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Skids for Christmas and New Years

LosingHerShit's picture

So my DH gets home on the 23rd of December around 7pm. Of course we'll be getting monster and princess the next day because he hasn't seen them in a while. He agreed to take them for 8 days and didn't tell me. Now I understand that it's been a while and he wants to see them, but I can't stand the way that he doesn't talk to me about anything!! We were supposed to go out and get a motel room for new years eve (no kids) and spend a nice night in the quiet together and now we'll have skids instead.

     Then when I yelled at him for basically never talking to me as his partner he said it's no big deal and that he would find a baby sitter and we could still to a motel room. I don't want to though, the whole point is for relaxing time together, how am I supposed to "relax" when I know we're gonna have to rush out of the motel, rush home, and then hang out with the skids?? *shudder* Doesn't sound like my idea of a good time.

     I talk to DH about any and all plans because we're supposed to be a team, but I guess he doesn't feel the same way? I need to talk to him and he gets to do whatever he wants? I've literally had BM show up at my house to drop the skids off on her time, not only did DH not ask me if I would watch them, but he didn't even call to tell me... and if we have plans on BMs weekend, he'll cancel them everytime she wants to get rid of the skids, or put us through the stress and money loss of finding babysitters on HER weekend, sometimes weekdays as well. But he NEVER tells her no, and doesn't talk to me.

      We got into a big fight about the motel and him never talking to me. I told him don't call me. I need some serious space to think about this mess I'm in because we had a daughter together, but I don't want to live my life like this.. Sad


dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Maybe it's time for your DH to begin parenting his kids alone?

For instance - BM shows up without your knowledge or consent. Simply ask her to wait a moment as you did not have any knowledge of their visit. Then get your DH on the phone and ask if he is coming home to be with skids. If the answer is no simply go back to the door and say that DH is busy at work and cannot accommodate. Then shut the door.

As for New Years. Get that hotel room - then stay when he has to rush home!

The jist of this is - skids have parents. You are your DH's partner. That doesn't relate to you being skids parent too. And at no time should you be treated as such.

If they need a sitter - you choose to be the sitter. It is not expected. Not demanded. And definitely not dropped into your lap.

At this point you have to clearly explain your boundaries with your DH. And they need to be respected. 

Harry's picture

And don’t rush home the next day,  first you are getting up late, then, then,  go for a nice breakfast. Take you time. Then start Packing Start going home.  A stop on the way for lunch and a movie.  Or movie and lunch. 

simifan's picture

I agree make him stick to the plans. The New year's Day have a spa day at the hotel and he can rush home and deal with this spawn

SMto2's picture

forgiveness than permission! He knows the issues you've had with SKs, and it sounds like he didn't want to give you the chance to object! I'm assuming you don't have a set visitation schedule due to your DH's work schedule?  I can see your DH's perspective, too, that he won't have seen his kids in a little over a month, so he jumped at the chance to have a solid week with them. However, having had SKs who were toddlers (3 and 5 when DH and I got together) I can relate to how a week can seem like an eternity, especially if your DH does not pull his fair share. To my DH's credit, he was willing to and did do almost ALL of SKs' care (bathing, dressing, playing with them, etc.) 100% of the time. I just prepared meals--and he did dishes, as he always has. About NYE, is there a grandparent or someone else close to them you trust who can keep the SKs overnight? If so, that would definitely be an option I'd exercise. However, being so young, they couldn't stay with just anyone, obviously. IM experience, kids at that age tend to wake up in the middle of the night wanting "mommy" and/or "daddy," and it would be scary for them to have someone they barely know there. It could end up with you getting a call to come home just as the ball is dropping! If there is someone who can keep them, I'd definitely still go have the night out. 

I hope you and your DH can get on the same page. Having been a SM for almost 20 years now, I know how hard it can be sometimes. It feels like we're always being asked to sacrifice and getting the short end of the stick while feeling  like the bad guy for wanting time for ourselves. I hope you and your DH can find a way to work through this.

Chmmy's picture

You're right about the overnight. The anxiety will ruin your time. Do you have anywhere fun to go? Without DH of course. We have the skids at least 6 nights a week. BM should have them 10 nights per month but chooses not to. She takes them about 2-3 days per month not even always overnight and she never takes SD16 as SD wont go. She'd rather stay here and yell at her dad about her life. I decided to take a vacation for Christmas to ensure an anxiety-free holiday since the week leading up to Thanksgiving was a debauchery/miserable. Im very happy with my choice and DH just had to accept it.

If you can find a family event/girlfriend night, I'd suggest enjoying yourself a skid free night.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H has no consideration for you and you have to set boundaries NOW. Not sure why he feels he can do things without having a conversation with you 1st but it's time to end this and let him know that its not going down like that anymore. He'll keep allowing BM to drop these kids off whenever and if you continue to bend he will keep taking advantage. Make him parent his children and you take care of yours. If he doesn't like it he can find someone else to babysit his kids because right now this is what he's treating you like.....and at least with a sitter they get a heads up.