SMto3's Blog

To D or not D?

That is the question. This will be long.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Last week Thursday, I complained to DH I didn’t feel he was giving me the attention I wanted as a woman. I know he’s struggling with the ED thing but it doesn’t always have to be about sex, we can cuddle, hang out, hug, whatever.

He said he just needs a day where I’m not complaining about what he doesn’t do.

So last time I wrote, I mentioned that DH seemed to be backtracking and was asking to have to his kids over to sleep over. Mind you ss24 has a gf, a 1 year old and one on the way. His gf has an apartment via way of her dad, and they live about an hour drive away.

Well…I probably shouldn’t have done this but I snooped and saw that SS asked DH to move back in. More specifically he stated “me and gf were talking and want to move back in the house to create that close family dynamic”.

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My DH, the backtracker

So stepgrandson had his first birthday party which we were invited to. Unfortunately they scheduled his party for early afternoon and time scheduled to end was 4pm, which would have meant DD9 wouldn’t be able to attend as she gets out of school at 3. I communicated this to SS24 who said “oh” but he didn’t change the time which was fine.

Should I allow adult skid plus family to sleep over?

The tenants I had in my home decided to leave for another state, so we moved back into our home. It's been okay, DH has been gone trucking again but he's here for the week. I'm having a belated birthday celebration for him today and invited SS24 and SS19. To recap for those of you who aren't familiar with my story, DH had custody of his first 2 kids from when they were about 5 and 10, and I came into the picture 2 years later. We didn't have the best relationship, and SS24 was forced out (by me as the driving factor) because he wouldn't save to leave and he didn't respect the house rules.

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Baby #2, DH guilt and teens

SS24 has another baby on the way. Not sure how they will get out of public housing now. I'm sure those boxing dreams are dead and done. I encourage DH to see them when he has free time and the last time he went, he said that he had to have a good talk with SS24 about their living conditions. Per DH, they live in a horrible mess, and SS24 is blaming it on his BM's father (who owns the apartment and lives with them all). I reminded DH that SS was always very dirty and lived in filth (see prior blogs). It was one of the many things I found difficult to live with about him.

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SS24 dreams of Boxing again

When SS24 was about 14, he developed an interest in boxing. I mentioned it in prior blogs. DH paid for his training and SS would go almost daily. He was good, but he wasn’t great. Had a couple of matches and then at 17/18 left the sport because he had a bad shoulder.According to one version of how he began smoking, SS says that someone at the boxing gym gave him some marijuana to help ease the pain of the shoulder injury. After he left boxing, he wanted to become a rapper/talent manager.

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over 4 dollars

As it stands, we've been coexisting in our little studio for now. It's a little cramped since we didn't expect DH to get into a trucking accident so soon, but we're keeping busy.

Yesterday DH gets a call and being the place is so tiny, I could hear him speaking low. I went up to get something and to confirm if he was on the phone and he's there asking "how much is it for your card?" and then "okay, I'll send it now", then "Love you too". Won't make eye contact like a scared puppy.

I wonder

How it became normal to expect a person to take on someone's kids like their own and not much else? For example, why don't people say, "oohh, he has a mom, you have love her like your own now" or "ooh he has siblings, you have to love them like your own"?

And while we're at it, why doesn't anyone ever tell skids "ooh, dad has a new partner, you have to love her like your mom!"?

Feeling petty

We're out having dinner and DH talks about a new electronic stroller that's out now. He says he wishes he was working so he could buy his grandson (5 months old) the stroller. In my head I'm thinking that maybe he should want to start working so he can do things for me and DD9, and then I feel bad for thinking that.

BM is dead

So I get a call sometime last week from an out of state medical examiner's office, asking if I knew BM. I returned the call and stated my relationship to her, and asked if she was okay. They then said no, she was found deceased on my daughter's birthday. No one knows why she left town, remember that she had mental illness. Apparently she went to ask SS24 for some money to leave the state to look at a lot.

DH was shocked, and he had to be the one to tell his kids. My heart goes out to SS18, he will turn 19 right before they cremate BM.

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