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Daisee1203's picture

I have been a member for a few years. But now I am at my wit's end and desperately need support. I have exhausted all options, I know. If there are more, please leave them below.

My history:
Married in 2013. SS is now 10. Husband and I have a child together now.

The issues:
SS has:
- harmed animals
- threatened to blow up his school
- threatened other kids with a gun (his idiot BM bought him one)
- Lies about everything (recently told me his friend did a family tree that confirmed his friend is related to Hercules - a mythical character. When I pointed this out, he was insistent, like always, that what he says is true. Stupid examples, but SS lies about everything - big and small)
- Makes crappy grades - BM refused to take him to mandatory tutoring
- Behavior problems in school
- BM refuses to help him with his bed wetting problem and still has to wear pull up style underwear. husband asked for him to be on meds to help his body and she refuses
***All of this and more has been reported to teachers, CPS and his current counselor*** No one takes it seriously. We begged his mom to take him to therapy (she's the only one that can) and for 2 years she refused. Ignored anything sent to her that was a concern. I think she herself is a psychopath or narc. But nonetheless, we tried. We think someone maybe at his school called because suddenly, just a few months ago, she started taking him but that therapist isn't treating any of this serious.

Recent issues:
- Hurt our dog...again.
- tried to physically intimidate me after I gave him a boundary. He refused to leave and stared at me like he would slit my throat if he had a knife - no lie. He makes these really evil looks. He did the same to a family friend - she says it's something out of a movie. Just tries to glare right through me. Only does this to me...never his dad. Only does it when he's alone with someone. Possibly has done this to BM but we would never know. She refuses to discuss anything.

I feel really alone. I am scared he will hurt our baby one day. I really am. I have told my husband I do not trust him.

I have tried it all...kept dog with me, watching him, etc. I am on my own. My husband attends therapy on his own and is just beginning to see the level of denial he has. So while he is making progress it is slow and it is ME...all me, juggling the balls trying to keep an eye on him, our baby, etc.

I'm just at my wit's end you know? We just have a few more days left of him and then we will get another break. But the more time passes, the older he gets and I am not at all looking forward to that. I have no one to talk to. I am trying to start therapy but I can't find one taking new clients.

Thank you

Daisee1203's picture

SS is on BM's insurance and he cannot be taken to therapy without both parent's permission.
Our insurance only covers individual sessions, too. It does not cover group/couple/family and DH goes on nights we do not have SS.

Daisee1203's picture

NOTHING! This is what is so maddening.

His mom kept it to herself. We only found out b/c a copy of the report was in his folder. DH called the school immediately and asked WTH is going on. He spoke to the school counselor who literally told us "I used this as a teachable moment and he promised he would never do it again" :jawdrop:

We found out about the threatening of a student with a gun, via the counselor. His mom didn't even know about it. All was shared with her and his personal counselor. No response. DH spoke with the principal who was beyond shocked no one told him...not the teachers, not the counselor. He assured DH it would never go down like this again.

A few weeks after is when BM started doing all kinds of "motherly" things - like someone was watching. So it makes us think maybe someone at the school called family services.

CricketinTexas's picture

^^^THIS^^^^ I would get him out of my home immediately and he would not be welcomed back with out getting help.

Daisee1203's picture

I agree. We did this already. Told his therapist and were guilted and forced into taking him back. The therapist said, "There's nothing at this time that indicates he will hurt you or the baby". She basically made it seem like we were "uninformed new parents" (even though we are nearly 40 and DH obviously has a child already), being over-reactive. Dh got multiple emails from BM saying that we were emotionally abusing him, but when asked about his actions and how they were harmful, said nothing. This was all brought up to the therapist and family services.

The therapist convinced us "things would be ok" and we were doing more harm keeping him away. We walked away feeling very defeated. But this time, if he does it again, he's out for 90 days and a firm word that there is something in place to keep everyone safe. The therapist was informed of this, as was SS.

CloudCuckooLand's picture

Why would you let a quack make decisions on your behalf if you don't agree with them? You are absolutely right to have fears about this kid and protect your baby. Therapist doesn't decide what you are comfortable with, YOU do.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I'd be scared too! Is there a way to make sure you aren't alone with him anymore? Nanny cam is needed to catch his threating behavior since he only does it when you're alone. Shoot, screw the nanny cam just start wearing a go pro like the police and when he asks what it is for, tell him. Poor doggie.

Daisee1203's picture

I am alone with him as little as possible. That particular day was a flop because he was supposed to go to a special camp but it poured most of the day and the camp (all outdoors) was closed, so he was home with me.
LOL@ wearing a go pro. I'm laughing but secretly feel it is brilliant.

Daisee1203's picture

No one takes it serious enough to get an IEP. DH has asked and it is brushed off. One AP told him "I don't know what that is". Truly. He asked the school counselor and she said even though it was serious, "they aren't there yet". But after this, the principal said he would take future issues far more seriously. And then suddenly, BM kind of snapped into shape.

CloudCuckooLand's picture

In my state, if a child threatens another child at school, bomb threat or direct threat, the school board requires a mental health eval done and therapy. It is s safety issue for the other kids and schools have a duty to protect. If school counselor did not mobilize on this, or principal, I would be going up the chain until someone took it seriously.

If another parent found out that this kid threatened and school did nothing, this would be bad news bears for school.

Daisee1203's picture

Unfortunately, it was not taken seriously. That is part of the problem. People don't see the string of issues. After lots of problems at his first school, his mom suddenly moved and took him to another school. My husband did submit his records but no one really cared at the new school. He started off with all kinds of issues. My husband requested meetings - no one took it seriously. He told him warning signs and what to expect. It wasn't until Feb that school year, that the teachers were fed up. They finally called us back in and said something needed to be done. He had talks with the counselor, principal, AP...behavior record after record. But when we talked with the AP, we were told "He's not in here every day". It's honestly so stupid. This school year was no better and his grades really dropped. It was all repeat until this incident. It was kept from the principal until his dad had a meeting. Principal was stunned.
There is nothing the school board or district requires. We looked into it and called the main office. They said it is up to the school principal.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Until things get straightened out, tell your DH you will not be home alone with SS. If DH is not going to home with him, he needs to stay w/BM. When he is in your home, keep dog and baby with you and DH can be w/SS.

If you can't guarantee that he will no longer be in a position to hurt the dog, then you need to find the dog another home. If SS hurts the dog, and the dog bites him, the dog is the one who will pay the price. Not fair, but a good possibility.

If DH ever gets his act together and realizes the extent of SS's problems, he needs to modify the CO so he has the authority to get his son the services he needs. Just because SS is on BM's insurance does not mean she is the only one who can take him to a doctor - unless the CO is written that way.


Daisee1203's picture

- Dog will not be going anywhere - it is the innocent party. He is not allowed to be alone with her. Dog usually stays in another area or with us when he's here.
- We have tried what you suggested.... Mom sent relentless emails, contacted his therapist and cried crocodile tears that SS "was being emotionally abused" by us and "he doesn't deserve to be thrown away". Complete BS. I am not playing around this time...if he does it again, he will not be back here for a long time. DH is on board too. We have told him.
- Yes, CO is written that way. Not a medical doctor but a psych doctor...only she can approve services.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You missed my point about the dog. It is because he is an innocent party that I said he should go somewhere else for awhile. If your SS teases the dog, and the dog reacts by biting him, there is the possibility that the dog could have to be put down. Areas are different, in some one bad bite to a kid would be enough for the dog to be put down.

I didn't mean to send him to a shelter or to get rid of him permanently - just find a place for him to stay until SS is under control or out of your house.

Daisee1203's picture

Dog stays in kennel or with us - in our room or in the living room. SS stays upstairs. He is not allowed to be alone with dog. We are diligent in watching. If i can't keep an eye on her, she comes with me to the bathroom, etc or is put in her kennel.

In our area, dog has to bite 2x and be reported both times. 3rd time it gets put down. I know this because we had a family dog this happened to. She's never bit anyone. And honestly, if she bit him...well too bad. He likely deserved it.

Journey Perez's picture

OMG! im so sorry! you guys have your hands full. I don't know how you contained yourself after the kid hurt your dog. It would take everything in me not to beat the breaks off that kid! You fk with my dog, game over!

On eggshells's picture

Here are some avenues for help, if you haven't already tried them...

See if your county offers any counseling through family services. I attended one with SD and it was very reasonable cost for a couple months worth of sessions. I know it's not much but it's something and might get foot in the door for something else. If they see red flag they might offer more. No insurance would be needed, so no need for mom to sign. Dad's should be enough.

TALK to someone at family services - I mean in person, and tell them your concerns and maybe they will be able to offer you some options.

Does he have an IEP or BIP at school? You could ask for a child study and maybe at least get regular sessions with school counselor. Or, maybe school counselor/psychologist will have suggestions.

I don't think it's unreasonable to request to DH that you not be left alone with him. This seems like a time bomb to me... something huge will happen and then all will come to light in an unavoidable way.

If he HURTS SOMEONE or himself he needs to go to an inpatient program. Research pediatric facilities near you. Typically they only keep kids for a week or two. Sounds like if nothing else is done, it could come to this. This is what happend with my oldest SD. It was a serious mess. She ended up staying in the hospital for two months. She is seriously dangerous and she's been released now, BM doesn't give a crap about her getting her meds and I'm telling you, it's a matter of time til she really hurts someone and ends up in prison or mental facility for a LONG time.

Daisee1203's picture

Thanks for actually putting a list of ideas out here. I really appreciate it. Truly. Here are my responses:

- We did that - we contacted multiple places. I nor my husband can take him to any counselor, even if we pay for it ourselves because his mom has to give permission - it's in the CO. He is in counseling right now. Husband can take him to this counselor but can't start him on a new one. I mean we could for maybe 2-3x but once she found out, she would discontinue services - she has total legal right.

- I could go talk to someone. That is a good idea and one I had not considered. I have called and made reports. I also have called the state help hotline and got some resources but it went back to square 1 because of the issue above.

- Husband inquired about IEP. Idk what a BIP is. But he did ask about that or a Plan of Care. It was brushed off - twice - to separate times.
- Husband and I agree no more of him and I alone together. Husband is definitely understanding and is in agreement that if he acts like this again - to anyone, including dog, he's out of here for a very long time.

- I WISH we could get him into a place. Husband has emailed his mom so many times. She just clicks to open the message so it shows read but either doesn't read it or reads and doesn't respond. We asked for an in person chat - she refused. She just simply will not do anything. She doesn't say he doesn't do any of this at her house but she offers zero support. Honestly, I think she is BPD or Narc....She is very inconsistent and unemotional. She lies like it's her job and manipulates anything or anyone she can. Because she realizes she can't manipulate my husband anymore she never wants to talk to him. I agree with you and am scared - I think it will be a dark road he's about to embark on.

Sadly, during a custody incident a few months ago, we met a super nice cop. He told us that the justice system is not at all set up to prevent anything or really hold anyone accountable until it gets really bad and serious. He says he sees it every day. So he said it must come from home. And if home doesn't give it, then it's very hard for the kid. I'm glad my husband heard this but it was sad b/c I know if something isn't done fast and soon...SS is screwed. He deserves a chance at a good life.

Daisee1203's picture

Not looking to exclude at all. SS has told us and his counselor many times that he feels included and loved in our home - always has. So I'm not sure what you are suggesting but it is definitely not that. lol But thanks for suggesting something "obvious".

Daisee1203's picture

I can't personally do anything as I have zero rights as a SP. Husband can't really do much because mom has total education rights in the CO. Husband asked about an IEP or Plan of Care. AP said she didn't know what that was. He asked again this year when incident happened about threatening to blow the school up and the counselor made it seem very light hearted. So husband feels like his hands are tied too. We definitely told the counselor who deems it serious too, but so far, nothing has really been done except talking to him. Maybe it takes time.

After what happened the other day, husband contacted counselor immediately. He is out on vacation so we are waiting to hear back.

Daisee1203's picture

Dog is now completely protected. He has no access to dog. Thanks for the concern.

chovanlyn's picture

I have a half a sister who behaved in a similar way when she was young. It did not turn out well. After drugs got involved, it became very scary. She even got the whole family held up at gun point when a drug dealer came to get his money. She was 7 years older than me and I remember being very sacred of her and hiding from her rage fits. I won't share the all of the ways she hurt me, but I wish I didn't have to grow up with that. As a mother and a wife, I understand wanting to keep it together - but think about the effect this child will have on your baby.

erasec63's picture

Do they have joint custody? If so, I would insist that SS be in psychotherapy continuously, and that all of you participate in family counseling. Why not have DH have his visitation with his son elsewhere for a while? Can he afford a motel room for weekends? Maybe he can simply take him places with no overnights until, or if there is a change in his behavior.

If the child has psychological issues, and it seems he does, the new baby may have worsened any fears or feelings he has.

Harming the dog is a big red flag. My SD grabbed my cockatiel by the wings and put him in another cage when she was just 4. I knew that was an indication of a problem-her mother is like your BM. Psych, self-centered and unwilling to address the children's problems. When she was 6 BM became homeless and SD came to live with us by court order. We immediately put her in therapy-play therapy-and it helped immensely. Three years she has been back with her mother-by court order, and last weekend she tried to force the cat outside. He scratched her trying to get inside-he is terrified to go outside. I told her this numerous times. Then I told her she had to take responsibility for her actions-the cat scratched her because she picked him up and threw him in the air and tried to force him outside. She ran and cried on the bed.

These psycho BMs raise psycho kids and the courts allow it.