SD15 Rules the Roost apparently
My DH gets an email this morning from BM telling him that SD15 will not be coming to him for his time of custody this weekend because BM's stepdaughter is coming to visit and SD15 wants to see her. If my husband doesn't see his daughter this weekend it will be 4 weeks since he last saw her. She is supposed to come every Thursday and every other weekend and has already decided Thursday overnights should stop because it is too difficult for her to have everything she needs for school on Fridays. She goes to a college prep school and was getting in trouble for being out of uniform and missing items because she would forget things and BM would not bring them to school for her. She continued to stay with mom all week, even when school let out. Now BM is going to ask mh DH to give up more time.
Of course my husband is hurt by this and isn't able to tell if SD15 really wants to see her step sister or these are BM's wishes. BM is very manipulative with SD15 so it's impossible to get to the truth. DH is ready to throw up his hands and stop seeing SD15 if BM is going to encourage her to not see her dad, and SD15 isn't able to speak up and say she wants to come. This is my DH's only child and he has fought hard to stay in his daughter's life and I support that. It's just hard to plan anything when SD15 or BM can change things at the drop of a hat. Trust me life would be easier and cheaper for me if SD15 wasn't around but I'm trying to be there for my husband. DH has said to me that he is considering making some changes if SD15 doesn't show up this weekend. He said he is considering telling SD15 that she can come back to our house when she will abide by custody time that has been the norm since she was 2 years old, until then, she should stay with BM. I'm glad he is talking about doing something but don't know if this is the right way to go.
She's 15. Let her go. That
She's 15. Let her go. That also means that what she got when she came over goes away. Logical consequences for not coming over. Don't chase her. That puts her in the position to play her parents against each other.
Teen girls are a nightmare. They need to know there are strong people in their lives, even if they profess to not like it.
Follow DH's lead on this. Don't try to change his mind on his strategy with her. It just causes more marital problems in the long run. He's the parent to her so follow his lead and make your home one fulll of love and peace.
Agreed, going through this
Agreed, going through this with SD14. DH has realized that if he asks/pleads/begs she and BM "win" - but she also doesn't get anything from him. In fact, we are in the middle of re-doing her room to more neutral colors. And be sure to discuss with your DH what happens when she comes back (if she does). Will he be so happy he does everything for her and says "yes" to all her wishes?
Take it slow with your DH, don't be happy around him, talk very matter of fact. SD14 has been gone from our home since April with no contact but for a stupid 'graduation' encounter. It took him several months to come to his revelation that he cannot change it or her. He's also in personal counseling which has helped. I've got a long string going in the Teenage forums if you want some history and examples.
Time for DH to file a
Time for DH to file a contempt motion against BM for failing to surrender the SKid for his visitation.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Each time SD fails to visit on schedule.. BM gets smacked with a contempt motion. Eventually BM will get the message and will make damned sure SD gets her ass to dad's house.
Add cutting off any direct support of SD until she gets her ass to dad's on schedule for an extended chain of visits. BM gets CS but SD gets squat for nothin directly.
Contempt
Trust me I would love to be able to do this but it has been a long,expensive batte thus far. BM is very wealthy because of her current husband and she has great lawyers. DH pays child support but BM in no way needs it. There is no way to put financial pressure on them at all. Lawyers just cost us money we don't have. Plus a lot of heartache.
Maybe the social pressue of
Maybe the social pressue of the public record of multiple contempt motions filings will have an impact. BM's DH may be wealthy but he also likely would not appreciate his wife's disdain for the CO to drag his name through the mud.
It may be worth a try.
That's something I hadn't
That's something I hadn't thought about.
Living this now
It's been about a month since SO has seen SS. He's now chasing after him with unanswered texts and emails to call him, doesn't get that he is playing right into what SS and the Coven want. I'm trying to be supportive without becoming involved. I'm not offering opinions only exploring what might happen if SO takes a certain course of action. I'm also strongly encouraging counseling. Now we are in the "let's take it out on everyone else phase" - not going to work, long discussion coming up this weekend. Hang in there, this can be a very difficult time. BM's don't think how they are crippling their kids ability to have a healty relationship with their other parent, it's all about winning to them. IMO BM didn't win herself a prize at all. Been trying to think how I will handle this when SS comes around again (which he will when he wants something) and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't say any of the things circling in my brain. Good Luck.
Hard times
We have had a couple of experience with her causing drama while we are on our family vacation. It's that time of year again and I'm finding myself worrying that SD15 will ruin my vacation. Many would say just don't go but I have worked all year for my time off and want to spend time with my family. I have been in SD15s life since she was 2 and I miss the relationship we used to have also. I am really hoping this is teenage angst and not a permanent situation. I have invested years of my life trying to be the best stepmom I can be, trying to think of how she feels, trying to influence her in positive ways. I've done this because overall this has been a great kid. BM has been a nightmare but it has been obvious that SD15 values her relationship with DH and with me until recently. I don't want to disengage completely but I have to give my self some distance to preserve my own mental health.