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Fiancé kids don't like me. HELP!!!

Mrs.Marvel's picture

I've been dating fiancé for 3 years, we have a great relationship, He is the man of my dreams. The only problem is that his kids (sd13 and ss12) HATE me! 

Fiancé and Bm have 50/50 custody arrangement, and they're friendly with eachother. Their divorce wasn't dramatic at all, it was pretty peaceful; they actually are happier being friends than husband and wife. I've even meet bm a couple of times; she's a wonderful woman. 

My relationship with the kids was okay  when we were dating, but ever since we got engaged, they display their hatred openly. Their really are good kids believe me, they're the sweetest kids to everyone, just not to ME. Fiancé and bm actually PARENT them. They don't parent out of guilt. If they disrespect me, fiancé will handel in accordingly (more chores, lose of video games, cell phones, getting grounded). Noting deters them.  For the record, I don't discipline them. I leave all discipline to my fiancé; all I do is reinforce him. 

They refuse to come to our place (I moved in with him), but luckly bm will bring them regardles because she wants them to have a normal relationship with their dad; even fiancé wants that to keep having a relationship with them. Bm has had conversaions with them about respecting me not because I'm their dad's fiancé, but because I'm a person and haven't done anything to them to deserve such treatment. Fiancé has had talks with them just because he's getting married to me, doesn't mean he's going to stop loving them less. I've had conversations with them about how I'm not trying to replace their mother. They already have one, and I have no intention whatsoever on trying to replace her. I've asked them just to think of me as an another person in their life whose going to look out for them, and be there for them, and  have no "underlying mission" of trying to take their dad from them. Sd will say "BS". Apparently her friend has a SM and her SM basically "turned" her husband against her friend, and she has no intention of losing her dad. Ss will beg fiancé to not get married to me. He's told fiancé that all second marriages always end up with the first kids being forgotten about, and he doesn't want to lose his dad. Believe me, fiancé has tried MANY times to explain that will never happen, and all he has to do is give me a chance, but ss will say "that's what they all say" and will walk away looking heart broken. It's really hard to watch. They're actually terrified that their dad will leave them!

Fiancé and I have talked and he basically told me that he was no intention of abadoning his kids. Even I told him, that I would never put him in a situation where he as to "leave them". Even when he have kids of our own, he understands that I will probably be closer to the kids we have together than with the skids, and he's okay with that, but he will still be there for them regardless

Bm has taken them to therapy, that doesn't work. They just say that their dad WILL forget about them, it's all a matter of time. We've the tried tough love approach, that didn't work, if anything that made things worse. School just started, and sd was sent home sick and was sick for a week. The school called Fiance and asked if everything was okay. Turns out all ss is like a zombie in class, he will zone out, and will just randomly break down in tears. These kids used to love school, they were out of the house to catch the bus, because they hated to be late, now they don't want to go. It's starting to affect their quality of life! They barley speak to us anymore, they only speak when they are spoken too. They're so quiet that you can't hear them entering and leaving a room. I'm starting to think that they are getting depressed. 

Trust it's not bm's doing. She was actually happy then fiancé  and I got together, she even said the she was happy for us. We don't know what to do ??? we're scheduled to get married in 8 months, but I'm starting to think with how things are going, there's not going to be a wedding.  



lieutenant_dad's picture

Does BM date? That may be the only thing that "snaps" them out of it is seeing BM also moving on. It sounds like the kids have been super hopeful that BM and Dad would get back together, and your marriage prevents that. BM dating and moving on herself (not that she hasn't moved on, but you understand) might be just what is necessary.

Also, try doing split visits for a while where only one kid is with each parent. Yeah, it will take some coordination, but not having them in the same house to feed each other's insecurity might be the best thing.

Retry therapy. These kids are either super manipulative or super screwed up (why I don't know). Keep taking then even if it doesn't seem to work. 

Also, I'd be having conversations with these "friends" parents to find out what Little Johnnie and Susie are saying. It's not that kids shouldn't be allowed to talk to their friends about their feelings, but if their friends are having THAT big of a negative impact, it might be time to stop allowing that friendship (and have those parents talk to their kids).

Really, your SO and BM have either raised very entitled and insecure children, or the kids have ulterior motives. I do think they are feeding into each other's minds, so separating them to form their own opinions may help. The thought of "I don't want to lose time with Dad so I won't visit him to punish him" is pure manipulation. They WANT you gone, and they are going to dig in far and deep to get it. Actually, maybe tell them "fine, don't come over if that's what you want" is exactly what they need to be told. Then they don't get to pout and guilt you, can't get attention, etc. It spoils their game.

Ultimately, BM and Dad have to decide if they will give in to these little terrorists. If you leave, it will be the same with the next partner. And the next. And the next. The kids are creating their own misery, and it's a good life lesson to teach them that they don't always get what they want and they certainly don't get to control others.

Best od luck!

Mrs.Marvel's picture

I was actually thinking the same thing. Seperating the the two of them, so they can form their own opinions without the other one's influence. 

SO is already talking to Bm to retry thereapy. I would love to talk to sd's friends parents. 

We actually did try that, the whole "it's your choice " scenario, didn't work out at all. SO didn't have them here on his days for nearly a month, until he caved- I know..................

tog redux's picture

If you are truly 100% convinced that BM isn't behind this (I'm not), then the kids need to be told that while DH appreciates they are worried, you are getting married anyway, and they need to figure out how to get on with life.  They are getting a whole ton of attention for this behavior from everyone. DH and BM need to stop rewarding the behavior with so much attention and tell them they don't have to like you, but they do have to respect you, and then discipline appropriately.

My friend who had an amicable divorce started to date, and her son was not happy. He pouted and refused to talk to her new boyfriend (who she dated for quite a while before introducing him).  She tried and tried to talk to him and eventually just told him to cut it out and behave or get consequences.  He still doesn't love the guy, but he tolerates him. 

Mrs.Marvel's picture

Bm and SO basically told them that respect is a must, but then sd(smart mouth), has said that respect isn't based on age. She thinks that because of out to "take" her dad from her, she doesn't have to respect me. Ss will follow her lead. Bot have been punished, noting works. 

Now the both of them just ignore me, or they do speak to me, and it's only interactions (Hello, Goodbye, Thank You, Good morning, Good night). 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

These anxious little puppies need serious help and a dose of tough love. Everyone needs to stop coddling them on the issue. Challenege them to use their brains and logic, does your situation seem the same as their friends? Does their dad ignore them and refuse to love them? No? Then their fears are not based in reality so maybe they need to observe and fins a new way to think about this. 

Mrs.Marvel's picture

I agree with you 100%. They have brains and they are capable of using them, but this only leads to them thinking that all SMS are the same.

The tough love thing didn't work out. It made things worse

Harry's picture

Your SO can be supper friendly with his EX.  How are you going to feel when your SO and his EX is running your life. That thing he should be discussing with you, he’s discussing with his EX. Does he still have a thing for his EX ?  

If they get along so good, and care for there kids as much as you say, Then why did they get divorced? Why did they not just stick it out ?     SO and BM being so close, is giving the kids false hope that there parents will get back together.  The kids understand if you get married, it’s less likely there parents will get together.  

You will not want to spend every holiday with BM,  you will want to make your  your own holidays with your family and friends. With out BM.  And once you have your own kids. The holidays will be about them.  

Then haveing a baby will not only totally stop the dream.  But they know you will not want anything to do with them.  And after the way they treated you, that is what’s going to happen.  This whole thing is a mess. Because your SO is not putting his foot down.  He is Playing all sides 

Mrs.Marvel's picture

to him and he has taken toned it back quite a bit. Now it's just text messages, phone calls about the skids. They are still friendly though.

SO and BM got divorced because they weren't "fitting" together anymore. They just grew apart. They both a lot happier being friends 

marblefawn's picture

Where do you think the skids are getting statements like, "That's what they all say?" That doesn't sound like an 11-year-old talking.

It's hard to believe these young kids are coming up with such black scenarios without an adult influencing their thinking. If they were 15, 16, 17, maybe I could believe it (we've all seen Lifetime movies and the SM is always evil!) but they're young to be so resistent when both parents are reinforcing that the remarriage is a positive thing.

What does their therapist say about it?

This just doesn't sound right to me. Could the BM be pulling the wool over your eyes? Could she be saying one thing to them, but somehow sending subtle messages to the kids without realizing it? Could they have overheard a frank conversation, maybe between BM and someone? Is BM dating someone and maybe so much change at once is setting them off? 

I don't necessarily believe BM is intentionally sinking the situation, but it seems they're getting really negative messages from somewhere and the fact that it's both kids makes me think it's coming from one of their parents.


Mrs.Marvel's picture

said that it's an age thing, and not to worry that they'll grow out of it, and to maintain healthy boundaries. It's actually gotten worse though. 

At one time, I did think it was BM, but I don't want to accuse her of something she isn't gulity of. That would start problems for sure! But she doesn't act like the typical bm though. She's not noisey, as long as the kids are safe and being ared for, she's a happy camper. Even with disipline, she said that if they mess up, I have her permission to handle it as I seem fit, of course I leave all disipline to SO, but still. 

I agree though, someone is influencing them for sure... WHO though??

Evil3's picture

Get a new therapist. That therapist is totally incompetent and unprofessional to chalk it up to it being an age thing and that the kids will grow out of it. I'm a veteran SM of SKs29 and 27 and I can promise you that kids do not ever just naturally grow out of things. In fact, it festers and gets much much worse. Yes, definitely revisit the therapy, but with a different therapist. Also, don't put all your trust in BM. SOMEBODY is telling the kids something or they wouldn't have it so ingrained.

Also, the hard approach got worse, because things get worse before they get better. That means that it actually was working. Since coddling these brats isn't working, go back to the hard approach and stay consistent. If you and your DH are trying things, it doesn't seem like there's consistency. Inconsistency trains kids that all they have to do is last through the latest stage and they get to continue doing what they want. Stay consistent.

marblefawn's picture

Yea, I don't think they grow out of it except on a rare occasion. I think a new therapist is a good idea. A new one might see something the current therapist doesn't.

Stunned Step of 3's picture

Have you sat down and asked the kids to be honest with you? Give them ice cream and tell them you are sorry they are hurting and ask what you can do for them? Ask them why they don't like you and do they hope their parents will get back together; tell them you want what's best for them and they aren't going to be judged for being honest. They may be confused, manipulative, angry, who know's for sure but your life is going to be very difficult being married and living that the house unless you get to the bottom of it. At least you may gain some insight. I think if it's possible for them to see you as a non threat they may soften up. If that doesn't help, I would stay out of the house until they get older. I disagree with the above statement, I think kids can outgrow of anger and once they aren't as self absorbed, one day may want dad to be happy. 

SFKs_for_days's picture

I wonder if it might be good for the kids to have some 1:1 time with Dad to provide them with that confidence in his presence - they aren't super tiny, not sure why they are so freaked out, but maybe if they get some consistent, necessary, solo-Dad time they will relax a bit....maybe you are already doing this and I missed it - but speaking as both a kid of divorce, and now having 3 skids (no Bios), I can tell you the 1:1 time with DH is really important.  Not just once in awhile, but consistently.  Everyone wins!  Hope the wedding is on track and you get some happy 'Me Time' along with together time with DH.  The skids could use the alone time and so could you.  Smile . Best wishes to you!!  

SFKs_for_days's picture

I wonder if it might be good for the kids to have some 1:1 time with Dad to provide them with that confidence in his presence - they aren't super tiny, not sure why they are so freaked out, but maybe if they get some consistent, necessary, solo-Dad time they will relax a bit....maybe you are already doing this and I missed it - but speaking as both a kid of divorce, and now having 3 skids (no Bios), I can tell you the 1:1 time with DH is really important.  Not just once in awhile, but consistently.  Everyone wins!  Hope the wedding is on track and you get some happy 'Me Time' along with together time with DH.  The skids could use the alone time and so could you.  Smile . Best wishes to you!!