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Vacation from the monster

LosingHerShit's picture

My Dh is out of town for the next month for work. He'll be home before Christmas. I didn't realize how much stress my ss3 and sd2 put on me until he was leaving. I was very sad because I love Dh so much, but on the other hand I'm fucking ecstatic because i don't have to be terrorized by his toddlers for A MONTH!!!

       I know, I know, I'm so lucky! Anyway my sd for the most part is just awesome, she's very well behaved and only throws an occasional tantrum as kids her age will, but my ss3 is a Nightmare!!! This kid throws more tantrums than any other kid I've seen in my life. Hitting, screaming, breaking things. And it's all over the word No, which is normal at his age, but I dont think the amount of temper tantrums that he has is normal. He's very aggressive and wants to argue about everything, but Dh let's him do whatever he wants and he's the boss.

        Recently at daycare he got in trouble because he was holding another kid up against the wall by their throat....he is 3. Another day he was throwing a tantrum and the daycare worker was trying to calm down, he looked at her and kicked her square in the face. And my Dh wants me to constantly be around and playing "mommy" when this monster is over. I just want to run away! But for the next month I am safe and in fucking HEAVEN!

        We've been exchanging letter for about a week and I told him that I will no longer be watching princess and monster when he is not home, due to my own sanity. Next letter plan is for him to spend some one on one time with his children. He will put if I just want to go to the grocery store without him and his kids. Or he will want me to take his toddlers with me!!! Uuuuummmmmm NO!

        Have any of you had problems getting Dh to let you get away while he actually hangs out with his kids? How did you bring it up?

Comments

Chmmy's picture

I use the phrase "your kids need alone time with you". How can he argue with that? I also have alone time with my bios

LosingHerShit's picture

I have tried that, but he thinks we should just all be a big happy family all the time, but even normal families don't do absolutely everything together *sigh* I just wish that I could talk to him about it without him getting defensive or angry.

tog redux's picture

Truth is, he doesn't want to parent his kids, because they are too much for him, too.  But too bad, he created them, he can learn to parent them.  He was hoping he found a woman who would do that for him, but I hope you will stick to your guns.  If he's going to non-parent, he can deal with the consequences.

LosingHerShit's picture

I definitely plan on sticking to my plans. I can't be a good wife or a good mother to our child if I'm not happy. He was a really good dad to them, but BM took the kids away and he didn't have contact for 4 months, now he just let's them do whatever, no consequences. 

P.s. his son was still a monster before the no contact lol

Iamwoman's picture

It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to parent his kids by himself.

Unfortunately for him, that is what he signed up for when he had children. He had no idea if the kids’ mom would be around or not. Things happen. Relationships fail. People die. When he chose to have kids, he chose to be a father.

You, on the other hand, didn’t make that choice. You chose to marry your DH. He just happened to have kids. Some people happen to have dogs. Some people happen to have gardens. These are also things that require constant monitoring and responsibility when we choose to have them. If he had a garden when you married him, would he think it’s fair to expect you to take care of his garden for him? I think not.

You just need to start planning things with your friends when his kids are around. Just be gone sometimes.

Also, if one of them comes to you for something, tell them to go ask dad. Put his responsibility back on him where it belongs.

If he gets angry or defensive, use his own behavior against him as a reason to leave the house by yourself. “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me / treating me / holding me to unreasonable expectations right now. I am going out to xyz (movie, shopping, beach, hike, whatever) right now, and will be back when we are both calm enough to discuss this rationally.”

If his response is “What about the kids?”

You: “Like I said, I need to cool down. We can discuss YOUR children when we are both able to do so without anger and defensiveness. I love you. See you later.”

tog redux's picture

I like the garden analogy. Too often, women think the man's kids are now her responsibility too, but NO. DH doesn't care for my dog that I brought into the marriage.  I walk her, groom her, take her to the vet - he might feed her if I'm not home or play with her, but the care is mine.

Why do people see it differently when it's children the other person brings into the home?

Step-girlfriend's picture

"Sorry DH, if I don't get some time away I'm going to start becoming resentful, and that's not good for anyone. I need space and you need one-on-one time with your kids". My SO doesn't care at all if I go do things on my own when we have skids.

Take 2 toddlers that aren't even yours to the store with you...ha! Balls of steel, your DH has.

SM12's picture

Early on my DH tried to push me and his kids to be a happy family.  He expected me to watch them while he was at work on his weekends.   Long story short...it caused a huge rift.  I resented him and the SSs because I hated being stuck with them.  And the SSs hated me because they didn’t want to be stuck with me...they wanted their dad.    I tried to explain this to DH but he was only concerned about. It making BM mad.   So it wasn’t until OSS stopped coming that he started to see what he was doing.  Sadly two of my three SSs never got past this and now have no relationship with DH.   Your SO needs to step up and parent his own kids.

LosingHerShit's picture

It's really nice getting advice from so many other people that have been in my position, I used to think that his expectations of me were normal and there was something wrong with me for getting a crushing anxiety days before the skids would come that would last until they left. It's so good to see that I'm not in the wrong.

The.Sane.One's picture

Age 3 is the nightmare age for all children. Your SD will go through it as well. They are all sweet and cute at 2 and then BAM, 3 hits you like a CAT 5 hurricane. Age 3 is the reason I only have 2 bios. 

Anyway, toddlers are so much work. I had two all by myself for months on end. It takes a lot of effort to parent two of them. I would nope right on out of that house and sit in my car in the Target parking lot people watching all day if that’s all I could think up to do. 

It will be worse when he gets back and the kids are out of the routine of your home. That’s just how it goes at that age. Perhaps you need a weekend away when that happens? 

Chmmy's picture

Yes. 3 was the worst for both of my boys and at 4 turned to angels.

I taught preschool and its the opposite. The 3 yr olds were sweeties at school and the 4 year olds start being naughty, catty and clique-ish.

LosingHerShit's picture

I've dealt with toddler tantrums a lot in my life, but have never experienced it like this before. It's worse than other kids because he is allowed to act this way. I would say no less than 7 tantrums per day, screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting, kicking, throwing things. I have never had to deal with such an out of control child in my life.