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Ugh...BM being stupid DH too

Maria10's picture

This has been an ongoing thing with SS13. He does not want to read anything and keeps coming up with excuses and manipulations ao that he doesn't have to study/ read. He did getdiagnosed with a reading disability and had an Iep in grade 5( he will be in grade 9 this fall). Do not know the status of that iep or anything.( I doubt BM got off her ass to go get it reevaluated since 5th grade).

Over the past year I was appalled to find out that ss13's teachers are still letting him read comic books in class as acceptable reading. DH and I agreed that SS should start reading real books( IE books without pictures in them). He was doing fine with that and the for a few months. Then he started showing up with mangas and books with pictures in them again. Not wanting to read his school material because "nobody told him he needed to".

When asked he would say BM told him he should only read what is necessary( this includes school material)  because he has a learning disability. 

This came to a head this weekend when we found out he got a D in english because he wasn't reading what he was supposed to. Then he pulls out a book with large print an pictures. We yelled at hime. Same response that his mom lets him.

Sunday night after getting home BM wrote DH a nasty text about her son having an Iep and the usual excuses and about how I had hurt her sons feelings blah blah blah. DH wrote her back that he agreed with me and gave her some excuses of his own. (What I think happened is that he went crying to his mom about how I hurt his feelings so that he does not have to do any reading at all)

Then over dinner next day he told me to lay off the kid about picture books because he never wants to hear BM like that ever again. (Though in the texts to her he agreed with me and this was a decision we made together for the good of his son). I feel blamed for the actions of stupid BM.

I am very upset at DH right now about blaming me for the situation. Am I over reacting?





ITB2012's picture

And BM and DH were like "he's just not a reader." Excuse me, but reading is essential to learning anything.

I bought this book and gave it to him. It's cute and he liked that it was talking about not reading. He read the whole thing. Then we moved on to other books. He's still not a recreational reader, but he reads well now and has the highest GPA in the house.


(Oh, and I didn't force him to read it. I left it in his room and said if his parents ask him to read, this book may help him out.)

Maria10's picture

The thing is that he does know how and it does make him feel empowered when he reads and understands books that do not have pictures. It's just that everytime I tell him to do anything BM puts a stop to it no matter how good it might be for her son.

Harry's picture

Why care if this kid can read ?  BM and BF don’t care ? Why are you the only one ?  Maybe because it the right thing.   Just make plans so SS does not live with you pass 18 yo.  And let his parents take care of him.  Let him Learn what a failure is, and what his life is going to be  

Maria10's picture

I have already reached my limit with this bs. Not the first time DH has done bullpoo like this. Sometimes it seems that all the troubles in my life would be solved if Ijust divorced him.

notarelative's picture

Has DH been to the school to see exactly what the IEP says? If not, that's the first place for him to start. As a bio parent, whose rights have not been terminated by the court, he has FERPA rights. He can ask to see the IEP, if it still exists, and meet with the teacher(s) providing services. And if it doesn't exist DH can ask why she tells the child he has a learning disability if he does not need an IEP.

DH can meet with the English teacher and find out why he is failing English. Book reading may or may not be the cause.

It's often said here that you can't care more than the actual parents. If BM and BD don't care, there is almost nothing you can do. What you can do is make a plan for what you are going to do when this child does not launch. 

Maria10's picture

We already researched about IEPs and found out that DH can ask for a copy of it from the school board/school. Dh will be calling soon. That way everyone can be on the same page(pun unintended lol) about Ss12 education. 

My informed hunch is that he either hasnt had one since 5th grade or his IEP got renewed without input from the parents therefore it is highly ineffective. DH was only called by BM once 2 hrs prior to ss12 second appointment for IEP.( yez once in 4 ys) and Ss12 does not have any other scholastic help besides in the reading class. He used to have really bad grades before we got him to start reading his school assignments.

notarelative's picture

If the IEP is in effect, a parent had to sign it. That's federal law. If DH didn't sign it, BM did. Only one parent signature is required.

. DH was only called by BM once

DH needs to be sure the school has his contact information. He shouldn't be relying on BM to contact him. He needs to give the school his information and tell them to contact him in addition to BM. It's DH's responsibility to stay on top of things.

DH can get a copy, but unless he meets with the teacher who wrote it and the teacher implementing it, reading it may not be of much use. It may be written in educationeze and need some interpretation into standard English. 

Also, DH needs to remember that an IEP does not guarantee a passing grade. An IEP gives you a way to do the work, but you still have to do the work. 


fourbrats's picture

then he should have accommodations. For example, audio books as well as written books for class assignments. If the class is reading The Outsiders then he has access to both the written and audio versions. But he must do the class assignments. 

As far as what he reads outside of class assignments...comic books, Manga, graphic novels, audio books, etc are all valid forms of recreational reading. My youngest has learning disabilities and we have always let her read what she enjoys. Most of the Mangas have stories that are just as complete as a 500 page novel. And we do the written/audio combo for classwork. She can read along (she is also a Freshman) and the audio version helps her catch words she may miss in her reading. 

Maria10's picture

I wish the school would give him audio versions of books as well. I had a few friends(when I was in school) who had a reading disability and were getting excellent results with audioooks.

He does really well with reading if it is quiet. His grades improved dramatically then dropped back down again.

I also agree that for recreational reading mangas and picture books are ok. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Maria10~ you mean well in trying to get SS up to par with his reading but if his mother and father are not pushing it on him to do better.....than there really isn't much you can do but stay out of it. I know it's frustrating for you because you see & know that he is capable of more but you'll drive yourself crazy continuing to push for something that you have no control over. In time your H and BM will see the disservice that they have created towards their son by not motivating and instilling discipline when it comes to the importance of reading.

Maria10's picture

H tends to blame BM. Bm blames the disabilty. The child does what he wants. I only hope one day (soon one hopes) he will realize that these things are important to him and start reading on his own.