Emotionally Charged Trauma Response & Vent
Last night, DH informs me that he got an email from BM regarding Thanksgiving break. We are scheduled to have SS from Tuesday to Sunday that week. Typically, DH drives down at the beginning of visitation and picks SS up, then BM comes up at the end of visitation and takes SS back home. BM informed DH that she, GF, and SS will be visiting family in our state the weekend before pickup and asked if she could just drop SS off on that Tuesday on her way home and DH could then swap legs and bring SS back to her on Sunday. Of course her email was so nice and sweet, because she wants something. It was all "Thank you for considering" and "Thank you so much for your flexibility."
Immediately, my blood boiled. It was almost like a trauma response. DH could see the anger and asked why I was getting so heated. I told him that I am sick of constantly doing favors for BM, but when we ask for a favor, it is always met with major hostility and emotional abuse and is always denied. I told DH that I want BM to actually have to do some work and be inconvenienced every now and then when it comes to coparenting, just like we do. DH countered that BM is already "doing the work," because she is bringing SS up to our state. I countered that yes, she is bringing him to our state, but she was doing it for other reasons; being able to drop him off on the the way home is just a perk because she was coming up, either way, regardless.
DH talked it through that he thought it works better because then DH wouldn't have to waste PTO day on Tuesday to pick-up SS from BM. He argued that both BM and DH are driving the same mileage regardless so it shouldn't be a big deal, even if BM had other plans which led to the drive. I told him "Fine," and immediately went to bed. DH sent BM an email agreeing to her terms.
This morning, I called DH on his commute to work. I was still bothered by it but calm. DH still doesn't understand why I am upset over it. I just want BM to be forced into our shoes every now and then. I am so sick of her changing the rules to make it more convenient for her, but then we aren't allowed to change the rules. I want her to be inconvenienced. I want her to have to drive up that weekend and then drive up again 5 days later to pick-up SS. Heck, last summer, BM wanted DH to drive SS back down to her state and back up to ours (8 hour trip) in one day, just so SS could attend a football tryout during our visitation. So that's okay, but her doing that type of driving isn't? I am also sick of DH's disengagement from SS. I get that we dropped rope and only do our court ordered visitation and phone calls, but it still feels like we are doing too much. We are forced into this awkward limbo where we aren't fighting for SS anymore and DH literally responds "Thanks for the update" to every email, but we also haven't fully given up and cut ties either. I want us to either be in it 100% or be in it 0%, not this weird 25%. Frankly, I would be totally happy if we just paid our CS and never saw SS or communicated with BM again. But no, we are smack dab where BM wants us, exercising just enough time and communicating enough to keep us under BM's thumb but not enough to interfere with BM's perfectly crafted life. I just want all of this to be over.