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Poll question for everyone: Is BM family acceptable in YOUR home???

lil_teapot's picture

Here's a quick question for y'all.
I live in the house fh shared with bm...she's still on the mortgage but he has title(don't even get me started lol).
Anyways, they lived there for 13 years.
I gave up my condo to live with him and we got engaged.
The Bm hates me, has sent threatening emails, etc...has made my life miserable--I won't even go to functions where she is at because she makes me physically sick.
So knowing this, fh golfed at a charity event for his ex bro in law, which really made me mad.
Now he wants to let skids have their cousins (bm's nephews) over while I'm at work. And to make it worse, when their dad (bm's bro) comes to pick up his kid, fh wants to know if it's ok to have him in.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am seriously pissed off and like she-hulk enraged by this. I think my fh is forcing me to accept things that my gut tells me are NOT ACCEPTABLE because he is really ramming this stuff down my throat.
This hasn't happened yet--having these people around--but it is in the works and is coming so fh wants to know what to do. I told him oh hell no and flipped a bitch...but him and his wonder-shrink said I'm bad, nuts, bitchy, etc and just plain WRONG.
I don't care what anyone says, MY heart, my SOUL and my gut are telling me it's WRONG. I hurt inside and am physically sick trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
My head logically says it's just people, but my HEART and GUT are saying it is disrespectful to me and our home to allow bm family there.
There is no reson why the skids can't see their cousins at their mom's house...this is just crossing the line...and in our life there are no boundaries and that is really getting to me.
I am ready to throw in the towel and walk away--absolutely, positively this time...I'm tired of feeling sick at the thought of coming home from work(to pay for this home that isn't MINE) and finding BM-family (or maybe even her) in my home.
What do you all think? Am I nuts for putting my foot down on having bm-family in my house???
Honest opinions are very much appreciated--you can tell me if I'm
Thanks Smile


BMJen's picture

Your SK's can see BM's side of the family when the SK's aren't at your house for visitation. There does not need to be any family of BM in your home: Unless you approve and don't mind.

Your feelings should be respected!

I would tell him no.........tell him why.......and that would just be that. It's YOUR house to.

~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~

lil_teapot's picture

Sometimes yes, but often no where bm/family is concerned.
I might be ok with the kid being there but nobody asked me--instead I get whaacked by fh saying he didn't "dare" to allow it because he "knew the reaction he'd get from me"--like I'm some sort of horrible child-eating ogre because i don't want bm's family in my house.
What hurt more was that he didn't even give me the consideration of asking me--it's like he doesn't have any faith that I could be ok with it Sad What kind of husband doesn't have faith in his wife? Sad

lil_teapot's picture

is that bm doesn't live that far from us. The skids could have seen their cousin over there if they biked over. Nobody was home at bm's but that should be ok--I mean bm is happy to send the kids over to our house when we're not at home. The whole thing is so unfair and one sided.

belleboudeuse's picture

If you and your BF had a working relationship where he respected you enough to not spend time with his ex-family-in-law (at, say, a golfing event, things like that), you would feel comfortable in your relationship and respected in your own house. In THAT case, I would say, Lil-T, I think you are being a little harsh -- I don't think it's so much to ask for the cousins to come over every ONCE in a while. And then I'd say, yeah, why not have the ex-bro-in-law in for a FEW MINUTES (maybe for a cup of coffee or a beer) -- it's good PR, makes you look good, and solidifies in one member of BM's family the idea that you and BF are now a family.

However, that's not the case in your situation. You have ongoing difficulties with BF respecting your boundaries and you guys have difficulty being on the same page. So, this situation is different viewed under that light. Perhaps you should tell your counselor and BF that you need to start feeling respected and listened to in your own home -- it needs to feel like YOUR home with BF, not BF's first and foremost -- BEFORE you can start being comfortable with things like this. I have a feeling that if you felt respected and like your boundaries were solidly in place, that this issue would feel like a minor discomfort to you, rather than a full-blown HELL NO!!!


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

lil_teapot's picture

That's exactly what I tried to explain to fh--he doesn't get it. The shrink doesn't get it or care--it all has to be framed as "what's in the best interest of the skids" which doesn't help--it makes them spoiled, self-indulgent and demanding.
I can't tell you how much it means that you get what I'm feeling...cuz that's it exactly! Had FH given me a safe home that felt like mine, it wouldn't have been an issue at all, but I just don't have a home--nothing that's "mine".

WowjustWow's picture

with BB. It would be different if you didnt' always feel like you are being pushed into BM's mold of their past life together. A new house would change things dramatically for you I think.

It would give everyone a fresh start to make new memories together as a blended family, not as LT coming into BM's old stomping grounds.

Luckily for me, my in-laws hate BM as much as I do and she doesn't have any family so, no worries there. And all of their mutual friends from long ago can't stand her either. They adore me and tell DH they don't understand how he was ever married to BM.

~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.

Sita Tara's picture

DH was with BM from his senior year of high school on. He has now know her family for 25 years. I would never dream of telling him he can't hang out with them.

But I am not a jealous person, and they have been nothing but nice and gracious toward me. Well the ones who are sane and I have met anyway. BM's sister and her family have been so jaded by BM trying to dictate their friendship with DH, and telling them they are not allowed to be friends with me, that they don't talk to her anymore. BM's sister and her daughters babysit for us. Not SD anymore...but BD 3, and BM's sister is so crazy about BD 3, she's always dropping off little gifts for her, just like she did for SD growing up. I think that's so amazingly gracious of her. They attend some of our cookouts and b-day parties too. I'm amazed as they are very conservative and old fashioned and impressed at their ability to see BM for what and who she is.


If you don't like BM's family and don't want them in your home, I think that's ok. But if your Dh wants to meet BIL for golf or a drink, then I don't think it's fair of you to dictate he give that relationship up. As long as the BIL seems respectful toward you during their time together. I think the same way about the cousins by the way. They didn't divorce your SK's and are their family. If your home is your SKs home, then they should be allowed to visit.

BM? No. BM's adult family? Well...only if they're dropping off their kids for a visit that you've agreed to.

Keep in mind that I have a really good relationship with my ex, SM, her kids and extended family, and BM's family who have accepted and respected my place here. I don't know if the extended family has given you cause to feel so uncomfortable around them or their children, so if I missed that my apologies.

jojo71's picture

BM is gone (died in Feb) and before that she was a total mess (BP, alcoholic, MD) so she wasn't in the picture a whole lot then either. Her family almost looked to me as *finally* a stable mother-figure for SD8, so they have always been very accepting of me. Because of this, I have also felt very accepting of them coming over to visit with SD8 anytime, hanging out with them at her soccer games, having them at get-together's at our house. FH doesn't *hang out* with them except at events like those mentioned, but he does speak with them a lot because they are very involved in SD8's life. I would never have a problem with this because I know he's involved with them solely for the benefit of SD8...not because he's buddies with them or anything.

BM however (before she died) is another story. Didn't want her in my home and really gave FH hell one day for letting her use our bathroom (our master bathroom, not even the guest bathroom). This wasn't because I hated her (I never hated her really...just felt sorry for her condition more than anything) was because she was SO unstable, I was afraid of what she would do in my home (I could just imagine her going through my things).

Sita Tara's picture

And that is a very big part of why my SD doesn't have a key. I never had a key growing up, b/c my parents wanted to be aware when I decided to sneak in the door at night Wink and I think my kids will have the same rule. I did give a key to BS 15 so one of them has one, and he's been responsible with it. This is going to really sound ridiculous to some, but my exH has a key and it's highly convenient when we're not here and the kids need something. ExH also knows our ADT security code. But he also does a great deal of handyman work on our house. I know I know- We're WEIRD.

But we are all family and it works for us. SM and I have coffee. I think my positive relationship with my ex and his blended family was one of the reasons DH fell in love with me. He knew I was a very open minded and secure person. Others might see us as not having good enough boundaries. But I think we've managed to rise above the situation. It took the right combo of egos to make it work though and I know it's not for everyone.

Of course...if I ever get my house in amazing shape all the way, and SD were to bring BM in I am not sure I'd mind her seeing the amazing make over I did to "her" old house!

I'm not perfect or above showing her up once in my life Wink

lil_teapot's picture

If I was around and could participate, it would be different but it is always me working and god knows what happening in my home. Makes me feel sick to my stomach all the time wondering what the hell is going on there....

Sita Tara's picture

My exH was married before me. Very young and it didn't last much past their 1st anniversary before they separated. I was only 19 when we met and it was hard for me to handle him having been married before. I would even say my immaturity and insecurity over that made me jump into marrying him just so I could be as important as she was to him.

Oh blessed hind sight!

Anyway, I have said before that she wanted to "remain friends" with him and tried to get him to meet her for a drink, or would come over to visit their mutual friend who lived in the other half of the duplex when I was at work, so that she could visit my then BF eventual H without having to acknowledge or get to know me. THAT was NOT KOSHER. When a mutual friend met me and told her how nice I was she called bawling, asking him to come up the street (you read that right) to talk to her. He refused, though I'm not sure he would have if I wasn't home as they were "still friends" and all. Though he DID make an effort to keep her in her place for my benefit. Such as not returning calls from messages I gave him. Which backfired as she just assumed I didn't give them to him. So once she called and told me that her dad really needed to talk to him. Of course he was still on friendly terms with his exILs and I had no issue with that, but really, WHY wouldn't her dad call him himself then?

So that time he called back and she admitted she lied so I would give him the message. He told her that he didn't think it appropriate that they talk all the time, and let her know that we had become engaged. She cried again and never called again. But throughout our whole marriage made attempts with mutual friends/family to triangulate and exclude me from things like a mutual friends baby shower with all of my then H's family and family friends there, exw threw the shower with my then SIL etc. I was not invited. How did that look? ExH and I stopped hanging out with his family after a while, and them allowing her to do that stuff to me was a big part of it.


I get it I really do. But from a first and long ago marriage. Your DH should be more understanding and try to accommodate your feelings. If they want to be "friends" and he wants to be friends with them...then you should be included. Of course...that means you have to be open to that part yourself. Only you can figure out which is better for you.

lil_teapot's picture

Here's the thing.... it's about keeping the lines of communication open. And the problem is that he is "a bad communicator"--according to the shrink and others. HOWEVER, he is not a bad communicator with the BM. He always responds to texts and emails if they involve the skids...which don't have a problem with. The problem is that he CANNOT communciate with ME.
He should be calling/texting me so we're on the same page on ANY issue, but he doesn't. He and bm share info and I'm left I get mad. And he blames me for beign mad and "he's not a great communicator". I talked with him and we were supposed to always talk amongst ourselves before agreeing to any bm crap--cuz hello it does involve me if it means my money or my house...but he isn't doing that either. He's just very disappointing

lovin_my_life's picture

It's true; they can't act like they want a realtionship with DH because it's not fair to BM.... HOWEVER.... DH's family goes to BM's house all the time! The spend holidays with her etc... We are rarely ever invited to DH's parents house for anything! In fact, when they asked what we were doing for the 4th we said that we didn't have any kids they instantly said that they should call BM and find out if they can drive down for a visit. They've NEVER been to our home and to be quite honest, I don't want them there....

FallingfromGrace's picture

Respect is a two way street. You must feel comfortable in your home, relationship and own skin before you can trust enough to give him some slack. It is a never ending circle...the more slack he wants the more you pull him in...and I am the same way. It wouldnt be such a big thing...if you felt like you were FIRST and the rest was just details...but instead you feel like you are a detail and everyone else comes first!!!

I hear ya, Lil T and I am in the same spot in a lot of ways! Stay strong, girl.

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."