You are here we go :(

Nursejulee's picture

I know some of you have been hearing me vent and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. So..I was going about my day and I get home and my husband says “can I ask you something and you won’t get angry”. I said of course. He said “do you mind if I go to her graduation?” 

I said “I won’t ever stop you from doing what you want to do. Just let me know you are going and please don’t tell me any details if you go. I don’t want to hear about it” 

look, I’m just going to be real here and just know I’m already heartbroken so please be kind. I feel a little angry after everything she has done to me and him. She is 25 years old. She isn’t a kid. And all of my friends say she is a “mean girl”. I can’t help how I feel but I feel betrayed. He told me he would not go anywhere I wasn’t invited because we are a family. I feel like he’s just full of shit. See, I’m loyal to a fault. And I don’t have kids and maybe this is why I can’t get this. I don’t have unconditional love like this. He has no idea how upset I am because I don’t want him to know I’m hurt. I’m in shock honestly. I know I probably sound like a bitch but I’m not. I have no family and I took his girls in like they were my own. I love my husband more than anything but right now I’m just in shock. I can’t help how I feel. I almost feel like his ex and her family and my stepdaughter will be laughing and think “yup he chose me over her”. Please help me. I’m severely depressed right now and angry. The worst part is her graduation is the day after my mom was murdered. I don’t have family except for him. What do I do? And please don’t say to go because I don’t go to things when I’m not invited. Thanks guys. I appreciate you being here for me. 

SteppedOut's picture

I think you should focus your energy in a positive way. You sound like a caring person with a lot to give. 

Perhaps consider volunteering your time to benefit children... reading to children at a hospital, Big Sister or other similar program. 

There are lots of childen in need, and I think it would benefit you greatly. 

ITB2012's picture

after a number of years of DH not putting me first (fine, dead last) and the kids, including my own DS for a while, picking up on that disrespect and disregard. 

I looked into some things and didn’t do them if DH started to take them over (oh, the skids would love to do that). Finally hit upon things I like and no one else wants to do.  I found a great set of friends and some really fulfilling activities. I’m too busy now to be able to go to things except on the rare occasion that I decide I want to go. And my focus is elsewhere, not on step family drama. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think your husband is in a no win situation. He knows if he goes he is hurting your feelings. He knows if he doesn't SD will never forgive him. 

Maybe take it like this- he knows you love him enough to move past this event. He goes, he isn't the worst dad ever and then home to his amazing wife. 

I amsorry that this is even an issue. It is very sad...

Nursejulee's picture

It’s heartbreaking and I know to keep my sanity, I have to stop. I can’t worry about this anymore. It’s killing me inside. And I don’t know how to act around my husband knowing I feel betrayed even if it’s not true. 

Rags's picture

I still say that  you should go with your DH.  The two of you do things together. So ... do this together too.  Then the only one with issues will likely be the SD.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is going to sound harsh, but here it is:

It is NOT your DH's responsibility to make you feel happy and whole. He can't make you feel sad or depressed; only you can do that. It sucks majorly that this event is happening at the same time and near the same place as where your mother was murdered, but YOU have to deal with that and not punish your DH or his family in the process.

I DO think this was a mix-up in communication and that you were invited, even indirectly, to attend. Your own emotions and inability to deal with feeling alone outside your DH has led you to feel isolated and snubbed. My guess is that it's not the first time you have behaved in such a fashion and your adult SDs are both tired of it affecting their lives and their father's.

DH may be the only family you have, but that doesn't mean you own him. That doesn't mean you get to trap him in a no-win situation where he has to actually choose between you or his kids because you're not really giving him a choice. He either appeases you and hurts his kids or supports (not even helps) his kids and makes you feel like you've been cheated on. That's not fair to him. Not at all.

Go to therapy while he is at the graduation. When he comes home, actually BE happy that he spent time with his family. Remember, you're not his appendage but his partner. I'm all for putting a spouse first, but not when it's being used as a crutch, which is what you're doing.

This is situation partially of your own making due to not dealing with your own feelings of loss and abandonment. You're using your DH to fill a void. I have no doubt you love him, but you're love is a possessive kind, not a partnering kind. If you keep him in this unwinnable situation where he thinks no matter what he does he'll always make someone in his life unhappy, he's going to leave you to be with the ones he unconditionally loves. He can't be your everything - your purpose in life, your only family, your replacement parent, your ticket to kids. He's your spouse. Period. End. Dot. That comes with conditions and conditional love, and having a spouse who is possessive because of their own lack of ability to accept the reality of their own life and history is a condition under which someone should reconsider their spousal arrangement.

It's YOUR job to feel better about this, not for him to make you feel better. Therapy, a weekend of self-reflection and meditation, and some good books on overcoming grief should get you started down a better path.

Nursejulee's picture

You don’t know me and you are completely wrong. I am extremely independent person and I’m not needy. Yes, right now I’m hurt but I still encouraged him to go. I don’t need anyone to complete me and it was NOT a misunderstanding. My husband knows she didn’t want me there. Do you understand I have been with her since she was 7 years old?? I have been a doormat letting all of them push me around. I’m laughing because you made a completely wrong assessment of me based on a post. And by the way, I don’t own anyone. I’m not a slave master. 

piegirl's picture

I think the first thing you need to do is call a crisis line, first make sure you are ok before worrying about DH or SD's HAVE to come first.

However this came about, I hear you. I feel so betrayed by my skids who took took took until they couldn't be bothered with me anymore. Then I got tossed aside. It hurts, it really really hurts. So - what do you do? I see three options:

1. Go to the damn graduation and rub their little faces in the fact that you are DH are a happy loving unit 

2. Go to the graduation city and then treat yourself to a wonderful evening of a lovely meal and somne sightseeing (sorry I don't know if grad is local or not)

3. Stay home and do something that makes you happy. A visit to the salon and beautician, theatre with a friend, a concert...something like that? Let the time be about your darling Mom rather than the skid.

Take care 

Kes's picture

It is very disappointing when DH told you he'd not go to anything to which you weren't invited. I can see why you are so upset.  But I suppose seeing it from his side, if he didn't go, it might seriously reduce his options of ever reconciling with his daughter in the future when maybe (a slim chance) she might have become a bit more reasonable. 

I didn't go to SD24's graduation, a couple of years ago now.   It was in the north of England and NPD BM was there of course, I just didn't want to go, so I didn't, although DH went.  

If your DH goes, try and organise something nice for yourself to do while he is away, that you will enjoy.  Try not to just sit and mope the whole time, and get more depressed. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

What would your DH have done if, when he asked if you would mind that he went, you had been honest with him and told him that you do indeed mind and feel that it is a betrayal? Would he have gone anyway?  Would he have stayed home and then resented you? I think perhaps the two of you should go to counselling.  You, understandably, have some deep-seated hurts and I suspect he feels "damned if he does and damned if he doesn't."  Maybe a thrid party could help the two of you hear each other better.  

ldvilen's picture

This was good, actually.  This is pretty much what I tell my DH, “I said I won’t ever stop you from doing what you want to do. Just let me know you are going and please don’t tell me any details if you go. I don’t want to hear about it.”   I don’t mind hearing the details, but everyone’s disengagement is different and I’m years into the process.

When I tell my DH this, however, I don’t attach any feelings of betrayal to it.  I just look at it as:  This is his child; he has the right to have a relationship with that child.  I don’t want to interfere in that.  And, if he wants to go or not, that doesn’t reflect on me one way or the other, as far as I’m concerned. 

But, unlike my DH, your DH did tell you: “. . . he would not go anywhere I wasn’t invited because we are a family.”  You have a right to feel pissed about him going back on his word. 

BUT, regarding this, “He has no idea how upset I am because I don’t want him to know I’m hurt,” that is something you need to sit down with your DH and discuss, and he just gave you a good opportunity!  Ask him, what does he see as family?  And go from there.  Try to separate what he sees as family vs. the actions of his daughter.

When I spoke with my DH about his adult children’s actions, I focused on how he, my DH, could have done a much better job over the years of promoting both himself as their father and me as dad’s wife and life partner.  I let him know that he pretty much cowered down to BM every time they had some sort disagreement.  Even tho. he was Shanghaied, it was his lack of action going way back that led to how both of us were now being treated.  My DH, by not saying anything to the kids about his side of the story and by giving into BM every time, he pretty much let his kids know then and now, into adulthood, that BM still ruled all the roosts, incl. her ex-.  Thus, they could treat both him and me however they wanted.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that rather than focus on SD’s evil actions, and I’m sure she can really be evil, focus on your DH’s part in this.  You can’t change BM, you can’t really change SD, especially now that she is an adult.  But you can work with your DH.

Let him know it starts with BOTH of you being honest.  He may have gone back on his word, but you’ve never really told him about the real anger and hurt you have from all of this.  In a way, you were or are both withholding from the other. 

The compromise I reached with my DH is that he can go to any event alone he so pleases.  (Part of it might be that I know how much he hates going to these so-called family events alone.)  This doesn’t bother me, but I’m years into the disengaging process (and still working on it).  Since you are still running all of this disengaging stuff through your mind, you are going to be upset and confused for a while, have to say.  But, eventually you’ll get there.  Hang in there!! 

Start by having a long discussion with your DH about what he sees as family, AND his role in his SDs turning their backs on you.  It might get heated.  Let it.  Clear the air.  And, it may take many discussions to reach some sort of peace or separate peace.  For me, I go to these family events only if I feel up to it or feel I may actually enjoy myself.  I may yet totally disengage, but even at that, I wouldn’t prevent DH from ever hanging out with his own children or gkids.  But that is me.  You need to find out what works for you and your DH.  Take time for yourself.  Take care, and let your DH know what you are really feeling!

ETA:  So very sorry about your mom.  You really, really need to speak with your husband about this and how this event and the fallout from that is bringing up all sorts of dreadful feelings of desertion for you, and be honest and direct and angry, if need be.  It you can’t speak to him, pls. see a professional counselor ASAP!  OOO

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Julee, please reread what Idvilen has written, repeatedly. It needs to be your next step. I would have said much the same.

I've said that I was once in your position. And in the fresh, highly emotional begining of disengagement, my DH came to me. He had been invited to some family gathering hosted by and including members who had made war with me and tried to undermine our marriage. He asked if I would mind him going.  He did not yet know what the new rules were and was trying to navigate the new norm. I was honest with him, told him it would be a betrayal, and asked how he would feel if I did that to him. I didn't tell him to go or not go, just shared my truth and let him decide. He hasn't had to ask again.

You are not being honest with your H, Julee. You've put his wants first for decades, and right now you need him to put you first. But unless you tell him, he won't know this. You are so afraid of being alone that you're still putting yourself last when right now you are in a dark place and need him to take care of you.

When we disengage, we don't just step away from a person or group, but rather from an entire dynamic. However, if you want the dynamic to change, you have to change you, too. You have to be willing to advocate for yourself, and value yourself enough to say, "My needs are valid and important. I deserve to come first."

Your H made a commitment to you when he said he would not go to an event you were excluded from. Now, he wants you to accept exclusion so he can be comfortable. That is not acceptable, and you should hold him to his word.


sandye21's picture

"Start by having a long discussion with your DH about what he sees as family, AND his role in his SDs turning their backs on you.  It might get heated.  Let it.  Clear the air.  It's time to do it.  It is also time to see a counselor about the trauma you suffered when your mother was murdered.  PTSD is not something you can get over on your own.

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

I am so saddened to hear some of the ugly, unkind responses on here.  Nursejulee I sympathize with you and for you.  I know you are hurt and I get it.  Please ignore some of these ugly comments.  Most on here are kind, understanding and willing to offer helpful advice  I'm very sorry about your Mom, no matter how long it's been, a death, let alone a murder of a loved one is something that takes years to process and changes your life forever.  I lost both my parents at a young age, while they were not murdered, it still was devastating and has had a lifetime affect on me.  BIG hugs to you.

I think in the situation with your husband and the graduation, while I know how terribly hurtful this was, do something that takes care of YOU whatever that may be.  

Bethany's picture

Nursejullee...I am so sad for you. But, I have done the same thing. Told husband to go without me. The last time he did, at our grandson's HS graduation which I did NOT attend, I told my husband, they are your kids, do as you want and visit them when you want. I have disengaged. Too many times my heart was broken. No matter WHAT we do as stepparents, I am 100% convinced they will ALWAYS resent us. It's a bitter part of reality, but one I have finally accepted. I wish you peace and comfort. 

StepperLife's picture

I say go, and here’s why:

no tickets required - go yell and applaud for those who might not have the biggest support or family not able to attend. 

You and your husband are an item, the same way you so graciously took in his baggage his ex, and your skids can do the damn same - accept his with you and you two are one. 


Rags's picture


Harry's picture

Graduation with DH.  Get a great hotel to stay in,  Plan a great meal in a fancy restaurant. Maybe something else to do.  When DH actually goes to Graduation, you do a few hours in the spa.  When he gets back Have wine and strewberry and .......... Have a lovely weekend.  Have a better time then SD. Turn this weekend into your weekend.  Make it so good that you make it a yearly thing  with DH, your thing. At the end you look like the bigger person for being with DH.  And Support him,  But you will have more fun  Turn it from a negative thing to a positive thing for you 

I am not kidding. This is something I always did,  If I had to go somewhere I really did not want to go I always added a day at the casino. Or trying a really good restaurant I wanted to go to. Or a day or two at somewhere I wanted to go.  It win for them and a win for me,  The two hours at the graduation will not compair to the two days of fun you will have 

NYCEastside's picture

I have read all the comments thus far. Like you, I am a professional woman with no children.You obviously treated this obnoxious brat

 as if she was your own and expected her to love you in return. Sometimes it just doesn't work that way and it can be very painful. Your husband loves you and is there for you. Be there for him. If there are no tickets for you for the graduation then don't go, but DO GO WITH YOUR HUSBAND to any dinners, gatherings, or receptions that take place. Just smile and congratulate the bitch and then ignore her. You are the bigger person and it is her loss - and a big loss at that. Hold your head up high, be a lady , look great and feel great. THis too shall pass.............