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Married 1 Year - Thinking Divorce B/C of SS (Long)

Daisee1203's picture

I'm so sad to even be writing this kind of post. I NEVER thought this would be an issue I had to deal with in my life. This is very long, so get a cup of coffee...I'll try to condense it.

Met husband in 2012. Engaged 9 months after dating. His son was 6 at the time. Husband had been divorced for 4 years. BM had been dating here and there. I was his dad's first and only serious relationship since their divorce. Initially, my now husband had shared that their son had some problems in school. After a while, I began to realize his issues were far more frequent than typical kids. I had nannied, taught pre-school, was a counselor for different ages and served as a mentor for girls in middle school. I had baby sat since I was 14. I am familiar with kids. My mom is also a counselor and I have a big interest in development in children, so there is that, too. I'm no expert, but I'd like to think I'm at least informed. I'm 37 - no spring chicken, either.

We had a pretty good immediate bond and to this day he tells me he loves me and talks very positively to his mom and therapist about me. I moved in about 1 month before we got engaged. There was some adjustment issues but I thought they were small enough that they would be conquered with a few growing pains as time went on. I'm sad to say that I am considering divorce now because things are pretty bad or not any better. And SS actions are now beginning to affect me, despite anything I try or do.

SS is now in 3rd grade. Since I have been in the picture, he has been in trouble in school at least 1x a week. Bad enough that the teachers to send a note home or a call comes from the administrators. He lies so much, I'm not sure what is truth and what is not. He has lied about other people including teachers, me and his dad. I'm sure his mom, too. I used to think maybe since he was a kid, some details were just wrong...they do that. But after awhile, I see first hand he simply lies. He lies to get out of anything and everything, constantly saying "I didn't know!" or "I forgot!". Or tells a lie so big that you just know it isn't true - like someone finding a 1 billion dollar bill. Stuff like that.

Shortly after I moved in and saw more up close, I urged my husband to take him to therapy. Since the BM had control over the psych stuff it was up to her. She drug her feet for months. She finally took him and the first counselor said he needed rules and boundaries. Here's the thing: I have them. But I saw my now husband and BM do not. This all came out in therapy. Husband said over and over he would "try". I don't feel he has tried as hard as he can but there have been some small changes: he now gives consequences (has for about 1.5 year) and we now have house rules posted, thanks to me. We don't know what happens at BM's house because she refuses to discuss anything. When my husband started implementing rules, she wrote very rude emails to him begging him to stop and that he was now "hated" by their son. The therapist encouraged both of them to continue with their rules. However, his teacher in 2nd grade said that he knew very well which parent he could control and admitted to doing it often in school, telling her and his friends. But BM swore up and down that she was giving him rules. It was all really confusing: She gave the rules and consequences supposedly (and wanted them to match exactly at both houses) but then begged my husband to stop giving him rules so he wouldn't be "hated". She is a piece of work herself - lies all the time and does very inappropriate things with SS but today, this is about SS.

More recently, it was brought to our attention by BM that SS had strangled their family dog...TWICE! Immediately we all met with the quack of the second therapist (the first therapist dropped SS for reasons still unknown) and talked about the issue. I took special care to make sure that SS knew that it is ok to express himself...so much so, that I created a "feelings box" that had all kinds of things in it to express feelings. But when I found this out I also became scared.

I'm 37. I do not have children of my own and want them...TODAY. Part of the stress in our life is that DH is wishy washy about having more children because of the issues with SS. Like he thinks he isn't a good dad (that is what he tells me) and wouldn't be a good dad to others. He is also scared that I will divorce him right after we have a baby b/c that is what his ex wife did to him. I have considered leaving only for this reason but now since I'm scared I'm wondering if this isn't the right idea?

I'm scared to have kids around SS. I truly am. Today it was reported that he "accidentally" stabbed another student with a pencil. I reminded my husband that this is 2nd time his son has used a pencil in school inappropriately. The last time, he threatened another student that reported him doing something wrong to the teacher. This is the umpteenth time he has harmed another student, whether it's a fight, an "accident", "playing", etc.

Have I mentioned he is at a new school?! Yep. BM thought running away from their problems would "fix" it all. Instead, he has just picked up right where he left off.

Here are the issues:
- I'm scared to bring a baby into all of this, thus beyond sad b/c I feel like I have to give up MY dreams for someone else's kid. I told my husband that I can see him possibly harming an infant or toddler if he gets mad or frustrated. He admitted to harming the dog and our dog...or at least trying. But our dog is kind of rowdy and basically put him in his place so he said. (YAY!!!!)
- SS speaks to me very rudely. It takes me saying 3-4x to "STOP" before my husband steps in and says something and that's if he's paying attention. More than half the time there is no consequence other than "Don't speak to her that way".
- SS lies to me and his dad. Homework, behavior, items left at his mom or dad's, grades, etc...nothing is off limits.
- BM doesn't seem to really care that any of this is happening. We have tried to send many messages of concern. There is little to no response. He has told the therapist but he does nothing. Since husband has no right to psych services, he can't do anything like take him to another one.
- We went to a new attorney (current attorney is a joke) and they said to try to change his rights we have to wait at least 1 year and then make the request.
- SS and Husband expect me to do everything: laundry, cook, clean, etc. I have cried and begged to my husband for help and he will do only minimal things. He will put laundry on but not fold it. He only cooks if I ask him to. He doesn't expect SS to do anything, even though I encourage it and ask for him to give him some responsibility. Like he is totally fine if he sits around all weekend watching TV...that kind of thing.
- I'm realizing that maybe my husband IS not a good father. I wonder if I shouldn't just try to go my own way so I can have a family of my own?

I was seeing a therapist but recently became unemployed. I have no one to talk to except my husband and an understanding friend who has her own issues with her husband. She helps in terms of listening but I have nowhere to vent regularly. I want to tell my mom or aunt but I'm scared they won't understand. They think my husband is the nicest guy. And he can be...almost too nice. Or he's an @ss by what he doesn't do, if that makes sense?

Am I crazy?
Is this "normal"?
WTH should I do?
How can I take care of myself here? this is my first marriage...

Pilgrim Soul's picture

How about you think of this as a trial run? First and least memorable of all marriages you could make in your lifetime? 37 is young! Let me be the first to say, Run! Don't walk. Save yourself.

This kind of kid needs serious interventions and will be in a therapeutic residential placement by the time he is in high school with a diagnosis of conduct disorder, and then some. BM is worse than useless: she seems to be a toxic influence invested in her son's dysfunction on some level and even more invested in poisoning your family life. What normal mother would not run to get her child help if he was so out of control? She prefers to tell your husband he is now hated for giving consequences. This is a train wreck in progress.... Your DH is ineffectual at best. Why do you need to take on his problems at the cost of your own dreams?

mdh0596's picture

Wow... your story is almost idenitical to mine.. except I did have a child with ExDH. We didn't see the issues in EXSD until too late. After she killed several baby birds at age 9 and showed no remorse and lied about it, I was done. I took my DD and left. Best thing I ever did. I even had it ordered that DD couldn't be around ExSD. ExDH and BM are still clueless today.. I think ExSD has settled down, but I don't trust any of them. My DD's safety came first.

Run now while you can... Run far away.

StepMat789's picture

It is really sad that many of us have to deal with lack of parenting in our second relationships with the skids. I guess all of us should have really looked long and hard before we entered into a marriage. I am no different. I hate the Brady Bunch...they made it look so easy! LOL

Unfortunately, the issues with the step son are going to get worse, way worse. I too would be scared to have a child much less leave a baby in the room with him for a second. If he has strangled the dog twice and stabbed classmates with pencils...he is escalating quickly. He will hurt someone someday badly.

While your heart is in the right place to try and be a good step mom and wife, this child is not yours. You do not need to stay with him or his father. If dad, is so passive to allow you live in fear...well you have your answer.

You need to remove yourself from the situation and go on and live your life. This is so much easier said than done. God Bless you and keep you safe.

Evil stepmonster's picture

My SS is a psycho who likes hurting animal and people. It doesn't get better, especially when the bio parents stick their head in the sand and won't admit there is a real problem. Run, save yourself and your future children and please take the dog with you and save him too.

Rags's picture

Do-over! I am a firm believer in and successful practitioner of the do-over. My 20 year and counting marriage to my amazing bride is my do-over marriage. If you believe firmly that SS is dangerous and that your DH is incapable or unwilling to deal with the dangerous behavior of his prior marriage spawn then leave and be safe. Learn and make your do-over successful and an improvement.

I was of the mind that your SS’s behavior was fairly normal regarding the lies, “I forgot.”s and the “I don’t know.”s and do believe that those are not abnormal behaviors for a preteen boy. Any answer to a direct question from my own Skid at that age was categorically, nearly constantly, and completely bullshit. He is one of those kids that would instantly tell people what he thought they wanted to hear. So, I quit asking his questions and instead had him tell me and show me regarding the topic at hand. Instead of “Have you done your homework?” which was answered with a firm “Yes!” before the question was completely out of my mouth I would address him with “Show me your completed homework.” Rather than giving him a chance to lie I gave him a call for action and insisted that he demonstrate completion of that call to action. It worked wonders on my stress as a Sparent.

Then … I read about your SS’s history of violence. At that point the options become clear. Either daddy starts blistering his bare ass with a belt for that bullshit behavior or you leave. If your DH does not have the character or stones to deal with parenting his evil violent and lying spawn then it is most definitely time for you to play the do-over and move on to find a man of character to have and raise your own children with.

Good luck.

furkidsforme's picture

So you have proof and evidence that your husband is a crappy father who does not want to do the work of parenting despite being told by professionals how desperately his child NEEDS him to do so..... and you WANT to have a child with him???? WHY?

Morgan Le Frayed's picture

Oi. You also, sadly, sound like me.

Geez. How do we get ourselves in these situations, huh?

I have every friend, family member and even a counselor telling me the same thing, that one piece of advice that most of the others on this forum are also giving you right now:

GET OUT NOW

I know it is hard. It's hard for me too.

Modernworld1011's picture

Either stay and do not bring more children who could be harmed into the mess, or go and find happiness somewhere else. The prior is a big sacrifice, and unless you love your husband enough to be with him and his child only, don't stay.

It is a sad thing to say, and a hard thing to hear, but this sounds like it won't end well whether you stay or go, so save yourself!

Best of luck to you!!!!