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Nursejulee's picture

Well, I want you to know that two weeks ago my oldest stepdaughter that was the meanest to me sent me a random text message with a picture of her daughter. No words. Just the pic. I simply deleted it. Tonight she put my hubby and I on a group text asking us if we had seen a certain movie yet. I deleted it. I have not responded in any way and just try to keep in mind that I don't need to tell her I'm disengaged. I think when she sees my no response, hopefully that will be a pretty damn big hint. I'm still angry but I feel like I'm coping better. She wants to act like nothing ever happened and she didn't treat me like shit but that's not going to happen. I'm not going to be the idiot pushover anymore. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

That's what they do. She hasn't heard from you in a while, so she's including you on a text to see if you are still engaged. And these girls know what they are doing...... I remember when YSD asked why I never got mad at whatever they did. I sure wish I could answer that differently now (although she said it was all in fun - fun for who?)

It took mine a few years to get it.......OSD sending her flying monkey YSD to our home twice to gauge my level of engagement with OSD's Enchanted Family. 

They got the message, and I don't hear from anyone anymore.  Although they have started the Divide and Conquer for the Holidays Operation with DH, but it's not working. AS IF - everyone else's spouse will be in the Holy Land for OSD44's Narcissistic Supply/Christmas Gathering, but DH's spouse is not welcome. DH loves cooking a big meal in his drama free home, in the Florida sunshine with the windows open and our friends who are family. 

Rags's picture

Congratulations on your happy life and DH with clarity. Enjoy your drama free holidays. 

I am not sure what we are doing for the holidays yet. other than we will be in Austria for Thanks Giving with friends and visiting with the kid.

Christmas may either  be in SpermLand at my IL's or... with my parents RVing in Big Bend.  My bride and I both prefer Big Bend.  Which is interesting since the alternitive is spending the Holidays with her family.

When SO's gain clarity life improves.

piegirl's picture

I know it wouldn't have been an automatic reaction - my auto reaction would have been to respond, but would have to remind myself not to!

MissTexas's picture


I've had smiliar things happen and have completely ignored them. And btw, I'm sure you realize this,  "group text" is an attempt to show daddy she is playing nice, so she can flip it and say, "SEE??? Daddy, I'm trying and she's the one ignoring me." They like group texts so they will have witnesses, not so they can communicate with YOU. It's all part of their sick little game. By refusing to play, you are empowering yourself, and this also drives them nuts when you refuse to engage. She will come up with something else soon, especially since the holidays are soon upon us. Any time you think about backsliding and making DH happy by opening up the wound, think about how miserable SD has made you. Let that be your guiding compass. For years I put DH's happiness above my own and I suffered greatly with all the usual SD BS stuff. Those days are over. I've adopted my Aunt's Mantra: "If it Fu**s with my happiness, I get RID OF IT." She also said, "Once you get to "F" it, it's all good, but getting there is a SOB." She's right.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Even after years of no contact, they will try something or another to 1) show you are a b or 2) prove to daddeee they are so wonderful, or even more frequently 3) try to demonstrate they are in control priority over your marriage...everything they do during disengagement is based upon one, two or all three of these behavioral reasons.

You are doing the right thing by not participating in their sick game; it has no ending and there are no winners. The one thing for certain if you do participate, you come up the loser----again.

They are not happy if you get off the game board, because THEY make the rules.

Lollybobs's picture

Oh the 'group text' scenario is a favourite one when they're pretending to be nice. Stay strong!

Siemprematahari's picture

Makes you wonder why she's throwing crumbs? And expecting you to bite...... She treated you like sh!t and now wants to send text messages of a pic and ask about a movie....Yeah she can go and miss you with that nonsense. I would block her, that way you won't get any of her messages. She probably wants or needs something other than that you shouldn't be bothered by her trifling @ss.

sandye21's picture

Boy!  I'm amazed at this group!  Everyone saw right through the narcissistic manipulation to see this as wicked wrote, "OSD is fishing for a response ..any reaction to bring you back into the target range while at the same time demonstrating to her Daaaddeee how she is such a nice girl."  if you get reeled in again, SD can have the satisfaction of emotionally smacking you down one more time.  Imagine the look on her face when she realizes she failed.  LOL LOL

hereiam's picture

Yes, it's absolutely priceless when they don't get the satisfaction of getting what they want.

Bullies need someone to bully, they don't like it if their would-be victim just walks away.

Rags's picture

Bullies like it even less when their would be victim punches them in the face and lets them know that when the bully tries it again, reconstructive surgery will be required. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Great job, Julee! 

Once the SDs realize you've removed yourself from the equation, prepare for things to ramp up, especially with the holidays around the corner. You should also be prepared for your DH to backslide and perhaps try to persuade you to relent. Change is never easy, and his daughters may start pressuring him to "handle" you.

Have you drawn any specific boundaries with your DH concerning his daughters? Are they allowed in your home?

Nursejulee's picture

No, they aren't allowed in my home and he knows this. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

My YSD, recognizing I have drifted away, now is texting me asking her advice on painting a clock. She has not asked my painting advice in around 5 years. But she was likely thinking of how to reel me back in, and that's all she could think of.  I answered her questions succinctly. Apparently it didn't satisfy her, so she sent pics of her cats, which she knows are my weakness, one was a kitten I rescued. 

These SDs don't want us to be family, but they want us close enough to play ping pong with and reject us. No thanks, I'd rather hangout on the outside.

sammigirl's picture

Good job! Continue to disengage without words.

You may consider blocking your SD.  I blocked SD58  from all my social media.  I never ask or listen to SD58  and/or DH.  This will get easier.

Stepmonster90's picture

My husbands daughter has always been shitty to me. She was physically aggressive with me 3 years ago and no one ever said anything to her or kept her accountable "because she is a kid" she is 17 now and I never got an appology, but can't seem to let it go. Now mu husband wants me to work on mending the relationship. He says "it's time". I don't want to. Idk if I can disengage because it was so long ago and we have had little contact with her.

Catmom024's picture

My SO's sh*t stirring sister called him years ago wanting to know if I'd attend his drug addict daughter's baby shower.  Lol.  She couldn't just send me the invitation and wait for my response.  Something was mentioned about "mending fences" which of course involves me buying a gift.  No thanks.  Keep me out of everything.  It works for me !