You are here

Anyone else disengage and feel angry?

Nursejulee's picture

So you all know I recently disengaged after years of doing everything for my two SD and never appreciated. Ok this will sound weird but they don’t even know I have disengaged because they haven’t bothered to contact me. In most ways I’m still at peace. But I’m also angry and it’s a little more than anger. I also feel a rage inside of me that’s not like me at all. I’m so hurt and I think I have always just been the pushover and the “kind one” that this new feeling has entered me. I wish I could explain it more. I don’t like this aspect in myself. I feel depressed and angry. Is this normal when you first disengage? I feel hatred and I’m beyond sad. I don’t have kids of my own which I highly regret. I do not want to fix things with them but I think I feel on edge all of the time wondering if my husband is going to see them soon. 

hereiam's picture

Well, first I think you need to figure out why you feel on edge if your husband is going to see them soon. As long as he is not indulging them by giving them loads of money that will affect you, and as long as he is not disrespecting you by talking to them about you (and letting them talk disrespectfully about you), you have to come to terms with the fact that they are his daughters and he is going to have relationships with them.

The hurt and the feelings of being a pushover, after everything you have done for them, is normal but you have to take your power back and look at it a different way.

When I see beggars on the street, some I just know are not truly homeless, starving, or whatever, and I think, "What if they don't really need the money?" But my DH always tells me, give if you want to give but you have to be okay with what they do with it. If they don't truly need it or they use it on alcohol or drugs, that is on them, YOUR heart is in the right place. Give and then let go.

When I give to charities, I only hope that the money goes to where it's supposed to, but how do we really know? I can't think about that, I can't be angry about thinking that it's NOT going to where it's supposed to go. And I will keep giving until I know I'm being used and abused because I feel that giving is the right thing to do.

Your heart was in the right place all of these years, THAT is what matters. I am sorry that you have been hurt by being a good person, but your ARE a good person, and if somebody abuses that, they are the ones who will answer for it and be judged when it's time.

Don't let them turn you into an angry person. Think of what you did for them as your charitable contribution that has now come to an end. You have to let it go. For you.

Nursejulee's picture

I'm angry and you are right, he has every right to see his kids. But, I have to deal with his hurt feelings when he gets home. I do feel like I have been exiled before even getting the chance to disengage. Lol. How crazy is that??? I just don't know how marriages can work with situations that happen like this. And I literally have no family to talk to about this. I'm in the middle of IV infusions (IVIG) because my body doesn't have antibodies. I have to be on these monthly and stress makes this illness worse. I talked to my counselor and I'm on meds. Nothing is helping this. 

hereiam's picture

If they continually hurt him, why does he see them? I know they are his kids but that doesn't mean he has to put up with poor treatment, it really doesn't. He needs to focus on what is good in his life and focus on the people who treat him right.

Sounds like HE needs counseling. He needs to disengage, at least a little, from his kids.

In another post, you said you told your husband that he can see his kids as much as he wants. Why don't you be honest and tell him that since they hurt him so much, maybe it's not a good idea to see them often?

I have an up-and-down relationship with my own dad and go through periods where I don't see or talk to him much. Some may think it's weird but I would rather it be that way than to feel bad after every visit or phone call. He has a way of making me feel like crap, sometimes, and I just don't need that. I don't want to be mad at him all of the time, so I just don't interact with him often. It's a choice I have made, due to our dynamic.

It's okay for your husband to protect himself, even from his own kids. They are adults and know better.

MissTexas's picture

so really, that was undeclared disengagement, however, cognitive restructuring (changing your thinking with regard to the situation HAS changed: mind over matter) and that has made all the difference.

A word to the wise: sometimes "family" is the worst resort to talk to about your personal life, as it can come back to bite you when things are going well. I prefer to visit with strangers or acquintances about my SD/SK situation, rather than family. There is no long-term effect, or risk of being judged or ostracized. Interestingly enough, in choosing to visit with "others" about this topic, they have led me to interesting ideas and views I otherwise may not have been privy to.

I hope your stress levels reduce as your health depends on it. You are largely responsible for policing the level of stress you allow in your life. I know you can do it.

still learning's picture

I have to deal with his hurt feelings when he gets home. 

I used to deal with the fallout of DH's drama and issues with ss33.  I was the supportive wife, there to listen, blah blah... Would spend the entire evening dealing with his moping, venting, and even blaming me about ss issues.  

After going to individual counseling the therapist told me not to allow DH to dump his ss issues on me. She said, "SS is his son and he needs to fully feel and deal with the issues concerning him."   After that I stopped putting myself in the position of being the dumpster for his family dysfunction. I now spend a few minutes to support and listen to DH conc ss and then change the subject or leave the space.  Recently DH brought up an issue about ss like "WE" should be worried. I said, "He's your son so you get to worry about that" then I left the room.  Not my monkey DH.  

susanm's picture

This is very well put and excellent advice.  I wish I had had someone tell me this ages ago rather than having to figure it out the hard way by my head exploding when DH would dump his crap about his kids on me.  I also now listen politely for a few minutes like I would to that irritating co-worker who won't shut up about her kid/parent/neighbor/health but won't do anything constructive to fix the issue.  And then I physically leave the room on some errand or whatever because trying to change the subject only gave a moment's respite before he started in again.  He failed to take action when it could have helped.  He did not agree with any of my suggestions to reign them in and teach them how to be productive adults eventually.  Now their problems are something he can deal with on his own.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Angry? You bet I was! I went from being a doormat to being deeply hurt to being a vicious take no prisoners bi!ch to utter indifference. Lol

IMO, the best way to disengage is to do it without the parties involved even realizing it. Be glad these relatives of your H's haven't reacted. This gives you more time to get stronger and to process the negative feelings that have built up over time.

Disengagement is a process, a journey, and a series of mental adjustments. It's been compared to the five stages of grief because many of us have gone through phases like denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You've made the decision to be done with these women; you've faced some unpleasant truths, and that has opened the gate on a lot of different feelings. Hurt and anger rode with me daily for a long time, at first towards skids and later towards my DH.

In a sense, you've lanced a boil, so a lot of stuff has to come out in order for you to heal. Counseling is a good idea, as well as new activities and people to occupy you. Replace the negative with something fulfilling and positive. Disengagement can lead to reinvention and renewal if you let it.

Nursejulee's picture

I'm in the anger phase I guess. Thank you for understanding because I'm seriously starting to feel something is wrong with me. 

hereiam's picture

There is nothing wrong with you, you have feelings, and have been hurt and taken advantage of.

sandye21's picture

There are a few residual effects when you first disengage, and they can be confusing.  First of all, you might feel a bit betrayed by DH because he didn't support you as you felt he should.  He's going to visit them, they treated you badly, he should be mad as hell for you.  Also, the disengagement is still fresh.  The wounds haven't had time to heal up.  When I disengaged from SD I was more mad at myself than anyone because I allowed the abuse to go on for so long instead of having the courage to put her in her place in the beginning.  Plus, as NotURMomma pointed out, they haven't felt the 'pain' ----YET!!!  Just hang in there and one day DH and the SDs will be hit between the eyes with what they lost.  When you've sweetly informed your DH that he is going to do all of the 'remembering' and purchasing for the his princesses with his own money, When he realizes you just aren't playing doormat anymore it's going to be really fun to watch.  Just wait until the SDs see that DH has no intentions of leaving you and their little ploy failed.  Make a bunch of popcorn and wait for the show. 

Disengagement gets better with every year that goes by.  It's been over 8 years - the only time I think of SD now is when I visit this site and get validated all over again that i did the right thing.  You couldn't get me to go back to 'stephell as usual' with a cattle prod!

I didn't have children either.  For a long time I wrestled with a failed adoption too.  But by coincidence, a friend suggested I work with children.  I worked at a school and for Special Olympics.  One of the most rewarding things I've ever done!  It was absolutely magic.

Nursejulee's picture

I have been in tears almost every day. And I needed to hear from you guys tonight. I am angry at myself. I am. And in all honesty, I can't wait until they contact me. I already have my little tiny speech ready. 

hereiam's picture

Don't give them a speech, no matter how tiny, they will rejoice in that. It will show them that you are still emotionally ENGAGED.

They will, eventually, figure out that you have disengaged. It may be frustrating for you, in the meantime, but I think it's best to just do it and be done. No speech, no explantions, no arguements or emotional outbursts. No opportunity for them to respond and give excuses or counter arguements. They WILL turn it around on you, if given the chance. This is one of those times when disengagement does mean ignore.

sandye21's picture

Some say revenge is a bad thing, others say revenge is sweet.  In my opinion the best revenge you can have is to not respond to ANYTHING the SDs OR DH throws at you.   If SD's text, they get visual silence.  If DH brings up the skids, you say, "Hmmm" and change the conversation.  Do NOT give the princesses the pleasure of knowing they upset you.  They are bottom feeders, you are above them.  Let DH know you could care less about his obnoxious offspring. 

MissTexas's picture

and their little ploy failed. Make a bunch of popcorn and wait for the show." Yes! Nor do we wives have any intention of leaving DH's! I think divide and conquer has been their ultimate goal. SD told DH, on one of her notoriously venemous voicemails, (deflecting and projecting her traits onto me for DH)  "Honestly, dad, I have no idea why you stay with the woman. She's means spirited, ugly and zero compassion for anyone." Really? I work with the elderly through church, and have for 8 years, every week. I help animals in need, and have been DH's "right hand man" all these years, helping him with all the physical labor on THEIR property, assist with all computer issues and so very much more. SD, mind you, is jet setting here and there with her Coach purses, and announcing to the world who she's rubbing elbows with, and so forth. Who seems incompassionate and self-absorbed here?

SacrificialLamb's picture

Yep, these SD play games to try to get dad to send us packing. When that doesn't work, their tactics get more flagrant - outright lies. Mine tried to convince her dad I was abusing him.  When he told her that was not the case, she got mad at him. Finally she said "I never told you to LEAVE HER!" but then she got mad when he didn't.

So who's the abusive one?

MissTexas's picture

tell you everything is because he's AFRAID OF YOU." In front of DH. I looked at her, (tilted my head, trying to make it make sense,) then I looked at him, and asked (in front of her) "Are you afraid of ME? Surely not. I'm your medical POA, and I wouldn't put anyone in control of my life and death decisions if I feared them." He said, "No, I am not afraid of you. I love you VERY MUCH, you've been MY ROCK." 

She fabricated several things too, and I didn't even respond, as nothing she said deserved a proper response.

Forget about these classic narcs ever OWNING their behavior. It will never happen. That would require decency, class and self-introspection. All of which no narcissist possesses.

I can honestly say, that as disgusting and shocking as her blowup was, and though I've suffered PTSD over it, I'm so glad DH saw it with HIS OWN EYES. There's not candy coating that behavior, and they both know it. She elected to show her true colors, and it has really put everything out there. No more "pretending" to like each other. "Whoop! There it is!"

Can you just imagine the expendable energy it takes to keep all this mess up?

Jcksjj's picture

I mean, them not even noticing you disengaged kind of drives home that they didn't notice or care when you were engaged, so of course that's going to sting. Are the skids narc-y? What you're describing to me is what I felt fully realizing that my narc ex (ODS dad) truly and completely Did. Not. Care. about either of us. 

I didnt feel rage when I disengaged, but it did piss me off recently when we moved and SD no longer shared a room with ODS and I disengaged further and stopped doing her laundry and cleaning their room at all. All of a sudden she was completely capable of cleaning her own room without having to even be told and DH discovered that he could easily just throw in her clothes with the smaller load he does of his. 

Nursejulee's picture

Yea you are right. They were never engaged. Hell, maybe they are disengaged too. They are bratty kids with a narcissist attitude. 

Kes's picture

You have had a fundamental change of attitude with regard to your SKIDs and are probably (maybe not consciously) reassessing everything that happened in the years when you weren't disengaged.  As well as legitimate anger with them, you are also maybe feeling some anger with yourself for allowing yourself to be treated badly all those years.  These feelings are not trivial and may take some time to process (weeks, months or even longer) before you are able to come to an accommodation with them.  

My DH goes to meet his daughters usually away from our home and I still have remnants of anger when he does this, particularly with SD22 who was the worse of the two of them, towards me.  I think it's important to accept the feelings and not give yourself a hard time about it.  There will be a lot of different feelings, but don't add to them by being mean to yourself over them, they're natural.  

tog redux's picture

My guess is that some of it is because you feel like a "victim" who hasn't gotten "justice". (In quotes because I don't mean to be insulting).  Part of you hoped they would notice and feel bad about it, and they don't, because as you know, they never did care. 

But you aren't a victim, you are a volunteer - you chose to stay in their lives despite their poor treatment of you, and now you are choosing to not allow that anymore.  So you have to let go of caring whether they care about your disengaging and put your energy into YOU, taking care of yourself while you have these health issues. Enjoying your life. They can't be the kids you never had, but there are lots of opportunities out there for fostering and mentoring kids who WILL care.

I too would be angry at DH for not standing up for me with his kids, and I also wonder how marriages survive under these circumstances. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

I will always resent his inability to be a daddeee; moreover, a loyal husband; yet his salivating desire to be called daddeeee in ten lengthy drawn-out syllables. It is sickening. Had he ever been man enough to teach his brats how to behave we might have been a successful family.  Given that never happened, and will never happen; I feel nothing most of the time regarding them and his huge family mess he worked hard to create. It is a better place than before for me and it has taken years to arrive here. I find more peace as I  now protect myself from the insults and exclusion. I do not expect any support from him; he is clearly not available. I checked out.

I know he loves me but he has a serious mental block as a daddeeee; and I want no part of it. You know when it happens and you begin to actually feel nothing, most of the time. For me it was a process, one in which my friends here helped me...supported me; I am so grateful.  I thought I was alone until I found ST....Understanding what you cannot change brings you much peace.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It took years for the anger to go away after I disengaged. I still don't respect my DH when it comes to how he raised his children. As my counselor said, he lives in the land of denial when it comes to his children. When I pointed out to him how his children behaved, he got defensive and angry because I pulled him out of his denial. When his kids turned on him directly, he could no longer blame me.  His family thrives on drama. They create drama when none exists.

Our marriage survived because while I don't respect how he deals with his kids, I respect the rest of him.  He also has validated I have not been treated well and agrees his children are the ones that need to make amends (although he admits that will likely never happen).  

The rest of our marriage is great and was worth staying for. Julee you will have to decide if you respect him enough and if the marriage is worth it.  Then you will have to give yourself some grace and some time to deal with your feelings.

The SDs are middle aged and live far away. DH still visits them (but less). I used to fill bitter when he went to visit them, but that has lessened. I realized I had a choice. I could go and be miserable, or I could stay home and do things for myself. That choice to me is disengagement. Stay home, have fun on my own (I save some shopping I want to do for when he is gone), away from the drama. 

marblefawn's picture

You're angry because disengagement is not what you really wanted out of your relationship with your skids. It's self preservation. It's a last resort. But it's not really a choice -- it's all you can do with the shitty skids you got.

At the end of the day, you're still doing exactly what the kids want. That hurts.

Nursejulee's picture

It is about self preservation. I couldn't take it anymore. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

You can look at it two ways; either they are the winners or you are the winner.  I know (in my case) I ended up the winner because now I control what I do, period. Beforehand, I was just a servant and gifter.

Yes, they  likely wanted you excluded; but would you be around anybody who wanted you excluded, regardless? You deserve to only be with people who want you in their lives. I am not willing to settle for less for anybody.

Thank them for showing you who they really are...honesly, you could and might have been used and insulted for years; only hoping you could make it right.....many of us did until our fantasy started slipping away.  Hello, come in.....

Stop trying and then thank them for allowing your time, money and other resources to finally go to the people who love and care for you.



shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi OP - I can totally understand how you feel.  Been there, done that.

When our H's don't give us support, let us be treated like carp and then tell us to be BIG about it, to suck it up, etc. It HURTS.

Keep doing what is right for you and keep coming here for support, understanding, etc.

Thumper's picture


It was a complete relief to let go of the rope.

Here are a few things to think about ok?

Try looking at your decision as,  YOUR decision that you made was for your well being. Certainly your not a gluten for punishment correct? It is unhealthy to continue being used, abused and treated poorly.

For the life of me I can not understand why people put UP with that in families. "Family is family" is garbage. Loving caring family who respect everyone IS family----

When a person has zero remorse it is 'their' problem not your problem.

Your angry because you thought, perhaps, IF you left go they would run back and declare their sorrow to you for treating you terribly. Wont happen.

You can feel sad and disappointed---but FEEL those feelings as you move forward and realize you can not control anyone else but you.

you will soon realize you gave yourself a huge gift. Letting go of the rope that was hurting you........its wonderful.

Block their telephone number. When hubby goes to see them during a special time...send a plate of cookies or pastries with hand written note...simply  "Merry Christmas" Happy Birthday...Happy Thanksgiving or what ever....but always send a small token. Thats class.

Something I believe they dont have.

MissTexas's picture

moving through the various phases and stages of the process.

These men need to realize that ignoring their adult child's disrespect of your marriage is the surest guarantee the disprespect will continue. When they don't intervene, resentment develops . Eventually, you will realize it's up to you to protect yourself, and congratulate yourself: you're "there!" It can only go up from here!

piegirl's picture

Thanks for posting this, to me it means I'm not the only one this is happening to.

I advised DH that I was completely disengaging about 6 weeks ago and ever since then my LIFE HAS BEEN HELL!! I have never before experienced such overwhelming and debilitating sadness, tears, anger and rage. I didn't post about it because I was starting to think I was actually losing my mind. I've seen two different therapists, but neither of them are my 'fit'. I am finding every little thing about DH that I used to overlook, now really aggravating. I got mad when we went to a joint counselling session and he still said that he hopes we (meaning adult skids, my adult kids, he & I) can be a happy family together one day! For the first time I said, well actually that's not what I want anymore!!

This is such a difficult thing to traverse. I really want my marriage to last, it's just so very very difficult right now.

Nursejulee, I am thinking of you ((hugs))


Nursejulee's picture

I'm truly glad I'm not the only one going through this and having these emotions. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this too! 

MissTexas's picture

happy family. And initially, I'm willing to bet that's what we all wanted as well, and we gave it our all to try to make things happy, welcoming and comfortable, only to be used and abused. (Blued, Screwed and tattooed) I told DH this is his circus. He and his offspring created this mess for us to navigate through. He once told me he wasn't going to "live like this." I guess he meant with us not welcoming his feral princess back into our lives, after she very aggressively verbally attacked me, and him at times. He said and did nothing. I asked, "Live like what? You CREATED THIS MESS by talking about me with your kids and you had an excellent marriage. You've said yourself you have a STELLAR WIFE. That wasn't enough apparently. You had to side with your daughter by keeping silent. Silence is affirmation." The lightbulb when off, and he realized, "Oh, I am the one who orchestrated this mess." I did nothing to deserve the position he and his SD placed me in. I loved him as I have never loved another human being in my entire life. He was my world. People say, "Just get back to treating him like you did before." That's easier said than done. My thought was, why? I was being my absolute best, loving, devoted, trusting wife, and this IS WHERE IT GOT ME. Slowly, I am trying to get back to myself, but it has been like having an exorcism or out of body experience, at best.

You are so right, this is a difficult journey. On some level it does help to know we are not alone, however each marriage presents its unique challenges.

Movingonisbest's picture

MissTexas, you indicated "My thought was, why? I was being my absolute best, loving, devoted, trusting wife, and this IS WHERE IT GOT ME." I think that loving the wrong person the right way can put people in bad situations. Sometimes people use and abuse the person that loves them the most and can be very ungrateful thinking the person won't leave them. If a person's fear of losing you isn't greater than the love they have for you I think this is how situations arise where the men (in this case) won't put the woman they claim to love first and protect her. I'm new to this as you know but that is kind of my thought. The longer my ex keeps contacting me after I made it clear tgings are over, the more I am starting to realize he had little or no fear I would actually end the relationship.  Someone on another thread said he misjudged me. I  agree. I  can love a person but if they betray or disrespect me deeply, I can walk away and never look back again. Perhaps he still hasn't figured that out yet.

MissTexas's picture

mind, and I have made that crystal clear. He sees if I leave,  his kids will put him in a home and leave himthere to die. I am the key to keeping him here on this place he loves, not them. I think he is trying, but I am not a sweet as I used to be, or as accommodating. Used to if I was in the middle of doing something and he came and asked for help, I'd stop immediately and rush to his side to help him. Now, I say, "I'm busy. It'll have to wait. Or, you can call your daughter since she's so smart." I just put up with far less than I used to.

An atty told me he unloaded all of his assets after all this surfaced because he feared I'd leave. So making himself look insolvent on paper was the plan, I'm sure. These attys go back decades financially. It can all be found with a forensic accountant. I told DH that. He told me when he was afraid I would leave, that a good divorce attorney will  make him sell off land to pay me. So there you have it...

Movingonisbest's picture

MissTexas you seem like a blessing to him. It's unfortunate he hasn't been able to cherish you in the way you deserve. It is obvious you love your husband and he should love you enough to do right by you. I am glad I didn't marry my now ex. I don't want to be with a man and not be able to love him freely because of his bad acts, inability to be loyal,  inability to put me first,inability to protect me, inability to be honest, and inability to reciprocate the love I give. When you have something great, you don't mess that up for anyone  (especially ungrateful selfish manipulation toxic adult kids). But again I just think these men have to have a fear of losing the woman they say they love if they don't as someone else said man up. My ex's daughter hasn't been around in years and only calls to demand money or manipulate it out of him. If he thought I was going to stick around, treat him exceptionally well, spend pretty much all my free time with him, be loyal to him, respect him, etc. while she spends what little he has, verbally abuses him, disrespects him and disrespects our relationship then he was sadly mistaken. It's pathetic for him to express undying love for me, plead with me to allow him to be in my life, and say he will do whatever it takes to make things right after the fact. He should have done the right things when we were together. He should have had that tough conversation with his daughter before asking me to be in a relationship with him. That's what these men should do when they know they have toxic adult kids. Asking or expecting a woman you claim to love will cause bitterness and will cause the love to fade.

MissTexas's picture

were not on the table in the beginning. It was an evolution. I have honestly given him my all, my best and yes, he should cherish it, but he has proven who loyalties are and where they are. Everything you say is the truth, however, when you are decades in, it's not as simple as walking out the door, and the bottom line is, I do LOVE HIM. What other woman would have the rug yanked out from under her, and her future turned into a bleak picture, and STILL TRY TO FIND THE BEST IN A PERSON, and love them? 

You are also right when you point out the manipulation these emotionally devoided and intellectually disable girls enact to "get what they want." Who is that greedy? I just don't operate that way. If I did, I wouldn't insisted DH give me money, make demands before marriage and so forth. I have a friend who when she met her husband (previously married twice, w a daughter) and their relationship went forward, told him, "You have to waive all rights to that child, add me 50% to your business and assets, or else I walk." HE DID IT. At first I thought, "How conditional is her love?" But I see she is a shrewd business woman.

Yes, these men SHOULD do these things you mentioned, but their insanely ridiculous fear will not allow them to. They'd rather die old and alone than disappoint their sick  princesses.

Movingonisbest's picture

MissTexas you stated "You are also right when you point out the manipulation these emotionally devoided and intellectually disable girls enact to "get what they want." My ex even had the nerves to say his daughter cries when she doesn't get what she wants financially. She's beyond grown and that's just too bad. I told him she should work 1 if not 2 jobs to get the things she wants. She's to old to behave like that and he's to old to allow it. Out of all his kids she is the only one who regularly has financial crises. He has more medical issues and less finances because of them plus he is aging., She doesn't care because she still demands money and still makes no effort to see about him. Then to disrespect him and our relationship and verbally abuse him. If that's how he wants to live in his old age that's his choice but I won't be apart of it. If he doesn't want better for himself he could never want better for me which means he was never right for me. A true man wants the best for the woman he loves.

MissTexas's picture

nobody cares about our tears, or accommodating us, isn't it?

Yes, a true man SHOULD want what's best for the woman he loves. That was the picture that was painted previously, but I have seen how it works now. To be clear, SD iand her dominance over my DH is really the source of all of our problems. We had what I considered to be a near perfect marriage before all this ugliness reared its head. Our lives, otherwise (though this is a huge issue) are wonderful. The undue distress and influence she asserts over her father, and inadvertently our marriage, has been unlike anything I ever imagined would or could happen.

Again, your man was the problem. As long as he sacrifices his own medical health for her "wants" then he gets what he deserves. As do most of these men who put their daughters first.

Some say, keep on doing what you were doing. Make your love and home his happy haven and safe place, then he will see how SD is the problem. As mentioned previously, how do you do that when betrayal in distrust enter the picture. All you can do is move forward from today, and keep trying. I give the minimum now. It's all I am able to give and still hold onto myself.

Movingonisbest's picture

Miss Texas, you said "Some say, keep on doing what you were doing. Make your love and home his happy haven and safe place, then he will see how SD is the problem. As mentioned previously, how do you do that when betrayal in distrust enter the picture." I am not sure. Honestly I couldn't do it. Maybe you have to be a praying wife and give it to God. I talked to one of my sister-in-laws and at least in my situation she believes his daughter's mother is part of the culprit behind his daughter's behavior. She said he seemed like a pretty good guy. She said the fact I am a beautiful intelligent loving caring and supportive woman likely had both his daughter and her mother in their feelings. I don't buy it. At the end of the day he is a grown man and if he allows direspect, bitterness, jealousy,, and selfishness to come in our relationship, in my eyes he is the problem.

sandye21's picture

You and Miss Texas are both right,  On another thread you wrote that a man has to fear your loss more than he loves you.  I think this is the case with many of the cowardly men who take it for granted you will always be there to take up the slack for what they are responsible for.  Where the woman is emotionally has a lot to do with staying or leaving.  I admire you so much because you thought enough of yourself to get out of 'Stephell' when you did.  When I met DH my life was in turmoil which overshadowed certain happenings in my life that I should have been more aware of.

As Miss Texas wrote, for those of us who choose to continue to live with a cowardly man who won't cherish and protect us a little respect goes out the door.  Little things that used to be cute or funny are now looked upon as absurd or stupid.  Minor irritations nibble away instead of move on.  You do your own thing and spend less quality time together.  I often wonder why DH sticks around - is it for love or financial security?  It's a sad place to be but I am finally getting the courage to take a good, hard look at my marriage.

Thank you both for the enlightenment.

Movingonisbest's picture

Sandye21 glad to have you joining our conversation and really appreciate your input. I  think you are doing the right thing by questioning why he is sticking around. Have you ever asked him? It may be a waste of time to ask as he may not answer you or answer you truthfully. I  just really don't know. This wasn't easy for me to end things. But I sort of already had my mind made up that if she heightened her control over our relationship like she's the boss and he didn't shut her down immediately, I was done. Told him she wants to control others lives when she can't even stand on her own two feet. Do I  look like a fool that's going to let that happen? I had some other harsh other realties I shared with him about his daughter and himself. Things should never have to come to that. But when these men act like cowards it makes us have to defend ourselves. Defend ourselves on an issue that isn't even ours. Smh

trying to cope's picture

sadness, tears, anger, rage, resentment, me too.  I do not know what to do, I also want my marriage to last but the thought of my SD just makes me loose it all over again. And my husband is fine knowing that she will never apologize or stop bad mouthing me and he is fine with that, and that kills me.  You are not alone!

Hatersgoaway's picture

Disengaged a year ago and SD's don't care. Younger sent me an email to please call her.
to discuss what i think she's done that would make me not talk to her and I responded a day late after DH asked if i got her email. I responded i have lots in my plate and thank you for getting in touch. I will discuss things with you soon. Then i started to freak out. I am not putting my self back into this Situation again. I cannot go back and recount all the hurt. I am not planning to respond. I have been so depressed and angry my chest feels like it hurts. I have Ben taking it out on my DH because he allowed the behavior to go on for 8 years of marriage 6 years dating more. My daughters are sweet and have always had respect for my DH but his are narcissistic spoiled brats who only care about themselves. They tried to ruin the most important days of my married life and I AM DONE. My family wants nothing to do with them and the mention of their names gets me all boiled up and panicky. I feel so childish being afraid to see or talk to them but I just can't. Too much has happened and no apology or intent so i guess we will see if i can respect my DH after this and stay. I am emotionally out the door and don't want to even buy furniture because i wonder what for?  i think I'll be gone by summer. 

sandye21's picture

Today went to my therapist whom I've been going to for a while, trying to figure out how to deal with DH.  She said something that resonated with me and I will forever remember, "People in healthy marriages bring out the best in each other - not the worst."

I needed a husband who demonstrates that he cares.  Like your DH, his actions, or 'inactions' have shown just the opposite.  We didn't ask for much - just a DH who cared about us enough that they would not allow others to abuse us.  That they respected us enough that they expected respect from others.  That if we are not able to physically take care of ourselves our husbands will be there for us. 

An example:  Recently I had foot surgery.  I was on crutches.  My foot was supposed to be up at all times.  I had to go to the hospital the next morning because I could not keep the pain medication down. My DH dropped me off in front of the emergency door.  He didn't get out of the driver's seat to assist me, ask for a wheel chair or even open the door to the emergency room.  I was given morphine, which didn't touch the pain, then fentynal which finally helped.   After treatment, my DH ran out to get our car, then again sat in the driver's seat while I did my best to get into the passenger seat.  The blood had soaked through my bandages.  My therapist said I needed a DH who cared enough to drive up to the emergency drop-off, turn to me and say, "Stay here while I get a wheel chair."  

Like your DH, this was the attitude when my DH allowed SD's obnoxious behavior to continue way too long without taking any action toward an amicable resolution for all.  No apologies.  If I tried to explain this to DH he would become defensive and imply something was wrong with me..

I really don't think you or I are asking too much but it appears our DHs just have a different set of values than we do.  We are just mismatched.  Perhaps our DHs would have done much better with a 'take charge' woman who was so confident of herself that she didn't need a man to show support for her.  I was assured there are women like that but I'm not one of them, and I don't think most normal women are - including you.  It's really hard to get that respect back once it's gone.  Please know that you are not alone.  There is a better life ahead for both of us.


sandye21's picture

Thank you but I am finally getting my ducks in a row.  I used to say, "A little masochism never hurt anybody" but you can only whine so much before realizing you have to take charge of your life and say, "Yes, I DO deserve better - and I can even do it for myself!."  Happy to say I am on my way!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

((hugs)) to you, Sandye. He doesn't deserve you, and you certainly deserve better than him.

sandye21's picture

Yes, I'm beginning to see this.

piegirl's picture

I'm so sorry to hear this Sandye, this IMHO is a completely unacceptable way for your DH to behave Sad

notasm3's picture

I'm angry and you are right, he has every right to see his kids. But, I have to deal with his hurt feelings when he gets home.

No - you do not have to deal with his hurt feelings. That is on him.  He should not be dumping that on you.  If he continues to do something that is hurtful and self destructive then he forfeits the right to complain. 

I am completely disengaged from my husband’s adult son. After he and his GF ransacked our home and moved in for 2 weeks while we were on vacation I was LIVID. I have not said one word to them.  I just told DH to  keep them away from me.  And he has.

I told my DH that I know he loves his son.  DH can go see them - but he always checks to make sure that it doesn’t interfere with something I need.  He doesn’t discuss his visit when he comes home.  

Part of me wanted to rip them to shreds - but TBH they were not worth my time to do that  

Off topic - I too get IVIG infusions every 4 weeks. They can knock me for a loop. I have zero energy for a week afterwards and no appetite. 

Nursejulee's picture

The infusions suck!!! 

Rags's picture

Living well and enjoying your life is the best revenge. Focus on delivering on that revenge by living well.

Take vacations, go to the spa, engage with friends, keep your DH engaged in your life together. Eventually.... the toxic blended family opposition, yes the toxic opposition can include Skids, won't take up any space in your head except for an occassional smirk about how much you are enjoying a life without them.

Live well.

Take care of you.



Nursejulee's picture

It works well. 

sammigirl's picture

Yes, it is normal to feel what you are feeling.  

Continue to work what works for you.  Set Boundaries for you, not them.  Take it slow, breath.   Do not make their problems your problems.  Own only yours, not theirs.   After almost 7 years, I am still as angry as I was, I am still hurting.  I detest my DH 'S actions of betrayal.  But......I have faced the facts and am now repairing me.  They no longer matter.  I mean that! I do not care what they do.    My anger and hurt are very much under control.  My DH and Skids are no longer controlling my life.  I took charge of my thinking.

One thing to keep in mind,  as long as you are married to your DH, you have sds, it is not going away.  A father loves his children unconditionally,  as it should be.  I moved beyond this, and yes, it takes self perseverance.