Fiancé kids don't like me. HELP!!!
I've been dating fiancé for 3 years, we have a great relationship, He is the man of my dreams. The only problem is that his kids (sd13 and ss12) HATE me!
Fiancé and Bm have 50/50 custody arrangement, and they're friendly with eachother. Their divorce wasn't dramatic at all, it was pretty peaceful; they actually are happier being friends than husband and wife. I've even meet bm a couple of times; she's a wonderful woman.
My relationship with the kids was okay when we were dating, but ever since we got engaged, they display their hatred openly. Their really are good kids believe me, they're the sweetest kids to everyone, just not to ME. Fiancé and bm actually PARENT them. They don't parent out of guilt. If they disrespect me, fiancé will handel in accordingly (more chores, lose of video games, cell phones, getting grounded). Noting deters them. For the record, I don't discipline them. I leave all discipline to my fiancé; all I do is reinforce him.
They refuse to come to our place (I moved in with him), but luckly bm will bring them regardles because she wants them to have a normal relationship with their dad; even fiancé wants that to keep having a relationship with them. Bm has had conversaions with them about respecting me not because I'm their dad's fiancé, but because I'm a person and haven't done anything to them to deserve such treatment. Fiancé has had talks with them just because he's getting married to me, doesn't mean he's going to stop loving them less. I've had conversations with them about how I'm not trying to replace their mother. They already have one, and I have no intention whatsoever on trying to replace her. I've asked them just to think of me as an another person in their life whose going to look out for them, and be there for them, and have no "underlying mission" of trying to take their dad from them. Sd will say "BS". Apparently her friend has a SM and her SM basically "turned" her husband against her friend, and she has no intention of losing her dad. Ss will beg fiancé to not get married to me. He's told fiancé that all second marriages always end up with the first kids being forgotten about, and he doesn't want to lose his dad. Believe me, fiancé has tried MANY times to explain that will never happen, and all he has to do is give me a chance, but ss will say "that's what they all say" and will walk away looking heart broken. It's really hard to watch. They're actually terrified that their dad will leave them!
Fiancé and I have talked and he basically told me that he was no intention of abadoning his kids. Even I told him, that I would never put him in a situation where he as to "leave them". Even when he have kids of our own, he understands that I will probably be closer to the kids we have together than with the skids, and he's okay with that, but he will still be there for them regardless
Bm has taken them to therapy, that doesn't work. They just say that their dad WILL forget about them, it's all a matter of time. We've the tried tough love approach, that didn't work, if anything that made things worse. School just started, and sd was sent home sick and was sick for a week. The school called Fiance and asked if everything was okay. Turns out all ss is like a zombie in class, he will zone out, and will just randomly break down in tears. These kids used to love school, they were out of the house to catch the bus, because they hated to be late, now they don't want to go. It's starting to affect their quality of life! They barley speak to us anymore, they only speak when they are spoken too. They're so quiet that you can't hear them entering and leaving a room. I'm starting to think that they are getting depressed.
Trust it's not bm's doing. She was actually happy then fiancé and I got together, she even said the she was happy for us. We don't know what to do ??? we're scheduled to get married in 8 months, but I'm starting to think with how things are going, there's not going to be a wedding.