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Advice on Switzerland Friends/Sort of steplife

CLove's picture

Greetings and happy Monday, hope everyone had a great weekend.

Something happened this weekend and this morning that really made me think.

"Am I the A$$hole here" kind of thinking, Tell me, please.

This weekend was mothers day, as we all know. It came up in casual conversation, that DH didnt wish Toxic Troll "Happy Mothers Day" this year. Im like "you wish her happy mothers day previously? What about happy birthday? Merry Christmas?"

He responded with every year previous to this one he texts her "happy mothers day". The rest is situational. This bothers me. I get zero acknowledgement for anything I do for skids, which I understand. But if he can send her "happy mothers day texts", then he can acknowledge me. Or am the a$$hole here?

Then I find out one of his closes friends texted Toxic Troll "happy birthday".

Excuse me, but arent you supposed to be DH's good good friend? Why would this friend do that? It made me think that this is the "switzerland friend" who discusses me and my marriage with TT. Because any time there is a conflict involving me, TT likes to tell DH that "all his friends see how p-whipped he is, and how controlling of him I am". Doesnt matter what the conflict is, if it involves me, she brings up what his friends think of me. I used to wonder, who the heck would be in contact with her that she would cite them as a credible information source?

Am I the jerk for not wanting anything to do with this man? And for expecting DH's friends to not be in contact with her any longer? DH is a groomsman in his wedding coming up, so it will be an issue for me.

For those that dont know my story, Toxic Troll Bm cheated and abused DH. And she absolutely detests me. And she continually bad mouths DH.

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

You're not an a-hole to expect your husband to not text sweet little texts to his ex on special occasions.

But you can't expect the same of his friends. They know her and can stay in touch if they like. I would just be more guarded around him.

CLove's picture

Tells this guy a lot of things. I ask him not to discuss our marriage with outsiders, but I guess he did at one time discuss our relationship with this man.

I know I cannot expect this friend to not communicate with her, but if hes a good friend, I would think my HUUSBAND would expect it, right?

futurobrillante99's picture

I wouldn't get caught up in what your husband should expect of his friend as long as your husband is not sharing your couple business with this double agent.

You can ask your husband not to share with him and trust that he won't. But your influence ends at your husband. I just wouldn't be inclined to welcome him into my home if you think he gossips to BM.

tog redux's picture

I'm more shocked that your DH wishes that poor excuse for a mother "Happy Mother's Day". 

As for the friend, I'd need more info - does he talk to TT other than wishing her HB every year?

CLove's picture

I dont know more than the HB wishes.

Yes, Im thinking those are the words to how Im feeling. Shocked. DH should not be sending texts to Troll, other than involving children.

tog redux's picture

Especially of that nature, after she's helped to destroy his kids.

The friend  - eh, be guarded with him, but a simple HB is not grounds to refuse to speak to the guy. 

CLove's picture

I suspect that he is trash-talking me to Toxic Troll. She acts like she has "insider info". Hes an insider.

tog redux's picture

Well, keep your eyes open and don't say anything meaningful to him, and tell DH not to as well. 

Merry's picture

IF that is the case, then said friend is not a friend of your marriage. And therefore should not be DH's friend since he's not supporting DH's marriage.

If DH is blabbing marital and family woes to friend, he really needs to stop. It's not just an irritation, it's HARMFUL to your marriage. A big smack upside DH's head.

futurobrillante99's picture

People who have NO info will ACT like they have info. She's a twisted person and doesn't need actual info to pretend like she knows things.

I'm worried about you, honey. This whole thing with M has got you turned around.

CLove's picture

Always messes with me, somehow. More so now because Backstabber and I are not in contact at all, and had "the blowout".

So, it was triple sucky.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your DH is an idiot.

Is it ok if you text an ex Happy birthday, merry christmas, happy hot ex day lol. I dont think your DH would love that even though he may say he doesnt mind, because then that  makes it ok for him. Men are sneaky that way.

As for his friend. I would be very cautious around him. 

Tell your DH to keep his trap shut around his friend. Let your DH know that this friend is not a good one if he reports to TT.

Gawd I hate when not only does it suck with steps. but also with friends who were first marriage ones as well. Step life is so screwy on so many levels.

 

caninelover's picture

No, no, no.  WTF?  That should stop.  FF and Backstabber can wish TT a Happy Mothers Day but your ex should not be texting TT for any reason other than related to Backstabber at this point.  Not even FF as she is an adult now.

The friend sounds like a sh*t-starter.  You need to be guarded around him and DH shouldn't talk about marriage stuff with him if he's going to tattle to his ex.  

One good thing for me - SO's first marriage friends (the few that Darth Vader (BM) didn't alienate) were all through their church and stayed with Darth Vader.  SO lost faith in the church after his marriage ended so he has no contact with any first marriage friends anymore.

Olivia2020's picture

to anyone other than a therapist. Unfortunately you can't control what the guy friend says to TT but I would stay FAR away and removed from that guy. He's a Toxic Turd ;-) 

Do or did you plan to attend the wedding of Toxic Turd? I wonder if Toxic Troll would attend the wedding since they appear to be buddies. 

 

MissK03's picture

UMMM WHAT?! The least of your worries is his friend.... 

Everyone's situations is different but, if I found out SO was texting BM with any well wishes for whatever given holiday/birthday... For me it would be that he hasn't let go of her... I would contemplate my relationship at that point. In my situation that is. 
 

cLove if I were you... I would be seeing red right now. Not sure that helps you but, it's the truth. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

"I fricking love your mom " on Sd21's Instagram posts of North Korea. She sat with her at Sd21's high school graduation . I get your feelings. I do. It bothers the hell out of me cause Sd20 would be a normal person if it weren't for North Korea's craptistic BPD parenting. North Morea had of course called my kids snot nose little brats throughout the years so why fawn over her ? I don't get people like that 

advice.only2's picture

You are not the a$$hole, but your DH is for playing both sides of the fence. Your DH likes the drama, he's an addict and for them chaos is normal. Since you don't produce a lot of chaos it seems he thrives on the problems that arise between you and his Spawns and his ex. Sounds like that has spilled over to his friends as well.

CLove's picture

Thanks for posting this. I really do need to seek out a step-therapist.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

nails it. Girl, you're always able to cut to the core issue, and do it with about a thousand words less than me.

AgedOut's picture

and say you're still putting too much mental effort into your husband's situation. He didn't text her so that's that. And really you need to stop torturing yourself worrying about this and that. You have to mentally step out of it all. Say "I'd prefer you didn't because of x,y,z." then drop it. 

As for his friend, his friend can realistically do whatever they want and to be blunt, it's not your bee's wax if he wishes her a happy birthday. Let it go before you make a fight that needn't be fought. 

It's hard to metally step out of a situation you've been waist deep in but for your own sake, you need to. No more reading FB or looking to see who posts what and when. Let it roll off you and keep busy doing something else. Start planning birthday gifts you can make or Christmas presents for your family that you craft yourself. Take a local cooking or baking class, learn to knit, volunteer, do something anything to fill up the space where this all used to be. For your own sanity and sake.

 

CLove's picture

stepped up my activity level. But yes, I should not be checking FB where Toxic Troll is concerned. I need to lethim know "it feels disloyal to me" and then letit go.

He also needs stronger boundaries with his friends...

futurobrillante99's picture

"He also needs stronger boundaries with his friends..."

He has to figure that out for himself. Your job is your boundaries and I think the weak boundaries of others will bother you less when yours are stronger.

CLove's picture

My boundaries must be a LOT stronger.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think as you continue to grow, you're going to keep coming up against instances where your H's *ahem* deficits appear. He really, REALLY struggles with the concept of boundaries.

The indiscretions of his past likely retarded his emotional growth, meaning emotionally he'll always be a decade or so behind you. Additionally, he wasn't fully "uncoupled" (pretentious word, but accurate) from Toxic Troll when your relationship began, so he never did the work to become a single person before his next relationship. He conducts his relationships and friendships in a loosey goosey way, blurring lines and not recognizing basic boundaries.

Remember when I said he married up, you married down? This is part of that journey. Your challenge is how to school him and get him to learn new ways without coming off as witchy or domineering. He has A LOT to learn, starting with Loyalty to One's Spouse 101.

 

CLove's picture

You hit the nail on the head. It feels disloyal to me to have him text her any sweet friendly texts. 

I know I need to talk with him about this. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I think the best way to "school" people is to set a good example. You don't really teach boundaries by telling people to set boundaries, especially when your own boundaries are still weak. You show people what boundaries look like when yours are strong and you enforce them.

In this situation, CLove's boundary is that it's not okay for private couple business to be discussed with that friend and she won't be spending any time with him, doesn't want to hear about him, doesn't want to interact with him on facebook, and if any private business gets back to her because her husband blabbed to his friend, she will respond accordingly. She would let her husband know that he betrayed her trust.

It's when your own boundaries create peace and confidence that others take notice.

And the start of setting boundaries is realizing what is YOUR responsibility and what is the responsibility of others. Next is understanding what you can control and what you cannot. The thing we control most is ourselves, and we shouldn't try to control others.

Floral_SM's picture

The first year DH and I were together and DH texted toxic BM 'Happy Mother's Day' and I felt upset. I told him how could he be in a serious relationship with me, have his ex be so nasty to me, then give her well wishes like a SO would? He never texted her anything like that again. She hated it, abused him about me, but as the years went she has accepted defeat that I'm above her now. Your DH needs to do the same. Be civil, but not be friendly.

I notice that DH's close friends are still FB friends with Toxic BM. She's done the same in the past and abused him saying his friends tell her what we get up too. When he asked her who she wouldn't say. I rolled my eyes and said tell her you don't care and have fun living in speculation land and stopped responding. Again she hated it and eventually gave up on that too. Your DH really needs to shut her down and the drama will die as she has no audience anymore for her games. 

CLove's picture

When she makes those comments, that "all his friends see how wrapped up he is and blind to my ways" he doesnt respond directly to her at all. He has never addressed it and shes been saying this for a while - since before we got married.

I wish I could just not care, I really really do. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

How do you know it's not your DH telling TT things? Or SD14? Or that she isn't just making stuff up? I wouldn't blame the friend when you have more than enough people in your immediate circle who are liars and have loose tongues. 

Speaking of the friend, I'm on the fence. I don't think it's fair/appropriate to tell a spouse what they can and can't tell their friends. Now, if they share something they shouldn't, they have to deal with the consequences of that. But that is part of their integrity and trustworthiness, which is different than controlling what they do and don't talk about.

I get not wanting info spilled, and I definitely agree in terms of family. Friends is a little different in my eyes. Not sure how best it is to approach that, but my gut tells me that you don't have proof that Switzerland Friend said anything to TT so you shouldn't punish him and your DH based on assumptions.

CLove's picture

Toxic Trolls version of lies is Twisted Truth. Exagerations and twists of truth. So feel that something was said to her that she twisted. 

She makes things up based on a core of truth.

And several of his "good friends" and 1 "close friend" is facebook friends with her. And today she posted thanking this "close friend" for wishing her happy birthday.

I get that I need trust in my relationship with DH. Im definitely having trust isssues with him right now. Boundaries. He has weak boundaries.

Having proof is not a denial that its happening. Switzerland friend fancies himself as a Mr. Spiritually Open and posts "meaningful qoutes" that are always  from someone famous, never his. I just dont trust him instinctively. Hes one of those that are always out for themselves.

And I definitely know that Backstabber is telling her mother things. I felt that I was careful enough - nothing in text that I wouldnt want shown, and carefull in general. Although I slipped up a few times.

And I definitely know TT personality - she would be more than happy to repeat anything negative that B would tell her about me, just to drive the knife in deeper. So I know its not her in this instance.

Livingoutloud's picture

I don't care if my DH's friend texted BM. I have no control over it and it's of no importance to me 

I find it curious that you again focus on what everyone else is doing wrong: friends or SDs and blame them but you never want to address what your DH does and he is never to blame. Who cares about his friend. His friend owes you nothing. But let's address DH's behavior, if TT is as awful and if DH hates her as much as he says, why these sweet nothings? 

and it's entirely possible your DH speaks poorly of you to his friend or maybe even TT. Again it's on him, not his friend or his ex 

 

CLove's picture

I see your point. I am having a talk about it with him. His boundaries are weak and he wants everything to be "nice". He always wants to be the "good guy". Its his weakness. Even when parenting Backstabber, he would always hug her after yelling about something she did, or if he felt he was being too harsh, because he didnt want to "lose her like he did his eldest".

His friends, well, I know I cannot control anything to do with them. I just want DH to know he has to be on guard with what he shares.

There is much to work out.

Livingoutloud's picture

Honestly if he wanted everything to be nice and was afraid to upset and lose people, he'd be this way with you too. But he isn't. Only with others. It's not a boundary issue. More like "wrong priorities and lack of respect towards his wife" issue 

I also recommend to stop checking BM's Facebook page. I've never seen BM's social media. And the woman was truly evil. 

 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I want to point out that reassuring SD that she is loved after yelling at her isn't a bad thing. Yelling at her needs to stop because it gets you nowhere. However, reinforcing "I love you even if I don't like your choices" is healthy, and likely would result in better outcomes (IF he would stop the yelling piece, too).

CLove's picture

He is more calm than that. By yelling, I mean chastising. Telling her she did something wrong and theres repercussions, with a more severe tone. 

When he hugs her after this, I see it as more "well, its not like you REALLY did anything bad," so to me its like telling her "you did something bad that should have repercussions, but you arent going to have repercussions".

This has been a sticky point the entire time Ive been in this. No repercussions, for anything. Just "oh well, they did the wrong thing or a bad thing, what am I supposed to do about it, the ex will take me to court, or text me toxic things."

He has never been able to give punishments or repercussions. The eldest has been ruined and suffered because of this. If it wasnt me in the triangle as mentiond, it would be something else. Feral Forger SD22, was NEVER punished, from what I saw. She didnt want to clean her room? A talking to and thats it. Bad grades? Oh well. Caught stealing from JC Pennys? $250 fine? Pay the fine, so she doesnt get in trouble. Stealing checks and cashing them against an account so accounts will be locked up? Oh well, she can pay it back. Talk to bank manager to stay the lockout. Cant pay it back because no job? Oh well. 

And NOW, Backstabber and her false allegations and missing schoolwork. No repercussions due to threats of court, threats of full custody because cLove is a "meanie". As I write this out, I get angry all over again. She gets hugs and love PLENTY trust me.

Livingoutloud's picture

Hugging a child after chastising them is a healthy thing to do. Repercussion should be "you lost tv privilege because you watched tv all night and now are late to school". Not hugging a child is not a healthy punishment. Withdrawing hugs is withdrawing love in child's eyes and that's a wrong thing to do. Just because kids are trouble it doesn't mean they shouldn't get love and hugs. You honestly get more from kids by being loving than being punitive.

Sure he needs to be more consistent about repercussions but it doesn't have anything to do with hugging or not hugging 
 

 

CLove's picture

Point taken. I have no bios so I have no ideas about this. Thanks for clarifying. I guess Im just thinking its more like "Im sorry for giving you a hard time and repercussions because you did something bad/wrong" but maybe Im totally off-base. Obviously, with no bios, and disengaged, I will not have to really deal with this parenting technique.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My point is that you're focusing on the wrong thing. Livingoutloud is right. Your DH needs to focus on better delivering consequences. Those consequences should not include withdrawing love. Withdrawing love as punishment, such as not hugging or silent treatment, is toxic. In extreme cases, it's abusive.

CLove's picture

With all the threats of court and full custody, he cannot deliver repercussions for anything. He certainly cannot threaten to take phone away for missed assignments and cannot do anything for bad grades. She already doesnt go anywhere or have any plans to visit with friends, and since IM out, theres no family outings.

Really, theres no withholding of anything that will occur. So point taken, but its a moot point at this point.

And I would never suggest to DH that he not hug his kiddo.

Gimlet's picture

Spit that Kool-Aid out, cLove.

Do you honestly believe that he can't parent IN ANY WAY because it means he will go back to court?  First of all that's ludicrous and just another way that he dodges the responsibility of being an actual parent, as well as excuses his continued participation in the TT rodeo.  Secondly, wasn't TT supposed to file for full custody because of you?  Where has that gone, huh?

Doesn't he already pay state calc CS?  Or is he afraid of losing whatever deal he struck with the devil to pay less?

TT is never going to let go of the fun she has getting him to engage with her.

CLove's picture

Hes walking on eggshells right now. He can parent, just cannot give out any repercussions. Not yet. I mean, really his hands are sort of tied, because she will lie to court if she has to. Shes done the paperwork before that have allegations, and drug me through the mud, TWICE. And him too. Shes made threats upon threats and more threats. She just uses the threats to keep him unbalanced and insecure. SUPPLY.

I am no longer in the mix, due to my disengagement. He does pay the state calc, but its on the lower side. There was no deal, just a judgement.

I posted a comment about scapegoat and golden child...as well as this article:

https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-triangulation

I am seeing this so clearly now.

Toxic Troll directly triangulates with her children, FF is the scapegoat and B/M is the Golden Child that can do no wrong. They both compete for her love. SUPPLY.

THEN Toxic Troll triangulates with a kid and DH. SUPPLY

Another triangle with DH and I. SUPPLY

Here is what I came up with, in my comment: (slowly but surely Im getting it)

*************************************************************************************************************************************

This is EXACTLY what Toxic Troll has been doing all along. She has Feral Forger SD22 as her scapegoat. Or me. Or DH. Then Backstabber/Munchkin (B/M) SD14 is the Golden Child. TT and B will spend a lot of time talking about issues with FF, and there are many. FF is in total competition for momees love. B, as the Golden Child, doesnt have to, she just keeps on the down low. Helps out here and there, and provides her mother with supply about how terrible FF her sister is. 
FF actually texted me a few weeks ago about this when her sister had sprained her thumb during an argument. How they both "gang up on her" how she "acts out because shes so angry". I am looking foward to a time when FF and B/M band together against Toxic Troll. Thats what TT is wanting to avoid. She gets power and is the dominant force. They are falling over themselves competing for her love and approval. SUPPLY.

B/M has also learned how to "activate" her mother against Dh and myself, always when shes "in trouble for something". Or is upset about anything. Shes a big cryer. And Ive dried many tears over these 7 odd years. Toxic Troll can do no wrong of course. But if myself or DH are the "source of her pain", its to the court we go! It becomes about dominance again. Toxic Troll sees herself as the "sane parent". She sees herself as "the best mother ever!" She sees her children "suffering because you choose your wife over your children!"

TT creates this level of competition between them both (children) and has translated that to DH and I, to create a wedge between us and gain power and dominance. To feel superior. She finds any opportunity to put DH down as a "bad dad" SUPPLY. Any and every opportunity to put me down "your kids hate your wife! She is damaging them!" SUPPLY. "All your friends are telling me that she controls you and has you wrapped around her fingers and they see right through her!" SUPPLY. 

Which tells me that she doesnt actually feel superior at all, she feels inferior and she feels like her marriage wasnt that great. I dont really know, still thinking things over.

 

 

Livingoutloud's picture

You give way too much thought on what's going on in BM's life and most of it is speculation. I'd stop worrying about BM. She lives in your head rent free. Take the focus of her  

CLove's picture

Im just now understanding the dynamics so that I can focus on my own healing journey, and have a more peacefilled future. This understanding helps to re-focus on whats important and leaves her out of my head.

Livingoutloud's picture

You can't understand crazy. You can heal without trying to figure her out. Before BM killed herself she tried to make our lives he$$, heck the last thing before leaving this planet she did was trying to take away SGD away from OSD and getting CPS involved claiming she is unfit mother (not true) then assaulting OSD when that didn't work etc etc I have no interest understanding it. I know she had BPD because there are records of couple hospitalizations she had over the years and diagnosis was established. But there was no point and is no point for me to ever try to understand her mind or monitor her activity on social media. I've never seen her social media. You really don't need to keep an eye on her. Just live your life. I think keeping tabs on these people is detrimental to your healing, not helpful 

lieutenant_dad's picture

So he can't give her chores to do as punishment? Make her sit at the kitchen table and do homework for 2 hrs each night, even if it's for assignments she won't get credit on? Taking her phone at 7pm each night so she has to entertain herself some other way? 

Until a judge tells him he can't do something, he can be a full parent. He just chooses not to and chooses to "parent" out of fear.

And while you may not ask him to stop loving her, you seemingly have disdain that he does. Lookingly inwardly, do you think that's because when he's upset with you, he punishes you with the silent treatment? He withdraws love from you, his wife, while giving it to SD. He is clearly capable of recognizing that he CAN be upset but show love, but for whatever reason you're not worthy enough for it.

Yet, you're the one who doesn't lie. You're the one who tries. You're the one who gets hurt due to his ineptitude. So why does your DH punish you but not his SD?

That's a hard question to face, but you need to face it. 

CLove's picture

Having her do work at the table, taking phone away so she has to figure things out. Ive asked him to do this previously and he calls me "hitler". Its "too controlling". I agree - hes a lazy parent. Hes parenting from fear.

Interesting that you would point out, something Ive thought about and brought up with him.

Point blank. He treats her far better than he treats me. When she is with us, He is "tough love" with me about many things, but he softens his voice with her. Its all sweetness and light. He makes an effort to be like this because he sometimes has bursts of temper when something goes wrong (unrelated to me), and I get to hear it, and then with her, he doesnt do that. When he is irritated about something, I get to hear about it. Which is fine. Im the wife. But I never thought before about his withholding of love when hes upset with me, vs his affection with her when he is upset with her.

With her, its eggshell walking or humor. Joking and fun. With me, hes more serious. Because I bring up serious topics. Hes always been a sort of Disney Dad. Plus, Feral Forger has always accused him of being abusive, when he was trying to parent her and give repercussions. So NOW, with B/M, if hes too harsh then "hes going to lose her like he lost the first one!!!" That is always hanging over his head. Toxic Troll always beats him up about "losing the first child, now hes going to lose the second one".

Its Narc Supply.

Exjulie said it also. Hes got growth to do. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Just remember that his growth shouldn't come at your expense. If he can't balance growth with having a healthy - not even good, just healthy - relationship with you, then he shouldn't get to keep you.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Clove I think you are confused about your role as a step parent. Your husband will never wish you happy mothers day because you aren't a mother. This isnt a big deal and yes of course, he may choose to wish it to his ex (depending on how cordial they are) and his own mother or the mothers that he knows....After all, this is a day to celebrate mothers and stepmothers are not mothers...This should be encrypted in your brain...

If you take on a role of a side line partner with 0 involvement in the parenting of children, you will feel much better

You are being somewhat controlling in wanting your husband to stop being friends with a person just because they are friends with ex BM. Thats not for you to decide, he is a grown adult. All you can say is " i dont advise you to keep X as a friend as he seems to have a close bond with your ex and this will prob not end well in the long run for us"....If he decides to continue, then just say "ok but please dont disclose personal details regarding our relationship or my life to X and he isnt welcome in my home/around me since he has spoken ill of me in the past. Thanks"

 

You cant control a partners relationships....thats just how life is

The_Upgrade's picture

DH's best friend from highschool is married to BM's best friend. After the divorce BM slashed off every single friend that was still connected to DH. The besties got the chop and were quite hurt over the fact that they never did anything wrong, just wanted to support both DH and BM neutrally and BM decided to block them. For years I heard them talking to DH calling BM a crazy bitch and if she wants nothing to do with them then they're done with her. 

Fast forward a few years, BM and SD spend a holiday with the ex besties and rekindled their friendship (their kids and SD grew up together). Social media got flooded with posts about how blessed they were to spend time with their BFF. BM and Bestie's wife are tight again. Bestie has gone super religious and singing to the same tune as BM. In the last 5 years if you add all the hours DH has spent with SD you might get a full 24 hrs whereas bestie has spent weeks with her. And that's with him living in a different country. And if Bestie was that good a friend he wouldn't be lying to DH about barely talking to SD when SD herself has admitted they do group facetimes all the time. He's joined the other camp.

What I'm getting at is I can't control Bestie's loyalties. I can't ask DH to chop off a person he's known since boyhood just because I think he's a two faced snake. I can only limit what I say in front of him and just casually remind DH he's BM's friend too and hope dense DH gets it. 

CLove's picture

Sounds like a jerk.

Yes, I know there is no influence I could have.

Its funny however, that when DH asked him about texting Toxic Troll Bm, suddenly out of nowhere he was liking my stuff on FB and he never really does that, unless DH is involved in the post somehow. Just makes me think. He knows how toxic the Troll is towards DH. So in good concience he would not be friendly towards her. And she made an entire post on FB thanking this person for bday wishes. So Im thinking she just likes starting trouble for DH. As in "Poke Poke, see how your friends still like me?" Shes done that before with a few other friends of his.

Just another of her Toxic Tools. The children are the main tools. The friends are next in line. Because as was pointed out, she is an addict. When there is no drama, she needs to drum it up. I see that now so clearly.

Typically when Backstabber played the houses against each other, and it somehow involved me (she would get in trouble for something, I would say something she didnt like) there would be a HUGE back-and-forth. Loads of drama kibbles. THIS time was different. I did ZERO back and forth. ZERO responses. DH did minimal back and forth. Was gentle in his responses. The kibble supply has dried up quickly.

The addicts are hungry.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Yes its very annoying...What I notice is that BMs will try to garnet info on what is going on in your husbands life or yourself for their own entertainment. Their first window on your life is usually their kids. Dont think that they dont give a full report of what happens at your house when they leave to go back to their mom....thats if they havent been told to ask you/listen in when u talk about ur job/income/personal likes/problems/any casual topics with your SO or when your SO and you are having a domestic (be sure it will be reported and daddy will be painter as the innocent victim/hero by children while BM can delect in knowing he is miserable and you the SM are just a crazy bitch)

Their second window is your own husband and his family. A lot of BM pretend to want to be cordial with ex in laws or ex partners so they can gather info and create more drama for the new partner. BM called MIL recently asking for info about our whereabouts during a weekend and also frequently gets in touch with my husbands cousins that he hasnt seen in years and his own daughter who is estranged to talk shit about my husband and gather info

 

The third window is "common friends/acquaintances"....They may not care about them but for some reason as soon as the separation happens, they make it clear that these ppl have to be at their service as some sort of "double agent"

 

In short, being a SM you will never find privacy ever and everyone is ready to report on your life at any given chance. The solution: stay away when these "windows" are open. Its hard but not impossible

CLove's picture

My intentions were never that DH should cut this friend out of his life, but to have reservations as to what information he shares with this person. And how I should conduct things with this person going forward. 

FWIW - stepmothers day is this coming sunday.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

That person shouldnt even be around you. Its not your friend and the only reason they come around you is to gather info or report. Leave him to deal with his friend.

 

Your husband is doing his trash parenting as usual and if you dont tell him clearly that you dont want to be involved (i know you are afraid of upsetting him but thats just no way to live because he has no problem upsetting you or icing u out) in his BS and that includes having BM friends over at your house or caring for the unruly academically challenged child of his...

Ferals are a result of feral parenting and that is what he does....he wants to be friends with his children and thats ok but this shouldnt hinder your quality of life. He wants to bail out his child and thats ok but you dont have to pay the price...

Stepmothers day lol what a joke....who invented that?? Must have been a biodad in need of a fool to feel good about doing the maid/caregivers work without earning the benefits. I personally would never acknowledge anything like this and i am 100% sure no stepchild would ever celebrate this....they already wont even acknowledge a bday sooo y tf would they acknowledge SM day.....they prob view it as "bitch" day or "maid" day lol wake up people