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Bm suddenly wigging... Advice asap please :(

msg1986's picture

When Dh and Bm went to court it was established that Dh would get 3 wks in the summer. We're on our first week of that visitation and Bm text dh demanding to talk to Ss. I feel like she did this to try to see if Dh was off work this week with Ss-Dh is not off. Ss is with my brother who is babysitting him right now. My brother is 22. Dh said he's with the babysitter and now Bm is flipping out demanding that Dh bring Ss back to her because he's not physically with Dh and according to her, he's in violation of the CO. The CO does mention first right of refusal but it's worded like this: If either parent is unable to exercise his/her scheduled period of responsibility with the child for more than 24 hrs, he/she shall first contact the other parent to determine if the other parent can take care of the child. Is Dh in violation? She's saying she's going to call the cops. Does she have grounds to call the cops for something like this??? Ss will go back to his moms this weekend and then will return for another week vacation at the beginning of August. At that time we will be off. There is no way Bm expects Dh to take off 3 weeks every summer for this… thoughts?? Dh is kind of freaking out.


msg1986's picture

He's 7

ChiefGrownup's picture

Get out your copy of the CO and have it ready in case cops show up. When they read it, they will leave peacefully and tell bm she's out of line.

24 hours means 24 hours. It does not mean "while I'm at my regular job." I presume skid is babysit 9 or so hours. That leaves 15 more hours before anyone besides BM would care. She will get her hand slapped for bothering the police. And you keep the writeup from police so you can show it to judge next time you do land in court for any other reason.

SS won't even know about the police so he won't be upset. No police are going to take him when dh is clearly not in violation of anything.

BethAnne's picture

I don't have any real experience to base this on, but personally I would make sure you have copies of the court order to hand, should the police show up on your door, plus any copies of emails etc where they agreed on the dates for the summer visitation.

Avoid letting BM know who the baby sitter is or where your brother lives, he doesn't need to be involved in this.

And then I would call her bluff. Ignore her or send some bland statement that interference with court ordered visitation is violation of the court order and she would be in contempt of the court order should she try to remove SS from your husbands care.

The wording of the court order with regards to ROFR is fairly clear from what you have written and your husband is fine having SS at the babysitters during the day. If your husband flounders and agrees to send SS to BM's this will only be the start of more interference from her. He needs to be certain of his rights and stick by the court order, which is in his favor in this case, and not lower himself to take BM's bait but remain calm and respond only with facts.

Maxwell09's picture

Firstly calling the cops is the biggest bluff, even if BM does call them MOST of the time they won't do anything.
Secondly your DH needs to send her the copy of the order with the 24 hour part highlighted and then ignore her after that. She's just fussing for attention and to cause problems to feel relevant. Like we could forget they exist anyway!

BethAnne's picture

This just sets a bad president. The court order is clear. She agreed to it and signed it. Now she has to live with it. If she wants it changed she can go to court and argue her case with a judge.

Can you imagine how disruptive it would be to have to send the skids to BM's house every time that dad can't be with them 100%? He has a right to uninterupted time with his child. As does BM, do you think that she is with her child 100% of the time when she has him? Unless the child is home-schooled I severely doubt that, and even then I bet he spends time with friends and family. And SS is just fine for being in the care of teachers. He will be just fine in the care of a babysitter.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Also I find it a Frankenstein effect on changeover days at is, with kids zigging from one parent and trying to remember to zag at the other parent's in one day. Het up kids. Couldn't imagine doing it on what are supposed to be regular full days with us. BM will get him full of her assholery for 8 hours then he's supposed to have dinner at your house and then go back to hers in the morning? No way. You'll get Frankenkid.

WTF...REALLY's picture

"scheduled period of responsibility with the child for more than 24 hrs"

He is not in violation. Its unrealistic that the dad is not going to work. She needs to let it go. I like the highlighter idea.

MamaDuck's picture

A judge told BM "of course he goes to work, how else will he pay to support his child" (she didn't want SO having SD on his work days, she failed.)

All the above are correct, he is not violating the CO, a part of being a responsible parent is a) having a job to support children and b) arranging suitable and safe childcare during work hours. Does your DH remember what was discussed re/ the ROFR, did he and BM discuss work/childcare? (not that is matters, CO states ROFR is for a period of 24 consecutive hrs or more).

And IF the police turned up, the can't just take the child, they need a warrant for that, one wouldn't be given so quickly for something like this.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It is highly unlikely the police would respond for a ROFR violation. Most child custody issues are civil, not criminal - if the police do respond they are there to keep the peace, not take any direct action.

If BM tells the truth the father is at work and the child is with a babysitter - the police will not consider it criminal and will probably not respond at all. If they do, once they see the CO they will leave.