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ADVICE NEEDED- Do I have to go on a family trip????

bananashake's picture

OK....this is in addition to my previous thread about planning a vacation with my BF (he has two kids....SS3 and SD4 and we do NOT live together!). I have no kids of my own and don't think I ever will.

My BF mentioned that his mom said to him, 'OK you guys can go on a trip but you guys need to take the kids on some trips too, you can't just pawn them off on a babysitter everytime you want to get away.'

BF brings this up and tells me, next year why don't we take them to Disneyworld, or a road trip for 10 days.

I am cringing at the thought of spending an entire vacation with the kids. I am sorry to say, but those kids are brats!

I know exactly what will happen. The entire time they will cling to daddy and be stuck up his arse, hate me for disciplining and trying to keep them in check, and it will be EXHAUSTING for me. I can imagine the entire time, instead of enjoying the relaxation a vacation is supposed to be, I'll be saying, 'SS, stop eating sand! SD stay where I can see you! SS put that down!' I have nightmares just thinking of it. I want to get a massage under a cabana without thinking of his kids. And he will expect me to help obviously with them. But they are such brats and SS3 throws awful tantrums I don't even wanna go.

That said, I'm not willing to fork out the $$$$ for a vacation I know I will be miserable on.

How can I politely decline going on a trip with them? I suspect he will be offended. But they will LOVE being with just daddy the entire time and I can have a week or two to shop, spa, hang with friends, etc.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Reading between the lines, and making an assumption, it sounds like mom thinks BF pawns the kids off too much on HER and wants him to stop without coming out and saying so.

As for you, do whatever you want. You have no obligation to go on a family vacation with BF unless you want to.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Also, sorry if that first part was wrong, but my family is passive aggressive, and that is definitely what they'd mean if they said that!

The last part still holds, though. Do what you want to do.

DeeDeeTX's picture

LOL, yes! I have two around that age and I wouldn't take them on a 10 day trip! Not without a nanny, anyway! Wink

youngmama1b1g's picture

Exactly. Ours are 5 and 2...we're planning our first vacation this year. Prob be about 5 days long, like an extended weekend.
Previously we only did day trips- may i suggest that to start with.

TheBrightSide's picture

I respectfully disagree with: "They go on proper holidays with their BM so have no real "need" for two proper holidays per year."

We have this issue in our house. DH and I take SD11 on proper vacations. BM needs to take her child on a vacation once in awhile...it should always be us.

An to OP. If I were you (and I've had experience with this). I would pick and chose what "family" vacations I attend. If your BF isn't open to hearing your real feelings about how his kids behalf (and he probably doesn't), then give him an excuse...("I can't get the time off work").

PeanutandSons's picture

I say try a long weekend, somewhere closer. Leave Friday afternoon, stay somewhere Fri and Sat night and drive home Sunday afternoon.

It's alot less stressful, and the kids will be super excited to justbe going away and staying at a hotel. Have a bunch of activities lined up so there's structure, I find that helps.

But talk to your bf. Tell him that he needs to really step up and parent his kids on this trip. Explain how you are afraid that its going to be too stressful for you, and that this can be a "trial run" for a possible longer trip to Disney sometime in the future. But that if you feel too stressed, or that the kids are too out of control,or too much your responsibility that you don't want to do anymore family vacations. Hopefully that will keep him on his toes with them, and its only two and a half days.... And if its not going well, just leave first thing Sunday morning.

alwaysanxious's picture

1. Its a long time away and if Bf is like my SO, he will be too lazy to plan anything anyway so it may not even happen.
2. "Oh bf, I think the skids would love some dad time. I think it would be a great idea if you all just went. They need some time with you"

I wouldn't go for the same reasons, but my skids are older.

B22S22's picture

10 days is too long to even spend with my bios on vacation!!! And we've gone on week-long vacations before... they're ready for home in about 5 days.

This is the way DH and I do it every year:

February (our anniversary month)- he and I go on vacation for a week somewhere, just the two of us (sometimes his parents go, whom I love to death so we have a great time)

July - DH and I take his kids and my kids somewhere for 4 days or so. Beach, mountains, etc. The first couple years of doing this it was brutal -- myself and my kids were told time and time again how we had ruined "their" vacation (SK's) as this was the time of year their dad would always take them (SK's) to an amusement park. But it's gotten better in that now they refuse to speak to any of us so I don't have to hear it. Plus, I think they've realized that with the addition of my income, their vacations no longer consist of one night in a Motel 6 and one day at an amusement park.

In all, I'd say hell no to T.E.N. days with 2 little kids. And absolutely HELL NO to a ROAD TRIP for that long (are we there yet? I have to pee! I'm hungry! He's looking out my window! She's breathing my air!). I agree with a short drive, short duration sort of trip.

StepOnMe101's picture

Whenever I think VACATION I think SKID FREE. I feel like spending tons of money on a vacation with kids is usually a waste of money. I am from NY and my husband always suggests we should take SD next time we go up to visit. I really don't want to. I feel like it will be a pain and I won't enjoy myself the way I would if she wasn't there. So we haven't been there since 09. Luckily I am in a cousins wedding May 2013...DH & I will be traveling to NY...SD not so much. }:)

godess-clueless's picture

Who would be footing the bill for Disney???? When he is planning a child vacation for his children he should be expected to pay for everything. You would be going along as companionship for your SO and to assist him with his children. It's not like you as a single adult would pick a place like that to visit.

If it was an all expense paid by SO then I might consider it worth while but never would I want to pay for someone elses childrens vacation and have to forfeit a more adult vacation because of doing that.

ybarra357's picture

OP in reading your other blogs, it seems like other people are trying to make decisions for you. I realize you claim you’re not confrontational, but establishing boundaries IMO isn’t confrontational. If it isn’t your BF’s ‘ friend’ it’s his parents dictating vacations and you two aren't even living together for cryin’ out loud! And from what you write here, you don’t even want that much less taking a vacation with small children.

It’s high time to speak up OP, say ‘NO’ and find yourself a nice childless BF.

bestwife's picture

Someone posted that it's not like a single adult would ever pick a place like Disney to go to.

I'll have to disagree. I went to Disney as a single - many, many times. Some even by myself. DH and I have been as a couple. I love Disney. Plus as a single I felt very, very safe there. Great spa and restaurants - it's not all about kiddie rides.

But I still would strongly discourage you from making this trip. First - it's not your choice. So what if it was my choice. We are all different.

Second - I took a 10 year old one time. We had a lot of fun, but it was no vacation for me at all. The trip was about her (which I wanted). She missed her mom a lot. We didn't eat at any fine restaurants.

Disney can be a luxurious stay at the Grand Floridian, going to the spa and eating at Florida's only 5 star restaurant -Victoria and Albert (which does not allow children). Or going to the Food and Wine festival. Or it can be staying at one of the child themed places, standing in line to see Mickey, and eating fast food.

That's the fun part of Disney - it can be whatever you want.

alwaysanxious's picture

My friend's husband is the same way. He can't wait to go to disneyworld. He'd go by himself if he had to.

my.kids.mom's picture

This is hilarious. I probably say about once a month how I want to take my kids to the beach "this summer." It's been two summers because exh hasn't been paying child support and we don't live near the beach anymore. So bf says, "I can't believe you don't want to take the kids to Disney World." I cringe. Sure, I can barely afford to get them to the beach and pay for a roof over their heads, but I want to aim for a super expensive vacation where I get to stand in hot, sweaty lines all day? I need a VACATION!! Duh. My kids LOVE the beach. We can ride waves all day, play in the sand, relax, etc. and they are fine. They are old enough to appreciate what the beach and ocean provide. I flat out told bf, you can take your kids to DW, whatever you want, but don't EVER get my kids into DW and excited about something thinking you can take us all. NO WAY IN HELL would I spend MY vacation with him and his kids in that environment. Disney Dad is bad enough through the rest of the year. What will it be like AT Disney?! LOL

To the OP, take this vacation, let the grandma watch the kids. What happens after that is whatever you choose. But you are insane to cave on this. Let HIM take his kids, like everyone else has said.

cant win for losin's picture

Gawd, i could barely handle overnite trips, i cannot even imagine 10 days.
People need to stay out of your relationship.
I would be honest and say that, you are not comfortable with a 10 day adventure, but you would consider a weekend trip!

helena_brass's picture

Woman, grow a pair.

Of course you do not need to go. Is someone holding a gun to your head? If you want to play coy and non-confrontational, simply pull out a "We'll see." Or you could recommend that your BF take a trip with his kids--alone. It's his family, not yours.

Your blogs about the crazy jealous neighbor-lady really annoy me. And honestly, I doubt your ability to discipline your BF's kids if that's how you deal with the skanky ho next-door. Come on! You say you're nearing the top of your game in your career. Take some of that chutzpah and apply it to your social life! How can you let people walk all over you like that?

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for your independence and success. Good for you, and I totally support you going after your higher degree and traveling. It's just nails on a chalkboard though to hear you putting up with this kind of ridiculous nonsense and saying nothing!

bananashake's picture

LOL thanks I actually appreciate the 'virtual' smackdown you're landing on me. No really I am using this forum as an venting outlet as well as seeing how other's would handle my situation.

And I am working on building my gusto. I have made it clear we aren't moving in and other responsibilities I don't feel comfortable with taking on for the skids. I'm just looking for ways to stand up for myself cause trust me, these folks can verbally corner you like no other, they're no dummies. I just like to be equipped for these situations cause they come up so often.

bananashake's picture

In addition since I'm the only one with no kids and they all have kids I feel some of these people are "superiorizing" themselves and their ideas to me cause they KNOW what it's like to parent and whats a good influence on the kids and 'lets please think of the children' types....they used that to put pressure on me to move in. Anyways thanks

helena_brass's picture

I understand. I'm sorry for coming off a bit smackdown-y. Blum 3 In reality, taking the 'high' road, I don't think you need to explain yourself to anyone except your BF. As long as you two are on the same page, it doesn't matter. I'm just hot-headed when someone thinks they need to put their two cents in on things that have nothing to do with them.

And they will superiorize, absolutely. I think everyone with kids does, to a certain extent. That's probably not going to change. Then, if you do have kids, it will be the same thing because they've 'been there, done that.' Whatever. Just ignore them. What's best for the children has nothing to do with you moving in. What's best for the children has nothing to do with a long, 'family' vacation. Since when do little kids appreciate vacations anyway? You sound like you haven't chosen to play the stepmom/wifey role, and you absolutely don't have to. How you playing that role would benefit the kids, I have no idea. Those sound like very traditional delusions. Vent away honey. You could use it.

jb's picture

I think the decision depends on your future intentions with this guy. Do you want to blend with his family completely? If you do then you need to compromise and spend some family kids oriented trips. If you are happy being out of that part of his life, tell him "hell no" and you will give him a back rub when he gets back.

twopines's picture

No, you don't have to go on a family vacation.

I personally would not do a ten-day trip with skids. BF is certainly welcome to do that himself, though. Tell him what a wonderful bonding thing it will be for the three of them, and you wouldn't dream of interfering in that important experience. Maybe that will do the trick.

Kes's picture

I am coming to this thread late- but wanted to add my experience. Every summer my DH takes the SDs on a trip, I don't go. They usually go to a theme park for a few nights, but this year he is planning to take them to New York for a week. (we live in the UK). DH is perfectly happy with this arrangement, and I imagine the teenage SDs are over the moon that I don't go.
I would NEVER have agreed to go on holiday with the SDs - I find it barely tolerable being with them EOW, I would lose the will to live if I had to spend 7 days with them, somewhere where there was no escape - there are lots to places to escape to at home.

bananashake's picture

You guys are truly the best. Cause honestly, all of the people I speak to in real life say otherwise. It's all about the skids, lets all think about the skids, the skids have been through so much through a broken marriage and are suffering, blah blah blah. This place is really a good outlet cause I need SOMEONE to validate my feelings, even if it IS online!!!! I also have my sister to turn to as well.

That said, while he's in Disneyland with the kids I'll be in the bahamas....both us AND the skids enjoy ourselves....win win situation.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Yes - it IS all about the kids - for the people who are RESPONSIBLE for the kids! What the hell does that have to do with you?????? Enough already!

Clearly these people want you to be a combination of Mary Poppins and Mrs. Moneybags and I can assure you that the 2 do not mix. If you throw yourself into caring for the kids you will have to quit your job and suddenly you will not be providing the big bucks they want. If you keep providing the cash, then you will never be giving the hands on care that they seem to crave. This is a no win situation for you. Take your nice life and Tiffany bracelet (know the one you got and I love it - good for you girl!!!) and find a man who is compatible with you!

Many of us on here got trapped before we knew what hit us. I am an attorney, there is a doctor, a professor and several other high powered women who truly compromised ourselves by leaping before we looked. And now we are spread so thin that we don't feel that we do anything to the best of our ability. Don't let that happen to you!

justa102's picture

I kinda want to put my two cents in - I didn't read everyone's reply but a good bit.

I don't have kids either. We plan to have one but as someone who doesn't have kids I enjoy time WITHOUT kids. I understand I have a FDH who has kids but I DON'T. We only get the kids for "sleepovers" so it's not a whole weekend and it's only a weekend or two out of the month. So I don't see them much and I actually enjoy that because I know one day I'll have a kid and I want MY time and for now I'd rather be "kid-less". Maybe two or three times I decided to go hang out with friends or what not when his kids did come over. I told him prior to them coming over I was going out for a little. He said to me, and made me feel bad, that, "I'm trying to bring the kids around you more so you and the kids can get to know one another. But you don't want to be around us." When I read your post that's exactly what I thought of. I don't know how your SO feels, if he feels like my FDH feels. But I sometimes feel I just don't want to be around them that day. I feel I have a choice but FDH thinks differently. That since we're together, his kids are a part of the package deal.

In my mind bringing such young kids on a trip lasting longer than a weekend (lol) would be crazy in my eyes too! Sometimes I feel I pay more attention or I'm more responsible with kids in general than he is. So I'd feel like I'd be more of the adult on the trip saying, Stay where I can see you.. or What did you just put in your mouth.. stuff like that. And to me that's just not fun. I'd rather be sipping a drink on the beach or next to the pool relaxing with my cell phone off!

I don't see a problem with you two going on separate trips without the kids cause me and FDH do too. I have yet to go on a trip with his kids and since I've been with him he hasn't taken them on trips. But maybe instead of doing a full blown week trip, take the kids away for the weekend? It's just a suggestion. Plus it's cheaper and less aggravating. That's what I would do or would rather do.

But if you don't want to do that either than just say no. But I just wonder if that's going to pose a problem with you and SO like how my FDH said the above to me?

hismineandours's picture

I dont do vacations with the skid anymore. If he's there it's not really a "vacation". I work hard all year, save my money, and deserve some play time. I enjoy my kids, we get along well so they are typically welcome to come; however, dh and I have also taken quite a few little trips just on our own as well.

I agree with the others that 10 days with a 3 and 4 year old is too much and it lends me to believe that perhaps your so is not that knowledgeable about parenting. Someone else suggested a weekend at a hotel-which I htink is great-I know my kids when they were little-simply loved going to the pool. I would suggest one of those suite hotels though so you can have your privacy.

Just to note-I have taken many many vaca's with ss in the past. His behavior is typcially horrendous. He attempts to do what he can to ruin the trip for everyone. I am not sure why-there must be some reason in his head-but I've tired of trying to figure it out and have just accepted that it is not a good idea for him to go.