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The Over Protective Biological father and the Well Meaning Step mother....

maylanna74's picture

Hi! does anyone else out there have the feeling that... the step parent does not get the trust or love they should have? My husband is way too over protective of his two teenagers.
If I was trying to hurt them or their dad...I could see it...but, I am not! We have communication issues like
so many other adjusting families...the kids don't talk to me unless they have to. I have given warmth and love to my husband and step kids time and time again... I still feel like they don't trust me.
Their Biological Mother left 8 years ago..she was an addict and did not mind who she hurt.
The kids hate change of any kind because Dad kept everything the same after she left.
My husband spoils them out of guilt for their mother leaving them... I clean everything.
We make them dinner every night without any help from them.
My husband says that I should keep showing them love and warmth even if they don't give it back.
If I comment on one of the kids he will say "What's with the questions." He gets defensive with me about them all the time... and I fear they are losing trust in me because my husband displays a protective behavour.
I am starting to feel like an empty well... they put the bucket down the hole I fill them up and no one sees that the well (me) needs filling too. I want to be a happy family... there are times that no one talks to me.
If I am in the room the kids will say what they want but they always say Dad first before their comment...
I feel like a ghost in most conversations. If my intentions were less than they all deserved I would not have moved in with these people... there is no trust in my opinion...any thoughts?

smartone's picture

I will share what I experienced. I actually just broke up w/ my bf bc of the issues he refused to see. His excessive guilt made him always give the exw what she wanted. It made him spoil his kids. It made him put EVERYONE around him 2nd to his kids. It put barriers to emotional closeness with me or my kids, even though he saw us WAY more. It caused him to be stuck in the past and kept his kids there also. It caused him to self-sabotage his efforts in court against his exw. It causes him to self-punish by over indulging the kids while neglecting his own needs. All of this is caused by guilt that is left to grow instead of dealing with it. In his case, it was exacerbated by his exw's actions. I suggest getting ahold of a book called Making Peace in Your Stepfamily. It covers this topic well, as well as numerous others. My bet is that his guilt is holding him back, which in turn holds the kids back. One thing the book made me realize is how it hinders the kids because they know/feel Dad is not okay.

maylanna74's picture

I appreciate your opinion and this makes sense.
I will look into that book you suggest. Thanks!

janeyc's picture

Your husband has made many mistakes, he should be teaching his children some respect, you are his wife for God sake! I have been having some problems recently, we had got to a stage where if I told Sd6 off, her Dad would become way over protective, yet I would be expected to be Mummy when it suited him, now I have put my foot down and said, I am Mummy all of the time and I will be respected, you've put up with this for 8 yrs you deserve a medal, however it must stop asap, you should feel, relaxed, respected and cared for in your own home, its time to find your inner Goddess and lay the law down, you sound so tired and unhappy, of course you will feel empty, none of your needs are being met, I feel like coming to your house and giving him a piece of my mind, (don't worry I won't lol), so you need to say to yourself, is'nt life supposed to be better than this? My own husband dos'nt respect me and my needs, what must I do? Only you can change what is happening, I wish you well and please let us know how thing go. Also feel free to message me any time if you need a chat.