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Mini wife or Evil Stepmom

Canwenot's picture

So Im fairly new to this site, so forgive me while i vent my way through this. My step daughter has been hell to be around since about a year after i met her which was at the age of 4. She is now currently 8 and she makes me want to pull my hair out. As far as affection or attention from her father, towards me, when shes around, its basically none. But listen yall, when i say i have tried to take every possible avenue to fix shit, A BITCH HAS TRIED. This girl is constantly sleeping in our bed when i am not home, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. shes constantly a jerk to my kids and makes it a point to purposly try to get them in trouble. she lies to her mom and the hubby about me and things my kids do. if she gets anything she wants and i do mean EVERYTHING, as long as she says please. she has gone out of her way to interupt me when we are making adult decisions, just to throw what she thinks we should do(which is always something that will benefit only her) she eats and entire pack of bacon when shes over here with the hubby and I, but if i make it, shell go as far as lying to him and saying i burnt it so she can eat something else. she refuses to get off of him. the cutesy shit is enough to make me vomit. but its " whatever princess wants" if she wants it she gets it. shes a complete snot when the hubby isnt around. for example i asked her if she wanted breakfast as i was making my kids some, and she says "uhm i dont eat breakfast
" head bob and all. i slipped up and rolled my eyes and said ok and walked away. she told her dad the next weekend that she didnt want to come over because i was mean to her and rolled my eyes at her. which then caused hubby to become furious at me. she makes it a point to brag about how often he praises her and kisses her and cuddles her. but literally has temper tantrums if the man even so much as puts his arm around me. she told me the other day she was glad my cat died (i was devistated) because "HER daddy waddy" said she could get a dog and now she can have her own pet and no one else will. we literally cannot be alone until she goes to bed, shit we cant even have a conversation half the time because shell cut me off mid sentence. oh and he cannot leave her line of site. she has to be hanging on him in some fashion at all points in time. now we only have her every single weekend, but she basically lives with us when school is out. im getting to the point where im immediatly in a bad mood whenever it gets close to her being around. is it fair of me to be frustrated, or am i honestly a shit stepmom?

Comments

missgingersnap2021's picture

How often is she there? I had to deal with the clingyness when Sd was 9-she got her period. But my DH would NEVEREVER alone SD to say or do rude things towards me. And trust me when I say listen to the other bloggers when they say you have a DH problem. Once I accepted that in my own situations it helped.

Ispofacto's picture

Hubby seems confused about who is the adult and who is the child in this family.  He allows her to behave however TF she wants but reprimands you.  There is an intolerable power imbalance here.  Bratleigh rules the roost. There is no way in hell I would allow a child to disrespect me like this. 

 

 

Canwenot's picture

no, i totally agree. i have had convos with him about it and it always turns around to me being jealous and that i will never "come between" him and his princess. but ive tried to make it a point to explain that im not trying to, i just feel like there needs to be some boundaries and maybe help in the "respect" department

lieutenant_dad's picture

Hate to break it to your H, but if he didn't want anyone to "come between" him and his daughter then he should have remained single. He could have hired out for "wifely duties" if he felt that's all he needed.

Seriously, there is no amount of conversing with someone who doesn't view you as an equal adult in your own marriage. This is a him problem that he needs to fix, but he is showing no interest in doing so.

Additionally, it's not only unfair to you, but unfair to your kids to have to live through this AND witness their mother be disrespected by both her husband and SD. It's not healthy for them to be around, and they'll either resent having to be around it or learn that this type of treatment is okay.

You need to heavily consider leaving this marriage. You can't do anything to fix this. He has told you he won't respect you or your authority as an equal adult. This is detrimental to your kids. Not really sure what you're trying to preserve other than feelings you may have for him, which is certainly not enough to make up for his dumpster-fire parenting and partner skills.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Yup.Time for daddy-kins to have pwecious daughter step up into her wifely duties - all the legal ones, that is. Pwecious can cook and clean for him since she's all daddy-waddy.

Seriously, girl. He's the problem - not the SD. If there is any chance of him coming around right, you need to cut off ALL wifely perks. Take care of you and your kids. Let SD and daddy-waddy take care of each other.

 

Carrie_321's picture

I could go on and on and on, but will try to keep this short.

I totally get it, except mine is a boy. He was absolutely insufferable and DH didn't discipline him ever because he felt that the divorce was hard enough on him. When he was 8-11 was the worst as far as his rude behavior. He made fun of me having had a miscarriage and would say the most hurtful things and follow them up with, "I'm kidding," like that's a free pass to be a total a-hole.

Anyway, he just turned 14 and is waaaaay better than he was. It is bearable to be around him now, except that he talks constantly. Literally never shuts up. Other than that, he is far more considerate and respectful than he was and I do think much of that is age.

So, your SD will probably get better, but it will take a few more years of just living life. You have to try to be the best example you can be for her and that might mean you have to pretend you are content when you are not A LOT. If hubby is worth it, you can do it.

The sleeping in the same bed nonsense stopped at about 12, so hopefully that will be the similar for your situation. There just comes a point where the kiddo is starting to go through puberty and it is not appropriate anymore for them to sleep in the same bed at Dad.

Consider what things are like with BM and think about how you are better and how you can show this little girl and hubby how much better of a person you are. SD will need that so that she can be a good person when she grows up. Hell, she won't even remember what a c-word she was.

Canwenot's picture

i really do try. i have encouraged them to have some time to themselves and do a hobby that is only those two and i can do something with my kids so that there is that undivided one on one. i try to respect the relationship as my dad is an extremely important person in my life as well. i have tried to talk with her and him both, have left alot of things well enough alone. kind of "choose your battle" type of deal. ive tried to encourage her potty training and to gain independence with hygiene and dressing ect. also with trying to bond with her, get our nails done, go shopping ect. but it always back fires when hubby is around. her mother is, sorry to say, not entirely in the best mental health and in regards to SD it shows heavily. this little girl has zero guidance or structure, shes coddled and bought anything she likes and lives life in a way that everything will always be handed to her. for the most part i have been able to drop the majority of the issues when they happen and jujst move past them, but within the last year....holy shit...

ESMOD's picture

You have a husband problem and his lack of parenting has created a monster of a skid issue.. she does feel she is not just your equal.. but above.  he put her there.. If you want to stay in this relationship.. you and he need some good marriage counseling.. and he needs to learn to effectively parent.

Canwenot's picture

not wrong! ive told him that a few times in our early discussions about it, obviously as its been years later, i would have had a better chance talking to a fckin walnut

ESMOD's picture

I think it sounds like you have some pretty reasonable expectations.. you understand hills to die on.

I would set a few non-negotiable boundaries.. one of those would be children in the marital bed.  no.. no kids in the bed.. period.. 

parents can read a book or go to a child having a nightmare.. whatnot.. kid does not come into the bed.. in fact.. not into the parent's room without knocking and permission.

and encouraging them doing things is great.. but when she starts her demanding... 

I think it's important to at times say things like.. Actually mary.. you chose the movie last time.. lets let Johnny choose it this time.

or "if you don't like what we planned for dinner.. we will make you a peanut butter sandwich.. (or whatever acceptable alternate meal is).

and sometimes you may even say the ".. No.. we are going to do X.. she who pays.. makes the choice".. 

and if daddy starts to waffle.. he can get the stink eye.. and a stiff convo later about how he will back you up in front of the kids.. and he is doing her no favors by spoiling her.. she can have her way some of the time.. but it's unhealthy to always give her her way.. life can't and doesn't work that way.. don't you want her to be able to cope in the real world.. we aren't talking about abuse DH.

CLove's picture

I would read on this board - blatantly obvious mini-wives dont really "get better", they get worse over time. I say this because, sure these behaviors CAN get better, there is POTENTIAL for better, but only if your husband sees it and curtails it and it doesnt sound like he is willing to do that.

I have no bios of my own but have read enough to know that sure kids can be "bad" at any different age, its what you do with it that makes the difference. Sounds like your husband really needs a huge discussion and you will need to repeat yourself. And you will need to be consistant.

1. Co sleeping with dad in the bed you two have sex in? EEEEEEWE.

where do you sleep? Are you living together?

2. Her baby-ish behavior - dont react. Just go silent. Hopefully she grows out of it...

3. Her "all about meeeeeeeee" mentality. This needs your husband to be on board about. He needs to step up his parenting or this self-absorbed CHILD will become a self-absorbed ADULT. Might not even graduate to adulthood. She might just be stunted by all the baby-ing and not reach those milestones of independance. 

4. Her cruel nature. Unless she grows a new personality, I dont know if there is a fix for this. All you can really do is record her, or invest in nanny cams.

Really, however, you need to have that communication with your husband  - that he isnt doing her any favors elevating and treating her as an adult.

Canwenot's picture

loooordt. i said the same thing about sleeping in our bed. like not to be nasty but i outright said" why the hell would you ever want your 8 year old daughter sleeping in a bed that potentially has our body fluids in it (we have a very active sex life when able haha). never mindi8ng the fact that men from time to time get that well known morning wood.....why even risk it buddy?? yuck! i just dont understand the mindset he has. i love my kids, they can be assholes from time to time, but theyre good kids. but never will you catch me treating or stating that they are angels

la_dulce_vida's picture

It's time to back off the active sex life because he has a mini wife and it's not you. That's a sure fire way to get his attention.

"Until I'm treated as your wife by you and your daughter, and you keep her out of our bed, there will be no more shenanigans. Sex with me is a perk of having a wife. You either promote me to my rightful place and your daughter is just your daughter, or you can have fun with your hand."

Canwenot's picture

i would be livid if my kids felt they could talk to anyone like she does. kid or adult. her mannerism is just garbage at this point.

floralsm's picture

Ahh that makes me cringe. Unfortunately you have a DH problem here. Has he ever told her no? My SD8 is a sneaky manipulative miniwife that I refuse to deal with. She's stealing now. 
From my experience next time don't offer her anything. Just worry about you and your kids, and leave her alone. Always direct her to her daddddeeeee, ignore and disengage. Id be putting boundaries in place regarding your bedroom though. Put a lock on your door if you need too. 

Merry's picture

Is there any hope that Daddy Waddy (puke) will acknowledge that he's created a monster and will take steps to fix it? Because this won't get better. That he thinks you are jealous of an out-of-control child is laughable.

Seriously. Decide what you need to be happy. Then make a plan to live that happiness. If your DH won't support you in that, then maybe the plan is that you leave him to his darling daughter and they can be enmeshed and dysfunctional together.

He doesn't seem to care about your happiness if that means he has to do anything hard or upset his child. That's not what love looks like and not how a healthy relationship is supposed to function. So YOU take control of what you need. I might suggest that you start caring about his happiness just as much as he cares about yours.

SteppedOut's picture

It's been four years, your husband is not going to change. His daughter will likely get worse.

Reasonably, the only thing that can change is how YOU react to these situations. Stop taking her shit and stop taking his. Now, this is going to be a hard line and could lead to divorce. Honesty, no effing way I'm going to keep getting treated like that by a bratty kid and bratty kid is sure the hell not going to treat my kids poorly OR "get them in trouble". Tbh, if shit doesn't change with a damn quickness, you should divorce. Even if you are willing to be treated like that, you shouldn't let your children be. Very soon, if not yet, they will resent you for allowing that to happen to them. It's been FOUR YEARS. Even if you are willing to waste your life life this, don't make them. 

ndc's picture

The bad guy here is your husband.  He's not doing his daughter any favors by giving her anything and everything she wants and not requiring her to be kind and respectful to you.  He's a lousy parent and a lousy partner.  I'd focus on his failures rather than the SD.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

While I understand your anger at your SD, it is misplaced. It should be competely directed at your DH. He is failing his daughter and he is failing you. She acts the way she does because he allows it and in some cases encourages it. It is time for a serious and direct conversation with your DH. No matter what happens moving forward, you need to protect your children. No way should SD be allowed to cause any problems for them. Home needs to be their safe place.

Harry's picture

It's a DH problem,  he is okay her game.  Make you second. Time to tell him to cut it out or leave 

Catmom024's picture

I'd be working on an exit plan if possible.   Mini Wife Syndrome gets progressively worse.  In the teen years and early "adulthood" it's a huge nightmare.  These men create children who are socially inept and believe the rules of society don't apply to them.  And then they reproduce.