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frustratedinMA's picture

So.. we had the skids this weekend. A couple we know stopped by, and started chatting w/the skids yesterday. They asked if the skids were all set for school w/their supplies and clothes.. (we never thought of asking.. not sure why!?!) and sd9 says, no.. We have to wait til everything goes on sale. The only things on sale right now are tank tops.

Ok.. our friends looked horrified, I was embarassed.. Not sure dh heard it. So SD9 goes on... about saving money and how much things costs... yadda yadda yadda..

I am not sure if Bm expected us to go get them things for school in light of this revelation on Labor Day, or what.. but I am done giving her extra. She gets $850/mth for two kids.. Two years ago, we purchased $500 of school clothes, backpacks and supplies for the skids (since she had not) on TOP of the CS... She never said thank you. The following year, we would have done the same, but then she purposefully treated me as if I didnt exist.. so I didnt suggest to DH that we go buy them stuff. This year I was VERBALLY told that I dont exist, dont matter and am NOTHING.. so OF COURSE I didnt suggest helping her out. I am done helping out someone that is continually rude and unappreciative.

Before I get hollared at, I do know the skids are the ones that suffer, but my inlaws purchased the skids 2 outfits each for school over the summer, bm has a dh, bm chooses to NOT work.


StepAbove's picture

I used to go through this all the time myself. Except BM in my situation does work.....

However, I do know how you feel. Paying all the chid support, having the kids most of the time, doing all the extras, then she wants us to buy school cloths to??

It makes you wonder, What does she spend her own money on, or the child support.

But, and here's the suckey part, the kids still need the stuff. I plan every year how much we'll be spending on SD14's school stuff. And then I take her and buy the exact amount DH and I agreed to spend.

My DH is a rare breed though. He's great about things like this. He'll understand where I'm coming from. But let me tell him no, that's what the child support if for and we aren't spending it and the fight will be on. So I learned to pick my battles. And this $50.00 wasn't one of them.

Sometimes if we show DH we are giving a little to they'll give back. But I know if I push he'll push back! Smile

frustratedinMA's picture

I guess I am pushing back on the bm, considering she questioned how I spend MY hard earned money. I told her that day (in May this year) that my money was none of her business, and I will STOP spending it on her kids.

Do I think the skids will completely go w/o? no. My inlaws purchased 2 outfits for each of them. I know this ONLY because my MIL told me she bought them.

We are planning to start a family of our own, and I dont want expectations to be that in addition to CS that we pay for all the extras too. I dont think that after we have a child that we will be able to afford $850/mth in CS and school clothes and supplies for the skids and be able to give our child clothing and such as well. We will have to pay for daycare, as I will not have the luxury of staying home w/my child because of the high child support on the other two.

My sympathies for the bm has just run dry. I think its an attempt to get more $$ out of us, but I dont think she will let them completly go w/o.

northernsiren's picture

We had the annual school supplies shop this weekend ourselves. SD said she needed an umbrella and rain boots this year, and despite the fact F pays $875 plus health insurance for ONE kid, when SD's grandfather tried to buy her an umbrella apparently BM stepped in and said "NO, don't buy that, her father has to buy that for her". We spent about 100 bucks on things for her this weekend, no clothes yet other than gym.

I've come to the conclusion after hearing about BM stopping the grandfather from buying things for SD, that she wants him to have more money to spend on her latest brood, and not to spend any on SD b/c her father should be doing it. Note there is NO stipulation anywhere that F will pay ANYTHING beyond the ridiculous child support, but if he refuses, BM just says "well, your cheap bastard father won't pay for it, so you can't go on the field trip, or have those pens," whatever.

Even if in some realm she did agree, I know she'd go on the cheap and but the poor kid the cheapest most crappy stuff available, and I won't have that. Not saying she gets Prada purses or anything from us, but at least she gets decent things that aren't going to fall apart in a couple of days.

I am now, however, saving all receipts for these extras we pay for. F is horrible with that stuff, and I am on a mission to support our custody case, so I bought myself some "supplies" for documenting all of this while we were shopping! Wink

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

happygolucky's picture

We too had to buy all of SD13's school clothes, and school supplies. BM would have sent her to school in shoes with holes and jeans that are too small. SD13 grew three inches. I was livid when I found out there was NO supplies bought. We too pay a fortune for child support $1k a month for ONE child, plus all medical, plus all travel and any school activities (piano lessons, basketball etc.) Where the heck is the money going? That is a lot of money for ONE child. At least SD13 is appreciative of what we got her and is learning to take care of it. I could still strangle BM though!

chaotic's picture

We had to buy the skids school supplies this year because BM flat out refused to. She called BF and told him it was his responsibility to buy the supplies and when he told her that no it was her's and she needed to buy them out of the $1000/mo in child support she gets, she downright refused and said that if he didn't buy them the kids would go without. We really had no choice but to buy them. The skids were with us the first week of school and we did not feel right about sending them to school on the first day with no supplies. God, I hate the BM! She doesn't work either, just sits on her a$$ and thinks the world owes her everything. We also bought them new school clothes for our house but those clothes are not allowed to go to BMs. I feel bad for the kids because of course she didn't buy them any new clothes for school so when they are with her they go dressed in rags and hand me downs. It makes me ill!

Sia's picture

inexcusable that some BM's wont provide for their children based on the premise that DH's will do it. Of course they will, they ACTUALLY care that their children don't go to school unprepared.

frustratedinMA's picture

I just think that if we give in to her, that she will expect it each year. I know that going forward, if we are successful at starting our family, that money will be tight.. and I will be damned if I have a child go w/o, because she spends her $850 on herself and her freakin hobbies.

I dont know why this is irking me so much.

Sia's picture

"I dont know why this is irking me so much" -- I think you do..... It's hard earned money that isn't being spent where it should. That always got in my crawl too. I would be pissed about it too. Face it, we ALL (well most) of us work HARD for our money and can't fathom tossing it out the window!

Unfortunately for us, we were NOT allowed to question where the money was going as she did not owe us any explanation according to the court system. I feel this is WRONG. Why does she get to spend the money on whatever she wants? Why shouldn't she be held accountable? My SD16 receives SS benefits on behalf of her mothers mentally ill status. She has to account for EVERY F'IN PENNY. Why is it any different for BM's or for that matter, ANY custodial parent? This is one of those things that gets under my skin.

When we were paying CS, there were times we went w/out just to pay the CS which was way over what we should have. It took years to get it lowered. While she made 3x as much money as DH and I did together and blew tons of money.....if we were 1 day late, she would call raising 10 tons of hell.
Tables are turned now, and I think Karma had a hand it that! It'll come back around for you too, you just have to be patient.

frustratedinMA's picture

I think you hit the nail on the head. Yes.. Its hard earned money going out the door every time something comes up. I too think that the bm's should have to account for how the money is spent. At one point, the bm said to me that the CS was not enough to feed a family of 5 for a month. I corrected her and said, I think that is because its meant for 2 skids and ALL of their needs, not just food. So she admitted that its for the "family" and not the skids.

Also, she asked my dh how I spend MY money! We have NEVER asked her how she spent the CS.. we know! So for her to ask how I spend the money that I work for infuritated me.

I do hope that some day it comes around. We will see.

now4teens's picture

Our BM has made that EXACT same comment when crying poor to the kids about the CS not being enough to support a family of "7" on. WTF???

At the time, the the CS (over $4200/month) was for the 3 girls, but the way crazy, entitled, greedy BM looked at it, the CS was indeed supporting:
*the 3 girls
*her new husband
*her new husband's child from a previous relationship
*their new child

BM saw CS as their only source of income to support their lifestyle. BM doesn't work- she doesn't want to put their new child in daycare (boo hoo). New husband doesn't make that much money, so their only real souce of income to support their lifestyle (while she continually refuses to buy ANYTHING for the girls- including school supplies) IS the CS.

No wonder she's pissed off that it's reduced $600/ month for the 2 girls to $3600/month (which I think is still INCRDIBLY HIGH). When it's your only REAL source of income to support a family of 7, any decrease is a problem.

Just waiting for 20 months from now when the next SD turns 18 and it gets reduced again...

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

frustratedinMA's picture

HA.. its going to be a rude awakening when all your skids hit 18. For us we have to wait til the skids graduate at 19, as she held them back a year (probably to prolong the child support).. I can not wait til the free ride ends.

frustratedinMA's picture

Every year those kids do go to school w/stuff.. I dont know if its a waiting game to see if DH will do it. What she seems to forget, is that DH is thick. He either didnt hear sd9's reponse, or it didnt register.. and I didnt bring it up later (I know.. evil sm)..

Its just that.. when you budget your money.. you have expectations, and when someone just DECIDES that someone else should pick up the tab, they have no idea what the real situation would be.

Bm's dh is a lawyer.. I am sure that he can afford new clothes for the skids if she has pissed away the money on her hobbies... and things that are not solely for the skids.

Elizabeth's picture

BM never buys school supplies in our situation either. Husband used to try to get her to pay half, with no success. So I understand your frustration. What I did one year was buy about half the supplies. I then marked them off on the list and sent it to BM. We'd met our obligation, and if she didn't do her share she'd look like a schmuck. She, of course, put minimum effort into the whole thing and sent the list back with only a few of the things on her half. I still felt better in forcing her to buy SOME things.

With regard to new clothes, my opinion is that they are not necessary. I only buy BD5 one new outfit, to wear on the first day of school. This year my parents also bought her an outfit, so she had two. But she has plenty of other clothes, she doesn't need a whole new wardrobe. And neither do the stepkids.

My other pet peeve with SD is that she always wants the most expensive stuff. So if there was a generic brand that was exactly the same you couldn't buy it for her. I used to take her school shopping but stopped after she pulled this a couple of times. Notebooks would be 10 for $1 and she'd want the ones that were $1.99 each. If I said I wasn't paying that much she'd say BM and grandma would. Fine, then let them buy them. Sure enough, she'd come back with the 10 for $1 kind. Ha!

frustratedinMA's picture

That was a good idea, the splitting the list up. I do remember you were the custodial parents w/NO CS. She should have been helping w/those supplies and clothes.. for sure.

smurfy1smile's picture

My brother is having the expensive clothes problem with his BD17. She cried to her dad (they are in the process of a divorce and she lives with mom) that people would know she was wearing a shirt from last year from XYZ store. Who cares? Be happy you have nice clothes in the first place.

I am grateful my kids are not fussy about brands and stuff like that.

Sita Tara's picture

When SD's behavior exploded she didn't get new school clothes. She tossed FIVE hardly worn pairs of jeans that aren't "tight enough" for her at me a few weeks ago demanding new ones. She became infuriated that she would have to start school with the one pair of tight enough to show off her butt jeans she has from last year, and the new Nikes she insisted she needed before her trip to CA three months ago.

"Am I supposed to WEAR the SAME pair of jeans EVERY friggin' (Oh yeah- she says FRIGGIN' to us) day?!?!"

DH- "Well, you could wear one of the five unworn pairs of jeans you got last year and refused to use because-"

SD "I NEVER even WORE those! They don't FIT! That's not FAIR!"

DH- "Ok, you're choice."

SD- Mumble mumble mumble...

I'm awaiting BM's call about her 365 bucks a month. Sorry hun, but that goes toward feeding your daughter's food binging -no cereal, ketchup, apples, granola bars, potato chips, pizza left for anyone else self. Braces are coming up at around 5 grand, and BM's never never never paid her percentage on ONE medical bill. We paid all school fees (30 bucks so far) all school supplies (well over that I'm sure) all soccer fees for four or five different teams in the past year, plus uniforms, plus school/sports pics, plus 1200 for our new security system we were forced to put in to keep my 13 year old SD in the house at 3 am.

OH yeah. AND...

Virtually ALL CARE of SD for all but 8 whole days since school let out and started again, since BM stopped taking her for 99.9 percent of her visitation.

365 bucks. Oh the injustice of the bias for BMs in the family court system.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Sita Tara's picture

And gratitude for what you do. They sound like normal kids, given a tough blow, who are choosing to embrace the gifts they've been given rather than focus on the loss.

I think you are doing something right Cru!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

frustratedinMA's picture

Sita.. omg.. I would have said the same thing.. Too bad. Especially if they were thrown at me. My skids have been demanding stuff more and more lately. Demanding we take them places, demanding we buy them stuff.. I have had it. Dh's CS goes directly from his paycheck into HER bankaccount. he is never even a day late.

We had them again this past weekend. No one was around to ask about school clothes and supplies, nor did we. SD9 brough w/her the dress my MIL bought her for school. TO PLAY IN.. its a gorgeous dress, I asked why it wasnt allowed at school, she said something that sounds very BMish and stated it was a school policy. I will be looking that up today.

Next 2 weekends should be skids free.. Thank god, I get a break.. and w/the morning sickness, I could sure use it!

Sita Tara's picture

ENJOY them.

I have a certain level of nostalgia for the trip SD took for five weeks this past summer. My inlaws SAY they want to do that every year, and if they go on vacation they want to take her. YEA!

Those five weeks FLEW by. Then came back even more entitled and angry at us for not being Disney aunt and uncle. I am going to tell them next year that if they want her for half of the summer again, it has to be the SECOND half. Then I can look forward to it!

Oh- and I don't think she actually threw the jeans at me, just in a pile in the hallway for me to get rid of, along with a ton of wearable clothes that are no longer "her style". My favorite thing was seeing the robe I got her for her thirteenth b-day last Jan, never worn, that is covered in pink red and white hearts (the card told her that I wanted her to feel my like she was hugged and loved whenever she wore it) ummmm yeah. Another gift tossed aside. She would rather run around the house in a towel then yell at my sons if they see her in only that.

She is going with a friend to help her soccer team pick out their hoodies to order right after school, then soccer practice from there. I won't see her til my sons and I get home from our night out!!!!!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra