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feeling like second best.. a tag alongs

findingserenity's picture

Im a second wife, so I wanna know if this is normal stepfamily thing but it makes me feel so unhappy. My husband always compare our kids to his favorite daughter, andunless shes here, we get her eowe, we dont go out and have fun, we have two kids together, so one time, I really want to bring the kids to the airshow but sd decided not to come, husband gave me a hard time but I was able to bring myself and our kids and we had fun without him.he was aggravated that he tried getting back, then he decided to have a memorial day party when the money we have is to pay the rent and invite sd. So this week, we are broke. Husband bought an inflatable pool but we werent able to use until sd was here. My daughter had ear pierced when she was six months because thats when sd had hers. My son whos almost 3 cant go see a dentist for check up because sd didnt get to see dentist til shes 9, to get braces. Wtf... What sre we to him? Tag alongs? he told me a lot of times sd is his heart.. Ok.. Then once he said she is the center of our lives.. Wtf... So me and my kids lives suppose to revolve around her? I feel resentment rising my blood boiling.

findingserenity's picture

Oh I forgot, sd gave me an attitude the other day and I confronted her about it, but daddy defended her and told she didnt do anythiOh I forgot, sd gave me an attitude the other day and I confronted her about it, but daddy defended her and told she didnt do anything wrong. Wow... So from now on, I wont take care of her unless daddy is here, I will not be responsible over a child I cannot correct or discipline.

findingserenity's picture

They were separated for almost 4 years then got divorced. I reprimand my kids when they do something wrong, he is more strict with our kids, im afraid they will feel resentment like I do when they get older.
Shes 12yo.

findingserenity's picture

He refuses to talk about the issues we need to deal with, the boundaries and expectations to make this stepfamily to work. I am thinking going to counselling by myself if hes not interested, I want to be a happy person again and I do need advice to know what I should do, what I can do to make my life and my kids life better.

herewegoagain's picture

Are you kidding? How did you end up with not one, but TWO kids with this ahole? Sorry, but I think he is way out of line...and I also think that it's ridiculous to have gotten pregnant with two kids with a man who treats your kids together so differently...very sad.

findingserenity's picture

Im sorry about it.. And yes,i dont want my kids feel second class to sd, thats why I give them the utmost love and attention I can, both of them. I dont have favoritism.

Kes's picture

Your husband is not valuing what he has all the time - ie, you and the 2 kids - he is only able to value what is absent ie the SD. This feels like it dates back to his own childhood - such strong, dysfunctional feelings.
If you go along with it he will only get worse, and your kids will grow up to either resent or yearn for their indifferent father, like he yearns for his daughter.

In your position, I would insist that either he acknowledge his problem and got professional help over this, or I leave the marriage.

findingserenity's picture

Thats what I realized.. He was a lonely man, and I guess he thought marrying and having kids again will make him happy and fill in the emptiness in his life, but he is dragging us down, my kids and I. If he wanted sd, he should have fought for custody, but hes just lazy and wont take care of a child like now.

Mrsbmckee's picture

I understand what you are going through. As women I also feel that it is hard for us to accept that our DH made the decision to spend his life with someone else, but when that didn't work out we feel almost as if we are the back up plan. My relationship is far from perfect but with DH who won't even look at your POV you have to decide to make it yourself if you want to stay.

Try to realize that even though he says things about his daughter and compares your children to her. They are also yours and you can make decisions for them, like the dentist, without him. If he doesn't understand that it is in the best interest of your child then he is just being ridiculous and will ultimately understand that he is wrong. Also, try to remember that everyone makes mistakes and although he will never refer to his child as a mistake. Marrying that first wife might have been. He is with you now because he wants to be. Men who have gone through a prior marriage know what they don't want because they have already had that.

As far as him being doting...I try to remember that DH gets to see my son everyday and the skids not as frequently. My son will be better off by having a father that disciplines him and although may be tougher, my son isn't going to be a disrespectful brat because of it. So in the end it is really better that my son have a full time dad that cares enough about him to make him a good person. In situations like these, it is sad, because both bio parents feel like they don't have all the time they would like so kids don't get discipline or structure. It is really sad for them because it is not their fault and they will suffer for it until they are adults and (might) make the choice to be different--or find someone who will give them everything they want in life.

Resentment is a very difficult thing. In the end you have to make the choice to just get over it. I know communication is key in a relationship but when I told my DH i resented him it got worse..and now when we argue he resents me. You might try fixing other things before letting him know you feel this way.

I know it is so hard. I am going through a rough patch myself. I don't know if it will work yet. But here is my plan of action.

1. I do what I want to with my son. I am enrolling him in swimming lessons and if DH wants to go he can.
2. When skids are here, I will be nice, friendly, disciplinary, etc. Just as if it was my son. The love obviously wont be there but all the children will be treated the same. (What DH wants)
3. My DH has to start supporting me, being affectionate, and putting our relationship first. If he doesn't then I am not going to stay. Children will always be a priority but the husband and wife need to be strong supportive and loving to show the children what a relationship should be.
4. If things have not changed and he can't be the man I need in my life then there is no point to be unhappy. I am making the decision to be happy if that included him and his children or not.

Good luck to you. I have no idea if my marriage is going to work but you might have a DH that will listen if you give him what he wants. Maybe he will give you what you want.

findingserenity's picture

Thank u for the advice, as much as I want to do things for my kids, I am limited, im a stay at home mom right now, cant drive, husband wont teach me. I treat his kids right, take care of their needs and try to be fair with both sd and my bios but husband demands I love them like my own, the thing is, hes a lazy father, he wants his kids here all the time but leaves evertthing to me, wont stay in the house but rather chat with neighbor or do yardwork while I slave myself in the house.i started relaxing, I dont cook bfast for them anymore and when theyre here I hang outside. Im not glorified nanny especially if I cant discipline them when they do wrong.

hippiegirl's picture

I would leave my husband if he ever said crap like that to me. He knows how I feel about his effing kids and the cow who spawned them. Oh, and I would have swam in that goddamned pool before sd had a chance to. }:)

findingserenity's picture

Believe me, I dont want to wait
for that day my kids realized their father lives for his favorite daughter.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I honestly think a marriage can't work like that.You should be the centre of his life, the marriage and the relationship that you have with each other.Only if that foundation is set right everything else can work out in the craziness of a stap family.The children should be a priority, too, but not THE priority or THE centre of the adults life.
I love my kids sooo much, and I grow also steadily closer to genuinly like little SD 7, but it doesn't mean it should be all about them.No way,I realise that if we wouldn't have put the adult relationship as the centre piece on the step family table, we would probably not be together anymore.Kids are kids, they are our most precious and wonderful gift we receive (not like a possession though of course:), but when they are allowed to set the rules and behave as if they are the adults/decision makers in the house, the marriage WILL suffer and often resent is created, especially in stepfamilies.Plus, it is not healthy and good for them either.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

You need a drivers licence!!!!!! This is not good for your confidence. try to find a way .

byebyebirdie's picture

You seriously need find a way to gain your independence . As I read through your post I am actually worried you. are being abused in some way?, this man want to keep you captive by not allowing you to drive, you cant even fill a pool without his permission . I am worried for you

ashleysexymama1's picture

Have you ever talked to him about this? and if so what dose he say? how old is she?

findingserenity's picture

Oh last sat was planned hes gonna teach me how to drive but the had a sudden chage of mind and decided to mow the lawn instead, I was pissed. But let it pass. Then come monday, were gonna do laundry in the laundrymat, we have th kids with us so I asked him if I can bring the kids to the water pak instead as its hot and ds will just be running around but he said we have a plan and cant change his plan for the day.he offered thurs when sd gets here. I totally lost my cool an told him so we cant go becaus sd isnt here, what are we?tag alongs? We cant have fun unless ur daughter is here?deal wih ur daddy guilt but dont make us suffet.its unfair