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Dh channges tune when bm changed her mind

Maria10's picture

So DH and I agreed to go by the child's scheduled visitation. 

Last night Ss14 called DH to see if he could go to an all weekend thing and he  told ss that he could only if mom switches weekends. She said no. I asked DH several times during the evening f he would change his mind under specific circumstances. He said he wouldn't that SS was going to be with us over the weekend.

Today he comes home and tells me he reached a compromise with BM and he took Monday off to spend with his son who will be attending his weekend thing after all.

I was seething as there are so MANY issues I have with this. We went thru the court mediation 3 times to establish a schedule ( her antics and his spinelessness have been going on our entire relationship) and now that we have one he continues to tap dance when bm changes her mind. 

I am still furious. 

What do you guys think? 


Monkeysee's picture

I’d let him know that if he’s going to cave to BM anyways, there’s no need to spend money on any future mediation. Just give her what she wants because he will anyways. Also, if he’s going to use up holidays to spend time with his son when BM won’t exercise flexibility (which is her right, we advise sticking to the CO all the time around here), you need to tell him you won’t let that stop you from taking your allotted vacation days as you see fit. So, if you want to go away and he doesn’t have enough time off, you go without him. There’s no need for you to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I’d be furious too. If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend disengaging. Leave DH to deal with BM and his son, you do your own thing. If he’s taking Monday off to be with the kid, don’t do any cooking, cleaning, accommodating of any kind. Don’t do any of that for SS at all. If your DH wants to be spineless, let him be spineless. I don’t see why he couldn’t let his kid go on the weekend thing & just wait to see him next visitation, or take him out to dinner/something fun during the week. The need to take a day off is excessive, and doesn’t SS have school anyways?

Justthesecondwife's picture

in order to establish a set schedule with a HCBM for skid. 2. Verbally agrees repeatedly to you he will uphold the hard fought schedule. 3. Behind your back capitulates to BM and skids desires. 4. Rescinds his vebal agreement to you. 5. Takes leave from his employment in order to accommodate skids wants, not needs. 

You wonder if you should be furious? What self respecting woman wouldn't be. You're not an accessory to help him through the tough times only to forgotten when it conveniences your DH. Typical weak husband, like we see so often on these forums (I have one myself so no judgement). They take from you when it suits them and ignore the promises and plans when it clashes with their desires. 

I would just go with the flow, do your own thing and when DH needs your help again, which lets face it they always do, just pretend you didn't hear him and go about whatever makes you happy and caused you the lease stress. I realised a while back I was the fixer in my relationship (problem solver by nature and have no problem with confrontation) and my natural instinct to fix everything for DH made it so he never had to actually stand up and do anything that may cause him discomfort. So, I stopped doing anything regarding steplife which doesn't directly benefit me. Simple as that. You let yourself be used, as I did, to help DH with his schedule issues. But that doesn't make them grateful, it make them take for granted you will always back him.

Back you self and start (if you haven't already) doing things to please yourself whenever your DH repudiates his agreements. He may hopefully learn you are not just there to lean on when he needs support but he also needs to hold up his end of the bargain.


ITB2012's picture

He did this all the time when the skids were younger. Including making plans for me but not telling me and just assuming I was available or agreed to whatever it was. There were times when the neighbors knew a plan but I didn't.

So I just started making plans for myself and my DS. If DH and the skids were available, fine, but I didn't ask. And if there were tickets involved or something, DH had to go out of his way to make it happen. Which he usually did, for the skids.

What he discovered when they got older and as they've left the house is that he set up a divided household by only planning stuff for himself/skids without me, and that's continuing. I have things to do now that I started doing back then and I'm not about to stop them. Its stuff I enjoy and mostly things he cannot participate in because, well, he wasn't there to participate before so I chose things I could do on my own.

And, yes, you have every right to be pissed. It's spineless and disrespectful.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Was this a Bm weekend thing or a school event that Bm had no control over? 

If it was something Bm scheduled, then absolutely, she should have switched weekends or it would be a No go!

justmakingthebest's picture

I feel like that if BM wouldn't give up one of her weekends then it really wasn't important. I would be one to put it back on BM (Wrong I know! But with everything we have been through I would totally do this), but I would have said "If you mom felt that it was important to go she would switch weekends with me because we both know that our relationship is very important as well. So if mom doesn't see it as important, we need to stick to the court schedule." 

ESMOD's picture

What kind of "thing" was it that would have prevented him from coming to his dad's?  was it like a two day camping trip where he was out of the house the whole time? or just an afternoon birthday party and it would be inconvenient for your DH to shuttle him?

I actually am ok with allowing kids to skip their visitation for special events.. without worrying about switching days.  As long as it's not a regular thing that it appears that EVERY dad weekend there is an issue.

If it IS an away from home event.. I can see BM not wanting to switch because in reality.. SHE isn't getting this time with the child either.. he is gone.. no matter which house he is in.  If this is the case.. she IS being accomodating to give your husband some time on Monday... 

But.. I do agree with you that him burning vacation time without talking to you about it and considering that you might prefer he do something different (maybe just have dinner with him vs missing a full day).

I mean.. in the end.. these decisions are two way streets with the skids.  They also have to make the choice whether they want to give up time seeing a parent vs doing something with their peers.  As they get older and more independent.. they may choose peers more often..I don't think parents should be twisting themselves around and wrangling visitations.   Unless the "thing" is a family vacation with the other parent.. then I feel like the kid just misses that round of time with whichever parent.  

My DH allowed his girls to decide when they got into Jr High/High school because we did live a far drive from their town.. and he wasn't driving them BACK to do things.. no way 6 hour drives for us.  But.. he did talk to them 2x a day and would pop in and get them for lunch at school on the occasonal day he was through their area as well.. so he had a constant contact with them.. no matter whether they always did the actual visitation.

Maria10's picture

She signs SS up for activities wothout talkimg to dh ( or even SS)and then expects Dh to cart SS around on hIs time for the " good of the child"(child turns 15 this year) while her weekends with him are spent doing nothing/ taking care of his siblings at home or going on overnights where he plays video games all weekends(5 minutes away). Numerous times she has called and asked/tried to tell us what to do with him during our time.

This pattern has been going since DH and I met. This is why we have a schedule. These antics are why we went to mediation in the first place.

Just to give an example of the last month. Superbowl Sunday we switched so that he could watch superbowl at the his moms.( we are not interested in sports and he has cable at his moms-superbowl party)This Weekend is an all weekend camping( an hour away and paid).  Interestingly enough none of these events are scheduled when his mom's weekend is happening.

Her response is that this is a weekend she won't have him either so she will not switch.( the reality is that she wants ss there during her weekends so that he can cook and clean and do stuff for her home business-unpaid of course  )


ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure but it doesn't sound like either of these specific instances were things that intentionally would be planned by her to fall on his weekend.. more that they "happened to".  

I mean.. I'm sure there are other things that might fit that characterization.. but if he has a school group camping trip. .this weekend.. this is not likely something she planned the date to be on his time.  

I know that when my SD's got into Jr high/HS.. their scheduled and wanting to do things with friends vs us was a lot more.  it was just natural I think

Maria10's picture

I would have no problem if he had school things during our time. But she pays for activities that are not school related and not agreed upon and then expects him to attend these when she schedules them during dh parenting time.

My problem is not her( i cannot control what stupid stuff she may come up with next)

My problem is Dh response of rolling over everytime she " compromises"  as if the sun was shining out of her behind bc she gave an inch when he is already so overextended. 

ESMOD's picture

look.. I know you hate thinking she is "winning".. but if this camping thing is for a group of kids he hangs with.. or due to another extracuricular group he belongs to.. I'm quite sure HE wants to go on this trip.  

The older kids get.. the more things they want to do on their off time.. trips with friends and other activities.. your DH can "force" him to come to visitation.. but he does look like the bad guy if he does.

In your DH's position.. I would let his kid go on a trip like that.  I think you may be blurring what his son wants and what his mom wants a little bit.  


tog redux's picture

If he wants to go camping, let him go camping. It's really easy to get caught up in "my weekend your weekend" and not "it's SS's weekend" and if he wants to go camping, let him.  Did BM manipulate him into it? Maybe, but if you go in saying he can't go camping because it's YOUR weekend, them DH just ends up looking like the meanie. 

Just means you have a free weekend, that's all. Enjoy.

Harry's picture

Do not spend any Monty on medication of any schedual.  BM is doing what she wants and DH is rolling over all the time, he taking a Monday off to be a nice guy, or father.  Make sure DH takes a day off to fo do something  with You alone .  If he has time to burn for this nonsense.