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So were you gonna tell me?

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Just venting...

DH wanted to get SD14 for a couple days before she starts her practices at school. He planned to get her Sunday since he knew she would want to be at BM's for fireworks on the 4th. 

The plan was to get her Sunday morning. Well, BM texts and said that SD wanted a later pick up time. We figured that she had just woken up and wasn't ready to go and needed to do laundry. Hours go by and BM texts saying that SD's phone isn't working and she's taking her to the phone store, but BM has to work so picking up SD isn't going to work. 

By the time I put the baby to bed I still didn't know what the plan was for the next day. I figured DH was going to pick up SD Monday morning. Fast forward to Monday morning and turns out they were going to meet at 10. I get home from an errand and DH said it's now going to be around 4. I said "what's the point?" She would get to our house, only for DH to have to take her to practice tomorrow around lunch time. 

DH went to go play with DD4 and I was getting ready to feed DS, so I brought him his phone. Now yes, I did see the text convo between him and BM, but he doesn't care if I see it. BM's text this morning about changing the pick up time said "I didn't know SD invited friends over to swim today, so can we make the pick up time later?" I called him on it because he didn't tell me that it was changed so she could have friends over. He told me that he was mad about and didn't say anything at the time. 

Was he going to say something?!? I told him I was not happy about her coming to her house after hanging out with friends because you know they're not social distancing themselves. And if BM didn't even know, who's to say she hasn't been hanging out with other friends. Maybe I'm a little paranoid about the COVID-19 stuff, but I don't want to expand my social circle to include SD and alllllll her friends that don't seem to care. Ugh. 

DH at least texted BM that we should just not bother with pick up, but she tried to say "well, you'll at least get some time with her." I told him that he needs to just straight up tell her that he's not comfortable with SD coming if she's had friends over. 


Trying to Stepmom's picture

DH just forwarded me the email from the director that he got on Friday (but just now saw). The director even stated that his secretary didn't have SD's info yet (that's totally on BM). 

 The email laid out the guidelines for rehearsals and mask wearing, so I feel a little better about it, but I'm not crazy about having SD here after she starts rehearsals. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, how do wear a mask and play a trumpet? They are going to be blowing droplets everywhere.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

There have been some studies about this and the risk isn't high. As long as social distancing is involved. 

Simpleton21's picture

I understand you feeling paranoid about this right now with SD and her friend time.  I feel the same way about my SD.  Supposedly at her softball practice/games they wear masks and social distance.  But BM has taken her and her friend on vacation to TN, and I am sure used no social distancing or masks, and then SD couldn't come over on Fri b/c she had a "BIG slumber party with her softball friends she couldn't miss" yeah who knows how many people SD has been exposed to and not taken precautions with and BM and DH see nothing wrong with it.  I've been super careful with my boys and at my work and I know my sitter for my younger boy is being extra careful.  If anything happens because of them being wreckless I will never forgive DH, BM or SD.

Simpleton21's picture

thiscantbenormal....oh you know it was!!! It was her "really athletic/competitive softball team of 9 year olds".  I don't know how she isn't embarassed herself!  When I was 13 there is no way I wanted to go hang out with kids that much younger and only did if it was FORCED upon me!

Trying to Stepmom's picture

If anything happens because of them being wreckless I will never forgive DH, BM or SD.

I know what you mean.

I feel like DH and I have gone round and round about having SD here. He ended up talking with her (I guess her phone is working now) and he's going to pick her up soon. She hasn't and won't be having friends over before she comes - thank goodness. Although BM told him that her DS (SD's half brother that still lives with them) got back from Florida about a week ago. Apparently him and his gf were going to vacation, drove down there, said "nope" and drove back. I don't know the validity of this, but they've been back for at least a week. 

Simpleton21's picture

Seriously, the wrecklessness is so selfish! 

OMG, I would be even more concerned if they were with someone that went to FL and for all I know they could be.  I would love to tell DH that SD has to wear a mask at our home or stay in her room.  To bad he is a guilty ball less wonder of a daddy to SD so he won't enforce that.  I'll bring some home from work anyways Wink

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Apparently BM was going to plan a trip to Florida this month because one of our friends (SD and their daughter were in school together) asked DH about it. SD was allowed to invite a friend or two. SD was all butthurt about not being able to go because band rehearsals were starting. But in actuality it had to be canceled because BM's parents (who they always stay with) said no way, stay home. 

Simpleton21's picture

I really don't understand what part of pandemic these idiot BMs don't get.  I mean supposedly SD is "high risk" yet she took her and a friend to TN and then has her stay at slumber parties.  I'm honestly surprised she didn't decide to take her to FL.  I mean it is only the biggest hot spot (or one of them).  Cases in our area are rising and we are considered a hot spot also yet BM and SD just continue to act as if it doesn't exist.  Oh and SD in our case can miss any practice/game on BM's time for whatever reason but never on DH's time without threats from BM Nea

ESMOD's picture

I think a lot of people are starting to let their guards down.  Even my "sainted" MIL was apparently feeling up to having all her grandkids and great grandkids over this weekend for various holiday pool parties at their house next door to us. (my DH and I are persona non grata due to chickengate).  But, apparently all the better to have an audience for your "vapors spells".. so everyone feels sorry for you.

The clear irony of this is that they are both in their upper 70's.. health issues that would dictate extra precautions.. my DH and I have been helping them with shopping and gettiing the pool opened this spring and mower repair etc a lot this spring (until chicken just so they wouldn't have to see a lot of people.

And.. currently my YSD is quarantining at our other home awaiting HER covid results.. because her roomate's BF was closely working with 3 people who tested positive (he is waiting for results too).. and she had recently spent time with these grandkids and great grandkids.. so just in case MIL and FIL didn't get exposed.. they had multiple parties this weekend. smdh.

I truly feel that at this point, the risk of actual illness has gone down.. that perhaps the virality of the illness has diminished.. but if I were in that 70Plus category.. I would probably not be as lax as they are.  I get that people are a bit stir crazy from not doing things.. for 4 months!

tog redux's picture

That depends where you are.  Some states have very high positive rates, over 10%. And others have low, 1%.  The risk of illness has NOT gone down in the states that are seeing spikes. They have figured out that it doesn't transmit very well outside and masks help, which is why the protests did not cause a spike. But your MIL can absolutely still get it from a positive family member at a big indoor party.  You have to be around someone for a while, indoors, breathing their air, to get it. Passing exposures aren't likely to transmit it.

The idea that the risk has gone down is why the rates have gone up, that's completely wrong.

ESMOD's picture

In my state... approx 9% of the deaths have been in people under the age of 60.  

HOWEVER... Positive cases of people under the age of 60 make up around 80% of the positive cases in the state.

If you are under 60 and test positive.. you have a .34% (not 3.4%..) chance of dying (yes.. I understand there are some other health issues.. but the state data I am getting makes that the clearest "worst case" resolution for a positive case).

That is even if you become infected and are tested.. the reality is that there are likely more people that are positive than are tested.. people who feel fine who don't know they were exposed.. and others reluctant to get tested for a variety of reasons.  so the death rate for a large swathe of the population (including those who were protesting who were mostly in that younger bracket).. is really very low.  

People aren't (for the most part) seeing real personal tragedy.. they aren't seeing friends die.. they aren't seeing their peers hooked to ventilators..yes... some people are sick and dying.. but for the under 60 set... and really very much under 50 set of people.. the risks are very low.  I am in that 50-60 range.. so am being probably more cautious.. because i don't want to be THAT statistic.. but it seems clear that the risk to the majority of working age adults and children is pretty low.  But, I do understand trying to protect certain population segments.. but I'm not sure we can 100% have everyone comply.. even when mandated.. there will be those that won't comply for various reasons.. up to and including youthful hubris.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, the risks are low until everyone thinks the risks are low and goes around living life as usual. And then goes and infects their parents and grandparents.

If 1% of Americans die from COVID, that's over 3 million people. If that seems low and reasonable to you, then carry on thinking you can't really suffer much from this. LOTS of people have seen personal tragedy during this, and lots more will.

"I can't really get it and big deal if I do, I'm young," is why we are one of the worst countries in the world at addressing this issue.

ESMOD's picture

As I mentioned.. .I am actually being conservative and wearing mask etc.. I am just trying to give some context as to why we are seeing people who are not being cautious.. they haven't had personal tragedy.. they see the personal risk as low.. and yes.. the youthful "I won't get sick" or hurt from any reckless behavior kicks in

Then there is the real mental load of people quarantining for months on end.. without much human interaction at all.. shoot, my dad has a friend in a nursing home who has not seen a living soul in over 4 months... she is in her 90's.. and they won't let them see anyone.. everything is done very hands "off".  protective yes.. but she is very depressed.

I'm not sure where the 1% of everyone dying comes from.. we haven't had a million people in the whole world die at this point. and if you look at the data on daily reported deaths in the USA.. it has dramatically gone down.. despite new cases being reported up. rate of deaths is going down.. it makes sense that with more and more access to testing that more asymptomatic people will be picked up in the count.. but people will look at the actual deaths and there are people that haven't been impacted personally and those people are likely to chaffe at continued restrictions.. because they percieve greater risks to their lives from continued shutdown than geting sick.

Look, I am not trying to blow it all off like it's some big scam.. I am taking precautions and have been for 4 months.. I wear a mask.. have limited interaction with people.. if my DH and I need something from the store.. only one of us goes in at a time.  I also understand the very real and worrisome risk for older people..... Unfortunately, it was probably never in the cards that it could be easily contained.  If perhaps the world knew patient zero from day one?  maybe.. but the silent spread.. even before people knew there was a risk..there was likely no way to stop it.

We were in a no win really.. if we were draconian with restrictions and it all turned out to be "nothing".. we acted imprudently.. if we didn't react seriously enough.. we could have had worse pressue on our medical system.  as it is.. that has for the most part.. with the exception of a few medical regions.. not been an issue and the social distancing and working from home etc.. has likely helped with that. But, if there is no real "cure" and immunity is not acquired and kept.. then I'm not sure how we really are going to be able to permanently fix the issue.. some think it will mutate to a less virulent strain and peter out.. many viruses do.. may be already starting.. unfortunately.. it's a backward lens that gives us the clearest view.

Believe me, I'm not signing up for a summer concert series.. and expect that large crowds are better avoided for a while... even outdoors.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, it sounds like you are justifying it and minimizing it.

It was not ever a "no win". There was clear scientific guidance on how to deal with this, by people who have made this their life's work - and yet it was ignored, and now we are seeing the result. It was ignored because of political issues, lack of belief in science, and just general selfishness.  The states and countries that followed the scientific guidance? Past their peak and now very low. The ones who decided they knew best? Peaking, with many deaths to follow.

No, we haven't seen a million deaths YET, but this pandemic is not over, by a long shot. And the more people act as if there is no risk, the bigger the risk will become.  People saying, "oh, only 1% death rate isn't bad," are just fooling themselves.

If your state is low, you don't have to not see anyone anymore. You can socialize a bit with people you trust in the right circumstances. But going to bars, concerts, restaurants, rallies, in states with ever-growing rates is just pure selfishness and ignorance on the part of those who do it. 


sandye21's picture

We live in a small town, in one of the states which has spiked, and I can tell you with complete certainty COVID19 is on the rise here.  In only two days the rate of infection went from 4% of those tested to over 6%.  And only 4.6% of the people in this county have been tested.  Still, there are those in this community who think it is still a hoax.  I agree - it DOES have to get personal to convince a lot of people that COVID19 is real.

For the OP, I think you are going to have to put your foot down and just say, "No for now" to SD.  Take away the power she is presently applying to the whole family, waiting, catering to her schedule.  DH should tell her when it is convenient for her to visit, negotiate a time if necessary, and stick to it.  If SD starts in with the 'time change game' say, "Too bad, you had your chance.  See ya next time"


Trying to Stepmom's picture

As of right now, we're not one of the states that has seen a spike, but most of the new cases in my state are people 40yrs and younger. 

 We were invited to a relatives house for the 4th and I was uncomfortable because I knew we'd be inside mostly because it's friggin hot outside and this relative doesn't have a lot of outdoor space. 

DH talked with them and they mentioned at a routine appointment that they were given the antibody test and it came back positive for Covid19 antibodies. DH politely declined the invitation. Not to mention our DS had a hospital visit this morning. 

tog redux's picture

Right, the young folks are getting it now. But give it a month, and they will have passed it on to all of these older people described in this thread and elsewhere that are taking no precautions.

strugglingSM's picture

There are a couple of things that I find bothersome in this...1) why is the kid dictating her schedule? How did she invite friends over without her mother knowing about it? Are kids now in charge? 2) I'm so annoyed that people are now relaxing their standards and just expect everyone else to go along with it. My Skids are telling us all the time how they've hung out with this person or that person or how they went to their grandparents and this other person was there. Both DH and I are now high risk, but god forbid they actually take that into account. Now that casinos are re-opened, I'm sure BM is going back there as well. The latest is that one SS is supposed to go to Arizona in less than two weeks. DH has told BM that he's not okay with him going (BM didn't tell DH about the trip, just posted it on the calendar in OFW). Not sure why BM would let him travel anywhere, right now, but especially not to a state currently under lockdown. BM told DH he was overreacting and the situation might clear up before he goes. I think he will go anyway and the only way we'll know is that he won't show up for his weekend (BM also didn't tell DH that the trip was over DH's weekend). DH told him if he goes, he can't come to our home for a month, but that also likely won't happen because BM is a b&tch and sees visitation weekends as her time for a break. 

Simpleton21's picture

Right?!?! Both your points are bothersome but that is how it is with my SD and her BM also.  SD is the center of the world, can do no wrong, dictates everything based on her wants! 

Also, supposedly SD is "at risk" because of her "sports induced asthma" yet BM has taken no precautions and DH won't tell SD she can't come over b/c of possibly being exposed.  BM who is so worried all the time about precious little SD b/c she is so sickly/fragile is really acting like COVID doesn't exist and it is pissing me off.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

SD has always dictated her schedule at BM's house and BM caters to it. Anytime DH tries to confirm plans about getting SD, BM always says "well, let me check with SD and get back to ya." No! Be the damn parent and make a damn decision. I believe this is why SD has such anxiety when it comes to making decisions, because her mother (and DH to an extent) leave the decision up to her. So when it comes down to the wire and she hasn't made the decision, things either don't happen, get catered to her, or she has a meltdown and blames other people (DH). 

What I want to know is how was SD able to invite friends over if her phone wasn't working? She has an iPad also but she doesn't have WiFi at BM's (so she says). I heard SD telling DH that apparently her phone went haywire because she tried to update it but the phone didn't have enough charge even when plugged in. Whatever. 

I'm not a fan of people relaxing their standards either. SD was going to say something in the car yesterday but then whispered some shiz about it "being a secret."  So she texts DH "does SM know I was at Friend's house?" When I found this out I told DH I was pissed! She apparently was at Friend's house sometime last week. I told DH he had to talk to her because her not being honest about what she's doing is putting us all at risk. And I told him I wanted to be there when he talked to her; not to say anything but to just be there. Well, of course he had some light hearted talk with her when I wasn't in the room. It was finishing up when I entered the room. DH said something about you may not know someone who's had it yet and SD (mumbling) says "too late" and I speak up with "what do you mean, too late?" Then she tries to say she was talking about DH's relative that tested for antibodies. I definitely let her know that it's not ok to joke and say things like what she did. I know she's just a teenager, but I would have never said some of the shiz she comes back with. 

Later that evening I told DH I was not happy that he talked to her without me. His response? "I thought you were right behind me." WTF? He was in one room with me, then went to another room and I was still sitting in the first room with the baby - how did you think I was right behind you! 

Ugh, I'm glad SD is going to rehearsal today and hopefully we won't see her for a while since she'll be so busy with band and school starting at the end of the month. 

Simpleton21's picture

Supposedly my SD has anxiety too....since age 7....and she took heartburn medicine for it.  Of course my SD always has something....allergy to milk but not ice cream so it really isn't believable to me when it comes from SD or BM's mouth!  SD also has to much power in my situation as well so I can relate.  That is ridiculous.  It should not be up to SD at all. 

OMG, my SD/DH do this crap too.  They will text each other (when she is at our house) which is whatever but I know it is b/c SD is being sneaky or secretive and that is the bothersome part.  Also, I get so sick of DH "I'll talk to her" and of course it is always when I am not present so who knows what he actually said or if he actually addressed the problem which is usually not likely based on the fact that his "talks" never make a difference.  My idiot DH would try that same crap, they love to play dumb, "oh, I thought you were behind me"....yeah right!  Just like my DH "forgets" all rules that apply to SD.