And I don’t mean stepkid boundaries, I mean DHs ex!!!

DH and ex were together 12 years, never married, a wedding kept getting called off because of ex cheating. They split when SD8 was around 2yo. 

There are no normal boundaries between them. It’s driving me up the wall. Especially now we have baby son and I don’t want him involved in all the codependent weirdness. There definitely isn’t anything *going on* between them but it’s just not right. 

So quick recap: SS18 is in college across the country- he has a gf in our state who is a Jr in HS, and they are obsessed with each other. They have had sex, her parents are religious and don't know. This wknd SD15 (temporarily retiring her Demon nickname as she has been consistently normal and decent for a few months now) told us that SS's gf's parents love SS because he told them they are waiting until marriage to have sex. So, he straight up lied to their faces when they talked to him about sex, because they were worried that SS and their daughter were having sex in their house.

My SS 13 is going through a phase... basically he doesn't want to be at our house and when he's here he's in his room the entire time unless there's food. 
 

He got in trouble at school and has to go to one of those continuation schools for a month... basically he was caught smoking weed in the bathroom and they told his BM it was either that or Juvie... because he gets in fights ALOT

First post... I've been reading through other posts here and suddenly feel like I'm not losing the plot!!!

So it's been a while since I've posted. I also delete my previous posts so just a quick recap for context. 
SD10 and SS12 have been changed to coming to ours every second weekend which has been such a relief for both DH and myself, and for them too. We have moved so that was the main reason but DH is also FIFO so we can't have them more than 50/50.

Lately, I feel like I am at my breaking point. We have been in this high conflict arrangement with BM for almost 13 years now. While I have mostly disengaged from the day to day crap, I can't disengage from things that impact our household's plans, time, and finances. It seems like the more DH drops rope and just lets BM do whatever she wants (since the CO allows her to anyway), the more she increases shared expenses and conflict/communication to almost maintain DH's attention. BM constantly claims that she "doesn't like arguing" yet she keeps pushing constantly.

Today is DH's birthday... Tonight BM emails DH (after just seeing him yesterday and not mentioning it) that she enrolled SS12 in therapy because he has been having severe anxiety - BM did not specify what the specific issue is. BM provided DH with the therapist's name/contact information. She informed DH that this provider was "hand selected" by her and doesn't accept insurance so they are privately paying. Session rates would be $125 total per week.

SD14 is awful & DH refuses to have a conversation with me about it. (failing grades, disgusting room, disrespect, etc.) He somehow is able to vent to his brother, father, and mother (says the things SD is being difficult with, etc). But if SD14 is ever brought up with ME then DH immediately gets defensive. I am OVER it. 

I outright told him yesterday that he treats SD14 differently. He is so blind he doesn't even see it. It came up because of this:

It's been such a rollercoaster with them. I met them 2 years ago. They are in another state and never leave their small town. So visits depend on DH and SS going to them. I met the inlaws as the serious girlfriend who also has BS10. I was the first girlfriend to meet the family since BM (8 years ago). They separated shortly after SS was born and have been coparenting since. Inlaws only met BM during her pregnancy and she also visited them when SS ( now 8 ) was was less than a year old.

Instead of focusing on rebuilding Chef's vintage vehicle, Mr. NSN, who is heavily enmeshed with his adult son the Mechanic,  let it slip that Chef's only full-blooded brother (Uncle Kinky) who has been shunning Chef for divorcing the Girhippo, is moving back from the "big city" to his hometown which Uncle K has despised in his youth as being a "hick town."

Seems the big city is now too dangerous for Uncle K to live in with all the Kia Boys break-ins.  It should be noted that until it affected him, Uncle K was very soft on crime.