Advice to SM from a former SM and a current BM
Hi all!! I want to start off by saying I am an old member who came here to vent about my ex SD and all of you were so wonderful in helping me through it. Thank you :)
My circumstances have changed and I left my abusive ex who I had a SD and my own son with. I am
Happily married to a wonderful man Who is a wonderful father figure and amazing husband . My sons dad is “happily “ engaged to a women he met off tinder a month ago.... with 4 kids and 4 different baby daddies. I won’t say anymore lol .anyways So now to her I am the dreaded BM.
long story short I’m an ex step mother and now I am a current ex BM. You know... the one we are all here to complain about lol .
As a new BM and ex SM... I just wanted to share some tips with all of you as a huge thank you. To help everyone understand the BMs side. Trust me it’s way less drama than you think lol. Ok so here’s my thoughts and advice to all wonderful SM out there:
Please do not be jealous of us.
I know all of you want to say I’m not jealous she is a bitch and blah blah blah. But let’s face it girls.... in someway you are jealous of the birth mom. Just stop it. Trust me we don’t want your man back. We know his flaws. We know how terrible he is or can be. We know you fight. And we know you argue about us. If anything us birth moms feel very sorry for you.... because not only do you have to put up with our darling bratty children... but you also have to put up with our crazy ex’s. And then get no praise for it. My heart goes to you.
We don’t want your man back
comment above like I mentioned... we know his flaws... we left him for reason... we know what a piece of shit he is. We don’t want him back . Even if he wants us back trust me we would run away at the chance if he ever did ask us back.
Yes we worry about our children when they are visiting with you
I know when the BM calls it can be a pain in the ass and I get it that some people get anxiety. I used to get it as well. But please understand We call our children because we are worried about them. You are a stranger to us. We don’t know you, yet we are supposed to trust you with our most prized possession. If we want to call our children please let us. My exes new fiancé he met one month ago off tinder is so jealous of me she would not allow me to call my son... so I bought my eight-year-old son an iPhone so I don’t have to call his dad and she still even jealous of that. Please don’t be this way. We are just concerned for our children.
We are not jealous of you
To be honest we don’t even think of you. We are happy you have taken our exs off our hands. Because without you our exs would be calling us constantly and harassing us. So I want to give you a big thank you. And please don’t argue about us to our ex. Trust me. Like I said we don’t care about you or our ex. We just want the best for our kids .
Do not trash talk the mom to the kid
It makes them not want to be around you.
Let the father spend alone time with his kids
This is a big one. Do you want to know the reason why the step kids don’t like you? It’s because they don’t get alone time with the other parent. My husband and I make sure my son gets one on one time with me. It makes him feel more comfortable. If you don’t let them bond with the other parent they will just hate you and blame you for everything ..even though it’s uncalled for.
Let the father and the birth mom take the child out together
I know this is a big one. But again it’s about trust. My ex and I still take our child out together and it’s best for the child. So he is happy on both sides. like mentioned birth moms want nothing to do with the ex. We just want our kids to be happy. So yes maybe let the dad and the mom take the kid out. They will appreciate you much more for it . You will not be seen as an intruder and you will be seen as part of the family when they get home.
I know it’s a lot of heavy advice and it’s hard to listen to. But as a person who’s been on both sides of the spectrum this is the most honest advice I can give to you stepmoms to make sure your life is as drama free as possible.
Because I’ll be honest...I learned if baby mama is not happy .. then no one is happy. I know you don’t like to hear this but really baby mom is the boss. She calls all the shots. You can be the best step mama in the universe... but you will never ever overrule the BM . Stop stressing yourself out over it. It not worth it. Just keep being the wonderful stepmother as you are. Trust me we appreciate it. Thank you!!!