Same old drama
So it's been a while since I've posted. I also delete my previous posts so just a quick recap for context.
SD10 and SS12 have been changed to coming to ours every second weekend which has been such a relief for both DH and myself, and for them too. We have moved so that was the main reason but DH is also FIFO so we can't have them more than 50/50.
BM has been crowned one of the worst on this site so she is the thorn in our side for the last 9 years. She has successfully PAS'd SD but not so much SS12. His behaviour and attitude has been not so bad lately which has been a breath of fresh air. But, SD is back to her games of lying, sneaky and manipulative. It's a shame because she was such a sweet girl before she was heavily influenced by BM.
Anyway a blow up happened. The skids arrived at our house and SD had full blown headlice. Sigh. So we treated her hair and long story short she lied and said she didn't know she had it and we stupidly believed her. From history where we battled SD headlice in the past (8 months straight due to BM never treating it at hers) I honestly thought those days were behind us.
I was pretty upset she lied, especially when we have small children in the house and one of them attend pre school. Plus I am 34 weeks pregnant and don't want headlice in the house with a newborn coming. SS came clean and told us the truth that he actually had them first and BM treated his hair and SD's but for some reason she still managed to have it. SD still tried to protect BM and lie but realised she couldn't anymore as SS confessed everything, So DH did the parenting on that and she hated being accountable for it. And of course we get absolutely no communication about this from BM because she's a toxic POS.
Then SD10 tried to wear mascara and makeup to school. I asked DH did he approve of her wearing it and he said No and to take it all off. She of course looked like she was about to cry and stomped back up stairs. I pulled out all her cosmetics she had in her school bag and explained if she wants to wear it on the weekend (as she apparently wears it at BMs all the time). Fine. But we draw a line when it comes to wearing it to school.
DH again had to parent her on that and explain our house rules again! She honestly thinks we are the worst parents but we are actually normal. it's just she lives with a BM that has 0 parenting and an uncle that doesn't parent her but spoils her instead. So that's why she thinks at 10 she can do what she wants.
She also has a phone with 0 parenting controls that she doesn't bring to our house as we monitor it here. She's on Snapchat, TikTok (well apparently she's not anymore after a parent reported her at her school for sending her child inappropriate content), and she shops on Temu herself too.
Well BM hit the fan when SD came back to hers. DH got the usual bullshit email from BM alienating SD and refusing her to come back to ours as she is being emotionally abused by yours truly and apparently I have mental health issues. DH didn't reply and said well we will wait it out and see when she comes back. There is no court order - just an agreed child support payment plan in place. So when BM keeps SD (Never SS she's very happy still sending him here and he has no issues here) DH states he doesn't agree to CS and she doesn't get anymore $ out of him. So she ends up giving SD back eventually just always on her terms.. and it seems SD terms too now.
Well yesterday I noticed SD deleted me and DH from her Snapchat as we can only see her public profile. Which is all rubbish. She wants to be famous and have lots of followers and thrives on strangers playing her stupid repost snaps. I got the shits and reported her profile this morning claiming she is 10 and not over 18. I hope it works and Snapchat shuts her profile page down. After her sending a boy from her school threatening to cut her wrists after the suicidal content she followed on TikTok she doesn't need any social media.
DH spoke to BM and apparently BM was going to take her to see someone she can talk to and of course that never happened. So DH made an appointment with a GP for a referral to a child psychologist. SD and BM don't know it yet but he said I have to do something. I totally agree. He's going to pull her out of school on his Friday they are supposed to come here and take her to the appointment.
BM Is going to lose her mind when she finds out but she had her chance and now DH turn. SD is convinced we are emotionally abusing her, so this is him helping her and finding a way to get her mentally well to be able to come to ours again. Its just so stressful, I hate Narcissistic mothers who PAS their children, for the sake of their own insecurities. Toxic awful people. I'm protecting DD4, DS1 and now baby on the way from this as much as I can.
Oh and DD4 cried and got so upset when SD doesn't come here because she doesn't understand why the older sister she loves doesn't come over sometimes. It's just so sad that BM loves that too.
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Bravo to DH. No CO, then he can choose not to pay BM.
Bravo to you and DH together for actually parenting.
As for lice. Obviously BM can't read. The instructions are clear. Treat. Comb the nits out of the hair. Then treat again per the instructions. Lice reproduce on a very specific schedule. The treatment only kills the ones that have hatched. The treatment does not kill the nits. If the follow up treatment is not done on schedule, the infestation won't be eliminated and it will become a shit storm of lice infestation that takes over the house. Wash all linens in hot water on hot dry, bag all plush toys and put them in the hot attic for as long as the instructions indicate. Spray all furniture with the lice specific pesticide, and have all carpet cleaned with a pesticide cleaner designed for lice.
We had this when SS was in Pre-school. She was bathing SS in our bathroom when she called my name in an urgent tone. I stepped in and she points at SS's head and says "BUGS!" It took us a few weeks to get it all under control.
Protect your home. and your kids from BM's parasite infested spawn. I would start treating SD the minute she walks in your home. EOWE is just about the re-treatment point if I recall the instructions correctly from nearly 30 years ago.
DD-4's heartbreak is sad. She is a couple of years from starting to learn more about the whole blended family dynamics and to start having her questions addressed in an age appropriate manner. That started at abut 6yo for us and as SS got older and started experiencing more complex SpermClan issues and asking more complicated questions based on their lies and manipulations we increasingly introduced him to the facts, the CO, etc, etc, etc... over the unfolding CO years.
Thanks Rags, it's definitely
Thanks Rags, it's definitely easier when DH and I are on the same page with parenting and he is getting the attitude from SD too, not just me anymore.
Yes I absolutely hate headlice! I have washed all linens, towels and vacuumed/cleaned the entire house since SD has been gone. Thankfully myself and little ones never got it. Thanks to SD not coming over last weekend no idea if she has them but definitely treating her hair again as soon as she walks in just in case. She doesn't brush her hair so it's a battle combing the eggs out so I drench her hair in conditioner to help.
You are correct, there is a schedule to treating the lice and I told her she has to do it day 7 at BMs and again day 14 at ours again, otherwise any eggs missed will hatch and it will be back to square one. But until she shows her face here, no idea if her hairs treated.
Disengage
''''. The skids arrived at our house and SD had full blown headlice.''''. If it was me. Those kids with DH would be outside until she was treated. That child would not be allowed in my home with headline. .. That all you need in your home.
'You didn't married BM or had kids with her. DH did it's his kids let him deal with it all. You did your part .. Now it's up to him.
SD 10 already has major problems with her father. Makeup and cellphones. What are more important then her DF.
'BEAWAR. from others posting on these boards. BM will play her game letting kids do what they want kidds hit a certain age and get into trouble, BM will want to send kids to you to live full time. Easier then parenting and less costly [ lawers cost lots of money]
'You need to have''' that talk '' with DH explaining, There not your kids. ''Your kids'' life will not suffer because of SK. THAT your DH is looking at a second fail marriage. He must wake up. Now and nip this now
Same handbook
Crazy and your BM have obviously been studying the same HCBM handbook, down to "allowing all social media with zero limits at a very young age", and somehow blaming you when you try to set perfectly reasonable limits such as no makeup to school at age 10. And of course, the alienation. Mostly leaving the boys alone, but really laying it on for SD's. It's exhausting. I'm glad your DH is doing something.
I definitely know there are people on this site with skids that PAS'd out, and Demon15 was right there also, but crazily enough she has done a complete 180. I think therapy, meds, and staying the course of actually parenting her did it. So there may be hope yet.
Yeees it's so annoying. It's
Yeees it's so annoying. It's been 8 years or 9 of just the same old toxic PAS bullshit. She's so predictable now, we are just sick of it. I'm hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel. We shall wait and see, but at the moment I have 0 energy for SD and BM crap anymore. DH is fed up too, so fingers crossed this mental health pathway for her will help not just SD but also us too.
Sadly, IMHO zero tolerance has to be in place from moment 1
Sadly, IMHO zero tolerance has to be in place from moment 1 of the failure of the initial family. Certainly it is a trust but verify, remain constantly vigilant on a hair trigger with the X and with the kids in the event of inappropriate unacceptable behavior. It is the duty of the remarried failed family parent to make absolutely sure that any bullshit is met with instant firm consequences. Be nice. Until it is time to not be nice.
If not, this is the kind of thing that is common. Kids suck and rarely make it to viable adulthood, the X can play games at will, and the the new married is far more prone to failure an doom even than the failed initial marriage was.
Human nature is not to instantly destroy another person. Particularly one's own child, and only slightly less challenging is for the mother or father of your children to get popped in the nose for being toxic.
However, better to make any crap instantly painful than to coddle, dodge, play games, or facilitate either the kid(s) or the other parent destroying the new blended family due to ineffective gentle parenting and tolerance of an X not knowing and remaining in their place.
These toxic failed family kids and their toxic parent are like bullies. Proverbially busting them in the nose is what has the best chance of ending their crap, in conjunction with zero tolerance for deviating from standards of behavior and getting the kids therapy. Not voluntary coddle therapy that the kid can avoid. Immersion therapy with a pit bull therapist who will tolerate no bullshit and make sure that the kid has clarity about who and what their toxic POS parent is and address behavior adjustments with the kid(s). Better to limit the damage from the toxic side and at least give the kid the ability and knowledge to defend themselves from the shit parent into and throughout adulthood.
Fortunately a relatively small % of situations require so firm a response. Though that response must be immediately ready when necessary. Plan, script, and execute rather than tolerating crap that interferes in living our best lives and making a life with our mate. If it is never necessary to invoke the plan, then enjoy the blended family adventure. Though it is better to never be unprepared.
IMHO of course.
When I was dealing with
When I was dealing with Disneyland dad his trifling a$$ exwife would try to send her spawns over with colds, covid, bladder issues, and more.
I had a STRICT policy of "if you have ANYTHING contagious" you need to stay where you are until it's resolved otherwise you will be quarantined to your room no exceptions
Not about to let these nasty BMs use their spawns to spread biological warfare up in my clean household