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UPDATE: BM Suddenly Being Nice

CastleJJ's picture

THERE IT IS. With SS arriving for a visit this weekend, BM is overcommunicating per usual. Usually, when BM has SS, she is radio silent for weeks, sometimes a month. But whenever SS is coming for a visit, BM emails DH 3+ times with useless information in the days leading up to his arrival. 

Email #1: BM is required to pay $400 in uninsured medical expenses per year before she can ask DH for reimbursement. She sent DH two medical bills (1 for a peds visit for a stuffy nose and 1 for a peds visit for a cold) totaling just over $120. She was "just letting DH know where she stands on out of pocket expenses so far." BM still has a ways to go to meet that $400 limit, so this was useless information - let us know when you hit that amount. 

Email #2: BM was informing DH that her wife is traveling abroad in July for a work trip and "if schedules work" BM will take SS abroad to visit her for an undisclosed amount of time - dates are still to be determined. DH laughed his ass off with this because again, we only get 4 weeks of summer break (in two two week blocks) which has to be exercised before mid-July to not interfere with football. Yet, BM plans to take SS aboard in July, which will cause him to miss... GASP... Football. DH said he is NOT giving up his limited visitation to accommodate this trip if it falls during his parenting time and will again document the double standard that SS can miss football for whatever BM wants/needs, but not for DH. 

I reminded DH that last year, right before this exact weekend visit, BM told SS they were taking him to the UK and Italy on two separate trips - one last summer and one for this upcoming spring break. It was all SS could talk about for that entire long weekend visit with us. It made the weekend unbearable. Guess what... The summer trip never happened and the spring break destination was "switched"  to Washington DC. SS told us that Washington DC was cooler anyway and he was in full support of the switch (again typical brainwashing from BM). I warned DH that BM has likely told SS about the possibility of this upcoming trip, again, right before this visit, so he will likely be all excited about it and won't be able to focus on our weekend. And all for a trip that likely won't happen. BM has been telling DH for the last 3 years that they are taking SS to Canada after a pick-up (we live an hour from the border) just to let him "step foot in another country" and cross back over. In 3 years and dozens of pick-ups, it has never happened, yet BM continues to remind DH that it *may* happen at some point.


strugglingSM's picture

Oh yes, in our case, BM would have to speak with SSs "urgently" while they were with us about some trip she was supposedly planning. We've also heard about a lot of trips that have never happened. Three years ago, SSs came in bragging about how they were planning a trip over the summer "anywhere in the world" they wanted to go. I think they may have taken a long weekend local camping trip that summer.

Also, anytime we would take skids anywhere, they would tell BM and she would either say, "you've already been there" (as if you can only go someplace once) or tell them it was "lame." 

It's all so juvenile! 

CastleJJ's picture

It's all so annoying. I think it makes it worse that BM is so civil and professional in her emails about it all too, faking the respect and politeness that she doesn't think DH deserves all while she is laughing in the background because she knows she is in full control and DH can't do anything about it.

What pisses DH and I off is that she flat out told the court that SS couldn't miss ANY football from mid-July to October or it would get him kicked off the team, be detrimental, etc. She even had a perjured testimony/letter from the coach stating that exact message because he was BM's best friend. We provided emails from the coach stating the opposite, the team schedule, everything to disprove BM's bullshit. The judge agreed with BM, which is what prevented DH from getting any extra visitation (due to long distance, summer is our only feasible option to add extra time). Every summer/football season since court, BM has pulled SS out of football for a week at minimum - family trips, a whole week for their wedding, visiting BM and GF's families out of town, etc. SS has missed weeks of practices and several games every year to suit whatever BM wants/needs. Yet SS can NEVER miss football for DH. The double standard is what really pisses us off and the fact that BM keeps rubbing our noses in it every year makes it all worse. I have gotten over and accepted most of the shit from dealing with BM and court, but the fact that she lied and based our whole custody battle on this one thing, and that football is what kept SS from having a chance to really build a great relationship with DH, will irritate me forever. 

dragonfly878's picture

Could you say that? "Thanks for the update. Sure would be a shame if SS had to miss football. I'd hate for him to get kicked off the team for missing practices, games, etc. due to the trip out of the country."

... a bit of a passive aggressive jab that is also documented... hold her ass to the fire on that one.

If he has missed football beacuse of BM- I'd have it documented and march her back into the court room with a copy of the coach's letter. "How can he miss football and be excused for you- but would be kicked off the team for spending time with me? Please help me understand that..." She can't have it both ways. 

CastleJJ's picture

It makes no difference. We fire back at BM then she lashes out but it changes nothing. She is still in control. Going to court won't make any difference either. Our judge told DH to not bring anything additional with our case back to court because he wouldn't change his ruling. The judge told us we will maintain the current arrangement until SS ages out at 18 regardless of change in circumstance or evidence. We spent way too much in court a few years ago for absolutely nothing - we aren't doing that again. Plus, DH knows that as SS gets older, he won't want to visit as much if at all due to friends, sports, significant others, jobs, etc. He is almost 12 so that time will come in the next few years. We are just maintaining and letting go, no matter how much it sucks. It isn't worth it financially, emotionally, and mentally. 

dragonfly878's picture

She's only in control to a degree- she can't entirely control SS as he's his own person who will only get older... Influence him? Absolutely. But no matter what your DH will always be his father and as much as BM wishes that were different- it will never change. Someday he will have a cell phone and DH won't need BM to communicate with him.. The older he gets do you think SS will allow BM to control his every move? He'll rebel against her... I think him getting older can only help you and bring you closer not add any more seperation. If SS has half a brain he'll see BMs antics- she's not that subtle..

Honestly I'd call her out in writing- let her reply- then print and save that shit to show SS when he's older. Save those receipts because someday he will be old enough to fully see BM as the shitbag she is- so the more you have in writing the better. She's playing such a short game... the moment he's not absolutely perfect she'll have no one else to blame but herself and seemingly her little ego can't handle that...

Rags's picture

Go pro se, bring the proof that BM is full of shit and the Judge is an idiot (respectfully at least in presentation), and never stop until the Skid reaches 18.Once he turns 18, then just keep the Skid fully informed of the facts, pointing out BM's bullshit, the Skid's sniffing of toxic mommy's ass, etc, etc, etc...

No need to make it a financial, emotional, or mental burden.  Go in with zero expectations. Go in purely to bare BM ass. Go in to repeatedly let the Judge know that BM is a toxic POS and force the Judge to stand of their Honor's idiot perspective.

Make it a hobby. Enjoy it.  If it changes things. Great. If it doesn't, you at least have documented proof that the best interests of the Skid was repeatedly pursued. Sadly shit people like BM do not stop their manipulative toxic crap so having the documented facts of regular action to reference with SS as he progressive into and through adulthood with the toxic crap of BM continuing to haunt him at least gives the high ground to you and Dad to reference when BM has to be continually countered.

Not going with expensive legal action... Go on great vacations sending SS the great pics and "Wish you were here" messages.

BM may be in control of SS, but she is not in control of you, DH, or your marriage. Keeping that message front and center for BM and SS needs to be a life long committed action by you and DH.




Harry's picture

July trip.  She wants to take SS "' wife is traveling abroad in July for a work trip "". What's going to be impossible,  with DH block of time.  Football, soccer, field hockey. Ect,   DH would have to give up his time somehow, some way.   
'Be careful, she knew this was coming up. And trying to fudge tine already.   Coach will make a one time exception.  It's will be a learning experience. Better then a, sumner school activity's B. Fiitball camp c. ?

You moving that far away doesn't help your court case. Judge don't like people moving out of there territory.  Then demanding things. As time.  Where it includes airplane travel.  It's shows that BF decided to move so far away that he can't be there for school events, sports games, activities, I.e. Halloween. School plays . Medical visits medical emergency.  Thing a father normally does. Not another schedule visut that includes trip to airport, plane, trip home from air port. 

CastleJJ's picture

We didn't move. BM and DH were living within an hour of each other for 5 years and BM relocated 6 hours away. She has sole custody so she didn't need our permission to move (we consulted an attorney). We actually moved 2 hours closer to BM a few years ago, bringing the distance to 4 hours. DH didn't choose this. 

CajunMom's picture

Whenever the BM was "nice" to us, you knew something was up. So much, me not being a gambler....I'd have headed to Vegas with a wad of cash. She NEVER did a nice thing for us that did not benefit HER. 

Stand's all you can do. And in the future, I'd do everything possible to NOT ask any favors from her. It's too costly. 

notarelative's picture

My thought is she is setting up to ruin the summer visit - aka your dad won't let you go. 

Does SS have a passport?

CastleJJ's picture

Yes, SS has a passport. And because BM has sole custody, she doesn't need DH's permission to take him. 

Rags's picture

Contempt motion.  I know the Judge is a Harry Potter robed bottom 10%er of the legal profession dipshitiot, but.... if BM interferes in COd visitation, nail her ass in court, rub the FIsher-Price wooden toddler hammer swinging robed moron's nose in BM's shit, and do it pro se so you do not spend any money.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Be BM's PITA. Have fun.


advice.only2's picture

Not the same but sort of, any time Meth Mouth got arrested again she would take my DH back to court for any reason.  Whenever he would get served out of the blue we knew to look through the police logs and court websites and sure enough it was usually with in a week of her getting busted for something.  That was always fun because at first it was every three months, then after a few years it tapered down to every six months. 

CLove's picture

I read the first and and answered "she wants something".

Tigers dont change stripes, and all that.

She is so transparent once you get her game down. It must be exhausting however.

Rags's picture

This biotch is a manipulative lying agrandizing whack job.  Time for you and daddy to start introducing SS to the facts regarding the history of her broken promises, continued interference in DH's kid time, and point out to SS that Dad;s time is in June, July and he will not be able to miss that time so BM (BiotchMom) will have to make the trips fit before and after dad's time.  Then... have your attorney serve BM with your specificially stipulated two 2wk visitations by date to back her into a corner on figuring out her trip and to.... maximize the opportunity that BM will once again fail to deliver on her grand plan and bullshit lies to SS.  Then... point it out to him when it happens yet again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would.  And... I would have a ton of fun setting it up and baring her ass.


Though it is sad to have to experience a kid getting crushed by the lying manipulative POS parent that contributes the shallow and polluted end of a kid's gene pool.

It may sound counter to empathy, but kids have to live the garbage the trash side of their blended family equation exhibits.  It is on the quality side to help the kid gain clarity and navigate the disappointment while also giving the kid support and lead them through the analysis of the manipulations of the crap side. Do not tolerate the crap or allow it to go unhighlighted to the kid.

IMHO of course.


dragonfly878's picture

I agree with this. Normally I'm of the "keep the kids out of it" camp- but I'd point out the facts to SS and start keeping it honest with him so that he can form his own thoughts...

MissK03's picture

I am all about facts and have had honest convos with my skids (20,19,16) throughout their lives. More so with SDalmost17. BUT my situation was/is different with skids with us 24/7, BM 4 miles down the road and not making a true effort to really ever see them.. even when they were younger.

In OPs case her SS is still a little too young IMO for "facts." He only sees them 6 weeks a year and if they start throwing facts it will only look like as them talking crap about BM. He will not understand. His brain is trained. As he gets older facts will be useful... but at 11... not as much. They will only cause harm. 

Rags I'm very cut and dry myself but in this situation there are lots of gray areas... not all black and white. 

Rags's picture

Addressing facts in an age appropriate manner is the key.  We did not bury SS in the racts. We used them to clarify reality when he would come home from SpermLand visitation upset or asking questions.

It started with questions like "(SPermGrandHag) says you are not my real dad and that you are my step dad."  Or...  "(SpermGrandHag) says I cannot call you dad."

Then as he continued to grow up and their lies, manipulations, etc... expanded, the facts were applied to shut down their toxicity.  As he progressed into and through his teens until he aged out from under the CO at 18, he was fully versed on every fact, the CO, the court recordings from every court hearing, his SpermIdiot's arrest records, his Spermidiot''s marriage and divorce records (the Spermidiot still claims to have never been married though SS has seen those records), every journal covering the 16+ years we lived under the CO, every recorded telephone call, every ranting answering machine tape of SpermGrandHag or anyone else in the SpermClan cursing out my DW, etc....  Also the county supplemental rules for custody/visitation/support, and the State regulations.

The more they lied and manipulated, the more SS was introduced to the facts.

Kids need the facts IMHO. The toxic opposition rarely if ever will stop their toxic manipulations even when a Skid reaches adulthood.  Kids need the facts to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.  The quality side of the equation has to introduce those facts in a measured manner to protect the kid and to provide the kid with knowledge to protect themselves.

 11 is old enough to select facts to be introduced to counter toxicity.  Tghough our CO was opposite to the one the OP lives with.  My DW had full physical and legal custody. The SpermClan had 7wks of visitation per year.  It was the SpermClan that lied and needed countering.  Though I do not think I would take a different tack if we had been the NCP side of the equation.  Toxicity has to be countered. Facts are the best way to do that.

IMHO of course.

Survivingstephell's picture

Age appropriate facts made a difference with YSD and my bios.  11 yo is plenty old enough to start.  Critical thinking skills are especially important for PAS situations.