I can see that a parent would not care whose night it is, so if he was single, that would be great for him to get to see his kids more than just "his" time. But he's not single and other people are affected, so....

There were times that we had my SD on BM's time but it was agreed upon between us, beforehand.

If your husband is ok with it, then I think it's going to be difficult to fight it. What you don't have to do is change your or your kid's schedule due to their presence or lack of presence in the household.

If the kids show up last minute and you were taking your kids to some event, then you still go do it. Make DH deal with the issue of not having enough food on hand or just order a pizza.

I think it's awfully hard for a parent to turn down their child's desire to be with them. If they are older as in high school, their social schedules might also feed into this desire to do off schedule visitation.

I would be flexible to the point I could but not let it interfere with your plans.

In my situation my step kids are with us most of the time anyway. Stepson lives with us and we have stepdaughter every other weekend and Monday and Thursday, but often times when BM is supposed to have her she says she is working and she stays with us. I don't have a problem with this unless DH and I have something planned that is not kid friendly then I put my foot down.

We are actually documenting things and will be going back to court sometime next year to try and get full custody of SD. She comes back to us without hair brushed, dirty, and in clothes 2 sizes too small. She wants to live with us even though she has more rules and responsibilities at our house. I don't put up with any crap from them.

my kids try that crap and I don't allow it. We do 50/50. I have a very picky picky eater. He makes them all whatever they want. I make one thing for everyone. So ya one will try that "I want to go to dad's" cause she doesn't like tacos. NO!

This is tough if you are the type of person who likes to be in control, to know when, where, how many and what time everything is happening.

I know I can be like that and sometimes I just have to let it all go.

If the rolls were reversed and your kids lived full time with your ex and you only saw them once a week or eowe how would you feel if they wanted to just stop by for dinner or to visit?
I know I'd be thrilled. I love my kids and love having them around. I want my house to feel like their house, I want them to feel loved and welcomed.
I'm guessing that's how your DH feels.

I know it sounds like they are being manipulative, as Nowires said, just going to Dads because they don't like whats for dinner, but give them the benefit of the doubt.

I think I'd have a chat with them and say look, I love having you here but give me a heads up so that I know how much to make for dinner.
I'd also have one night when they are not allowed over. One night when there are no kids there and it's time for you and DH only.

I completely understand why you find this annoying. Steplife is difficult enough without having the stability of a regular visitation schedule taken away. Your partner unilaterally made a decision that impacts everyone in your home. Not cool.

The key is your DH, of course. Until he experiences some discomfort directly attributable to this laissez faire arrangement, nothing will change.

Not enough to go round at dinner? DH goes without. Skids need a ride? That's on him. Skids show up right before the household needs to leave for a fun event? DH stays with his kids and you go with your bios.

Stick to the schedule that works best for you and yours, and make sure that DH is inconvenienced much as possible.

UGHHHH! this sh*t used to drive me crazy! it was always hard to plan anything! Especially with the dinner schedule. We had 4 kids to feed, that takes planning! I would make enough food thinking it would be all 4 of them and only 1 or none would show up. Then DH would be angry with me if I only made enough for us, not knowing the kids were coming over. I hated the inconsistency especially because I don't run my life in that manner. I especially hated the holiday schedule because my family would ask me if my skids were coming so they could have gifts for them or make sure they had enough food and my family would go out of the their way but then the skids would flake for whatever reason (because parents let them) and I would have to answer 100 questions as to why they didn't come. UGHHH I don't miss those days at all. I'm so glad they are all out of my house and I no longer have to worry about them and their day to day. I'm a total control freak and it took me a long time to let things roll off my shoulders. I was very resistant to the constant inconsistency. You really have to learn to be flexible when you have a blended family because there are so many moving parts and monkey wrenches being thrown everywhere all the time. Everyone has their own agenda. Its hard.

My ex and I lived about 5 mins apart and we never allowed this. My kids were 50/50 EOW schedule we had for 15 years when my youngest aged out. It worked out well for us.

SO and BM had the same 50/50 EOW and SD went back and forth all the freaking time, usually when she was with BM she wanted to come back to SO's house. Or if she was bored at SO's house then she called her BM they allowed it. The first time it interfered with our plans SO saw that it wasn't such a great idea. I think we were on the way to dinner or a movie when SD called. She expected him to turn around and go get her that opened his eyes a bit to the ridiculousness of the constant running back and forth.

"I don't like what mom's cooking"

I'd be tempted to tell them 'but that is what I made for dinner here'.

I don't mind an unexpected person or two for dinner. Easy enough to make do. However ditching Mom's dinner last minute for another 'restaurant' is plain rude and disrespectful. To you. To Mom. Dad needs to tell h's kids neither women is their hired chef.

I have no problem with kids bobbing back and forth but they should have the decency to give previous day notice. Swinging by after-school or evening is fine short notice if you're home and no plans. Overnight is fine to switch with 24hr heads up. Choosing which home is serving a better dinner is not.

This would drive me crazy - not knowing who or what to plan for every day of the week. If it were my kids I would be communicating with them before hand to see where they are going to be and when but you can't always count on that communication from skids. And then there is the aspect of putting all things (life) on hold just in case the skids want to be there that minute and participate.

It will be difficult to argue that with your DH because as a bio-parent I totally understand wanting to see your kids more and outside of court ordered, or agreed upon, visitations. Plan to do things with your own kids and don't put that on hold just for the skids. See how long this may go on before it starts to cause issues with not knowing what to expect each day.

I would rather have skid actually live with me, than have them show up willy nilly all the time. What a pain.

We are seeing exactly this at my house too. Our kids have all become teenagers and drive. Our house is in town and more convenient to their friends and activities. We used to have a consistent 50/50 schedule with my kids and a set night with SD then all the kids every other weekend. Now its a free for all.

At first it was really annoying - and I am the bio parent ! We were used to having a couple evenings to ourselves and every other weekend. DH and I discussed it a lot and came to the conclusion that we needed to just adjust our expectations. They NEED to grow and gain some independence. They NEED to learn how to manage relationships that aren't governed by a custody agreement. This is our time to help them learn that.

Meals are an issue even on days when they are with us. They are busy with their own lives and don't always show up at meal times. I try to plan meals when for all of us then they are supposed to be there. If they are good, if not we have leftovers. If they come in on a day when they aren't expected I tell them "oh, didn't expect you tonight, DH and I just ate leftovers" or "DH and I are going out" or "I only cooked for DH and I, you can see what else is in the fridge". I might offer to share what was prepared, I might not. They need to learn how to maneuver those types of situations and learn that it's rude to expect the world to work around them.

We make plans on our free weekend and let them know that's the case. If we are home they still often stop in. And I want them to feel like they can. It is there home too. They are becoming young adults and need some freedom.

I do find that my DD17 tends to always be with us and I have to tell her that she needs to go see her dad. I have to be more blunt with her and tell her that we need some time alone, GO SEE YOUR DAD ! "Go ask your dad what's for dinner" "Go beg your dad for this or that"

It's definitely a time of transition. For us and for them!

I actually left a note on the door on night a few weekends ago that said we were naked in the pool - enter at your own risk. They'll get the point eventually !

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/our-thriving-children/201407/americ...

Parents should decide schedules, not children

I don't have much to add except the above link. It's about ambivalent parenting and how this stunts a childs ability to grow up. This article resonates with me because of how my DH's daughters turned out. He wasn't "allowed" to be a father, no matter how many court battles he faught. BM won and the result is two emotionally challenged young adults that make really bad choices and decisions for their life.

It's really sad and quite tragic in my opinion.