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Is this an acceptable boundary?

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So SD12 is apparently allowed to use her phone at school during lunch and other designated times. I don't agree with this at all. She's at school. She's 12. What possible reason could she have to not be able to make it through the day without being on her phone. It bleeds over into the fact that DH and BM have zero rules regarding her phone use and it drives me nuts because she's constantly glued to it.

Failed family picture

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Recently SD and BM found and went through some pictures of SD as a baby. DH and BM were divorced before SD was 1 but shortly after SD was born they had family pictures done and apparently those pictures were with SD's baby pictures that they found. Well now SD is carrying one of those pictures, with the 3 of them, in the back of her phone case. Am I wrong for feeling this is strange, inappropriate, unhealthy? 

Why does this have to be the norm?

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I keep trying to understand and use disengagement based on recommendations to save my sanity but it just doesn’t feel right. It’s constantly bringing me to question “why”? Why as SPs do we have to disengage? Why is the standard thought process “well they’re not your kid so you don’t have a say”? Why do we have to feel like second class citizens and prisoners in our own homes? 


CPTSD and narcissistic mothers

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So with the help of my therapist I've identified that my mother was a narcissist and that caused some serious damage that I didn't even realize. I've always struggled with not feeling good enough, having zero self esteem, and constantly wanting to be a people pleaser. I've realized this is where my fear of speaking up to DH about things has come from. I'm wondering if there are any other SPs out there that have had similar issues that then causes extra difficulty with your SP role and how have you or are you overcoming this? 

How did you decide?

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For those of you that have decided to leave DH/SO how did you decide it was time? DH and I have DS1 and every time I have even a thought about leaving I feel so guilty about doing that to DS. I only want what's best for him and thinking about making him a COD breaks my heart. One of the big reasons I think about leaving is due to DH's parenting (or lack there of) of SD11 and I can't imagine him being any different with DS. It also makes me want to vomit thinking about DH and SD and her disgusting mini wife syndrome having DS on their own.

What next

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I feel like I'm trapped and the worst part is I'm the one that's allowed it to happen. Obviously if I could go back in time I would be able to recognize all the red flags but I was naive. The thing is now is that I'm miserable and I don't know how to fix it. I want to just blurt out all the feelings I've been holding back but I'm scared to. But why am I scared? I'm scared DH won't even care about my feelings and will hit me with his "my way or the highway" attitude and tell me to leave? I don't know if I can carry on like this though. I don't even feel like myself any more.

A moment of silence

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Just needed to come here to have a bit of a self pity rant because tonight I realized that SD will always come before mine and DH's son together and myself. The failed first family will always come first. Trying to please and accommodate them is more important than enjoying our intact family. For some crazy reason I had in my head that DH would be grateful that he can enjoy our DS and not have to miss out on things but he's too worried about SD and what she's doing every waking moment. So here's to a moment of silence for the happy family fairytale I had in my head.  

Different perspective

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So a little back story... DH and BM got divorced shortly after SD was born. Because of this SD (now 11) has obviously never known her parents together. BM has been with her current husband since SD was 2-3 and DH and I have been together since SD was 7. We have SD EOWe and one evening a week.

Well recently BM dropped SD off at our house before DH got home. SD comes in and immediately starts bawling and calls DH saying she wants her mommy. This goes on for 30 minutes before they finally get off the phone because DH is getting ready to walk through the door. 


Was I talking to you?

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Anyone else deal with their skid thinking they need to be involved in every conversation you're having with SO? Anytime DH and I are having a conversation SD11 has to butt in with "Who? What? When? Where? Why? I want to see." I just want to snap every time with "Were we talking to you?!" I feel like it's another part of her mini-wife attitude and that's why it bothers me so much. I know younger kids are full of all kinds of questions but at 11 it just seems rude and annoying. Or is this just a kid thing in general?