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SO ended things last night- wedding called off. I'm heartbroken

Mrs.Marvel's picture

 I'm going to try to keep this as short as I possibly can. The wounds are still very fresh 

Back in October, Ss12 was diagnosed with depression after SO found some very dark/distorted entires in his relfection journal. He's been seeing his therapist since. Both SO and Bm are very involved in his treatment. His therapist advised them at the divorce is what triggered it- apparently it's more common now(that's  sad to hear). 

He went from being loving and full of life to emtionless, cold,  and stoich. His therapist advised SO and Bm that during the transtion phase, Ss did not know where he would fit in or belonged mixed with the fear of being left behind by both parents= depression. A lot needed to be clarifed to Ss to help him get to a better place. He needed to be assured that just because mom and dad are not together doesn't mean that they stopped loving him. He needed assurance that everything would be alright. 

When we got engaged in June, that's when Sd13 and Ss12 started showing their hatred for be openly. It went from hating me, to stepford behavior, to Ss being depressed. 

Sd13 still persisted with the stepford behavior until Bm called her out on it. Bm and SO were much happier being friends than being married and they communicated with one another within boundaries. She was a pleasant person. She was not manipulative, problem causing, noisey. I've talked to her many times and she was lovely. 

Ss was just starting to open up again but he was distant. 

Before SO and I got engaged, he did say that he was no intention of moving away from his kids. I agreed and would never ask him of such. Especially with Ss's depression, it would be best to remain here.

 A job offer came for me from a city only 3 hours away. It meant a raise and a opportunity to move up the corporate ladder. I made the mistake of discussing it with SO while the kids where at our place for visitation. I thought they were asleep and we were downstairs in the  living room. 

Sd13 heard; she told Ss.  SO was waiting to pick them both up at school . Only sSd was there. No Ss. SO called and texted Ss- no response. He went into the school; couldn't find Ss. SO called Bm, she panicked and rushed to the school. No one knew where Ss was for an hour. Bm got a phone call before she called the police and it was from Ss's friends mother. Ss had walked from school and went to his friend's house and he was distraught from what she told Bm. SO picked him up. Everyone was shocked, Ss it no the type to just up and leave like that. Might I add that his friend's house is far from the school. 

Long story short, Ss tried to  runaway and he told SO that Sd told him he was going to leave just like how SO was leaving. This was all a huge misunderstanding. I was discussing with SO the opportunity. I should have done it when skids were back at Bm's. Ss started to withdraw again. 

Last night SO ended things and called off our wedding- it was in 6 months (April). This came as a total shock to me. SO said that Ss is clearly not doing well with everything that's going on and he needs to take a step back. He's is worried that Ss might take another drastic step. 

He confirmed that he still  love me but right now he has to focus on Ss but how could he just break up with me and call off our wedding like that?. I was with him for 3 years!. I get that he's worried about Ss but what about me? Do I not matter to him? We dreamed about us starting a family of our own. I I wanted to spend the rest of the life with him. We talked about what our life would be like together and he just ended things easily. I feel empty inside

I moved back to my old apartment last night- I'm glad I didn't get accept any offers. I texted my girlfriends and told them what happened, they're going to be spending the night here. I'm so hurt and shocked right now. 2 days ago I felt as if I was flying; now it feels as though I'm drowning. We were supposed to go visit my family during the chrismas break but I guess I'll be going alone. 

I miss him so much that it hurts

 

 

 

Comments

Step-girlfriend's picture

Oh no, I'm so sorry! I can just imagine what you are feeling. It honestly sounds like a knee-jerk reaction on his part, because he doesn't know what to do. Unfortunately, kicking the person he loves out of his life and being miserable himself is not a real solution to this situation. Depression is not something that just gets fixed with one act, and what is the plan, that he just is alone for the rest of his life to attempt to make SS happy? I am positive your SO will regret this, but I'm sorry you are going through it. It sounds like you have good friends rallying around you. Hugs.   

justmakingthebest's picture

I don't have any advice but I am sending you a (HUG). I agree with step-girlfriend. This sounds like a knee-jerk reaction. On one hand I hope he realizes that this is a mistake and you guys can work through it, but on the other hand, maybe this is a sign of what would have been to come. Maybe this is just he begining of SS acting out and totally taking over your lives and relationship. I do feel like thsi is an excuse on SS's part to keep daddy to himself. Depression is no joke, I get it. However, when you use it to manipulate those around you, it makes me wonder what is real with him.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

I really needed a hug. Thank you so much!

 

ESMOD's picture

Oh... man this sucks.  I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.  Unfortunately, I think your DH made the decision that he did because he feels like he needs to be able to focus 100% on his son.  It doesn't sound like anyone thinks that SS is just being a willful brat.. but that he is legit having mental issues.  To be fair to your DH.. he has a responsibility to his kids to take care of them.. and focus on his son right now is part of it.  It seems like he should have been able to do that and still have a relationship with you.. but for whatever reason, he felt he couldn't do both well enough.. so he is choosing to help his son.

I hope you take the time to take care of yourself.  This isn't a rejection of you.. but more a need that he had to focus his energy elsewhere.  As hurtful as it is, in the long run it may have saved you a lot of frustration and even more heartache.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

he have a relationship with me and care for his son? What made him think he would have to choose between us?

 

ESMOD's picture

He may not have felt he had the energy to do both right.. and felt it a disservice to both of you to try to spread himself thin.

I'm sorry for your hurt.. and hopefully with time it will turn out that you find it was really a gift that will give you a chance to find a relationship where you are the priority.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Better this to happen now, before you are married and/or pregnant/have a baby. 

Your SO has shown you he will sacrifice you for his son. 

It has been 3 years since his parents divorced. If he has not been able to wrap his mind around it yet, it will not happen any time soon (if ever). Imagine what would happen if you had a baby and SS flipped out? 

Seriously, move on. Don't look back. Find a man without kids. 

Mrs.Marvel's picture

Everything does happen for a reason.

It just hurts so much. I thought he would at least try to work with me instead of tossing me out

futurobrillante99's picture

While I get that he feels the need to focus on SS right now, breaking up with you is not cool. Asking for time to think is cool. Asking to see a counselor with you is cool. Seeing a counselor on his own is cool. But THIS sends the wrong signal to the SS.

You say the adults in the picture seem like level headed people. That the divorce and your relationship with your SO weren't handled in a scandalous or harmful manner, right?

The problem sounds like it is SS, and possibly SD as a ring leader. Even if SD looks like she's A-okay with everything of late, something tells me she was behind the stepford kid game. Something tells me that she may be exploiting SS's fragile mental state.

The kid ran away. This is NOT serious enough to end a relationship, in my opinion. Did the kid try to harm himself?

SS needs help. SD ALSO needs help. What an a-hole to tell her fragile brother (and she KNOWS he's fragile) that SO is going to leave with you. That's some diabolical stuff. She's 13. She knows better.

The only thing I can say to comfort you is that this will work out as its supposed to. But have enough care for yourself to not let your SO treat you like a shoulder to cry on and side piece. If he's out and needs to focus on SS, he needs to do THAT. He doesn't need to be sneaking over to your house for some nookie and being vague and confusing about your future. Put your guard up. Don't let him trifle with your heart.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

He could have approached this better. 

Bm's and SO divorce was very civil. Noting dramatic at all.  I did not get involved with SO until after his divorced was finalized. 

I agree 100% Sd knew that she couldn't play her games with SO and Bm anymore. She knew the only way to get her way was to target use Ss like a pawn. She knew he was fragile and she used it to her advantage. She used Ss's fear. 

Mrs.Marvel's picture

When SO found out that Sd told Ss , he let her have it. Bm did as well. She got put in her place good. I think they already arranged for her to see someone. 

susanm's picture

I agree that you should expect him to try to have his cake and eat it too.  Be very much on your guard against him coming around for "talking" that leads to sex and keeps you on the string hoping that he will change his mind.  It is very likely that he will regret his rash action but not be willing to fully apologize and admit the enormity of his mistake.  Far easier to walk the fence and keep you as a "side chick" indefinitely while keeping his kids happy.  Please don't allow yourself to fall into that trap.  It will only prolong your heartache.  If he can't fix his mistake and do it openly and fast, he should at least have the balls to let you have your life back so that you can move on to find love again.

tog redux's picture

I'm sorry, that's hard and it sounds like you were totally blindsided.

I think it's wrong for him to let his son's depression determine his relationship status, but as the others said, at least you found out before you married.

Frankly, I thought your SO was way too overfocused on how his kids feel from the beginning of your blog, ie, getting way too despondent when they have negative feelings, so I guess this wasn't really a surprise.

CLove's picture

I went back to re-read your postings - to get a handle on everything you have journalised (isnt that a convenient way to recall things that you might have blocked out? It works, to do a sort of 'post mortem" on the relationship, to see where changes need to be made and recall how you felt.)

Im so sorry that you are heartbroken. I feel you - when the kids hate you, it becomes as if there has to be a choice made. But it isnt fair! Apparently you had all the right stuff going on, and yet it made no difference - those kids ganged up together (they sound very smart and since they are close in age, very bonded together...) and full on DECIDED to get rid of you. If you look back at their behavior, your SO was being majorly manipulated. Kids watch movies, read things online (because it must be true if its online), and then figure out their reality from that. Its so sad that they could not accept you. Their mother did no alienation, you sound very pro-skid, and accomodating to them. You tried, SO tried, but now he is basically making his son his number one priority. Over you. Over your future together. 

This is what he feels he needs to do. But if not you, will someone else be better? The kids dont like Dadee getting married and having more children. So he will not be allowed by his own kids to start a family or relationship or marriage, because its ALL THEM. Manipulative and controlling. Thats what Im reading.

Toxic Feral Eldest uses me as her scapegoat, but according to DH, she checked out a long time ago. I really wasnt in her life until later, however conveniently I was the cause of all her problems. Because I exist. I contemplated leaving my husband because I did not want to be the cause of them not having a relationship. She hates me. So I thought the answer was leaving. Like your SO, I thought that would be the way. DH, said no - you are not the cause of this. She is Toxic, and trying to manipulate. STAY.

If your SO wont fight for you, better to know now. If you are always going to be last, best to find out now. If any children you were to bear him are to be last, best to find out before you are committed and stuck.

Sorry if I sound harsh - I mean this in the best possible way, and I am very sorry that this is happening. You have good friends who are there for you. Your SO cannot be there for you. May they all live happily together.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

Your so fortunate that your SO decided to fight for you when you were contemplating leaving. 

Wish mine would have done that. As you and others have said, at least I know now instead of later

futurobrillante99's picture

Mrs. marvel, his unwillingness to fight is no reflection on you. It’s a poor reflection on your fiancé.

Mine didn’t fight for me when there were no longer any financial perks from me. That’s a reflection on him. He wasn’t going to change JUST for me. There had to be some other benefit because I wasn’t enough.

Well, I was more than enough. He didn’t deserve me and your fiancé doesn’t deserve you.

His daughter is a grade A shit stirrer and she may have been messing with SS’s head for a long time.

Count yourself lucky to get away from that girl.

Iamwoman's picture

I am angry at your SO right now. He should have discussed this with you if it were that important to him. Instead, he just takes the initiative to call off the wedding. That is just so cold.

He could have spoken with you, and the two of you could have come up with a better plan, such as pushing back the wedding date. He may have even given YOU the opportunity to call off the wedding. It just seems so controlling and cruel for him to blindside you with his decision that affects the both of you.

I don't know, but I think maybe you're better off not being married to a man who would make such a huge decision without your input. Imagine the other kinds of major decisions he would be unilaterally making down the road... "Wifey, I've decided to take our retirement fund and purchase a cruise." "Wifey, I've made the decision to put skids in private schools. I'll need your income to pay all of the household bills. Skids start their new school tomorrow." "Wifey,...(fill in the blank with any face-slappingly unilateral decision)."

Mrs.Marvel's picture

Had he discussed this with me, I would have happily agreed to push the wedding date back. I want him to have a normal relatioship with is kids, but he just decided this on his own. 

I know I'm better off but I still have to go through the whole heartache process

Willow2010's picture

  Oh hun…I am so sorry.  My heart is breaking for you.  That has to be a kick in the gut.  I hope you get over it soon and realize that it is probably better this way.  It sounds like this would have been a lifetime of extreme ups and downs with his kids. 

 

  And most here will not agree with me, but I probably would have done the same as your SO.  In my mind…My job was to raise my kids and THEN focus on a relationship.  Which is what I did.  DH and I did not live together or marry until kids were much older.  We were together 8ish years before we married. 

 

 But I do think your SO went about this the wrong way for sure.  I mean…this was just so sudden it makes me wonder if there is anything else going on since he did not even talk to you about it.  If it was a knee jerk reaction and he comes crawling back, I would NOT go back to living with him!  He has to take care of his kids.  Sorry again!

Mrs.Marvel's picture

come back and begs for forgiveness, I WILL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK. I still love him though and that's what hurts the most

ndc's picture

(((Hugs))).  I agree with others that, while it is heartbreaking and difficult now, in the long run you will be better off without him.  Those two manipulative children would likely have caused you a lot of grief and heartache over the years.  I also agree with Futuro that you do NOT want to end up being his emotional or physical outlet.  That's not good for or fair to you.  This might be your opportunity to really move on, take that other job and eventually find a man who loves you more than this one did and preferably does not have children.

hereiam's picture

I am so sorry that it has come to this and that you are hurting so much. Many hugs.

I do wonder about the suddenness of his decision and frankly, I think that he is a coward. I think that he had come to this conclusion before now, just didn't know how to do it, and his son gave him the perfect out. You are better off without all of them.

Chmmy's picture

Thats soinds terrible but a blessing in disguise. He has been manipulated by his kids. Most likely the depression is a show like my SD19. She my favorite skid of the 4 but she uses her "depression" for attention and manipulation. dH finally saw how fake it is.

Really it is a blessing coming from someone who wishes I wasnt married to the man I love because his kids are so fucked up from the divorce

thinkthrice's picture

with kids AREN'T worth it.  period.dot

SecondNoMore's picture

There is no easy way to heal from this. Give it time, take care of yourself, and recognize that you deserve someone who has more to give than this man does. I think Bio-Free is best suited for Bio-Free. Let the people with baggage all work out their COs, joint bdays, and child support and let those of us who have kept our lives a little lighter go have some fun with someone who can put us first... even if that means just putting ourselves first. 

oneoffour's picture

Only a few months ago SS was playing along with the stepford child game with his sister and happy to wander off with his best friends mum to some science thing. The dear child has taken this to a whole new level with his sister skipping along beside him edging him on.

He found out about depression and how to manipulate the situation. He found out the right answers to the wrong questions. I could understand if you were the paramour who broke up his parents marriage. But you are into this for 3 freaking years and NOW he decides he is depressed? Really? Unless this is some adolescent hormone driven underlying condition that has always been there and then it is more than likely.

But to suddenly write dark stuff that you all 'find' ... why wasn't he writing this stuff 2.5 yrs ago when his parents separation was a new thing and adustment was dragging the life out of him? Too tied up with working on Haiku poetry for school? And running away ... no he wanted to be found otherwise he would not have gone to his friends place. he would have hidden out in some abandoned shed or building.

The 2 of them want their parents for themselves and now they have got their way. SOme kids drag the dependency thing out for years. Consider that this is part of the plan. If they cannot have their parents back together they will get them to themselves. I just find it very odd that this Stepford life morphed into depression because his healthy, alive and functioning law abiding parents decided they are better parents apart than together. I find this all very fishy.

And any man who throws you out because his son needs him and wipes his hands of you ... well you escaped with your life. I know you love him and it hurts like a knife being plunged in and out over and over again. And sometimes you will not be able to breathe. But consider this, it will fade. The kids will get thier parents forever. And SD will more than likely turn into a mini-wife par excellance. SS will remain in helpless mode because he gets attention this way. Yes, he needs help. But dismissing you while he works on his sons depression will hobble him to the weird situation forever. 

Move on slowly. Do not take his calls. Arrange through email to remove the last things of yours from his home while his children are with their mother. Then do not look back or you will become a pillar of salt, Never moving on in life and slowly being worn away.

Siemprematahari's picture

Sending you virtual hugs and at this point cry it out, feel the raw emotions, and allow yourself to grieve. Get the support of your friends and family to help you through this painful time and think of recreating your life and remember to love again.

Once our hearts are bruised from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that no one will be able to get inside or we can love again......deeply, just as intensely as we did before.