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Bm strikes again with demands. Are we handling this right?

msg1986's picture

A while back Bm text dh demanding a change to the time Ss gets dropped off at our home for dhs visitation. Basically what was going on was that her dh had a change in his work schedule and so she was demanding to change drop off from 4pm to 8pm because they operate on 1 vehicle. Dh said no, drama ensued but dh stood firm on his decision and she backed off. Welllll Bm text yesterday demanding the same thing, saying that if she has to wake up at 5am to take her husband to work that it's not in the best interest of Ss because he doesn't wake up for school until 6:30 and that dh needs to work with her blah blah blah. Dh told her he still didn't want to do that and so Bm then proceeded to tell dh, via text of course, that she was changing the drop off time regardless of what he thought and he could take her to court but that no judge would penalize her for changing the time because she shouldn't have to get ss up early to take her husband to work. Mind you, her dhs job is 15 min from their place AND she'd only have to do that on Fridays. What are your thoughts in this? Dh told her that every time ss is late he will file a police report to document what's going on and will not hesitate to file a contempt order. Her tone definitely changed in her response to that in which she basically was saying she's just what's in ss best interest. I don't understand how that's in his best interest though? His best interest is to have consistency in his schedule, right? I also don't understand why her husband can't go home during lunch (she's claims he's working 12 hr schedule so an hour lunch is given no?) and get her while ss is at school so she can have a car. There are other options. I don't understand why she think we need to alter things for her husbands schedule. If dh does have to file contempt do you think a judge would side with her? When we went to court she tried pulling the same crap and the judge said "no, we need to figure out a set time" ughhh I also can't believe after all the shit she pulled with the cops 2 weeks ago that she'd even have the nerve to ask dh to work with her. Wtf. Thought?


Disneyfan's picture

Can your husband pick the kid up from school?

If the car is her husband's, then he can't be forced to hand it over to make drop off/pick up easier for mom and dad.

The two parents have to figure this out. That may mean mom dropping the kid off later or dad picking him up. Their decision should not impact stepdad at all. Not his kid,not his problem.

msg1986's picture

Nope dh can't pick ss up from school because he gets out at 1 and when he and Bm went to court dh went thru hell with his job to make sure he was off at 3:30 to recv ss at 4 because at that time Bm requested to change drop off to 4 from 5 because of her dhs schedule. This was in February of this year.

The car belongs to Bm. When she and her now dh got together he had 2 cars but he sold them both and he now uses Bms car so technically speaking the stepdad doesn't have a car but Bm refuses to work so he utilizes it.

Disneyfan's picture

Well, since he's the one providing income for the household,she has to go with what he wants.

If she drops the kid off 4 hours late,then they should agree that he is returned 4 hours late.

Maxwell09's picture

think of it this way: A year from now is switching drop off going to really effect anything? I say if your DH isn't losing any time from switching then just do it. If BM wants a later drop off then she can also pick up the skid later too. What is your DHs reason for refusing?

msg1986's picture

Dh doesn't want to change because of a few things. The first is that we wake up at 5 during the week so if dh starts dropping ss off at 8 on Sunday's then he won't be home until 9 and that really interferes with our routine on Sunday nights as we get ready for the week. Dh also doesn't want to change because he feels it's important for ss have enough to wind down at Bms and his bedtime is 8 so he'd be getting dropped off and going straight to bed. And lastly Dh doesn't feel like agreeing to this because of the way Bm is. She is constantly asking for changes and yet if dh asks for anything bm downright nasty. 2 weeks ago she had the police dept call our home at midnight because she was mad that ss was with a sitter while dh was at work fr 7-4. She's a mean nasty person 95% of the time and the only time she's somewhat polite is when she wants something.

Disneyfan's picture

But if they go back to court and the judge sees that mom is willing to give dad extra time on Sunday in exchange for the late drop off, she will look like the reasonable one.

Can dad pick the kid up from mom's house after work? If that works, then mom should agree to picking the kid up from dad on Sundays.

There has to be a solution that doesn't involve the stepdad.

twoviewpoints's picture

While I totally get what you're saying, judges can an are very unpredictable. Some weight in OP'S DH corner is the fact kiddo has school Monday morning. If I recall correctly this child is seven-ish . Delaying drop off could be viewed as disruptive to SS's bedtime. Just as the BM claims getting kid up at 5am on Friday isn't 'best interest' of the child (lack of sleep/sleepy for Friday school day.

The difference is BM's lack of more than one vehicle and getting SF to work is not the OP'S DH problem. Neither is it the courts concern when it comes to the current CO. Before court last winter, BM wouldn't do pick-up/drop-off and Dad was doing all transport. BM even tried to get exchange at 5pm, but 4pm was ordered. SF's work schedule change is technically a mute point. SF can find a ride to work with someone else, BM can drive him or SF can jog to work (extreme) as to how he gets there or what his changing work schedules are does not a 'crisis' make for Dad.

On the other hand, a four hour delay can make a significant impact on Dad's first evening of CO visitation. Dad is the one with a CO time and taking the huge majority of the initial evening out can and will screw with and routine and/or potential activity plans in his household. He would basically be receiving his kid at bedtime. Dad has arranged his work schedule to accommodate the visitation he was granted. Switching out a extended Sunday evening for the current Friday does not equate.

Is it a 'hill to die' on? IDK, but I can certainly see it as an issue to not take lightly at the whim of SF's work/vehicle problems. Dad just spent time, effort and expense to get the CO'd to what it currently is. I actually view SF's new problem as an irrelevant concern to OP'S DH. This is BM's personal issue/problem and one she needs to figure out on her own

msg1986's picture

Thank you twoviewpoints. It's interesting that you bring up that point of it of it being too late because in court the judge said she didn't want to set up an exchange later than 5pm because ss is so young and needs time to wind down before school on Monday.

msg1986's picture

Oh my, if dh EVER tried to change anything bc of me, Bm would have a shit fit. Its just silly because when they first went to court the time was changed from 5 to 4 BC of her dhs schedule and dh was trying to compromise but yet again here we are with her wanting to change the time.

Cadence's picture

Tell her that you're going to continue going by the court order, as it was made with SS's best interests in mind, and it worked for both households.

She is making voluntary choices about her lifestyle that don't align with the court order, and that is not your household's problem to solve for her. In the short term, she and her husband need to find a way to adhere to the custody order.

Tell her that you will be happy to reasonably work with her to legally formalize a change that works well for BOTH households and either maintains or increases DH's time with his son. Since her voluntary choices are driving her request to change the order, she'll have to be the one to pay to formalize changes legally. And until it's in legal documents, you expect the current custody order to be followed.

moeilijk's picture

You are waaaay too much up in BMs business!! She really overshares, doesn't she!

Her reasons and explanations are irrelevant. If the CO schedule is important to you guys to follow (like you said above, your DH jumped through hoops to get 4pm arranged with his work), then just stick to it.

If you guys can work it out so that it's not inconvenient to you, then why not? Just make sure you don't go out of your way, you know she won't help you.

Her DH's work schedule, what she thinks is best for SS, what time she or SS wakes up while at her house are none of your business! Why is she cluttering your lives with this? lol!

msg1986's picture

Lol you are totally right, we know waaaay too much about her life. She overshares so much to try to get sympathy from dh. Dhs whole thing is that he'd be willing to work with her if it was an hour but 4 hours? No way. dh is pretty much losing a day with ss. Even if Bm is offering for dh to drop him later it doesn't make sense because we do things as a family on Friday nights with both ss and dd so ss would basically be showing up to go to bed on Fridays.

MamaDuck's picture

So she's to drop SK off at the beginning of your DH's time and he drops off at the end of his time?? Could they swap? He picks up at 4pm, keeping CO time the same, and she picks up at the end, still sharing the transport.

msg1986's picture

That's a thought that dh hadnt considered. I'll share this with him. Thank you!

msg1986's picture

Right? I don't know why they sold their other cars but at the end of the day that's not my business. You're absolutely right that their transportation issues are not dhs problem. It's exhausting already though. I don't understand why she seems to think she can just make changes to the CO without dhs agreement. She has an attitude like she's doing dh some sort of favor to see ss when it's his right as ss father to see him and spend time with him.