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Nursejulee's picture

First of all, thank you to the genuine kind people that have helped me out. For the others, I have so much negativity in my life with all of this and your comments aren't helping. 

Now: latest update in a group text to me and hubby, she sent pics of the grandkids. And no, I haven't responded and I feel more at peace. If she ever wants to know what's wrong, I will tell her. But for now, the best thing for me to to ignore. 
I will say this one last time, this is self preservation for me. I found out I have an immunity deficiency and I have to go monthly to get infusions. Any type of stress can bring it out. And I just can't do it anymore. I have to look out for my health. For those of you that don't know, I had meningitis which unfortunately causes short term memory loss and it's heartbreaking. I have had to ask 3 times today what is today. 
I know how mean both of them can be and they are not worth arguing with as it could affect my health. I am severely depressed and I just need support. If you want to support me, that's wonderful. Want to give me advice? Great! But don't make me feel worse telling me things like I'm passive aggressive and so on. I don't need or want that right now. It's funny that I was called that because I'm very confrontational and for the sake of my husband, I'm trying to do my best to stay off the radar and not make waves. Plus, it wouldn't help if I tried. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Nursejulee, I know firsthand that stress can do terrible things to your health. And your health is THE most important thing so you need to do what is right for YOU

No one but you lives your life. No one but you knows what is best for you, your sanity, and your health. 

Please do what you need to be as healthy as possible.- both physically AND mentally. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

piegirl's picture

I've said it before but I feel there are a few here (me included) who seem to be going through very similar family (or lack thereof) issues. I really don't like it when people are downright hurtful, and perhaps they aren't meaning to be hurtful, but if they could just hear the hurt and anguish in our posts - when we are reaching out at our most vulnerable times - then perhaps they would rethink the comment they are about to type.

I am really sorry to hear of your meningitis and now immunity deficiency. You really need to take care of you! I don't have those medical issues but had to do my best to disengage for my mental helath. It was hurting me way too much, and was also hurting those (like my own DD's and parents) who actually do care about me.

Hugs to you, thank you for raising this, I'm sure a lot of folk agree Smile

sandye21's picture

I am so sorry if you took one of my comments on a previous thread wrong.  I never - ever would even imply you are passive- aggressive!   What I meant  was that there was one person who responded to your post who was being passive-aggressive WITH you.You are going through a lot right now - you need support and I give it to you with all my heart.

sammigirl's picture

I follow Sandye21.  Believe me, she is sincere when she says she gives her support.

She has travelled the road first hand, as many of us here.  Sometimes we are trying to help by stating it in our comprehension, certainly not met to be unsupportive.

We are here to support.


Winterglow's picture

NJ, focus on the important things in life, the things that do you good. You deserve so much better than what you've had. Take care of yourself and, please, be kind to yourself.


sammigirl's picture

The only thing that I could do for myself, to salvage my health, was to continue to heal my thoughts.  I am serious!  

With that said, I am totally here to support you.  Every one has their issues and have to love and understand themselves.  For 30+ years I lived for DH and making a "Brady Bunch Family."  During those years we had tragedy, DH became disabled, and in the end, DH betrayed me to my SD58.   I was crushed!  I was depressed beyond words.  My health was going down hill quickly.  My retirement was ugly.  I blamed myself for failing at everything.

Now I am a completely different person and back to myself.  It has been six years of fighting all of the above, especially the depression.  First I began by giving myself time to face the facts, no matter what needed to be taken on.  Then I went into action, no words.  Most important I TOTALLY disengaged from my past, everything.  This is still in progress on a daily basis, sometimes hourly basis. 

How I did this?  I have more hobbies than I will complete in my lifetime.  I am busy, busy, busy.  I have girlfriends, family that I go out for lunch, or a glass of wine.  I always slow down and take care if myself now.  How?  Little things every day that helps make me feel better.  A cup of tea, a ginger snap, a walk, whatever makes you relax.  I say "no".  I tell my disabled husband "I will get to that in a little while."  

I know it is horribly overwhelming.  Gather yourself up and hug yourself.  It takes a very long time to heal.  This will only happen when you figure out the facts, take control of taking care of you, and most importantly getting your thinking healed.   Stay here.  I am here daily, because I need the support here.

Lots of support and hugs from me!

Thumper's picture

Please please please take care of you. If that means blocking ugly people from your life then so be it. Everyone deserves peace. Sometimes "FAMILY" isnt loving, caring and compassionate. Although you cant change it, you can decide to stay away.

I wish you peace moving forward---remember take care of you.

AND it's ok to say goodbye to anyone who treats you poorly no matter who it is.



Lollybobs's picture

Julee, it's good to see you back....I thought you'd disappeared. Your health comes first so if disengaging is helping, keep right on down that road! Overall, I find this site a really great place to get support. It is just SO nice to know we're all in a similar boat ie not on our own. And if some people aren't supportive - ignore. They're not worth your time.

SacrificialLamb's picture

The pics of the grandkids were sent because the SD senses your disengagement. You are no longer clamoring to be approved by the Holy Original Family, and they are stunned.  So they are trying to rope you in.  Grandkids = Bait.

After my OSD said I wasn't family and I obliged her, she could not believe I was no longer interested in her Perfect Family.  This was over 4 years ago. Since then she has tried multiple tactics including sending Flying Monkey YSD to our place to gauge my level of engagement. I think they have the memo now.

After you have been on this site awhile you will learn who to pay attention to and who to ignore.There are several people that don't merit reading their comments. Unfortunately there are people who get hurt in the process because they are new and don't know and the administrator lets it happen because it was "just their opinion". There are people here who are in deep pain and there is a crew of bullies who look for a weakness and pounce on it.

I recall a few years ago a woman from South Africa who was truly in pain and came here looking for help. There were some helpful comments but she showed weakness and the bullies pounced. And this woman, who really needed help, cancelled her account immediately. She had given enough info I was able to track her down on Facebook and offer assistance, but she was burned by this site.  It's really a shame when you think about the help she could have received that I have had.  I got jumped all over my first post and told my DH was an a$$hole, but I have really thick skin and took the constructive comments and moved forward.

Please do not go away and please keep posting here if you need help. The helpful people will offer assistance and tell you who the abusers are that you should just ignore. It's a shame these people have nothing else to do.

If one of your SD's ask what's wrong, I wouldn't even respond. They will find a way to turn that against you and turn themselves into innocent victims. 

If you are depressed, please have your doctor address that in addition to your other health is short so maximize it.


Focused_onourlife's picture

This ^^^ 100%. I also agree with the above posters OP. Let the naysayers on this site say what they want but unless someone walks a mile in yours shoes they will never understand what you have endured.  Please take care of you and pretend your SD's does not exist,  they mean you no good will. I personally have stayed married to my DH and got out of stephell by setting boundaries with my DH and his family and even though my life have been much better and I'm happier it still takes time to start enjoying your DH again because of the let down on his part and the resentment that you've gained.  Take it one day at a time and focus on your health first and foremost and the rest will fall into place and if not you will know and be strong enough to do what best suits you. Be blessed and I'm rooting for ya my dear!

Nursejulee's picture

Thank you guys for your support. ❤️

Rags's picture


Good people struggle with toxic people.  We have to learn to not give a crap and to let them wallow in the toxic cesspool they create of their lives.  We do not need to dive in to splash around with them. Just hit the flush handle and let them go down with the rest of the turds.

Take care of you.