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Progress and Demands

LosingHerShit's picture

     So Dh finally received my letter in regards to putting my foot down in being stuck with BMs kid dumping. He told me that he will tell her that we will no longer be taking monster and princess when it is not our days!!! I feel like a weight has been lifted!! He also said he will no longer leave me with all the kids by myself because I am not his babysitter!!! But that he wants me to "feel" like a stepmother? I could literally scream with happiness and only wish I had the balls to have made my demands sooner! Following is my response I wrote to him. Do you guys think it's acceptable? Did I leave anything out? I patted myself using the Brady bunch comment someone put on my previous blog lol

"DH, I really appreciate your answer to my letter. It definitely puts more perspective on how you handle things and makes me more comfortable to be able to talk to you about it. I do feel like a stepmother. The problem is that I felt like I was being pushed out of the stepmother role into an actual mother role.

    I'm supposed to support your parenting of your kids. I'm supposed to help out and be there for you, but I think I got overwhelmed when too much was expected. Before when I changed sd2 diaper you were grateful for the help, then all of a sudden it changed to be completely my job, but it shouldn't have because YOU are their parent in the house.

     I feel like all of a sudden I was expected to do everything the BM does, but baby it's NOT my job to do all of that. BM is their mother and they don't need a replacement for her, she is actively in their lives.

     We just need to set some boundaries. I will help you and support you all that I can, but when you come home if sd2 is still in diapers, you WILL be changing diapers. If sd2 is potty training, you WILL be taking her to the potty and wiping her butt!

     YOU are their father and these are things that you signed up for when you and BM decided to have children. I am here to love, support and cherish you, NOT to "take over" the SHITTY parts of parenting for you!

     Honestly I wish I would have said something sooner because I really would have liked more time with my baby girl when she was a newborn, but you and BM literally had me back to babysitting the moment I got home from the hospital. I was exhausted, sore and unhappy because you and BM took my rest and my first couple of weeks with my newborn daughter away from me. When i should have been resting and getting to know my daughter, i was exhausted, popping pills for pain and chasing around two toddlers.

     It out a big strain on our relationship because i started to resent you for it. You're also in a worse mood the majority of the time when your kids are over and i feel like a lot of the time the anger falls on me. It got to the point where the anxiety and resentment i felt were too much to stand so i finally had to tell you and just be honest about everything.

     I also think that you should do some one on one time with your kids. They are you to spend quality time with YOU and i think it would help with the dots they throw when they just cru daddy over and over and want to be held. They aren't coming over to see me, but YOU! I feel like the older they get, the more they will start to resent me if you don't give them that time they need with just you where they can have your undivided attention. Don't be so scared of it. Just because you're giving your kids much needed "daddy time" doesn't mean we won't still do things as a family too. Even the Brady Bunch didn't do everything together. 

     I love you more than words can express."

 

So what do you guys think?

Comments

fairyo's picture

It seemsthe letters are working for you- and it is a great idea because you can keep copies and referback to them in the future. Your DH's response seems very positive and this letter seems to set the right tone. I hope it works for you all.

LosingHerShit's picture

Letters definitely work so much better than talking because I get to think about what I'm going to say and I can get it all out with no interruptions or back talk from Dh. He literally has to just sit and listen because I'm not there with him. And when we talk on the phone he keeps things positive. He actually responded before by letter so I'm hoping that hes as understanding of my feelings in this letter as the last one. This one goes into more detail so hopefully he'll still be understanding and not get offended.

futurobrillante99's picture

Be careful of dumping. That means that once he’s responded in a way that makes you feel like you’re heard, don’t open the floodgates with a whole bunch of new stuff. If you do, you run the risk of him feeling like total crap and shutting down again because of an avalanche of eff ups.

theres nothing you can do about how they dumped the kids on you after you gave birth. It’s something g you should talk about at some point.

What if you gave him some time to enjoy that he made you happy about standing up to BM. Then once you get a break from babysitting, then if the burdens are still on you too much, tell him.

Ive done the avalanche approach and it hasn’t gone too well ever.

LosingHerShit's picture

I can respect that, but I so desperately need to get it off my chest. I think he'll be able to think about it and handle it really well. I can't run the risk of going back to the way things were, I need him to know completely where I stand when he comes home. I've been living with severe anxiety and resentment for a year now and I feel like that is going to hurt us as a couple more than being honest. At least now I've put myself out there and if he thinks its unacceptable to take care of his own children then maybe our relationship won't survive, but I'd rather know now than 5 years down the road. 

futurobrillante99's picture

What if your need to unload backfires on you?

What if he got positive reinforcement for this battle won instead of more stuff piled on?

Do you want things to get better or do you only want YOU to feel better right now?

Tell him, but don’t do the avalanche. You put a lot in your second letter that it might be better to address once things are much better in your world and your DH feels like he actually can make you happy.

Things are pretty fresh right now and the surest way to have a setback is as soon as he’s doing what you asked, tell him more things he’s screwing up or has screwed up.

I speak from personal experience that if I have been living in a state of anxiety for too long, it was my own fault for not speaking up and taking care of myself.

Just ask yourself is it’s more important to have long term success or momentary relief from unloading on him.

simifan's picture

I would not send this. He gave you exactly what you wanted. Tell him thank you reward him , and let it go.

LosingHerShit's picture

Well now everybody has made me nervous, I went out to the mailbox to retrieve my letter so I could have some time to really think about whether I should send it and it's gone. There's no going back now so all I can really do is hope for the best. I'm not going to stress myself out over it because it is what it is. Thank you all for your advice and I'll let you guys know whether or not I completely fucked myself.. Sad

futurobrillante99's picture

You could tell him you’d like it back before he reads it because you want to be sure he knows how much you appreciate him and don’t want to pile stuff on him.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, LosingHerShit,

I'm utterly amazed to hear that your DH has tuned in to your valid complaints and made an effort to remedy his muddle. Hon, men are seldom emotionally verbose nor do they enjoy confrontation/drama. Your husband has made a huge concession by recognizing his injustices and making alternate arrangements for his difficult toddlers.

And, OMG, LosingHerShit, I babysat, several times, for a child with ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder) and was alarmed at my longing to slap him. I finally had to tell his mother that the lad was too much for me. I’d begun to dislike him so much that I could no longer provide a positive atmosphere. No matter how maternal one is, an angry, unpleasant, violent, willful child is almost impossible to love. That’s what biomoms are for, Hon, to love the unlovable.

So, back off from any more complaints at present. You’ve won this major battle and are well on your way to winning the war. Don’t mess up this huge victory by demanding another pound of flesh. In the fullness of time, your upsets and grievances will be addressed since your DH has proven to be a reasonable man. Keep us posted!