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DH is not parentng SS12

Maria10's picture

Okay so here goes( a bit lengthy)

DH seems oblivious to SS12 manipulations. When I bring it up he makes excuses for SS12 and tells me he is a good kid.

The past few weekends and days he has been "forgetting" his bookbag(with homework) at BM house. DH gives lecture about how important homework is then does nothing but spends hundreds of dollars on the kid and lets him play videogames.

His grades are slipping. DH gives lecture but refers kid to me for privileges such as videogames.

Kid came home(BM house) with fish without asking anyone. DH bought him a fishtank after another lecture. Fish then died from improper care. Abother lecture then two more fish were bought.

Today kid forgot his bookbag again. He told us he has a math test tomorrow. Upon prodding from me we found out that this is his YEARLY math assesment and whether he moves to 8th grade depends on it. I turn to my husband who tells me. "Yeah there is nothing he can do to prepare for it. He is supposed to already know this stuff!"(regurgitating what his son told him) Ss is already whining about using the xbox.(not even 10mins in the door). I raise my eyebrow and tell my husband to go get the bookbag.(only a 12 minute round trip... Is that too close lol). Ss an dh pick up bookbag( another lecture in the car).

With the bookbag there I ask Ss from the other room if he has any old worksheets he can go over. He magically produces two very thick packets of test specific review material. Upon prodding he Forgot them for the last 2 weeks. Mhmm he lied for weeks. So he can play vidoegames.

I wish DH would take these matters more seriously and discipline his son with something other than lectures. I feel that if he does this now it can have a positive impact on SS.  I am starting to see DH as a parent I can't respect because of this.

I should add that Ss is very responsive to clear consequences and willing to learn.







thinkthrice's picture

Ye olde "my kid is a GOOOOD kid!!!  (TM)  Magically a good kid with ZERO parenting.  yeah, right. . .where have I heard THAT one before??!!!  You are giving me FLASHBACKS!!!  (shudder)

I was always told that I was "a meanie"  "a kid torturer" and "too strict"  because I believe that children should learn responsibility in preparation for adult life.  Oh what a task master I am!!   /s.

Maria10's picture

My dh is very passive and lets everything roll off.

Can be a good thing only he tends to let things roll off that he shouldn't( i also think that being laid back is an effin big excuse to have others deal with his problems so he can be the good guy...cannot prove it but an very educated guess lol)



DaizyDuke's picture

So when this kid is "forgetting" his book bag constantly..... your DH is picking him up from BM's or BM is dropping him off?  If DH is picking him up, I know he shouldn't have to, but why isn't he making sure SS has the damn thing when he gets in the car? Wouldn't it save a whole lot of drama, lecture and time? 

And how often is the kid with you??  If it's anything less than 100% really, he should NOT be bringing creatures into the home that need to be taken care of, if he's not going to be there every day to do so!  I mean what the hell is the point of all these lectures if your DH is just going to concede?? 

Lort Jesus, I don't know how you can deal with watching all this nonsense!

Maria10's picture

BM has custody. We have ss every other weekend and once(3.5 h)during the week.

I have house rules that are followed pretty well.

DH eats his sons BS with a bery big spoon. Among the things I have heard wjen i bring it up are:

20 min of homework is reasonable to do in a day(when i was in 7th grade we had mre than 1 hr per day...)

See he is doing his homework. (The 20 mins basedd on ss word without checking)

It is only 20 mins( upon completion of a short worksheet knowing that ss has test tomorrow. I pointed out that studying for tests is homework also)

The fish was a class pet ss brought to bms house without asking anyone.  He then lectured ss and when i was not home took him to get aquarium and supplies for the fish. The fish went imto the aquarium and back to bm house. Died. Then next weekend dh bought ss 2 new ones of ss choice after lecturing him.

I meet with resistance everytimw i bring it up with dh. I believe dh needs to sit down woth bm and discuss parentimg and consequences for ss.


Exjuliemccoy's picture

That's one of the biggest challenges about steplife - we have an outside, more objective perspective, but no control. We can't force our partners to parent, and doing it for them ultimately doesn't work either. So, you have to play the long game.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd have a come to Jesus dialogue with my DH. Tell him that you're worried about SS's poor performance in school, that you think he needs more oversight, etc. Remind your DH of any tools offered by the school such as grade portals and the importance of staying on top of SS's grades. Couch everything in terms of how it benefits SS, how you care about his future, etc. Don't directly criticize your DH's (lack of) parenting... 

And then inform him that no adult kids will be living with you. Make him think he thought of it. Again, couch it in terms he'll find appealing  (how romantic it will be, the things you can do as a couple, travel, whatever appeals to his lazy nature), but start making that a house policy NOW. This is so important, because  your DH (and BM) is setting his kid up for failure, which will likely impact you when SS drops out, fails to launch, and wants to continue living in your home until he's 45. And don't count on BM continuing to support Baby Schnookie after he turns 18. There are countless posts here of BMs who were happy to let their kids be failures - until the child support ended, at which time the adult kids are "sent to live with dad".