behavior but he just has been b*tching about it, not fixing it. So now it's biting him in the a** big time because he can't take any more.
We absolutely need rules enforced...we do have rules but he doesn't enforce them, or slacks after a few minutes of punishment because ss13 fights him verbally on EVERYTHING.
Hugs LT