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Advice to SM from a former SM and a current BM

Princessa1984's picture

 

Hi all!! I want to start off by saying I am an old member who came here to vent about my ex SD and all of you were so wonderful in helping me through it. Thank you :) 

 

My circumstances have changed and I left my abusive ex  who I had a SD and my own son with. I am

Happily married to a wonderful man Who is a wonderful father figure and amazing husband . My sons dad  is “happily “ engaged to a women he met off tinder a month ago.... with 4 kids and 4 different baby daddies. I won’t say anymore lol .anyways So now to her I am the dreaded BM.

 

 long story short I’m an ex step mother and now I am a  current ex BM. You know... the one we are all here to complain about lol . 

 

As a new BM and ex SM... I just wanted to share some tips with all of you as a huge thank you. To help everyone understand the BMs side. Trust me it’s way less drama than you think lol.  Ok so here’s my thoughts and advice to all wonderful SM out there:

 

Please do not be jealous of us.

 

I know all of you want to say I’m not jealous she is a bitch and blah blah blah. But let’s face it girls.... in someway you are jealous of the birth mom. Just stop it. Trust me we don’t want your man back. We know his flaws. We know how terrible he is or can be. We know you fight. And we know you argue about us. If anything us birth moms feel very sorry for you.... because not only do you have to put up with our darling bratty children... but you also have to put up with our crazy ex’s. And then get no praise for it. My heart goes to you. 

 

We don’t want your man back

  comment above like I mentioned... we know his flaws... we left him for reason... we know what a piece of shit he is. We don’t want him back . Even if he wants us back trust me we would run away at the chance if he ever did ask us back. 

 

Yes we worry about our children when they are visiting with you

 

I know when the BM calls it  can be a pain in the ass and I get it that some people get anxiety. I  used to get it as well. But please understand We call our  children because we are worried about them. You are a stranger to us. We don’t know you,  yet we are supposed to trust you with our most prized possession. If we want to call our children please let us.  My exes new fiancé he met one month ago off tinder is so jealous of me she would not allow me to call my son... so I bought my eight-year-old son an iPhone so I don’t have to call his dad and she still even jealous of that.  Please don’t be this way. We are just concerned for our children.

 

We are not jealous of you

 

To be honest we don’t even think of you. We are happy you have taken our exs  off our hands. Because without you our exs would be calling us constantly and harassing us. So I want to give you a big thank you. And please don’t argue about us to our ex. Trust me. Like I said we don’t care about you or our ex. We just want the best for our kids . 

 

Do not trash talk the mom to the kid

 

It makes them not want to be around you.

 

Let the father spend alone time with his kids

 

This is a big one. Do you want to know the reason why the step kids don’t like you? It’s because they don’t get alone time with the other parent. My husband and I make sure my son gets one on one time with me. It makes him feel more comfortable. If you don’t let them bond with the other parent they will just hate you and blame you for everything ..even though it’s uncalled for.

 

Let the father and the birth mom take the child out together

 

I know this is a big one. But again it’s about trust. My ex and I still take our child out together and it’s best for the child. So he is happy on both sides.  like mentioned birth moms want nothing to do with the ex. We just want our kids to be happy. So yes maybe let the dad and the mom take the kid out. They will appreciate you much more for it . You will not be seen as an intruder  and you will be seen as part of the family when they get home. 

 

I know it’s a lot of heavy advice and it’s hard to listen to. But as a person who’s been on both sides of the spectrum this is the most honest advice I can give to you stepmoms to make sure your life is as drama free as possible.

 

Because I’ll be honest...I learned if baby  mama is not happy .. then no one is happy. I know you don’t like to hear this but really baby mom is the boss. She calls all the shots. You can be the best  step mama in the universe... but you will never ever overrule the BM . Stop stressing yourself out over it. It not worth it. Just keep being the wonderful stepmother as you are. Trust me we appreciate it. Thank you!!!

Princessa1984's picture

I also forgot to add if you can be friends with the BM... or even just tolerate...then your life will be so much easier. Trust me. I wish I knew that advice when I was a stepmother.

ldvilen's picture

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."   Elbert Hubbard.

Leilene's picture

Are we basically supposed to make the bm’s feelings front and center of our universe according to you? As a former sm, you should realize that we have hopes and lifestyle aspirations beyond the ex and her child. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’d rather eat glass than being friends with that sub-human thanks but no thanks. I prefer maintaining boundaries.

i leave her be and so far she leaves me be. Perfect.

hereiam's picture

Hahahahahahahaha! Thanks!

*Edited to add the "thanks", didn't want to seem ungrateful.

 

ybarra357's picture

4/20 Mosking

Letti.R's picture

 A skipped dosage of meds too.

No offence to the OP, but you obviously have not translated  the experience of being a "SM" into being a "BM with a SM".
You got the GUBM part down pat.

When  you (OP) are able to understand someone eles's marriage and household is not about you and how you think it should be because you have a child in the mix, you may be able to be a successful BM with a SM. 
 Until then, Fail.
Or smoke more creative juju.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

"Because without you our exs would be calling us constantly and harassing us."

lol what? It was definitely the total opposite in our situation, but okay. 

ndc's picture

"Let the father and the birth mom take the child out together"
  
I was thinking, oh, maybe this isn't totally over the top . . . until I got to this one.  That would be a hard no for me.  I have no problem with SO and I being together with BM at kids' activities - we do it every week.  But there is no how, no way that he's going on outings with BM and the kids.  I can't even believe that's good for the kids - why give them any kind of hope that their parents will get back together and things will be the way they used to be?

In my particular case, I'm not jealous of BM.  I KNOW she doesn't want my SO back and I know why.  It's not like his flaws are hidden. She was a serial cheater throughout their marriage and she left him, so I have no worries there.  But that's not the case for everyone.  There are definitely BMs who are trying to get their exes back.  We've seen posts on here where men were cheating on SM with the ex and even went back to the ex!  And there are BMs who are actively trying to destroy their ex's new relationship, sometimes using the kids as their pawns/weapons to do so.  So while in your case or mine (and maybe in most cases) there's no need to be jealous or to think the BM cares about us, or to think that the BM might be calling her kids to stir up trouble rather than out of pure maternal concern, that's not true across the board.  Just saying.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Then there's the variety of. I'm not jealous I'm territorial. Psycho has shoved me to get closer to DH. Also has baltently tried to flirt with him. He shuts it down when he notices (or literally has scooted behind me when she tried to touch him. lmao). But she's still on my s*** list. Same as ANY other woman who tried to flirt with my DH would be. It's called. I don't like disrespectful little s***s trying to insert themselves where they shouldn't be.

Both her and her mom are known for trying to flirt with their exes. They're narcisissts who truly believe they could get their ex back in the blink of an eye because they're just "so amazing." Nevermind that serial cheating runs in the family, and neither is really a catch by any means. Unless you love being cheated on, crazy amounts of debt, every penny being spent, things being thrown at you, constant lying, inability to stay employed. Then totes a catch.

If anything she's jealous. Dying and cutting her hair like me and buying the same clothing... THAT screams jealousy. Also crazy. But we all knew that.

Plus she only pops in when she's either going to demand money OR use the kids and effectively cause them emotional distress.

SecondNoMore's picture

Some pretty big generalizations here based on your situation. You don't want your ex back because your ex was an abuser (according to you) who apparently has no standards at all because he gets engaged to people he knows for a month who have four baby daddy's. But maybe if he was decent man who attracted a better caliber woman and you weren't remarried and he was the one moving on first, it wouldn't be so easy. I'm sort-of appalled by the tone of the whole post and I'm not even an SM.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

I have to say, it seems to be usually the BM who is jealous of the SM.... is this a troll post ? 

Booboobear's picture

nope not jelous, have never been jelous, no one ever ever thinks of the BM and the skids never see or metion her now that they are grown up.   DH is the best husband in the whole world and there is nothing wrong with him.  we havent heard where BM is and dont care.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

If DH wants to leave me and our children for BM, who cheated on him, is highly dysfunctional and high conflict, then by all means LOL... there is ZERO to be jealous of BM for. I just have a HUGE problem with people who purposely try to cause problems because they're unhappy with their own life, when all I want is a quiet life with my husband and children . I actually had no problems with BM and got along with her fine in the beginning, until she amped up the crazy and trampled all over any boundaries. To me, that is someone who is jealous.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh yes. I'm so jealous of the 10-years older, frizzy-haired, horrible with money, horrible with social skills BM. I'm jealous because she popped out three fairly worthless and clueless wastes of space...I wish it had been meeeeee! I wish I were their mommmeeeeee!!!!

Um...no. Just glad they're out of my house for good now. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I know this one is not true: I learned if baby  mama is not happy .. then no one is happy.

The BM in my life was not happy for years and DH and I were happy as could be.

Your advice was way too generalized to be helpful. Even if my DH had never met another woman after BM, he would never have called her, let alone harassed her.

 

still learning's picture

It sounds like you learned some life lessons specific to you and your situation. As a BM and SM myself I recognize that there are definite trends in both roles and also very unique no one size fits all situations.  Speaking as "WE" for all BM's or SM's is a bit off putting because we all have different scenerios.  You sound very young, a lot of us older girls are beyond the jealousy, trash talking, and having to be at DH's side all the time.  

I take it you're no longer a SM?  Wise choice! Stay free young lady and good luck.  

TwoOfUs's picture

If this "princess" was actually born in 1984...she's not that young. 35 should be old enough to know better.

still learning's picture

Ha ha, true.  To be honest though I am apparently a slow learner when it comes to relationships as the hard lessons didn't sink in until 40 and I'm Still Learning.  

beebeel's picture

Kids are not "possessions." They are people. If we needed advice from some GUBM who treats her kids like property and calls herself the "BOSS," we would ask the whores who birthed our skids, thanks.

HowLongIsForever's picture

This whole thing cracked me up but I audibly laughed at your comment beebeel.

Thanks for the effort OP.  You read a bit as though your high horse is used for boundary stomping.  I guess at least you seem comfortable that you've seen the light and can excuse/accept your prior BMs treatment of you and your family so congrats on that?

Best of luck to all involved in your situation, kids especially. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm fairly certain I have read this article on Scarymommy or something before. But on the off chance you think you're being creative...

My DH would be hard pressed to piss on BM if she were on fire. Sure, he feels financially obligated because he actually made something of his life and can actually keep a job and has a wife (me) with income and employment, but actually wanting her back? Or thinking of her as anything other than human? Nah.

She's the one who wears low-cut shirts around him and flirts. She's the one who changed her last name back to DH's AFTER she divorced her new XH2 of 10+ years. She's the one who turns every drop-off into a 15-20 minute production as she recounts every bit of information possible in her life to DH. He ignores her calls and waits for the texts instead.

My only jealousy toward BM is that she was able to give DH kids pretty easily where DH and I are going to struggle a bit. Past that, not really sure what I should be jealous of. Her self-induced poverty? 250+ pound structure? Inability to buy herself anything? Horrible housekeeping (the kids smell of her home when they come over)? I'm looking for what there is to actually be jealous of...

And, finally, BM doesn't get a say in who DH lets the kids around unless a court says otherwise. Don't call on his time unless you have a CO stating it's okay, unless Dad has the same right, and/or Dad and Mom agree to a time and length. Let the parent with custody at that moment spend time with their kid. It doesn't matter if you trust your ex or not. They are either perfectly fine at taking care of the kid, or you're working with CPS to protect your kid. There is no in between.

But, you do you, OP. 

ETA: It's really hard to be friends or tolerate a woman who abused your DH and tried to PAS his kids from him. Like, really hard. I tried, thinking it was thw right thing to do. And no. Just no.

And don't ask me to trust your time with my DH if you don't trust that your DH, the father to your mutual kids, would vet the people he lets around them. Trust goes both ways, and you don't get to be the arbiter of it. You're not actually the boss. You're just the mom.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Jealous? Jealous of a bloated, hideous, chain-smoking loser? I have never felt envy or jealousy over my husband’s ex. Why would I? I’m better looking, a better person and a better mother. Good lord.

Also, she very clearly attempted several times to be alone with my husband. I’m not stupid, lady. His ex was trying to f*vi him which is hilarious since she rarely f*cked when they were married.

I will never make friendly with her. I set the bar much higher for my friendships.

NOT my whore ex not my f*cking PROBLEM.

Biowhore does NOT care about her only child. She has shown her lack of caring hundreds of times. She used to violate boundaries to screech her FAKE sob stories to MY husband. Stories that were irrelevant to garner his sympathy and god only knows what else.

FFS!

Jcksjj's picture

Please do not be jealous of us.

-We aren't.

I know all of you want to say I’m not jealous she is a bitch and blah blah blah. But let’s face it girls.... in someway you are jealous of the birth mom. Just stop it. Trust me we don’t want your man back. We know his flaws. We know how terrible he is or can be. We know you fight. And we know you argue about us. If anything us birth moms feel very sorry for you.... because not only do you have to put up with our darling bratty children... but you also have to put up with our crazy ex’s. And then get no praise for it. My heart goes to you. 

-You dont know of any BMs that arent over their ex? Really?

We don’t want your man back

  comment above like I mentioned... we know his flaws... we left him for reason... we know what a piece of shit he is. We don’t want him back . Even if he wants us back trust me we would run away at the chance if he ever did ask us back. 

-Why do you keep saying "we" as if you represent all BMs? Are you really that conceited? And do you seriously believe that the dad is never the one that chose to leave?

Yes we worry about our children when they are visiting with you

-Fair enough, but doesnt change the fact that on dads time it's his rules.

I know when the BM calls it  can be a pain in the ass and I get it that some people get anxiety. I  used to get it as well. But please understand We call our  children because we are worried about them. You are a stranger to us. We don’t know you,  yet we are supposed to trust you with our most prized possession. If we want to call our children please let us.  My exes new fiancé he met one month ago off tinder is so jealous of me she would not allow me to call my son... so I bought my eight-year-old son an iPhone so I don’t have to call his dad and she still even jealous of that.  Please don’t be this way. We are just concerned for our children.

-You're all of a sudden more worried about them being with their other parent because there is another adult with? Do you call all day if there is a substitute teacher at school also? Take a xanax and stop being a control freak.

We are not jealous of you

-Yes, obviously only SMs are ever jealous of BMs and not the other way around.

To be honest we don’t even think of you. We are happy you have taken our exs  off our hands. Because without you our exs would be calling us constantly and harassing us. So I want to give you a big thank you. And please don’t argue about us to our ex. Trust me. Like I said we don’t care about you or our ex. We just want the best for our kids . 

-You took the time to come back to a site for SMs and write out a long detailed post about your feelings toward your exes new gf, but you dont think about her at all. Makes sense.

Do not trash talk the mom to the kid

-Duh. We dont need BM to tell us that.

It makes them not want to be around you.

-hmm well in that case...

Let the father spend alone time with his kids

-Duh. Usually we want a break from them anyway.

This is a big one. Do you want to know the reason why the step kids don’t like you? It’s because they don’t get alone time with the other parent. My husband and I make sure my son gets one on one time with me. It makes him feel more comfortable. If you don’t let them bond with the other parent they will just hate you and blame you for everything ..even though it’s uncalled for.

-Interestingly enough most research I've seen says that the issue is usually BM making the kids feel guilty for liking stepmom. And was also told that in person by a counselor.

Let the father and the birth mom take the child out together

-Haha no. And as a child of divorce myself, not necessary or even healthy. Confusing and misleading for younger kids and awkward for older kids.

I know this is a big one. But again it’s about trust. My ex and I still take our child out together and it’s best for the child. So he is happy on both sides.  like mentioned birth moms want nothing to do with the ex. We just want our kids to be happy. So yes maybe let the dad and the mom take the kid out. They will appreciate you much more for it . You will not be seen as an intruder  and you will be seen as part of the family when they get home. 

-Right. Feeding a kid a fantasy of their parents getting along and therefore possibly getting back together by taking them out without us will make us part of the family. Give me a break, you're doing it for yourself because YOU want to. I dont need ODS father to come with us for outings because I'm over him. He could do it on his own if he wanted. 

I know it’s a lot of heavy advice and it’s hard to listen to. But as a person who’s been on both sides of the spectrum this is the most honest advice I can give to you stepmoms to make sure your life is as drama free as possible.

-ODS of mine has a different dad also. 

Because I’ll be honest...I learned if baby  mama is not happy .. then no one is happy. I know you don’t like to hear this but really baby mom is the boss. She calls all the shots. You can be the best  step mama in the universe... but you will never ever overrule the BM . Stop stressing yourself out over it. It not worth it. Just keep being the wonderful stepmother as you are. Trust me we appreciate it. Thank you!!!

-The only person affected by how happy or unhappy BM is is the kid that has to live with them. You're really struggling with having to be a BM and how your feelings now conflict with what you know about GUBM having been on the other side and knowing how crazy you look, arent you? Were you really expecting validation here? Also what the heck is a step baby mama? Sounds like a way to attempt to downplay the fact that SM (which would indicate exes wife) has legal standing that you dont (and actually is next of kin even before your kids) and you want them demoted to the same level as you. Please, go to therapy and work through your issues before you screw up your kids with your GUBM crap.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Baby momma might be happy if she wasn't so worried about overstepping boundaries and controlling everyone and overything. Maybe it would be easier to be happy if she worried about her own happiness on her own time instead of trying to stomp all over everyone else's? Or maybe if she realized she only calls the shots on her own time and in her own home?

shamds's picture

that as a bm you need to call your kid(s) because you’re worried that they’re with a stranger, that your kid(s) are your most prized possession, that dads need alone time with their kids, then your constant calling during his time when your ex isn’t doing the same, is you interrupting his quality time with his kids. 

Your kids are not a possession, they are not your property, they are human beings.

Often here the husband had to initiate the divorce because exwife was bat shit crazy, she pas the kids to the max, she did everything she could to sabotage the father of her kids and any relationship of his, she meddled, she involved herself in her ex’s private home life with his new partner/wife, she did not respect his and he new wifes boundaries one bit. Often the exwife is jealous that she can never measure up to the new partner who is a positive nurturing role model.

as a bio mum calling her child during dads quality time which he most likely gets eow or minimal time, you are not respecting his boundaries and quality family time. Often the bio mum meddles to such an extent that she is trying to make herself relevant to the exhusband and new spouse when she is not relevant as she is no longer family.... your points go both ways... 

i’m not jealous of my husbands exwife, she is batshit crazy, she kidnapped their 2 daughters, brainwashed and pas’d them out with her narcissistic/hcgubm complex, she dictated to hubby when he could see the girls because she felt she was above the law when no court order existed stipulating that- it was a rule bio mum created for control and power over her ex, she even went as far to dictate i must be present at all meets meaning my 2 kids aged 1.5 & 2.5 had to come along. That wasn’t her being a mum, that was her being out of line, thats her trying to control me. 

Dear bio mum, i stopped this nonsense a long time ago and ignored her petty crap just like hubby has for over a decade... don’t make yourself better than the new spouse or partner if you admittedly say she is a stranger to you because you don’t know her... all she sees is a meddling bitter exwife who can’t let her man just have time with his kid and not have her constantly calling all the time 

the alone time you demand with your exhusband that you are so glad another woman took off your hands so that you can spend alone time with your kids and concoct this imaginary happy family and basically tell the new spouse to stick it, is unhealthy. When parents divorce kids need to accept they are no longer together. 

Also when the bm cheated, sabotaged her husbands career and relationships with his kids out of pettiness and boredom, trust me hun, your exhusband just wants you to leave him alone and he never wants to be in your presence again. Mainly because you likely went batshit crazy during the divorce thinking you were above the law and play the innocent victim, you likely brought your kids into a private parent matter just to further prove you are the victim. You likely drove your husband crazy with your antics pre and post divorce to the point he is emotionally scarred for life. His relationships with his kids permanently ruined for life. 

Dear bio mum, how about you not trashtalk the stepmum and bio dad to your kids if you want the respect of not being trashtalked to your kids. Oh the hypocrisy in you demanding respect from the stepmum!! How can anyone respect you when you meddle, trashtalk, control, disrespect and sabotage any relationship the bio dad and stepmum can have with your kid(s) 

Accept the fact you are no longer together, that you’re divorced, that your ex has moved on, is trying to live his life and mind your own business!  So what, he met his woman on tinder, that doesn’t mean she’s horrible. Stop making yourself any more relevant to your ex. We know you’re the ex wife and bio mum so you don’t need to remind us and put yourself high on this imaginary pedestal! that doesn’t mean you get to lecture the new woman and stepmum,  because in doing that you are trying to control her which you have no right to so no wonder she wants you to not disturb her family unit. 

Remember bio mum, stop brainwashing your kids about everything to the point they feel compelled to report to dad and then kid comes back to your home and is expected to report back to you on whats going on, because after all that is how you likely found out about his new woman on tinder. How can anyone respect a parent who treats her kids (sorry possessions) as spies for her so she can sabotage even more their relationship and fight to be the apparent better parent. Newsflash, this doesn’ Make you a better parent but in fact a horrible one

You know what’s frustrating for the new stepmum, is having skids during their quality family time go on and on about bio mum and whatever is going on in her life, this is not at all important to your exhusband and his family unit and frankly is an invasion of their privacy and boundaries that you have no right to intrude on. Isn’t it hypocritical that the exhusband who has moved on, and his new partner do not demand updates on you yet you are getting your child to be a spy, that means you haven’t moved on because if you were glad someone took him off your hands, you’d butt the hell out!

yeah my husbands exwife did the same thing, made it like hubby was the horrible one, over time people saw how petty and pathetic she was with her antics, karma ended up biting her in the butt. Now she has her kids report to her about me, my kids and hubby. Why? Because she is bored, she needs to make herself the centre of everything when she isn’t, she needs to be in control so guess what? I took control back and refused to meet skids. Until they can learn to respect our privacy and boundaries, i and my 2 toddlers will not participate in any outings or family events that they’ll be present in and since due to the major pas and brainwashing by hcgubm and her narcissm, none of her kids I anticipate are capable of change

i now have 2 sd aged 14 & 23, courtesy of bio mum who feel they can lecture me on how i parent my 2 toddlers, that they can disregard strict instructions what my kids can or can’t do. You know how they learnt to be that way? Yup bio mum because they saw bio mum not respect any boundaries and meddle constantly and they see that as normal when it is not! 

god help their future spouses, they won’t see it coming until they’re  in too deep, how enmeshed bio mum is with her kids and they likely will never have stable relationships and this cycle of intrusion, narcissm, pas, disrespect of privacy and boundaries will continue down subsequent generations... thats on you bio mum! Thats the legacy you’ll leave for your kids and down your family line.

instead of you trying to lecture us stepparents and bio mums how to parent and live our lives, how about you mind your own business and be a better parent. 

You know the legacy i’ll leave for my bio kids? That they become successful positive individuals contributing to the world in their own way while you taught your kids to be rude, disrespectful, lazy, manipulative and narcissistic individuals who do not contribute anything positive to this world

i assume based on op profile name that you are 34 and born in the same year as me, trust me at that age you don’t know better than other parents in their 40s/50s. You are still learning and are not an expert able to lecture and advise us on stepparenting and parenting in general. I’m still learning how to handle things everyday.

EatThisApple's picture

I actually have a great relationship with my SS's BM. OP sounds like a child on a high horse who needs validation.

shellpell's picture

This is a really funny post- my bm thought that she could continue to play happy family w dh- constantly crossing boundaries. She didnt leave HIM alone. Lol. Ang guess what? In MY house, if I’m not happy no one is happy: BM can suck it. dH left her, not the other way around.

Leilene's picture

Our lives do not revolve around biological mothers and what they’ve done with their wombs. You do not get to hold the reins on a new woman’s private life because you shared your womb with the wrong man for you. Point blank period. Our households and marriages don’t have to be dictated by an ex and a husband’s former lover doesn’t get to infringe upon our private time at home with our spouses. Your child is not a free pass to be as narcissistic, demanding, and needy as you wish. No woman hopes for a marriage where the ex is even a factor let alone to the outrageously self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed extent you just suggested. 

Twix's picture

Maybe this post is a joke?

On the off chance it’s not, it sounds like you are hurting a lot OP. Sounds like he’s rushed into a new relationship and the  realization of what this entails has been a bit of a blow to your ego. So it makes sense your inflating the role you have left in his life, which is as the “BM”.

Oh and a small piece of advice would be not to get together with your ex and child..... he was abusive, why put yourself through that. 

katielynn's picture

I know we all come here to complain about the BM.... but this OP is Right. Let’s be honest with ourselves... We are here to complain about our stepkids... but reading this post made me realize that she’s right... there is a much bigger issue with all of us. We actually are jealous of the BM.  And if that’s her in the profile picture let’s face it... she’s absolutely gorgeous. No wonder the step mom is probably jealous of her . 

 

Maybe instead of complaining about her and telling her she’s stupid we should actually take her advice. All of you are saying she wants her ex back. But it seems to be the opposite . If any of you took the time to read it it seems that the current girlfriend is very jealous of her . 

 

Like I said I know we’re all here to bitch about the step kids but this sounds like really good advice. I’m going to try this. I will update everyone in a week or so. And then  will be able to get the better judgement of this advice.

Jcksjj's picture

Lol calling herself gorgeous...that so something BM here does when no one else will. Uses hashtags to hint at what compliments she is looking for and then if no one bites posts comments complimenting herself. Its really funny.

As if any of us could tell from that blurry of a pic anyway. I honestly thought she looked a little cartoonish just based on the face shape and stuff but that's really a matter of opinion so who cares. Must be some major insecurity there. Trust me, no one would rather be "the ex" then "the wife" especially when you take some of the situations into consideration. We all know what the deal is here lol.

Also, hate to break it to you but I had a child with someone before I was married to my husband that I now have zero feelings for. Literally completely indifferent. Not even anger, just nothing because I've completely moved on. So I know without a doubt that this fantasy BMs hold on to about how they will always matter or have a connection because of the child is just that- a fantasy. 

still learning's picture

Yes if that is OP's profile pic she is gorgeous and maybe the new gf is jealous of her but that is specific to her situation.  I can tell you that I'm not in the least jealous of the BM in my situation even though skids have tried to do weird things to encourage it.  DH calls me "The Upgrade" and "Wife v2."  If you saw BM you'd know why.  She's not hideous but is obviously not conscious of looking nice.  She looks like a wrung wet towel and that's being generous.  The only thing I lament is not meeting DH before she did.  

EatThisApple's picture

I meant the profile proclaiming she's gorgeous and rigteous is her secondary profile. Click on it. Location and identical writing style

I can't tell from a thumb sized pic, I assume she's average or at most, as pretty as me (on the outside). I don't flaunt my looks around like an insecure child with a bitter attitude. It seems so high school and irrelevant to our lives and family dedication.

OP needs to grow up, and like I mentioned in my previous post, get off her high horse.

shamds's picture

Trust me hun i am not jealous of bio mum. She can’t nurture, she can’t raise kids, she isn’t domesticated, she’s in her mid 40s with a walking stick because she needed to fake to her kids my husband did black magic voodoo crap on her so she could palm off the caring/raising of her kids after she kidnapped them from hubby. 

Bio mum is actually jealous of hubby because the wheels have turned on her and karma is a bitch. 

We sm do not need to take advice from you(op) and bm that have gone out if their way to sabotage a healthy relationship of kids with the bio dad and his new partner. Being petty that she is from tinder like she is low standard is so cheap, but i guess majority of bio mums are cheap arent they?

they freeload off the exhusband for child support and refuse to get a job and contribute their share of raising kids

Leilene's picture

Jealousy and envy are very multidimensional emotions and considering they’re often a passing phase, you can’t just assume stepmothers are automatically jealous especially if the relationship bm brought to DH’s life crashed and burned. 

Leilene's picture

This advice is likely to produce a fruitless lifestyle for a stepmother where she may as well be ready to bargain her own happiness and peace on a daily basis for another woman’s unnecessary desires and wishes, not her stepchild. Katielynn, if you are comparing your unique life and identity to another woman, then you’re neglecting your self-worth and sense of confidence. When you possess true, genuine, authentic confidence, no woman can invoke jealousy. Perhaps fleeting awe or appreciation but jealousy is a sign that you’ve got work to do within yourself and your life so that what no other woman has, even at it’s most seemingly best, feels like a threat to what you’ve got. Biological mothers are not perfect or do not automatically have easier lives for simply being a bm. Especially if they’ve had divorce tear through their family. 

Centering your precious, limited time alive around the concept of your husband’s ex and catering to her wishes is TERRIBLE advice because you would be sacrificing the potential of your own memory bank for a yesterday person, not a today person. You deserve to map out your life without your husband’s ex scribbling all over it or forcing your hand with the pen. 

Leilene's picture

Stepmothers, there is no reason to envy a body of experience that led to a dead end. Be it divorce, a long term relationship, or a one night stand: IT CAME TO A DEAD END and led the man in your life to you instead. If their collection of intimate memories and moments were so incredibly gripping, you wouldn’t be in the picture. For whatever reason, he stopped adding her to the cast of his story because she did not make the cut and instead, chose you to be gifted with staying power she can’t retain. 

It is entirely futile to be jealous of timing or time spent with previous lovers. Timing is sacred. Bm’s time in your companion’s life polished and prepared him for you. She was his practice run so that you could experience a more improved version. His time with her ironed out his flaws for the next companion: YOU! Biological mother was a necessary passage for him to enter into a better version of a companion . Don’t ever let envy deprive you of that reality. 

Leilene's picture

At the end of the day, we’re all women trying to navigate through an unpredictable journey but we’ve got to remain dignified in our unpredictabilities and steer our lives in the best possible, most healthiest direction. It is an insanely toxic idea to allow your man’s ex, a former lover...the biological mother of your husband’s child to become captain and give her total, sincere dominion of your journey. Being a stepmom doesn’t mean agreeing to sacrifice our lifestyle goals, hopes, and dreams. That’s not necessary to tend to a stepchild’s needs. There is a strong difference between a stepchild’s needs and an ex’s wishes. 

 

Hopefully, the collective feedback on this post can help the original poster see that stepmothers are not genies in a bottle who’s magnificent life purpose has been reduced to cater to their every wish. We are uniquely differential women with our own journeys to fulfill and we shouldn’t have to become subservient to a former lover’s wants just to know peace. It is an incredibly selfish, ugly thing for a biological mother to suggest she is the checkpoint for a stepmother’s harmony. 

Leilene's picture

And that’s for you too...remain dignified in the fact that you shared your precious womb with a non life partner. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. You gained a genetic gift and time only knows how your child will gift society and the world. But you don’t get bitter, insecure, demanding dominion over a new woman’s life just because you shared your precious womb with her husband during a previous chapter. 

Saints Are Back's picture

First, thank you for taking your precious time to write a whole novel about someone you don’t even think about.

Secondly, it’s not about wether  you want my man back or not - he does NOT want you back. So get back down to Earth, you r just another self absorbed ex.

You understand and you feel bad  that I have to deal with your bio Frankenstein, yet you fail to raise a normal human being. Instead of giving me your useless speech in here and trying to revolve the world around you, better sit on your lazy fat ass and do your job.

My dear, I am not jealous of you. I hate your guts. 20 years after you married my husband and 4 year after he divorced you, yet you haven’t worked a day and you expect us to support you for the rest of your petty life. We work our asses 24-7 to pay for your 24-7 naps, and when I say that I simply despise  you, you  call it “a jealousy”. Get a job, you Fking leech.

You feel like we all have to bow down before your golden womb. Once again, you've proven how pathetic you are. 

Once again - FUCK YOU! 

 

 

 

Jcksjj's picture

Exactly - anger that we have to deal with extra crap because of them is way different than jealousy, but isnt that what everyone narcissistic tells themselves when someone doesnt like them? The same thing their mommy probably told them when another girl didnt like them in middle school - "oh they're just jealous of how beautiful you are honey." Did they not ever gain enough common sense to realize that people can actually just not like you?

Leilene's picture

I asked Google and it thought I couldn’t spell ‘gum’

EatThisApple's picture

haha

Monkeysee's picture

Golden Uterus Birth Mother. Basically a BM who believes she can do no wrong & everyone must bow down & cater to her because she birthed the children so her word/opinion/belief is law. Basically everything this OP wrote! Lol

flmomma08's picture

It's not always the man who is the crazy one, haha! I am a SM with bio kids as well and I am not at all jealous of the BM (although, I have seen others who are). BM is a drug addict and has 3 kids by 3 different fathers, none of whom she was ever married to or in a serious relationship with. She's uneducated and unemployed and can't support herself, let alone her children. I don't envy her one bit!

MrsStepMom's picture

Let's see, what could I be jealous of? Her having a kid so bad I am about to call the police on him? Her being fired every couple months? Her driving a car she has now paid over 100k for (worth 25) because she has taken out so many loans against it due to her gambling addiciton? He toenails she always leaves so long it makes me ill? Her acne scarred face? Her fat ass? Her new husband who only married her to get a green card who she pretends she isn't married to? Her sheer stupidity? (I never read the CO). Ya. I spend my days being jealous. Let me help you, the ONLY time I even think of her is when I think of HOW I can get SS to live with her full time instead of us, but she doesn't want him eiher.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

So as much as I feel this is a bait post I'll go ahead and comment. All this may work for you but clearly it's not perfect for everyone.

In world BM was the abusive one who left SO homeless so she could go whore around. When the guy didn’t leave his wife she came crawling back crying about how he gave her a STD and everything but too bad too sad he’d already met me.

She didn’t want to meet me unless it was completely on her terms. Mean she set a date and location and when I said no because I had to work and couldn’t afford the tickets she wanted me to buy I was the bad guy. She then “met” me at ball practice and proceeded to show just how much she respected dad by trying to get him to leave during HIS time with the kids.

She threatened to call the cops because I was going to be alone with the kids then cried SO was a deadbeat dad when he didn’t come get them at 10PM that night because he had work and it was going to leave me alone with the kids.

She didn’t want to go to court until I cut off her ATM known as SO and demanded he make sure he had food before giving her more than half of his pay check. Poor woman only gets a 3rd now and has to actually let him see the kids for more than one night a month.

No BM isn’t the boss of our world and she can be as unhappy as she wants to be because we’re gonna follow the order even when she doesn’t like it. Poor thing doesn’t understand she’s not the sun and moon anymore and SO is an equal parent with equal rights.

Leilene's picture

Do biological mothers honestly expect us to revolve our worlds around decisions they made with their wombs that didn’t work out?? Are they truly expecting grown a** women to submit to their every needy, burdensome, demanding emotion as if our expectations and standards of life go out the window because we fell in love with a man they didn’t work out with?? 

ldvilen's picture

Unfortunately, I'd have to reply 'Yes' to this, because this is bore out in our society's attitude toward BMs and especially in our society's attitude towards BMs vs. SMs. 

Not putting a value judgement on this.  Just stating it as it is:  BM can be a drug-addicted ho, literally, and she will still be seen as a saint for birthing children and be thought of as a "good" mother.  BM can be on her 4th husband and working on her 5th, literally, and she will still be seen as a saint for birthing her children and be thought of as a "good" mother.

It truly ironic, odd, and hard to believe that in this day and age, the year 2019, that, yes, our society does honestly expect our world to revolve around decisions BM made with her womb that didn’t work out.  That they truly expect grown a** women to submit to BM's every needy, burdensome, demanding emotion as if our expectations and standards of life go out the window because we fell in love with a man with children from a previous relationship.

If I have to say if there is one thing I am truly jealous of, it is the fact that our society seems to think it is perfectly fine for bio-mom and -dad to seperate or divorce--they don't have to suck it up and take it, not even for their own children.  But, for some completely unknown, asinine reason, the people they go on to remarry or get involved with ARE expected to suck it up and take it, and for someone else's children.  

But, like I say, I'm not drinking that Koolaid.  No where and no how.  Just like it is a known fact now that our society of the early 1800s and 1900s was wrong about many things (slavery, women not being able to vote), our society can and will be seen as being just as wrong about many things that went on in the early 2000s, such as treating SMs more like indentured servants.

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Psycho is a useless drug addict who can't get a job where they drug test and ditches her children all over the place. Society still tells her how "great of a mom" she is. Because Vagina.

Harry's picture

You do not get to go out as BM, BF, and kids alone.  You lost that when you divorced.  You can’t screw up two other marriages.  Because you want to play a Happy Family.  Face facts If you had a Happy Family you would still be together.  Other the new family comes first. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Not to mention how damn cruel the false hope is that it could give the kids that she THINKS she's doing it for.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Dear BM,

Mind yo' own forking business.  

SM

Rags's picture

My thoughts are... the mistakes SOs make in choosing a prior relationship breeding partner does not give that mistake of a breeding partner any considerations in future relationships.  What makes you think that SParents give a crap about opposition BPs other than opposition BP interference in our lives and the often ill behaved spawn BPs infect our lives with?

 

ldvilen's picture

This reminds me of the comment Harry stated above, "You can’t screw up two other marriages.  Because you want to play a Happy Family," which was very simply stated, but so accurate and a point that I think very few others take into consideration and that is, "What makes you think your prior marriage (or you) was so special that it should trump every other marriage or human being?"  What makes you think that any time you want to be with your ex-, snap!, SM better step out of the way?  Because you have children with this man, is that what makes you think you get to still take priority in this man's life?  What happens when your ex- has children with his new wife?  Which children take priority then?  Or, don't they count because you were "first"?

For the most part, SPs could give a crap-a$$ that you had children with their spouse.  They are marrying the spouse, and see the children as a "bonus."  SM did not marry BM, and SM did not marry the kids.  SM sees her husband, the father of the children, as having equal authority to BM (which he does, legally and otherwise).  So, SM is going with what her husband thinks and says.  And, if her husband is weak or insists (and a lot of people do not realize that many DHs insist, so to speak, that SM take the lead with the kids when they are in their household), then SM is going to take the lead.  None of this has absolutely anything at all to do with trying to compete with BM or SM being jealous, etc.

Like both Harry and Rags stated above, you are not so special, so above every other human being, so above every other woman, that after you divorce a man, you are unquestionably permitted to do whatever you want with him and take time away from him and his new life--not without BOTH your ex's permission AND his wife's permission.  That is up to them.  They get to make that choice.  You don't.  You had your chance.  Your husband and his new wife are THE couple now,  Just like any other married couple, they come first for each other.  An ex- sure as H- doesn't get to continue to come first, and for life just because she popped one out, so to speak.  

Rags's picture

"Do not trash talk the mom to the kid  It makes them not want to be around you."

This one cuts to the heart of making me LMAO within the context of our blended family adventure.

We don't badmouth, though we absolutely discuss the facts.  Funny how GUBMs, or in our case the SpermClan, hate for the Skid's to hear the facts of their manipulative crap. 

Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts.  If you don't like your kid(s) to know the facts of your crazy and toxic crap, don't be crazy and toxic.  The facts used to put SpermGrandHag into apoplexy.  'Don't bring that up again!!!  That is not fair, this is different.... wahhhhhhhhh!"  Nope, toxic is toxic and facts are facts.  You would think that the opposition would learn to not be toxic when their manipulative crap results in the kid, the courts, the community, etc.... learning every detal of their toxic crap.

Now that was some fun and funny shit to watch.   I enjoyed it way too much.... Bad Rags! Bad!

Diablo

Dads_Wife's picture

I stopped reading when she referred to children as a prized possession. Children aren't posessions - they are people not things to be had.