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Question for all the sport-familes(hockey, soccer, baseball, etc)

lil_teapot's picture

What is normal? Do step and bio parents attend sport functions (i.e. planning party at coach’s house)???
I just don’t know how this all works. The skids hockey coach is planning a party-thing at his house the 28th. It’s so all the new parents can meet the old and kind of lay out a guide for the coming season.
I’m upset because bm will be there…and to say we don’t get along is a vast understatement… My dilemma is how do I handle this “correctly”? So I'm asking you all...the Miss Manners of Step Parenting. lol
My fh has a habit of twisting things and trying to make me think I’m crazy, so his opinion on this is completely biased. He wants me to go with him and acts like it’s no big deal, I should be there, yadda yadda yadda. However, I personally feel sick inside over going and seeing 1)bm and 2)bm friends on the team. I’m sure there are some who dislike her or don’t care either way…but I feel sick about having to see her and her cronies.
My instinct is to not go. FH can go…I don’t care. But FH does care—he wants me to go…tired of going alone…blah blah blah.
Here’s my deal…in my mind, I’m the stepmom, who gives a rats azz if I’m there or not. As far as bioparents go, I don’t count/don’t matter. So I figure, I’ll go to a game or two during the season and if they wind up going to the championship, I’ll go to that. But all this day-in-day-out “sport lifestyle” crap…to me that’s the bioparent job, not mine. I mean if there were no bm…if she was out of the pic, of course I’d have to step up and go…but she’s alive and well (unfortunately) so she’ll be there. Plus fh really really wants me to go to all this stuff--he's trying to remake me into a hockeymom(step?). He wants us to do alot of this together as our "couples time". But to me, it's just cruel and unusual punishment to subject me to this kind of bm-stress when I've been very good the last couple months and don't deserve this kind of punishment.
So my question to all the sport-families out there…how much participation by me is really necessary? Like I say, fh twists and confuses things so he can get what he wants (which is to not go alone), and I am completely horrified/sickened at the thought of going(thanks to bm)…so we’re not able to see eye to eye at all.
Anyone have any kind of advice????


lollipopzgirlz's picture

Trust me; I know crazy sports involvement. Both my biokids and my steps. You do not have to be there...go to a few games during the year and you might befriend another mom or two. However, you will just look pushy and out of place at the party with bm being there. Just don't be too eager to push your way in, the other parents will think you are being obnoxious and its not worth it if BM is still really involved. Do you really want to be that involved...not really. Go to the games occasionally and that should be good enough. Or have your husband not go and let BM plan it. Does your step really need 3 parental type units to plan a party?

KittyKat's picture

For many upcoming events with the skids, including graduations, weddings, funerals, etc. Sure, it IS uncomfortable, but it IS reality.

If FH wants you to go, then go. You don't have to spend the whole time there, just make an appearance.

I think about this for next year with my daughter's sports. For "family pictures" when she gets awards, I feel my now DH should be in the pictures (she is here a lot more than she is with her BioDad) as well as her BioDad. Although he is not her "real dad", he pays for many of the groceries here, for her sports equipment, etc. Her BioDad (long story, job loss...) hasn't paid CS in years. She sees him once a month, at best, simply because she is so busy with things that 17 year old girls do!!

I honestly don't think the above scenario would cause any hard feelings for anyone. BioDad is very thankful for all the things my H does for BD (car maintainence, too....).

It DOES take time for this to feel "normal", LT. I went to two showers and weddings for my H's Ds...their mom was there, we spoke cordially, and she thanked me profusely for the gifts I purchased for them. You don't have to be "best buds", but if you DO want a future with BF, you WILL be a part of an "extended family", like it or not...:)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

lil_teapot's picture

BM is evil...she'd like me squashed by a bus...I have done nothing except stand up for my home and keep her out.
I guess I'll have to go then if that's what fh wants.

libby's picture

I have to deal with this twice per week and after a hell of a year last year. With the physcobitchs husband coaching the team - from badmouthing us to accusing us of drugging up and drinking at the games - compete untruths and was later fired from a volunteer position, because of this. This year has been a lot more smooth sailing (to date) with a neutral person as coach.

My suggestion is to go and get to know the other parents its not a competition it a bunch of parents supporting their kids, you as a stepmom can show interest in your step sons life and be a support system for your husband - as hard as it is just ignore BM. Dont talk to her or about her, be polite, who knows maybe someone you know will be there.

Do what I do put on a cute outfit smile big. Make sure everyone can clearly see why he left that ole ho bag and is married to you!

lil_teapot's picture

that I should do stuff for the skids. It's hard though. BM makes me sick.

lil_teapot's picture

not that it's a bad thing. The bm I'm sure would like to be out of alot of this for her own selfish reasons--but I know a first it's going to be hard because she'll want to milk the whole poor me routine...which is really sick because she cheated and left, but never lets go of her poor me routine.
You sound like fh in that you don't care what anyone thinks. It just seems so hard here to do that. I'm not sure how people are where you are, but here they are like those snappy, snotty bitches on Real Housewives of NY...just unbearable, I can't go them one little bit!
I'm going to take your advice and do what I gotta do...

Ascoolasiam's picture

It is uncomfortable but the things worth doing in life often are. I don't know how your relationship is with your SK,s but my FSKs love that I go to their games and events when I can. Now if my BKs have things at the same time I obviously go to their events. My FSKs are older though and they understand I can't be two places at once. It is challenging with my three all in dance and the FSKs in basketball but we do our best to support all of our kids. My FSKs BM respects me more that I do take an active interest in her kids' lives. She and I are on the same page when it comes to things that are important to the kids. Just think about what you are teaching the children. Unless the BM is downright nasty and toxic to you when you are there, I'd go. It seems like it is very important to your FH. You can share with him your concerns about going and maybe explain that you'll attend games and championships but prefer not to have to attend the planning meetings and things like that. Marriage is about compromise especially so in second and third ones where one's actions tend to affect a lot more people.

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous

lil_teapot's picture

and I agree...the problem though is the bm is absolutely hatefully evil. I'd love for fh to compromise with me but he's like a whiney 5 year old and won't because he only knows he wants what he wants.
I'm trying to balance his seeming neediness with the way the bm makes me physically sick...
I'm hoping we can come to some sort of agreement because the stress is killing me.

onehappygirl's picture

The Wookie signs SD up for EVERYTHING under the sun! So, what I started doing was signing BD up for everything SD was signed up for. (They're the same age) LOL!! That way, I am there for both of my girls and I don't give a $#@! if the Wookie likes it or not. I cheer for both of them and I'm quite vocal about it. Even on the Wookie's weekends, at the end of the game, SD will run to me and DH and give hugs before she runs over to her mother. It's funny to watch the Wookie yell, "Hey SD, SD, I'm over here!" Another funny thing is that SD doesn't really care for soccer. She's very happy to sit on the bench and draw in the dirt. My BD on the other hand usually plays for almost the entire game and is one of their best players. It's so cool to hear other parents yell "All right BD, good block!!" (or something of that nature). While I want both of my girls to shine, I get a small little thrill knowing that my daughter is better at the game than her daughter. So, go to the games, cheer for your S-kids, and pretend that BM doesn't exist.

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

The Principlist's picture

I did not finish reading the blog. Please forgive me. Need to go start dinner. I wanted to say that you should just GO and support the kids. I KNOW it is annoying and oftentimes uncomfortable. SUCK it up. Your presence there says 1 - I AM important and I am here. 2 - OTHERS see you there and involved so they know the face and 3 - THe boys see you there and appreciate it because I'm sure they know how uncomfortable it must be for you.

SS is involved in Football. SD was involved in Cheerleading. BM would run around like a male dog trying to piss on every pole or tree or fire hydrant to say "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" It used to annoy the hell out of me until DH made a very cool statement to me one day. He said, "Babe, let it go. Don't worry your head about what the other people think. If BM wants to go around shouting at the rafters 'I'm the mom!' Then let her. People are not stupid. No matter how loud she yells, I'm sure everyone notices that when it is time to leave, the kids come over to you and I and WE leave together as a family. Some things are self explanatory." Hmmmmm I say. Never looked at it that way. And it is true. I realize that with BMs Bipolar, that yes I may be uncomfortable because of her games, (BUT I never let her or anyone else see me sweat) BUT she is even more uncomfortable. All I need to do is show up and the funny thing is that BM LEAVES early everytime. She stays the duration when I'm not there.

As far as how we do it. BM is whereever she is. DH and I are usually in our chairs chillin'. We aren't running around saying LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. So, it actually makes her look bad and others uncomfortable. I take a book with me and sometimes read. Funny thing is it ALWAYS brings another parent over to say "Whatcha reading NOW?" We then get into conversation about books or reading or just in general, BUT notice that I am STILL sitting in my chair and folks are coming to ME. Forget about her. Find your own way, but don't stay away. Your not being there says that you are not involved. There are problems. You do not support the kids. Blah blah blah. Find something you love and sit there and pass the time.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

smnikki's picture

i had the same stress, and fh still wanted me to come!

yesterday, the parents of a child came up to fh and i and started talking, bm was so annoyed. she thought because she brought ss and the snacks for the day some how she was the only parent there people could talk to.

i do respectfully disagree though with you needing to do this for the skids, there is only one person you should be doing this for, and thats dh. you really dont owe anything to skids, we do quite alot for them as it is!

Maybe after a couple times if it truly is horrible and bm pulls anything then you can have these examples to go to him and ask that he please understand why you dont want to be there.

BridgingTheGap's picture


popgoesmybraincells's picture

If you can go to the party, it would probably be a good idea. Not only are you supporting the skids, but BM probably feels the same way about you. So you being there is just a passive way to get back at her Wink Hold your head up high and ignore her. Let her get all stressed out about it, lol.

It also depends on your relationship with the skids. Are you close with them? If you are, then I'm sure they'd love it if you were there, and it would help your relationship with them.

I wish we could do sports with my SS. But because BM has most of the weekends out of the month, it's not possible unless practices and games were during the week. She will NEVER give up her "precious" time (get off her lazy azz) to take him to games and practices when she has him.

lil_teapot's picture

I'm trying to figure what is right and I really appreciate your comments. FH thinks I should go if I want to and if I FEEL like going. He understands(as best he can) that the bm has caused my anxiety disorders to flip into overdrive, so attending anything where she will be is cause to up my meds and have a stiff drink beforehand.
So, in supporting me and my "disorder", he has backed off forcing me to go or guilting me...instead he's trying to support me if I want to go and trys to encourage not push. Hopefully he'll stick to it and not go back to bullying.
Love y'all!