LIfe and Times with Autistic Stepson--the Good, the Bad, and the BMugly

Picked up SS13 from school 2p. Had a nice chat with his teacher, got the latest details. Took a pic of them together. Chatted with him on the way home. This one is a real challenge because he has language difficulties and it's taken me half the school year to come up with a formula that is reasonable -- makes him grow, but doesn't overwhelm him. I think I've got it down now.

Parked a few blocks from home. Started to fuss but I just kept things moving. We soon found a pine cone and he kicked it all the way home. My heart was bursting as I watched him act like Huckleberry Finn instead of like earplug/e-screen Zombie Boy. As I settled into the house, putting my purse away etc. I found him on his bed reading a comic book. I let it be. Later he called me into his room and reported he had done some reading, told me which sections, and told me plot points (we've been working on comprehension as the school asked us to). Thought I would die from happiness! Praised him for using initiative.

He asked to play a board game. Another die of happiness moment for ChiefGrownup. Haven't got him interested in those in all 3 years. But he was trying to find ways of negotiating away from doing his chapter reading and he was finally learning to initiate these negotiations without whining or demanding video games. Bliss. Chess was awesome. He won. **wink**

Finally, time for chapter reading. He did all 3 chapters. I got up to refill my glass of water and was going to let him have the rest of the afternoon off but I found he was still in the same spot, starting on his usual comprehension writing exercise! Of course, I ran with it, so excited! Then I handed him the laptop, open to dictionary.com. I was going to have him look up "initiative" but instead he eagerly typed in "metaphor." It was a word from the chapter book that he'd resisted reading! SO. FREAKIN'. BLISSED. OUT!!! After that, I still had him do "initiative." Which he was happy to do.

We got up and did our celebratory dances. Finally, nearly a quarter after 5p, he headed off to his room for an e-screen. I could not wait to tell dad every little detail.

His typical afternoon at BM's: 40 minute bus ride home, earplugs in, game device in hand. Hug mom. Enter filthy chaotic apt. Apply headphones. Sit in chair with e-screen of some kind and bag of potato chips in hand. Eat dinner at 5. More e-screen until bedtime 8pm. No bath, no teeth brushing.

Tale of a Trajectory:

* When I met dh, he was worried SSthen10 would flunk 4th grade just as he had flunked 3rd grade. BM, who had school days custody, did not even show up at the IEP meeting. DH went alone. Was told ss would never flunk again simply because of the social factor -- they could not have old teens in elementary schools. SS had never had a birthday party nor a playdate. In. His. Life.

* 5th grade. DH and I now engaged. BM invites me to IEP. We all 3 show up. I ask the teacher for names of any parents who might be open to receiving a social call from us. Get the list 1 week later. I start making phone calls and soon have a playdate set up. Receive several unhappy calls from school during the year. Teacher starts begging US to take full custody of ss. At the IEP meeting the entire staff tried to impress on BM the importance of reading every day and doing homework. Heard her make excuses for why it couldn't be done or claim she was doing it.

* 6th grade. In light of last spring's IEP, DH gets BM to agree to let us take ss one school afternoon a week. We hold ss's first ever birthday party. Smashing success. He is getting regular play dates and party invitations by now. 2nd semester we now get him 2 school afternoons and the overnight in between. Now ss is nominated to elementary school Honor Roll and ceremony!

To recap:

BM total school custody--Flunk.

Dad & CGU 1-2 days a week--Honor Roll!!!

Extra Credit: Let's not forget the great Ringworm Caper of 6th Grade. We scrub him inside and out on our school days and send him in nice outfits and all squeaky clean!

**Dad also has EVERY weekend and one other school evening a week with both kids

It is so joyful seeing the child grow and develop, I am almost busting the buttons off my blouse. Can't for the life of me grok how BM intentionally misses out on this happy, bursting feeling.

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Thanks. It was such a

Thanks. It was such a glorious feeling, such a stark contrast from the beginning of the school year, my first school afternoon alone with him when he was defiant, whining, running away.

You are right. She's "done" with her part. She will always feel empty inside because she does absolutely nothing to achieve any fulfillment. She ticks off boxes and tunes out.

The first year SO and I

The first year SO and I started dating SS was in kindergarten. During the PTC that all three of us went too, the teacher said that if SS didn't learn to read, he probably won't pass first grade. She also talked about how far behind he was writing letters and he couldn't cut paper. That week I bought a subscription to an online study website for kids, got that large paper for little kids to write on and signed up for a book club. BM did nothing.

SS learned to read that summer and greatly increased his motor skills.

SS is in 3rd grade this year and guess who is the only one going to PTC's...ME!

"Can't for the life of me grok how BM intentionally misses out on this happy, bursting feeling"

I feel the same way. I have told SO many times how I can't believe how many memories with these kids she is handing over to me without caring.

Same exact thing, alright:

Same exact thing, alright: "memories with these kids she is handing over to me without caring."

Sorry your dh doesn't even go to the PTCs. But good on you for getting right on that reading and motor skills and all of that. It's actually not that hard, is it? So odd the BM acts like it is inscrutable Quantum Physics.

I'm off work every other

I'm off work every other Friday and I pick Skids up from school these days. Pretty easy for me to speak with the teachers while I'm there. We did have a conference with SS's teacher, principal and guidance counselor this year and SO went but BM never showed up.

Anything that takes away from her drinking and man chasing is not even on BM's radar.

Last year SD told me that a girl on her bus received a "D" on her report card and her parents didn't do anything about it. I said to SD, "You got an "F", what did your mom do? SD - Oh, yeah. Nothing. (said in a sad voice)

Yes, showing up at school

Yes, showing up at school does wonders.

SD15 does that about mocking other kids for failures she is doing even worse at. Sadly, dh rarely calls her out on it. I mostly don't either because basically she and I don't speak. So, whatevs, sd.

*

Don't worry, she will be sure

Don't worry, she will be sure to show up beaming at award ceremonies and to take pictures for FB to share with the world what a great job SHE did as a mother to have such a successful son. Just watch. :sick:

Just watch? I already did!

Just watch? I already did! At the Honor Roll night when he was given a certificate and went through a sort of mock graduation ceremony she was MOTY, doncha know!

She doesn't know the teachers. Meets them once a year. Has never met the aide that spends all day with ss. Had no one to talk to at the celebration except us. But MOTY! You're so right!

I know the feeling. My skids

I know the feeling. My skids BM never even helped with one project for her kids. Not even one. I was the one helping with homework. With studying. Everything. But to see her brag you'd think she had custody and did it all, walking through fire on a floor of razors!

Ha ha! Walking thru fire and

Ha ha! Walking thru fire and razors! Too funny, exactly the attitude of our BM. The other funny thing is I've learned from DH to go ahead and let her take credit. Once she does, she's sort of semi-committed to at least not being obstructionist in meeting the same goal again. Who cares, we get all the joy!

My BS is autistic, and I am

My BS is autistic, and I am BLESSED that his stepmom helps him out with homework on the nights I don't have him here with me. He is doing a great job in school because we all work as a team. You may not ever get a thank you from BM.....but I bet she appreciates the heck out of you. Sometimes our kiddos with autism don't listen to mom as much as teachers or SM, and they can play on our guilt and emotions and can "get away" with a lot more from mom.....I know, I am guilty. But YOU are a gem. Way to go!

Well, thank you very much!

Well, thank you very much! That is very nice to hear and I'd probably rather hear it from you than her anyway.

I get the a bit of distance helps thing about the behavior but I'm sure you're moving heaven and earth to guide and train your son. Our bm isn't even trying.

Your kid's SM is also blessed to have YOU.