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Anyone else feel the funk?

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I think I've realized this before, but I'm really feeling it today. Anytime SD is here, I get in such a funk. 

I try to disengage, but it's hard. And I'm a just enough of a people person that I can't just ignore someone in my own house, especially when they have an effect on what happens in my house. 

I really hope she goes home today, but seeing as it's almost 6pm and there's been no mention of a drop off time, she's probably staying another night. Oh goody (sarcasm).

Anyone else get in a funk when kids come around? I'm really starting to think I need to go see a professional. 

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

You are forcing yourself to stay in a situation that you do not like. I fear that therapy for *you* will not change the things you want/need changed. 

There were many reasons I left my formerSO, but one of them was due to the cruel ways his son treated me and my baby (genetically his half brother). His son was out of school for summer for a week and I packed our things and left. It was unbearable. FormerSO did little to nothing to reign in his brat (who at 13 was much larger than I am).

While formerSO was trying to convince me to come back, he suggested that I should go to therapy to learn ways to cope with his son and all of the other reasons I left. What? Why should *I* go to therapy to learn ways to deal with cruel (and downright abusive) treatment! He thought *I* should be changed, when it was really he and his son that needed therapy/to change.

OP, is it *you* that needs to change, or is it really your husband and his child that need help? 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

All of it. So very much.

missginger's picture

Steppedout -This isnt about needing therapy or who needs to change or your extreme comment saying she is "forcing herself to stay in a situation she doesnt like"! . Sometimes we as stepmoms just get in bad moods, funks, depressed, angry etc. Its just part of being in a blended family! From her other blogs things seem good with her and her husband. You had a bad situation. Hers is nothing like yours. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The fact that you have no idea whether or not the skid is spending the night tonight is enough to make anyone depressed. Who does know? Does DH, BM, or skid know? Being the last to know what is going on in your own home is the reason and all the therapy in the world won't cure it. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, that struck me too. I can't imagine DH just doing as he pleased with visits and not telling me anything. Of course, we had a BM who tried to limit his time with SS, so when he left wasn't ever in question, it was always whether we'd see him at all.

But OP, there should be a plan for her time at your home, and any extension on that time should be discussed with you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So many divorced parents have this loosely defined, whatever the bioparents feel at the moment, unpredictable way of managing who sleeps where. I fee like it's a type of enmeshment and is a consequence of poor boundaries. It then requires constant communication with BM/BD about who is going to be where and when. I mean, it's fine i guess when all involved are happy with the situation but you know who is *never* happy with it? The unrelated spouse or SO of the bioparent, who is the one left out of this tight-knit loop of those who do all the deciding and communicating based on their constantly changing feelings and convenience. It's selfish to expect your spouse to live at the whim of you, BM, and your prior relationship child. It makes the one who is left out feel unsettled and uncomfortable in their own home. People who want to live like this should stay single until the kids age out, or have the decency ti change once they subject another person to their dysfunction. 

missginger's picture

Yup! I don't have that problem to this extreme. DH and BM have such a rigid visitation schedule that it has almost never strays from the norm but I do have mornings where I am not told till the last second when SD is getting picked up. Like right now she is getting picked up at 10 and I found out last night only after SD and BM had picked a time and she asked DH if that was ok. Umm how about asking me since I am the one here with you right now? At least I found out last night at 10pm when she was leaving this morning.  I used to be told (again told not asked) Monday morning as he was leaving to go to work at 8. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Yes. I can put on a nice front for maybe 24 hours if SD13 is here beyond that I will start getting snappy. Short doses are tolerable but any longer than that and I become so annoyed with how my DH and anyone in his family who is around is up SDs ass. My tolerance got shorter after giving birth because SD constantly has to be touching my DD and drinking out of her sippy cups!!!

Then for the next week or so I have to hear my husband gush about how amazing SD is. By the end of the week he's the one in the funk because he was so sure this time would be different and SD would continue to call/message him. But she goes radio silent unless a holiday is coming up.

Unsureofthis's picture

You need to find out how long she is staying for, that is not unreasonable. Once you know you can adjust your expectations and make plans outside of her visit. If you don't know you will be walking on eggshells and not knowing when you can relax again! Talk to your DH.

BethW's picture

Yes I know that funk feeling all too well. The step kids have been here for over 2 months this summer and I STILL have no idea when they're leaving. My boyfriend does the same thing tho it sounds like your DH does.. I can never get a straight answer from him ever!!! I never know when the boys are coming, nor leaving. He also does the same thing with his mom. She comes and will stay with us but he will only tell me a day or 2 before she comes & then will never tell me when she's leaving. It's his family so he doesn't get why it's a big deal to me to know when people who are staying at OUR house are planning on leaving. So it's literally always up in the air. I never know 

SteppedOut's picture

Do you have any relatives that you can have come for a visit? With no notice to your huaband. Your mother, sister, cousin? Perhaps he will understand.

 

BethW's picture

Lol I've literally thought the same thing! See how he likes it. My mom came to stay once and he knew in advance. I TRIED to make it seem like I didn't know when she was leaving but he's not the type to ask questions so I couldn't tell if it bothered him or not! His mom has Alzheimer's so it's really hard for me when she comes over and I have no idea when she's leaving. She smells and doesn't shower. It's like watching over a child, plus she's a chain smoker & smokes in her own home so whenever she comes over, it's like a walking breathing ash-tray and the whole house smells that way.

Run4fun's picture

You are not alone.  When SD is here...the entire energy changes in our home and not necessarily for the better.   Sorry you feel that way....I've started doing things for myself when she is here.  The pandemic kind of changed that recently...but I can still get out and go paddleboarding, take a drive, run "errands" which turns into grabbing coffee, lunch for myself and just taking a drive....that is how I survive. Smile   Take care of you!