You are here

I wonder

SMto3's picture

How it became normal to expect a person to take on someone's kids like their own and  not much else? For example, why don't people say, "oohh, he has a mom, you have love her like your own now" or "ooh he has siblings, you have to love them like your own"? 

And while we're at it, why doesn't anyone ever tell skids "ooh, dad has a new partner, you have to love her like your mom!"?

No new updates from my life, except that I love not living with stepsons anymore. I did buy them some xmas/valentines gifts that SO got to give them. Nothing major, just some candy for SS18, an outfit and bouncer for sgrandson, a little charm and letter for SS24 and a perfurm set for SS24's gf. DD10 had a xmas fair and could choose 1 person to get a gift for, she got a baby book for sgrandbaby. Got a text from SS18 thanking me, and a photo of sgrandbaby with outfit on from SS24 and a video of baby opening book...and nothing from SS24's gf. I wouldn't be surprised if he trashtalked us (as was his MO), but needless to say, she won't be getting anything from me anymore. 

SS24 didn't get anything for DD10 for xmas or her birthday. I told DH to speak to him about that. I still have hopes they can "get it" one day, but from the looks of it, it's all the same crap, different day. The bigger part of my emotional space is taken by gratitude that we no longer awkwardly live together.



ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

That is something to be very grateful for - living with them is ALL the responsibility with none of the authority. My stepsons are the same ages, there's really no room for coming back home. We did that in their early 20s and it was a nightmare. DH was beaming proudly talking about those "moments" and I reminded him that I don't think either kid has ever washed a dish at our house and I am really happy I am no longer the free of charge maid. I'll make sure to take my shoes off when I visit your rentals just like you never did at mine. 

Rags's picture

Your position is as it should be. Kids are not adults. Kids behave. Period. Dot. Adults... adult.

As for loving a Skid.  Sure, in the ideal situation that is what should happen.  For me, it took time and it was an active behavioral process.

Contrary to popular prespective, love is not the tingly warm feels.  Love is action.  After the first phase of endocrine driven "love" us were the actions of love start.  Take the actions of love, the state and feelings of love will follow.

For mamals it is not a common or natural thing to accept the presence of a rivals progeny.  While I liked my then GF's toddler very much, I would occassionally have a visceral revulsion to his presence.  Fortunately people have intellect and  can make decisions that basic mamals don't or can't. So I loved my then toddler STBSS.  When we went on walks I carried him on my shoulders, I changed diapers, I fed him, I chased him through play scapes, his mom and I would walk swinging him between us at parks etc, we chased ducks together on the golfcourse outside of his mom apartment or at my condo's HOA lake.  The actions, build the feelings, and create the love.

For a toxic kid, the love is not entirely on the SParent. The bioparent and the Skid are the ones who need to take the actions to build the love that a SParent might develop for the kid.  The foundation of  that is basic respectful behavior.

IMHO of course.

CLove's picture

I think this statement should actually be "treat them like your own, love them the way YOU want to, in YOUR own way".

Also I think no one puts the onus on the skids to "love steps like their own parents" simply because Stepparents CHOSE this life, and the SKIDS have zero CHOICE in this, from divorce/separation to the new partners...

Stepdrama2020's picture

Agree 100%!

This is why the dynamics are so dang wonky. The skids are sooooooo innocent pushing an evil SM on them, they didnt choose it WHAA.

Thats why so many are entitled and angry they get to be lifelong victims with no accountability cause they didnt choose it. On the other hand life lessons are many things we didnt choose but we need to accept.


CLove's picture

I should have added that whole thing - we chose without knowing all the pitfalls ahead.

Skids didnt choose us, so when it doesnt go exactly how they want they can then play perpetual victim.

Dogmom1321's picture

Back in the "Brady Bunch" times, blended families were only typical if a bio parent died. Rise of divorce has in turn resulted in more blended families... except now the bio parents are still living and still involved in their kids lives. In turn creates the problem of "love as your own" but don't dare try to "replace". 

Good for you on the gifts. I have started getting DS3's basket together. Candy, some coloring books, crayons, etc. SD13 won't be here for Easter, but DH said she will still get candy. Considering DH has never "made" or put together an Easter basket in his life, I'm curious where all of this candy is going to magically appear from lol. I will definitely not be making it. 

Rags's picture

With the advent of remarriages after losing a partner to death, the challenge for the SParent is potentially even greater than if the X is living.  Ill raised children who are not held to standards of behavior and standards of performance can run amok deifying their deceased parent. If the  surviving BP does not keep that kid in check, the new SParent is pretty much doomed to pale by comparision to the sainted dead parent. Whether that parent was saintly or not.

Success for that blended family scenario is nearly entirely on the surviving BP to manage. The SP should demand that the BP manage it and tolerate nothing less than respectful behavior from their mate, Skids, ILs, and even the dead BP's family.

All perfectly reasonable things when adequate structure and standards are in place and enforced.

My DW has one of these parents. She never new her BioDad.  He was killed in a car accident a few days before my MIL confirmed that she was pregnant.  MIL married my FIL when DW was 2mos old.  Their families were old friends and MIL and FIL knew each other growing up. When MIL arrived back home from Europe (She and her 1st DH were stationed there) FIL was at her side.  Even my MIL says that DW was FIL's person.  FIL and my DW had an extremely close relationship.  Far closer than the relationship between FIL and BIL1, BIL2, and SIL.  In many ways even closer than his relationship with MIL.

Even with that, my DW's BioDad has a mythical saintly place in the lexicon of DW's life.  Though she knows, there is no reduction in BioDad's status regarding his death being a single vehicle accident while he was on Heroin.  

As a SParent the only thing that I can think of as worse than a toxic Skid for an SP is having to follow a deceased diefied mother or father.

My SS-31's Spermidiot is a dumb ass.  But in hind site, at least he isn't dead and diefied.  I always joked about a meteor strike on a SpermClan family reunion, it is good that the celestial forces were not aligned on that.  Or things may have turned out very differently for the relationship my son and I share.  Of course I never said these thigns to my kid.

Harry's picture

A bio kid has part of your DNA.  You would take a bullet for bio kid to save them.  I just don't know about SK.  You love them, but will you take a bullet for them ?  Will something happen the next day to get you are not my mother/father ?