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Confused at 30- stay or leave?

Startingover30's picture

Hello, I am an almost 30 year old women that eloped two years ago to my awesome husband. I am also a stepmom to an 8 year old girl with whom I have a great relationship with. She calls me Mom (because she wants to) and we have her every other week. Yes, I know what I signed up for, and yes, I know it would’ve hard but I also thought it would get easier too. I’ve been with him for 3 1/2 years total and at first I didn’t really care if I had kids or not. After buying a house getting married and now almost 30, all I want is kids. I just CANT get over the fact that he had a child with a different woman then me and shared those experiences with someone else. His ex girlfriend is horrible and turned his whole family against him to the point where we don’t talk to his mom or his 3 sisters because they spend all the time with his ex. It’s gotten so bad this past year with me feeling like this that I can’t even watch movies with women going into labor or those diaper commercials with women who just give birth and they show them puttin the baby in the moms arms. The experience with his ex was a miserable one as he has told me many many times but I can’t get over it. It bothers me that he has done the baby thing with someone else already and it honestly has given me too many panic attacks to even count. We have tried couples therapy and therapy on our own. He already deals with anger issues and depression issues and this doesn’t help any. We also want to move out of state but now all the sudden he wants full custody and definitely don’t; plus from speaking with lawyer he told us full custody is most likey not going to happen. It’s now gotten to the point where I hired a divorce attorney because we can’t seem to come to a conclusion and I have let the child problem bother me too much. At this point I’m so scared that if I leave at 30 that I might now be able to find someone else and have kids. It scares me so much that I’m thinking of staying just so I can have kids which I know is not smart thinking. I want kids so bad and my mom has been putting pressure on me to stay for grandchildren while my dad has told me to leave and focus on being happy. Do you think I will be okay to leave at 30 and still have time to find someone else and have a child? Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind. 

ndc's picture

You still have time.  My mom married at 34 and had her kids at 35, 38 and 41.  My aunt married at 40 and had her only child at 41.  My best friend's mom had her two kids at 45 and 48!  Of course, fertility declines with age, and problems can increase, so I wouldn't recommend that women who want kids wait until they're pushing the limit, but 30 is still young.  I'd rather take my chances having a baby later in life with the right person than stay with the wrong person (or in the wrong situation) to have a child sooner.

Startingover30's picture

Thank you! I appreciate the advice! That gives me hope! My husband and I (besides this child thing) have a great relationship and we love each other so much. It’s hard that I am now realizing so much later that I can’t handle this. It’s good to hear that I’m not totally screwed if I do leave and start over. Thank you very much!!

futurobrillante99's picture

What's the problem? Does he not want any more children? Are you struggling with infertility?

What is the source of all your angst?

And, if your your husband is struggling with anger issues and depression, that's not really awesome.

Startingover30's picture

Not struggling with infertility, and he does want more kids. But yes, I see what your saying. If I’m not happy then I should go. Thank you for your comment. 

pixielady's picture

I got married at almost 40, had one baby at 41 and now, at almost 44, I'm 6 months pregnant with #2. You have time. As ndc said, 30 is still young, but if you can't work things out with your DH, I wouldn't waste time either. Don't try to trap your DH into having a kid if he doesn't really want one with you and if he doesn't seem to care about your feelings. I still struggle with not being the first and only woman to have a child with my DH (he has a 9yo son from first marriage). It messes with your head and sometimes therapy doesn't work. I'm lucky in that my DH is very understanding and makes sure to let me know how much he loves me and how much he wishes he didn't marry his ex. 

Startingover30's picture

Thank you for your reply! I should of mentioned that he definitely wants kids with me. We were trying for a while but stopped because we needed to deal with these underlying issues before bringing a child into the world. He has been very supportive, and has told me in the past that he never wanted a child with her and that it was a mistake he made and he has to live with. 

I appreciate the advice! And congratulations on you second baby!! 

elkclan's picture

Your mom is crazy pants if she says stay to have kids. WTF??? There is (almost) nothing worse than trying to parent with someone who you can't stand anymore. 


Startingover30's picture

Thanks for the reply! Yes, it’s been very upsetting that she is somehow not understanding where I am coming from. Even my dad has tried explaing that I am miserable. I’m hoping she really thinks about it and comes around. 

SteppedOut's picture

He is going to exhaust himself emotionally (AND FINANCIALLY) trying to get full custody - and he won't. It will be wasted emotion and money - but he will have neither for your future baby.

Anger issues - do you really want that in your life (and your future childrens).

Moving will either not happen, or make your husband resent you because he rarely sees his kids.

Therapy is not helping you get over your issues with his previous relationship. 

Startingover30's picture

Thank you for the response and the advice! Seeing your comment is refreshing since those are all things I’ve been thinking about. I appreciate the help! 

tog redux's picture

Well, I'm not sure why you are asking a bunch of internet strangers such an important question - but it sound like you already  know the answer.

You've had individual and couples therapy and you can't get past the fact that your first child will not be his first child. That's not going to change.

Harry's picture

DH wants more kids ?  There should not be any underlining problems excuse,  because there always will be underlining problems.  There never a good time to have kids either excuse.  He did not used them with BM.  Just remember you have SD 4 days a month. Something can happen to BM and you can have her full time.

Merry's picture

Your DH tells you he wants kids when life is calm and happy. When it's rocky and he's angry, then he doesn't want kids with you. THat IS hurtful. Has he said this once? 50 times?

My ex had anger issues and I knew it before I married him. I knew I shouldn't have married him, but I was 23 and stupid. Stayed with him almost 20 years. Do not make that mistake. DO NOT. Unless he is willing to change his behavior (anger counseling did nothing for my exH) and you can find a way to accept that your child will be his second child, your marriage is doomed. Get out sooner rather than later.

I have a daughter about your age. Her mother in law pesters her to have children all the time. It makes my daughter crazy, and it hurts her. She and her DH will have children or not, and it's nobody's business but theirs. While I'd love a grandchild, I don't get a vote. Have you told your mother how you feel? She's being incredibly selfish.

Liltat87's picture

I completely understand what you mean and how you feel about your husband having kids with someone else. 

When I got pregnant it was a first for me and the third pregnancy for my husband. I thought our baby and pregnancy wasnt going to be special but it was. Just remember that this is your family and you have the power to make th experience a different one then the last. This baby will now come into a family, not a baby daddy/baby momma situation.

But if u do want to leave 30 years old is young!! You still have time to meet someone and have a baby. I would never suggest you stay and be sense u happy parents and relationships. 

If your husband wants kids and is willing to have them with you, it sounds like you might need to do some soul searching and see if there really is an underlying issue that is bigger then you realize. 

I used to think my husband would love our baby less, because he wasnt the first, but his baby has connected us in ways I never expected. 

Is there something else you are insecure about ? Being a step parent and having a blended family is tough...which is why we are all here.