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Stepdaddy expects SS12 to be punished at our house

Maria10's picture

As you all know I have been complaining for awhile about Bm1 and her crazy. Today DH told me he was mad about a situation.

We had SS12 over the weekend. 

At the beginning of the weekend BM told DH that SS is to not play any video games at our house because he did not do the dishes at Bm house. (?)

 He is GREAT at doing chores at our house.So we let him play for a bit when he was at our house. 

Ss12  finished his semester today. He had a 3.7 average- the highest it has ever been. When stepdaddy(BM dh) found out  we let SS play videogames and that his gpa is the highest it has been. he told ss12 that he would have been rewarded for his grades ( by playing videogames)but that since DH let him play video games at our house he cannot play them until the week end( to finish out his punishment). So basically the kid is getting punished for how dad chooses to spend time with him!

I find so many things wrong with this. I was surprised that this time it came from stepdaddy and not BM.(she used to do this all the time before)

What do you gals think about this? Anybody dealt with something similar?

Comments

ndc's picture

The way I see it, he's not being punished because of how dad spends time with him. He's being punished for not doing the dishes at BM's house. Since he didn't serve his no-electronics punishment over the weekend, he's serving it during the week.  I have no problem with that. Their house, their rules, their punishment. 

I DO have a problem with BM expecting your DH to impose a punishment she decided on during your DH's time. To me, that's something that needed to be discussed with and agreed to by your DH, not something BM should unilaterally tell your DH to do.  

futurobrillante99's picture

Despite my kids being adults, my DS22 has Autism and is very immature for his age. His father, my first ex husband, and I work well together to give him consequences. DS22 got his first job almost 2 months ago. It's been a tough transition from only ever having worked for 2-4 hours in a volunteer situation to being on his feet for an 8 hour shift. There have been bumps in the road and our son has wanted to quit - has complained about how "hard" his job is (it's not), etc.

So, his dad and I have agreed on consequences that will span both homes because DS22 would have no qualms about going to stay with the other parent if he didn't like the rules from the parent he's with. Working together has cut down on that behavior.

It just really depends on how the parents parent. My kid's dad and I were on the same page about rules and consequences. But if you are dealing with a crazy bio parent, I can't see enforcing rules or punishments I don't agree with.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I agree with NDC. Skid does something wrong at house A, goes to house B so they don't really get the full intended punishment...I would agree with punishment continuing at House A, and I probably would take into consideration that skid got to play games at house B.

I agree that it's unrealistic that the stepdad expects you to punish skid also for something that happened at their house. I mean, have I thought that, and wished it worked that way myself? Yes. But this only works when the BM and BD have a good relationship. And that's certainly not the case with us.  

Maria10's picture

I agree with the their house their rules. Our house our rules. I believe that children should be disciplined at the house where the incident happens.( The only exception is wnen lying about schoolwork the punishment carries in both bouses by mutual agreement. ( it wasnt the case here). 

Bm expects my DH to punish Ss at our house for things that happen at her house( such as him not doing dishes or cleaning up after his siblings). If DH doesent punish him at our house then she tells SS that " because your dad had fun all weekend now I have to punish you for xyz!". It is very weird imo. CO does have some stipulation about this.

elkclan's picture

I think both the kid and your DH are being 'punished' here. By stepdaddy saying that kid is being punished at theirs for an 'infraction' at yours - i.e. both kid and dad not enforcing the punishment, they are trying to influence your behaviour. I'd be livid. 

You can carry over punishments if YOU want to. But no way no how would I carry over a punishment for not doing chores at someone else's house. Their house, their problem and it ain't carrying over to MY house. 

Maria10's picture

Ss even asked that if he plays at our house if it will affect playtime at BM house. How are we supposed to know that? 

I will have to approach it with / suggest. DH to make it clear to BM that if it occurs at her house it is punished at her house. I don't know if just staying silent and adopting the above might work better.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Next time he asks you something like that you answer with the truth.

“I don’t know buddy. I am not in control of what happens in your mom’s home. When you’re with us you follow our rules. When you’re with mom you have to follow her rules.”

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM just doesn't want to be the bad buy.

BM in my life used to do this. Tell DH that one or both of the SSs were grounded from video games because of X, Y, or Z. Sometimes DH would agree, and sometimes he wouldn't.

I, and I assume DH, would get far more annoyed by what she would punish. Boys fight like brothers the day before coming to Dad's? BM grounds them. SS hasn't done his reading and math logs for two weeks so he needs to catch up? No punishment, just leaving it to DH to get SS to 300+ minutes of reading and math logs done over two days.

It's about power and being the good guy. Talking to BM likely won't do you any good, but you can explain to SS how you all believe punishment works.

Maria10's picture

I think she might be jealous. Sh has been after SS to get a good gpa for YEARS. Hasn't lifted a finger to help him with homework, studying or schoolwork. His gpa was 2.5( I think).

This year she has been sending all of his homework to our house. Hes been doing it consitently. Studying at our house. Voila! 3.5 gpa!

He is so proud of himself and his self esteem is greatly improved! Now she wants to shoot both SS and DH down bc shes a failure. 

And we will talk to SS about crime and punishment lol. It is interesting how at our house he does not have any of these behavioral problems shes punishing him for. Does his chores, is respectful asks about things he is unsure about and asks if he can play video games. Even helps his little brother and Likes it!

justmakingthebest's picture

My exH and I have had issues like this happen. IF one of us decides that we feel a punnishment will need to carry over (i.e.- got in trouble on Thursday and goes to dad on Friday) we would discuss it and come to a mutual agreement. There are no demands. Maybe they have plans or I have plans that would interfere with the "grounding". We aren't going to do something like that on the other parents time. 

It is all about communication and coparenting.

oneoffour's picture

OK whatever the punishment is at BMs house it can come to an end in 2 ways. Either SS plays v/games at Dads house and his punishment is extended at BMs house to see it out or SS can go without v/games at Dads so he can play games again sooner. At 12 he is old enough and will give him a vote in the matter. He will also have a lesson in consequences .... or very quickly learn his poker face as he tells his mother and S/Dad he did not play games at his Dads place.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

 There’s a problem with that.

How do you know BM uses the same consequence on her time and they aren’t just waiting till it’s time to go to dad’s to control dad’s time?

BM here doesn’t discipline the children herself. We’ve had her try to tell us that we can’t take the kids to the zoo on Saturday because the little one hit someone on Tuesday. What did she do about it when it happened? Nothing. It’s no different than the “wait till your dad get’s home threats”. It makes one parent the bad guy while the other is the hero rescuing them.

One parent doesn’t get to make rules for the other’s home. It’s fine if you work together but that’s not what happened here. Stepdad made a one sided decision then tried to get biodad to follow it. Too bad too sad.

tog redux's picture

Only jointly agreed upon  punishments should carry over from one house to another. That said, DH should let SS know he’s disappointed that he’s not following the rules at BM’s house so SS doesn’t see DH as the “good guy”. 

Its not stepdad’s decision whatsoever. 

twoviewpoints's picture

IMO, two households need to work together when offense is can and does affect both homes. Examples would be being kicked out of school, stealing a vehicle and in trouble with LE, areas where consistency is an absolute necessity, I can understand Futuro's stance with her adult son being a child who has to have consistent rules/guidelines and I totally agree in how she and her ex deal with that need. 

But we're talking SS didn't do the dishes at BM's here. The offense was at BM's, it's BM's rule SS must do dishes and it's BM's place to decide consequence. It has nothing to do with Dad and/or Dad's home. Whatever punishment BM hands out (IMO) needs to come from BM and remain at BM's, meaning the consequence needs to be 'served' at BM's on BM's time. 

During Dad's parenting time he shouldn't be asked to carry out BM's self chosen disciplinary over something that Dad has no control or say in. I could see something really back firing . Example, BM grounds SS from going/doing anything for two weeks, but would Dad then be expected to cancel his already booked and paid for vacation trip because the second week falls on Dad's time? Perhaps yes, when getting kicked out of school or for being in trouble with LE, but over not doing dishes at BM's? 

A high conflict and or PAS'ing  opposite parent could really play this.

I'm not saying Dad shouldn't be told of the offense of not doing dishes, sure tell him and let him know the kid could use a talking to about respecting the rules at each parent's homes whether that be BM or Dad , rules are to be followed and respect is to be shown... but telling Dad how Dad must and may not spend his parenting time with the kid is a control tactic that I just can't fly with. Kid misbehaves in your home you set the punishment per your rules and penalty is served in your home. It's still a week with out screen time whether that's three days one week while with BM and finished with four days the next time he is with BM. A week is a week, but not not necessarily a calendar week. 

Maria10's picture

When lying about not having homework for a couple of weeks and getting caught, the punishment carried over. Education is important. 

 

secret's picture

Definitely his house rules her house her rules... But punishment is meant to fit the offense, not the custody schedule... So if my kids do something at their dad's house worth one week of grounding I have no issues carrying over tje punishment at my home and vice versa... Of course, ex and I communicate about those... Because it's rare the kids do something more than a few days worth of grounding.

Going between mom amd dad's shouldn't be about getting away with something while you're elsewhere... Parents aren't competing, they're tag teaming...no different than in an intact family where one parent has to step out and the ither parent has to handle the situation.

It's not normal in an intact family for a child to be punished, mom goes to the store, and dad to say... Hey buddy just me and you now, punishment over! The fact that divirced parents refyse to maintain a consistency in the kids' lives is a bit sad... Parents are just giving ammo to the kids to continue pitting them against each other. If the kid screwed up, BOTH parents should hold the child in high enough esteem to punish them in a way that fits the crime and provides a learning experience, rather than in a way that just belittles, hurts, or messes up the relationshio between the other parent and the child.

personally, i don't think it was wrong of them to say no games during the week. No videogames was the punishment...it wasn't enforced over the weekend, it was done during the week instead. It wasn't a punishment due to how dh spent his time with ss... It was simply a punishment that was delayed. 

I don't think it was right, though, for them to try to impose a weekend of no videogames at your house... That's their business, they did it on their time... I disagree that it should have gone diwn the way it did, but I TOTALLY agree tjat dad should also be punishing ss, even if the offense didn't happen at his home. Both parents have the responsibility to make sure the kid show respect. Being apart doeant mean you parent apart... Ya know? Maybe im not explaining myself very well... But it my ex said hey the kid didnt do his chores, i told him no videogames... My question would only be how long did you say... Not... Mind your business this is my house... Because that is totally irrelevant in the situation which requires attention, which is that the kid is being disrespectful.

But seriously... That long a punishment? For not doing dishes? Heck my kid doesnt do the dishes, she gets to do them the next day too...after I make a huge messy meal... And if they give attitude...they lose their phone while they are at it... And increased attitude means increased consequences... They learned.. Just wash the 3 damn plates. Lol

Maria10's picture

He has chores at both houses. He has never gotten punished at their house for anything happening at our house. (Unless it was having fun...that is an entire different ste of issues). 

Also...Lol...DH cooks what I call " man meals" He can fill 2 sinks just making dinner. We do not have a dishwasher. SS has been cleaning up after man meals for YEARS by hand with no complaint.( maybe some whining and stalling but meh...as long as it gets done...)

secret's picture

Exactly. It's a "personal crime" - it's not school related, or anything like that... It's dishes. Treat it internally, it's an internal issue.

Now if he punched a kid on Friday, absolutely your dh should be on board for sharing punishment.

Maria10's picture

In my understanding it went more like this

Kid didnt do dishes. Stepdad ( acting in loco parentis no problem there) says you will be punished for 3 days of no video games.( Bit excessive for my taste but their house their rule).

When DH picks up for weekend he gets told " the kid is to be punished for the weekend of no videogames bc he didnt do the dishes!"( problem there BM always expects DH to punish so that she can have fun with the boy. She also has done this particular scenario a few times accros the years.)

Dh does not punish his son ( imo neither should he) Instead we do a bunch of activities( we are activity oriented) and SS watches 2hrs tops of youtube and videogames ( yes during the whole weekend). He also does all the chores asked of him at our house including doing dishes! ( He has a list of chores at our house and every weekend he does the same ones. Every so often they rotate and he gets new ones)

When picking him up .on the weekday kid asks dad if he will get punished at the other house if he plays video games at ours.( I was there- Dh pulled me in the other room to tell me this saga.)

Apparently after the weekend ss only had 2 more days of punishment( 3 total remember....) But upon hearing that DH did not punish him on his time stepdad decided to double the punishment.

Not only that -stepdad also expressed that he was going to let ss off the hook entirely for getting good grades but bc DH did not punish Ss now he doesent get to play all week even though he earned the good grades.

Thats how I understand the last 5 days.