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Why I Will Never Step-Parent Again…..

Lillywy00's picture

.....And should have never relaxed my standards to begin with 


  • Step-kids come into your home thinking they run the place / do things like they do with their bioparents house or when their bio parents were together / single
  • The moment you assert boundaries and enforce basic rules (like "if you use it you clean it" or "if you break it you buy it") step-kids and their parents act like you're single-handedly providing military-style, destruction of enemy level torture. 
  • Step-kids typically wish their bio parents would get back together and intentionally or subconsciously behave like domestic t*rrorist to run you off
  • The non-custodial parent is usually high conflict, drama-filled, controlling, manipulative, demanding, narcissistic, and lurking like a lockness monster (you've never seen it but you know it's there) deep below the surface waiting to wreak havoc at anytime for no reason at all
  • The custodial parent usually operates out of guilt and gives in to the kids whims and caves to HCBM every beck and call
  • Your needs will usually come last after the stepkids wants and whims are fulfilled. You'll get accused of being "selfish" if you protest. 
  • The stepkids seem to be more expensive moneypits because the divorced parent guilt soothes the guilt by buying them useless sh*t to appease the imaginary "suffering" the bio parents want them to feel so they can feed their ego by "rescuing" the stepkids from any and every disappointment 
  • Bioparents oddly have removed the word NO (that most humans hear from time to time throughout life) from their vocabulary and treat their kids like delicate fragile beings. The moment you say no you get accused of "hurting their feelings"
  • Typical non-custodial parents have delusions of grandeur, are manipulative/controlling, and don't want to see their former spouse move on, don't want their kids to bond to another person, want to control EVERY aspect of someone else's household that they contribute nothing to.  
  • When all else fails most non-custodial parents use their kids as pawns and tools of manipulation (ex. If you do don't get back with me/jump when I say how high/marry someone else you'll never see your kids again)
  • Most bio parents have delusions of grandeur regarding their "perfect innocent angels" and expect their kids to be on a fake pedestal above the spouse / partner
  • Sometimes the custodial parents "overcompensate" for their lazy exes by expending twice as much resources on step kids instead of holding their exes accountable for intentionally disrespecting their own kids. Now you feel like a single (married) parent if you bring your own kids/kids together into the situation. 
  • If you do anything but sing those step-kid praises, you get met with defensive attitudes/pushback/no cooperation 
  • If you don't auto volunteer you will get volunTOLD to complete unlimited hours of free on-demand childcare typically on prime times like Friday and Saturday nights or right after work. And the moment you ask for money you get looked at like you have three heads.
  • Most divorced people with kids pull bait and switch worse than narcissistic slick snake oil used car salespeople. Once you're "locked in" with them (cohabitation, marriage, kid together with them, depend on them in some way, etc) they slam you with drama, unlimited childcare expectations, guilt trips, parenting so horrid it affects your peace
  • Some of these divorced parents will refuse to take higher paying jobs and now need you to help them pay bills so you can help them subsidize their divorced guilt splurging and HCBM financial demands.
  • Most divorce single parents with kids are so narcissistic tendencied/self absorbed they act like they don't care how theirs, their kids, their exes constant negative behaviors affect others and will literally act a fool one minute then turn around the next minute and expect s3x, childcare, domestic labor, etc all without any reciprocity, compensation, or even a thank you or I'm sorry. 
  • And much much more soul sucking shenanigans that these people are usually pulling.

Unless the divorced dad is bankrolling multi-millions, I will NEVER be a step-parent again. Too much drama and energy expended than the payoff of dealing with the average self absorbed divorced/single parent with kids under 18


Lillywy00's picture

Generalization based from observation and unfortunately first hand (one and done!) experience 

Enough to know in most cases, the ROI/math ain't mathing (at least not in my experience)

And Classical Conditioning so in my dating future when I encounter a single divorced person with kids and hella resources going out to a HCBM, I will instantly equate it to PTSD and refuse to engage further. 

classyNJ's picture

stepparent again, but I am old so the chances of that are slim and none.  LOL

I just got lucky with DH.  He was not the custodial until they turned 14 then we had them full time.  He was the complete opposite of the non custodial that you experience.  Our home was the only one that had rules and boundries.  DBDB didn't care what the hell they did or how it was done as long as it did not interrupt her life style. 

Lillywy00's picture

That's why i tried not to speak in extremes and absolutes because i know there are some well adjusted blended/step families with mature leaders and resilient kids/stepkids. 

I have a relative whose DH took her off her job to

help raise his 2 kids from a previous marriage, helped her raise her 2 kids from a previous marriage and helped raise the kid the have together. 

Her step-kids chose to live with their bio mom since they didn't like the rules and her DH backed her up every time the kids got out of line/every time she enforced a rule of their home. 

Her DH was totally cooperative with her and the HCBM couldn't cause much drama after her kids chose to live with her and he simply paid the required child support till they were 18. 

The single divorced parents need to understand that them being more cooperative especially towards their new spouse helps run the entire operation more smoothly which ultimately benefits the kids. Otherwise they'll find less people want to get involved with them once they realize the challenges. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would agree but would replace custodial/non-custodial with high conflict or lazy. Percentage of custody time doesn't seem to affect things imo. It's the quality of the individuals. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

To add, some people are users who want maximum benefit with minimum effort. There are parents out there who either provide or pay for their kids' care themselves. On this site we just see parents who don't put forth the effort or expense to provide for their kids' basic needs and care, and thus try to con others into doing it. 

Lillywy00's picture

This pretty much sums up this exwife I've dealt with the past 2 years. 

Purposefully tried to pull the "I'm leaving town with the kids....good luck getting visitation" and when that tactic didn't work now it's "I'm back in town b*tches but Im gonna use a new tactic and pretend  I'm incapable of parenting so I can run off any new partners who don't put my spawns constant whims/demands ahead of themselves 100% of the time and if they don't agree to non-stop unlimited free on-demand childcare"

missgingersnap2021's picture

Your 4th bullet sums up my DH 10000%!! You even used the word "lurking". And I have used the phrase PTSD too! I know I will never ever be with another man with children. The hurt DH has/is causing me is going to take years to heal. I'm crying my eyes out as I'm typing this because of how nasty he was to me this morning! EVen is his SD is not aroudn he is still is a nasty person. Its like the divorce sucked all the good out of him. 

Lillywy00's picture

I've had moments like that. 

Argue with DH / partner over the step-kids (aka bio parents perfect innocent angels / mini spouse) negative behavior or their lack of ability to enforce boundaries on the manipulative ex wife. So once you point out their dysfunction and don't acquiesce to be part of the dysfunction you're now the enemy. 

MissK03's picture

2nd bullet point!! My everyday life! And 3rd also could be my SS19..but might know BM is messing with his head but still continues to fall for it. Even though it's been 12 years and his mom is remarried. Since her new thing of the past year is "I would never have left your father..." **crickets**

shamds's picture

Out of choice because she is lazy and its so beneath her to work. She's used the sd's especially to continually pressure their dad to hand off assets to skids only when we were married and had 2 kids together.

exwife comes from a poor uneducated family and basically leeches off any dumbo man then plays victim at how poor she is. "Money doesn't grow on trees"

Jmariel8's picture

This was ridiculously spot on.

harmony98's picture

No plans on ever ever being a step mum again like ever.


if only there were a time machine.  i wouldnt do it this time round.