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Deleted call history...what do you think?

lil_teapot's picture

I have been wavering between leaving fh and staying over the last couple months. FH has been working hard to make things right between us. He sincerely seems to have changed or 'understand' how his behavior has affected me and has helped make our life very unhappy at times. He really has been different with me--not in a fakey 'I'm trying to sucker you into staying' way--but more of like he truly has been changing and changing for the better.
However, here's the but... I have been deciding for myself if it's worth staying or leaving, yadda yadda yadda. Same old thing--do I stay or do I leave? I've been heavily leaning toward leaving and have been making plans to do so. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for--maybe I'm trying to see if his changes are for real, and if he is really the kind of person he seems to be--of if he's just pretending to be a decent humanbeing.
Anyways, I looked through his phone this morning(yeah yeah I know...) and i discovered that he has no call histories--he's deleted them all. No incoming or outgoing. Now, funny thing is he called me last night and talked for 34 minutes according to my caller id--but he has no history of the call--except I checked another part of the call timer thing and it showed that he had a 34 minute call. I don't think he knew enough to erase this part of the call history thingy...and I know this was his call to me. However, there are like no incoming or outgoing call histories--and no texts in his box except one I sent him last night. Now he does get a fair number a day from the skids and me but none were there.
I realize people erase text messages cuz there's so many of them...but to delete his call history?! That is more than suspicious. I'm absolutely certain it's happened before since I'm a 'phone checker' and have done so for a long time. I don't want to get into the rightness or wrongness of phone checking--I don't do it because I think he's having an affair--it started as me just being curious as to what goes on in his life because he's a large-sized clam when it comes to communication. After I started checking, and he knew about it, that's when stuff got deleted. That really upsets me because I'm an open book about my phone...he can use it/check it whenever he wants, but he chooses not to "because he trusts me"--I don't look at him going through my phone as a trust issue, but more of him being curious about who I am and what goes on in my life...and it seems he doesn't really care apparently or maybe I'm just messed in the head.
Anyways, I am very very angry over him deleting his call logs. Like I say, it has nothing to do with cheating and all to do with honesty and trust. I couldn't trust him to not empty our joint bank account of $200 dollars--he never told me, and our account wound up closed. That's just case in point of the lack of openness and trust here. I know he used the money on our vaca, but it doesn't mean there was a blow to our trust/openness when he took the money w/o telling me....just as this is a blow too because he doesn't share his life w/me.
Sorry to be so long here.... But what do you all think of him deleting his call histories? I think it seems very suspect and I am quite certain this is going to be the straw that broke the camel's back and I'll be signing a lease elsewhere very shortly.
What do y'all think about this phone thing???


Jbee27's picture

And I've had good reason to. I'm not going to tell you you're wrong for doing it because that would make me a damn hypocrite.
I pay the bill, I want to know what's going on. Maybe that makes me a neurotic control freak, maybe it justifies my actions.
Who knows.
But I for one, do it. I shouldn't, but I do.
If I don't find anything, I feel better. If I do, I get upset. Why I do that to myself, I don't know. But not finding any "bad" calls or texts puts my mind at ease. And yes, I feel the same way when I look and there's nothing to look at. It makes me wonder who he's been talking to. Sometimes, its nothing (because I can check to see what numbers are called and texted online).
I think we need a support group to help us stop! LOL!

lil_teapot's picture

I know it makes me angier when I see this stuff, and it never is my intent. I just wanna see what's going on, u know? not that I don't trust him, I just feel left out or something and curious about how he spends his time and who he's talking to because he sure doesn't tell me.

Amazed's picture

because it reminds me of my ex. he used to delete his call history,his texts,his computer history and stored was weird. I know it's supposed to be 'wrong' to snoop but when you get shut out, you have no choice but to snoop in order to find out the truth. I know they say ignorance is bliss but damnit I'd rather know the truth than be blissfully unaware. You should get an itemized bill from your phone company...take control of this before it gets out of hand. He could be doing something innocent but could still be afraid of upsetting you so he's hiding it OR he could be doing something not so innocent. That mystery isn't going to get solved unless you do something. The other ladies may think I'm wrong but I'm only speaking as someone who almost checked herself into an mental health institution because her ex kept saying, "im not doing anything wrong! You're crazy! My call history has nothing,my computer history has have no proof! You're insane!"

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

lil_teapot's picture

That's soooo me!!! I think he's trying to drive me insane, but that's antother topic...
I just get curious and then I find something that makes it worse for me.

Rags's picture

I don't do it to hide anything, I do it to keep my administrative time on my e-mail, text and call logs manageable.

Is this a change in behavior or is it something he has done historically? If it is not a change then there is nothing judge him on IMHO. If it is a change, talk to him about it and find out if he may have decided that it is easier to keep his messages and call logs to a minimum. Or, if he had to reset his phone for some reason. My phone will lock up occasionally and I will have to pull the battery to reset it.

I think you have a decision to make. Do your trust him, or don't you? That is the question IMHO. If you do, do not make this a bigger deal than it really is. If you don't, why don't you trust him and can you learn to trust him?

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

lil_teapot's picture

it's just the text box being empty doesn't bother me...its the call logs. Seems really fishy
the phone is brand new so I have a hard time believing it locks up on itself and he needs to reboot it...he does't even know how to reboot the pc(serious!)

stuknaz's picture

How do you know He did that?? Sometimes phones take a dump which means they clear everything. The phone will "dump" all messages, history, phone calls(in/out) everything!
My phone does this I think once a month. I have a Blackberry and it will clear out everything. You will have no record of anything. so maybe he didnt do it and the phone did it on its own??

"And this too shall pass..."

lil_teapot's picture

That's kinda good to hear so I don't get all's just that the phone is brand new(less than 2 weeks old)
I hope it did it....I'm going to ask him about it tonight.

lil_teapot's picture

i have a sinking feeling it's because there's way more bm contact than he's letting on...not that he wants her(necessarily) but I know she's not done w/him--she likes him as backup incase things go south with her old man.
I think he might not want to upset me with her constant barrage of calls/texts...but I'd rather know than not.

lil_teapot's picture

i could try to log in but I cant figure out his password...which makes this a little worse. he has one password for EVERYTHING so it seems suspicious i doesn't work for this...maybe it's too short, but maybe he doesn't want me in there. In any case, I'm going to ask him about it tonight.
Not to sound bossy or evil or something,but this is going to be the push i need to either stay or move out...because despite his best efforts now, he still is hiding things and that aint right!

LotusFlower's picture

I am on Verizon too, and I had to lengthen my usual password to be accepted on Verizon...if its any Verizon password is different from my others cuz they require a certain format that is longer than I usually use...

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Sia's picture

password for everything too and also had to vary mine a bit for verizon. If you are truly concerned, you can go online and buy a little device that you can insert his SIM card into and then put it into your drive on the computer and it will pull up all calls, texts, phone #'s, etc (even if they have deleted). Like a comp, the card keeps the info even if deleted. A bit spyish, but it's out there!

October8's picture

you know how I feel about your situation. There is no point in driving yourself crazy over something you can't control.

If you choose him, then you know all the pros and cons already. If you choose you, you know them as well.


One can only hope!

lil_teapot's picture

That's exactly how it seems to be with me...all this 'secret' communication between fh and the bm and the skids all happens when I'm not around or fh is at work, "safe" from my evil influence because you know I make him do bad things like cut off contact with bm.(can you smell the sarcasm?lol)
This is case in point of why 1)I don't think being a second wife/stepmother is the job for me and 2)I have turned into a person I never used to be. I never used to be so angry/sad all the time until I got involved with fh. And I love him and his kids,I really do...and he really is trying to make this work, BUT he just can not even begin to understand what you just said.......that it always feels like THEM against US...and we're always the single gazelle picked out by the lions. Frankly, I have enough drama in my life from the freaks I work with,so I don't need to go home and reenact scenes from National Geographic. I personally think I'm going to be calling it quits, I don't know about you Crayon. It sound slike we have had alot of things happen to us both, and I don't know about you but I'm damn tired of all the drama.....What I dream about isn't my big fat wedding day(again lol) and all the fairytale stuff--I dream about eating chocolate while laying in the bathtub, or having expensive smelly french cheese while sipping wine as I wait for dinner to finish cooking...I dream of just not feeling like I want to vomit at the thought of having to go 'to that place'--which most people call 'home' and I think of nothing more than a place of mental torture... I think I'm ready to bout you???