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Bio mom sabotage?

LosingHerShit's picture

   So my disengagement is going well....so far. Anyway I wanted to ask advice on bio mom behaviors. For fathers day of 2018 bio mom dropped skids off with a homemade fathers day card (from her, no kids present on card) and said it's tradition.....?? Oldest kid when I started dating DH was not even 2 yet.... how much of a tradition is it really??!

    So for DH birthday she gave him a painting the kids made, I'm not talking a piece of paper, it was a fucking billboard from the dollar store, painting was cute, but then she wrote ALL OVER IT!!! "Happy birthday Daddy! Love your babies!" And then write their names.... as if I would ever hang this monstrosity in my house! The kids painting, awesome....her writing all over it....not. How would you take this?

     Christmas we have a place to see Santa and an elf store, no adults go in the elf store and kids can buy for who they want, most things cost fifty cents. DH gets a present from the elf store from his son, it's a chalkboard with carved wood around it, completely appropriate and cute. Not appropriate is bio mom gets DH a gift and when he goes outside to get the kids on Christmas Eve night, she tries to get him to open it outside so she can see if he likes it!!!! WHAAAAAAAT??!?!?!?! He refused and brought it inside... I'm glad he did, but he should have said "I appreciate the thought, but this is inappropriate " and gave it back.

    He wants to re-gift it rather than give it back! I want him to give it back to her! He wants me to put her in her place, I want HIM to put her in her place, otherwise I feel like she will continue this behavior just to get under my skin! If you have any experience in this situation, please share your mighty wisdom with me because I am close to just smashing this womans face in and saying "FUCK IT ALL!!!"

Other than that disengagement is going great, DH hates it but I'm not a pushover and refuse to budge!

Comments

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

How old are your skids?

twoviewpoints's picture

The man has children ages 3 and 2 from his past relationship and a 7mo old from his current relationship. 

It's not totally surprising the BM would sign a painting and/or card for children who perhaps can barely hold a pencil. 

Also not completely surprising to me a young mother just being dumped with two very small children would remind her ex that he also has two additional children and he is very much their Daddy too. 

As to the man wanting to have the two woman fight over him , or as OP states 'put her in her place' , IMO it's time for him to man up and deal with his own problems and stop asking his women to do it for him.  If his ex is being inappropriate, it's his role to tell BM so and to set the boundaries. 

If he's old enough and responsible enough to make babies every year, he should be able to handle the mothers on his own. 

 

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Was BM still pregnant with the younger skid when OP started dating DH?

LosingHerShit's picture

Honestly I don't think their age makes it any more appropriate, she's making it clear that the gifts are from her. Also she wasn't "dumped" with the kids, she begged for the kids because her chances of having kids significantly go down after the age of 25, so she begged for the first, begged to have another right after and then decided she didn't want to be with DH anymore and they had an amicable breakup. And no she wasn't pregnant when we were dating, SD was 9 months old.

Aunt Agatha's picture

The crazy pants BM tried this type of nonsense over here too.  I think it’s chapter 3 of the Crazy BM handbook.

My SO and I got to the point where we laughed about the gift giving nonsense, thanked the kids then let the stuff clearly from BM just disappear.  The cute things clearly from the kids we kept.

She did keep it up for a year or two.  But with no reaction from us, and no reciprocal gifts and certainly no thank you from my SO, I think she got fed up with spending her money.

Ignore your BMs behaviour, learn to find it funny to save your sanity, and like all attention seeking behaviour it will stop.

But show it gets to you or your SO in any way and she’ll continue it because you’ll be rewarding her with what she wants: proof she is still relevant in your SOs life.  After all, even negative responses still gives her the attention she wants.

Hang in there!

 

tog redux's picture

Sounds like BM is still carrying a torch for DH. Did he leave her? How long have they been divorced?

He should ignore it as much as possible, maybe it will extinguish itself. If not he may have to set a limit but I wouldn’t rush to that. Trust me, you don’t want BM’s hatred any more than you want this type of behavior.

All you can do is not be insecure about it. Just find it funny and sad rather than threatening.

Survivingstephell's picture

This is his baggage to carry and manage, not yours.  Its is not your responsibility to put her in her place, its HIS.  Think of it this way, if it weren't for him, BM would NOT be in your life.  

She is still attatched and is trying these things to stay relevant in his eyes.  They are moves from a desperate woman.    

You need to figure out how find the reassurance that HE has your back and that your marriage is first and foremost in his mind,  the fact that HE entertains her nonsense is the root of your anger.  Get him to understand that, and to show you that he on board and I bet your anger softens and you can watch her attempts as comedy.  He should be willing to see your side and not put the job on you to deal with her.  

My DH sent BM an email calling her out on her games, why she's doing them, (our case was PAS) and telling flat out that he left her, not the skids.  She must have read it as the drama died down and seeing it in black and white with her own eyes that he was through with her made a change.  Now she runs from him!  LOL  Long time coming and the last skid aged out in June.  No more needed reason to talk.  

If and when he puts her on notice, she will escalate until she understands he means it.  Would you want more of this nonsense?  Is this enough to handle as it is?  

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

This is common with HCBMs. 

"He wants me to put her in her place, I want HIM to put her in her place"

You are right. HE needs to stop this behavior.

When it happened with us my SO put HCBM on notice. He simply said 'Please do not buy me gifts. If skids want to pick something out for me they can ask Dys and she will help facilitate that.'

The first time she did it after that conversation he handed the gift back and said again 'Please stop. I already talked with skids and told them they can shop with Dys if they like.'

And the last time when she tried to sneak the gift into the car he said 'Enough! I already asked you politely to stop' then turned to skids (because of course they were in the car as I am sure she thought he wouldn't say anything with them in earshot) and said 'If you want to get me a gift ask Dys and she will take you'. Then he drove off.

Angry texts came in immediately after that went ignored. But he never got another gift again Smile

 

I do want to add...

This didn't happen because my SO recognized it was inappropriate. I have said before, many times, men are not that smart. I actually had to point out, forcefully, that it was wrong. And when he still didn't get it, I decided to announce that I was buying cute neighbor a gift. Ding ding ding light bulb moment! (after angry outburst while I giggled and asked isn't it the same thing?). SCORE! 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Your DH is the one who needs to set boundaries with the ex, not you.  If you try to say or doing anything that's just going to up the ante for her.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I agree your SO needs to muzzle his ex. It is COMPLETELY inappropriate what she is doing!

Did your SO dump her?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Why are you giving her so much power? BD is with you, not her. Yeah what she is doing is tacky and possibly manipulative but it doesn’t have to impact you so much.You’re letting it. It's like you’re trying to mark you're territory and BD acting civil for the benefit of the children isn’t acceptable to YOU.  

Your SO did perfectly well. He accepted the gift politely then removed himself from the situation. If the kids are so young then they won’t remember and he can trash it right away or hide it away somewhere for a while. If he likes it then he can keep it and put it somewhere safe.

You’re not disengaged if you’re allowing her interactions to impact you so much. Either you trust him and his judgment and want peace in your home or you’re looking for something to fight about. It seems as if it's the second and maybe your SO is also looking for the fight because he enjoys the conflict. In the end neither is appropriate for the children. They don't need all out warfare and BM's behavior can be managed by controling YOUR actions not trying to control hers.

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll would like to text DH happy birthday and happy new year, and merry christmas, early mornings during our "cuddle time", and would give him cards, etc. She also liked sharing the intimate details of her sex life and dating life with DH. I told him, thats inappropriate, please tell her you are not interesed its not your business. She would text him what he called "zingers" and what I call sexually suggestive comments, and I told him "hey tell her that kind of chit is inappropriate!!!" She thought it was cute and funny, and told him "well good thing my boyfriend isnt jealous, like CLove!!!" Like I could be jealous of that malicious trashy cow, but anyway, he just said that it was disrespectful to his partner, and please stop.

She did.

Toxic Troll, just last year after tax return money came in, asked him if she could borrow his truck to haul furniture and could he also measure her apartment to see if her planned purchases would fit. I asked him to tell her no. He called her and said that "CLove is not happy with him helping her in that way". She said a snotty "fine" and hung up. 

Its all about setting boundaries. DH threw me under the bus using me as a reason, instead of just saying no without giving reason, but at least she now knows where some boundaries are, that are not to be crossed. He has since sold his truck, and now no one asks to borrow a vehicle for hauling purposes.

This all happened when he and I were living together as partners, and now we are married. She no longer has a boyfriend, has been dating and is pretty much out of our lives. The day we eloped, Toxic Troll did manage to text him things like "hope your third time is the charm for you!" Because they were married at city hall and then a public ceremony in front of family.

I know I am not his first, but I am his last and his BEST. You are his last and his best, just remember that. BMs, when they are toxic, will always try to stay relevant and always try to get in there. Dont let her know she has rattled you. Sounds like you have a rough road ahead.

What were the circumstances of their separation/divorce? Toxic Troll cheated on DH, and lied, and was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think all desperate BMs bring that up. The best way to counter that is to get some embarrassing detail about BM, private stuff, and drop into a conversation with her.  Such a sound way to let BM know that HER EX  is spilling the beans about her to someone else and that it really is over.  

BMs who do this think they are having "private secrets" with him.  Take that away asap IMO.   Its also fun !  

Notup4it's picture

It sounds like he likes the attention, and it sounds like he wants you two fighting over him. Why do YOU have to put her in her place?! Ya, don’t do that. 

She has very young kids with him, and it is very soon after- she most likely isn’t over it, and it sounds so soon that most likely he isn’t really either? Not meaning that he is going to end things with you to run over there, but having a kid is emotional and everything obviously happened quickly.... it would pretty much be impossible to be fully past it all.

i would just wait it out, give it some more time and stay neutral. No point in starting a big war with her... you 2 will have to deal with one another for a long time to come. Being neutral is easiest for you.

i would more so keep a close eye on him, it seems like he makes erratic decisions, and evades consequences and taking responsibility on some level (ie, asking you to put her in her place).

 

LosingHerShit's picture

The worst was when she invited him over to talk about SS bad behavior, but when he got there, all she wanted to talk about was her life and her boyfriend and basically hung out with him like they were friends... of course I was not invited to this "meeting" once he realized he was tricked over there he left and came home. Shes just a worthless b&*#@. She didn't want DH, not until he found someone new anyway...

Nick79's picture

Here is the thing. A lot of times we blame them bio mom and forget about the bio dad. If bio keeps allowing bullshit you will be waddling in it for yrs. Also watch how he handles things, maybe you some day. I watched how my ex handled his kids and the bio moms and kid you not he tried that same bullshit on me. I was like NOT! When he asked later why I was so harsh basically why I wasn't a pushover like his other bms I told him, " I already made a mistake having a kid with a dude who had 3 different kids with different moms. I sure as hell was going to make sure you remembered me!"