Four years of marriage, husband doesn't seem to notice me at all except for the one night we don't have the kids.
Even though I am married, I have never felt so alone. My husband and I have 5 kids between us and we both work full time. We are both very busy working, driving kids here and there, taking care of the house, etc. However, in just 4 short years I have noticed the following changes in how he treats me:
1) he used to text at least once during the day just to tell me something funny that happened or to tell me he was thinking of me. This doesn't happen anymore. On the rare occasions I get a text from him now it will be something like "We're out of milk". Now, I know this is controversial, but I DO check his phone periodically. He never talks to me in real life, so this is my way of finding out what's going on with him. In no way do I think he's cheating, but reading his texts helps me discover if his ex-wife is asking to switch nights with the kids, etc. Anyway, you know who he DOES text alllllll the time? SD15 and biomom. Seriously dozens of texts each day. So it's not that he doesn't have time to text, he just doesn't text ME.
2) he's always on his computer at home, right up until we go to sleep. GONE are the chats after the kids went to bed. GONE.
3) he doesn't notice anything about me. New hair cut? Nope. New dress? Nope. He used to tell me I looked pretty. Now I could walk around with my hair on fire and he wouldn't notice.
The ONE time per week I get any acknowledgement is the one night we have with no kids which alternates between Friday night and Saturday night. Say it's a Friday night, if I work late, he will send a text at like 7 saying, "where are you?". It's like he has to have NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE before he'll consider asking about me.
He has ZERO friends - literally none - so when all of our kids are at their other parents, the ONLY person he has to hang out with is me. I think he believes that if he gives me attention this one night, then he can ignore for the whole week, but honestly, one night a week is not enough to sustain a marriage.
Also, I'm so resentful by the time our "date night" rolls around I don't even want to look at him. Oh, and guess what he wants that night?!?! Yup, sex. Try having sex with someone you resent the hell out of. Especially if it's in the morning after date night and you know that as SOON as you are done, he's hopping out of bed to pick up his kids. Talk about feeling used.
Have any of you all experienced this? Any tips on how to turn this sinking ship around? I'm so lonely.
- blending2012's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
What does he say when you
What does he say when you suggest doing something together after the kids go to bed?
I think you should tell him
I think you should tell him all of this. Send it to him in a text if he can't make the time to have it face-to-face or if you just don't want to. He can't fix what he doesn't know is bothering you.
At least you have one night a
At least you have one night a week.
Mine would just mope around and sleep when the kids weren't here or start a fight.
Later in the marriage he was really nasty to the point that he drove ALL of us away including SD who has always been his first priority(severe miniwife back in the day and continued to be his confidante upon adulthood-pure hell)
Daughter and I went to therapy. All of us disengaged. SD disowned us because we drew some boundaries and he saw that she only comes around to get $$$ or cause drama.
Too much has happened to fix. I have him and his on ignore and just concentrate on the business of life and my hobbies.
I'm too old and crippled up to leave and start over. My heart is completely closed now as far as he's concerned.
Yes, we plan together and take care of business together and parent together but there is nothing deep and meaningful. But that's okay. I am content with my kids and my hobbies.
Hope you can find some peace of mind whether you stay or go.
I've been there too and it hurts.
You and I must be twins!! Yep
You and I must be twins!!
Yep i make sure i do things that i want to do.
This is good. Let's help the
This is good. Let's help the OP practice I statements.
"When you are on the computer all evening after the kids go to bed, I feel lonely and unimportant to you. I need for you to spend time with me and help around the house every evening so that I feel like our life together is important to you."
Your DH's reaction will be something like "Oh, baby, I'd love to do that. I didn't know it was important to you" or somesuch other affirmation. Or, it might be "I'm on the computer to relax. You don't want me to relax?" in which case he isn't willing or wanting to make a change. But that gives you information. If he isn't willing to make changes, then you change yourself. Find things to do in the evening and don't wait around for his attention.
Wait - when you say that he
Wait - when you say that he texts "SD15 and biomom" allllll the time - do you mean that he is texting his daughter and the daughter's mother or his own mother.
It would irritate me if he had all the time in the world for his daughter and his mother while none for me - but ballistic would not be strong enough to convey how I would feel if he is texting his ex all day long.
But as others have said - talk to him. Preferably as calm as you can be. Just the facts ma'am. And expect the facts from him. What you do with those facts is up to you.
But I like to make decisions based on facts not assumptions, omissions and lies. And then you go make a wonderful life for yourself with or without him - your choice.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above posters. You really need to have an open and honest with your dh. The worst things that could happen is that he decides to divorce. Which honestly would allow you the opportunity to find someone who really wants you in thier life.
I don't know the solution,
I don't know the solution, but I can certainly empathize.
I sent DH a text the other day, something he should have responded to, but he claimed to not have gotten it until the following day. Hah. Right. The instant his phone buzzes or dings (at home) he is checking it to see what it is, and better believe if it's a skid or BM he answers right away.
We do not have any sort of bedroom sports when the skids are here. I have complained about that and been VERY blunt about how I feel about that, and it doesn't change.
My user name reflects how I feel most of the time...
This makes a lot of sense.
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
1. Not cool at all. I get
1. Not cool at all. I get making time for his kid, but for his ex & not you. That's not at all acceptable.
2. He needs to make time for talking & hanging out. It's important for the two of you to connect.
3. Totally normal. My guy never notices this stuff, NEVER has & likely never will. I've accepted this. It'd still be nice if he tossed you a compliment once a week, my DH at least does that.
Tell him you have needs that aren't being met. Tell him how you feel. He'll have to get off the computer first though or it'll be in one ear & out the other:/. Sorry you're not getting the attention you completely deserve.
Sounds like he's stuck in a
Sounds like he's stuck in a rut. Maybe take initiative and plan something.. a day trip or something? I can certainly see how this can happen.. hopefully it's not forever. I know with the experience I have had with men, it's probably not worth it to "talk about it" much...I've always been met with resistance and/or been tuned out when I need to address feelings.
Making time for the ex and not you IS something i'd be kind of peeved about though. What is he talking about with her?
What is he texting to bm all
What is he texting to bm all day? What do the texts say?
From time to time DH gets
From time to time DH gets into a rut. Computer and Fox News. Then I tell him that WE are in a rut. WE need to make time for each other. WE need to make personal plans. WE need to work on the kids schedules better so we are not burnt out running all over creation.
Then we make agreed changes and give each other the right to yell at the other if one of us strays back into bad habits.
So tell me, how does DH know you are upset? How does he know you want to spend time with him? Tell him you want to go to a movie (so he has to turn off his phone). And if you miss those sweet texts, sext the crap out of him.
This was great, thank you. I
This was great, thank you. I DO go in accusing and then get met with negativity. The "I feel" approach is less combative. Thanks for the advice!
"Anyway, you know who he DOES
"Anyway, you know who he DOES text alllllll the time? SD15 and biomom. Seriously dozens of texts each day. So it's not that he doesn't have time to text, he just doesn't text ME."
THAT is what I have a problem with. As Sally said, every relationship gets stale...and that can be worked on if both parties are interested.
HOWEVER, if my DH had all the time in the world for his ex and barely even glanced my way?! Nope nope nope. That means he is invested somewhere else and with someone else. People make time for who they want to make time for. If he can text his ex 15 times a day but don't have time to text you once? That's b.s. all the way around. That's emotional cheating because he has checked out on you and investing all his time in her.
If it were me? I'd talk with him and say since you are investing more time in another woman, I won't stand for that so we need to discuss options today about if this marriage is worth continuing because I will NOT sit by and be the side dish/last option/second place to my own husband! So what's it gonna be?