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Well wishes from BM

Trying to Stepmom's picture

BM texted "Happy Father's Day" to DH. Bad

DH's birthday was about a week before that and she texted him something like "I know it's late but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I was getting hell about it from your daughter." That's not word for word, but that's the main idea. Bad

I'm not worried about anything from DH. He texted "thanks" just to be polite. He doesn't wish her a happy birthday or Mother's Day. And why would BM think this is ok? She never has anything nice to say any other time of the year. 

Anyone else know of BMs that do this?


Rumplestiltskin's picture

He should not reply at all and ignore any communication not directly necessary and involving the kids. That's what i do and it seems to work. 

Sparkl3s's picture

Any time BM has turbulence or is single she gets real effing chatty. "I cannot Satan, stand down", is what I would tell her but am no contact with her myself. I let my husband  know that it was unacceptable  if it's not about the kids it doesn't need to happen. Period... 

I think he started saying something probably, probably that I needed to be nice for the kids or something but I cut him off. I asked him why he was good enough to support her now when he wasn't good enough when they were married... she had beeeeeeeest frands (men she was sleeping with), that she needed their constant validation. He dropped it and now ignores her when it's not about the kids. 

I had to raise a stink to get the point across. I hope it's out of respect for our relationship but if it has a little to do with fear of my reaction, I'm okay with it. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM has done this before, except it was his birthday and what would have been their 15 year anniversary.

Yep, you read that right. The woman who divorced DH in a fairly heinous way had the nerve to text him on his birthday, which also happens to have been their anniversary, to wish him a happy birthday and say "gosh, had we stayed married, we would be celebrating 15 years this year". And no, I don't think she was trying to twist a knife in his back. I think she thought she was being genuinely sweet/sharing a sweet sentiment.

It irked DH. It pissed me off. This was a few years ago at this point, so I don't remember 100% what his response was. I actually think she said it during a phone call, so I think he ended the call pretty quickly after that.

If she messages him any more, he doesn't tell me about it, which is fine. She tends to be a roller coaster of emotions, so her behavior is never consistent except that it's always inconsistent. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture


ESMOD's picture

I guess it depends on the nature of their split.. if they are "hollyweird" intentional uncoupling... then I guess they may have these niceties flowing.. but for the majority of the world, such pleaseantries are not really necessary nor appropriate.

If I were your DH I would have deleted and ignored the texts.  You can't control what the other person does, but you can control your response.  When the texts went unanswered perhaps she would get the hint and lay off the best wishes.. if she followed up with a "did you get that text" he could respond that "yes, I got them but to be honest, I really want to limit our communications to things that relate to the children, so I did not respond".

Trying to Stepmom's picture

He married her "to do the right thing for the baby." And he told me they had separate rooms when they did live together. So no, there wasn't love there.

SD14 only just found out that BM was pregnant with her when they got married. She asked because she knew her uncle had been married before and she wondered if him and her aunt had any of their kids before they got married. And then she asked about all of her other aunts and uncles. Then she asked if anyone in their family had kids before they got married and that's when DH told her. That shut her up real quick. 

fakemommy's picture

I think your DH handled it perfectly. Thanks. No reason to make it clear well wishes aren't wanted. I mean, why does anyone care if someone wishes them or their spouse happy birthday?

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I mean, I get it.

It's just weird when you have someone that treats you in such an awful way try to be nice.

Any time BM is nicer than usual, DH and I always wonder why and what is it that she wants. 

fakemommy's picture

I totally get it. Same here, but we just shrug and move on and hope it'll at least be a good example for the skid. We definitely wouldn't put ourselves in the position of being the bad guy and ignore it and we def wouldn't tell her not to.

futurobrillante99's picture

The best way to make it stop happening is to ignore it.

My XH1 texted me yesterday on the occasion of our first born child's 30th birthday. He said, "Congratulations. You're the mother of a 30 year old."

I didn't respond because........DUH!! I was there. I remember it vividly.

He's got a new girlfriend and should pay attention to her.

Thumper's picture

Goodness gracious, I honestly do not know how any of yous can stand having BM know your private personal cell phone number/s.

Dh and I had cells for years and years. We never EVER told her the numbers. The Judge didnt order it either.

IF, gosh forbid there was a awful, terrible emergency she could call the land line OR call the police who will call our police to knock on our door. OR she can call her free lawyer who will call OUR lawyer.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm with you. All this constant easy contact between exes is, in my opinion, unnecessary and encourages enmeshment and/or needless complications. TBH life was simpler before everyone was expected to be connected all the time. I sound like "Grumpy Old Man", but seriously. In an ex/divorce/custody situation it makes it too easy to make constant little changes to the arrangement, to send stupid little messages and pictures, and to generally be a nuisance. What if everyone just stuck to the arranged schedule and lived their own lives? Planned their activities around the custody schedule, as opposed to constantly accommodating each other's whims? I mean, people could do that anyway, even with technology, but i find most people are selfish or idiots and make life harder than it has to be. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

That would be great but we don't have a land line phone. 

I encouraged DH to use some kind of parenting/communicating app, but BM refused. 

I encourage DH to communicate with BM about SD, instead of relying on SD to be the middle man, which BM constantly does (which translates to SD making the decisions). DH would rather not hear from BM at all. 

Iamwoman's picture


HCBD (DD17's) texts me Happy Mother's and Birthday every year. It always makes me nauseous.

He is NPD. This is just a pathetic attention grab by a pathetic ex.

Sometimes I text back "thanks" just to keep the peace and sometimes I ignore. It all depends on what is going on with family court. I can't wait for DD to turn 18 so I can BLOCK him completely.

I don't think your DH did anything wrong. Keeping a high conflict ex from randomly exploding and dragging you through court / depleting your life savings is a tricky game to play. It gives me panic attacks.

I think if my DH stressed over every little reply or non-reply I've had with HCBD, I would not be able to handle the stress from both directions. Luckily, DH is confident in and supportive of me.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

DH can't wait until SD14 is 18 as well so he doesn't have to communicate with BM. 

BM doesn't threaten with court anymore and right now, DH wouldn't try to take her to court because it would just cost more money. And BM played the game of depleting his savings during their marriage. Shok