Update on SS13 - Vent
SS13 is definitely feeling uncomfortable at our house. I returned home last night, per our attorney's recommendation and carried on life as normal. DH and I chatted in the car about our day. DH made dinner and we all sat around the table eating, SS staying pretty quiet. After dinner, I gave DD3 a bath and put her to bed, returning to the couch to sit, like I always do. DH told SS to go shower and while he was showering, DH attempted to check SS' phone to see if any developments had occurred, but the passcode had been changed and he no longer had access. Luckily, DH googled the parental controls BM uses and it does not notify her if an incorrect passcode is entered, so they won't know.
Around 9 last night, SS asked me oh so sweetly, "CastleJJ, can you make your special popcorn for me?" I went to respond, but DH stepped in and said "CastleJJ is tired, she had a long day. She's going to go up to bed to relax and I will make it." SS whined about how DH's isn't as good as mine. DH responded "oh well." I grabbed some snacks and retreated to our bedroom for a movie and some alone time.
SS came into our room 4 times last night between 11:30 p.m. and 2 a.m., claiming he couldn't sleep because there were "noises." DH dealt with it each time and by the fourth time, DH was pissed. He told SS it was the sump pump making noise, the same sump pump that has been running everyday for the 3 years we have lived in this home. DH told SS to knock it off and go back to bed. We didn't hear from SS again for the rest of the night. I wonder how late he was up stewing about everything.
I think SS is freaking out because normally, he can vent, bitch, and lie to BM and GF about our household and they keep it to themselves, encouraging that behavior and being caddy in their group chats. Well now, since SS's claim is about DH making SS take calls in the living room in front of DH (which is fully made up by SS), and it limits BM and GF from speaking freely with SS, they want to discuss it with DH. SS is realizing that in a few short weeks, DH will be notified of SS's claims and DH will know SS lied about him. SS has never been called out for lying about DH and he knows DH will be hurt (but we already know), so he's scared for what that will do to DH and his relationship and how it will impact future visits. Essentially, SS can't shove this back into its box and undo what he has done, so now he is stuck with the consequences of playing games between his parents and he is scared shitless about what that will do.
This morning, I woke up and took DD to daycare. I told DH I was going to take his car (mine is in the shop) and going to work elsewhere, because I had a feeling SS would be glued to my ass all day, trying to butter me up. DH was fully supportive of this and told me he will make up a good excuse. We are supposed to go to the carnival tonight. DH offered to stay home with SS, but I don't want him to miss out on experiencing that with DD so I said "No" that we will bring SS and DD, set a limit for money we are willing to spend on tickets (anything over that SS will spend his own money). I made it clear that we will be catering to DD. There will be no splitting up for DH to ride big rides with SS while DD and I do the kiddie things; if DD wants to do something and it's too childish for SS, he can sit and wait until she's done. No more catering to SS or trying to make things special for him like we always have.
I am in my rage phase of dealing with this. I want to strip SS out of everything - all family photos, out of the photo frames we have around the house, out of all activities, etc. I want it to be like he doesn't exist because I am so pissed at his actions that I wish he would go to BMs and never return. With this pregnancy, I was really set on leaving SS' room as is until we could finish the basement, and then making his old room the nursery for new DD, that way everyone has their own space and nobody is left out. Now I'm ready to say "F*ck that" and just convert his room. If he ends up on the couch, so be it. I am done looking out for his feelings.
I am assuming that BM and GF will want to talk to SS either today or tomorrow, so that will be uncomfortable. I would prefer to not even be around when that takes place. This weekend, we are going to visit DH's Dad and SM, and I have already updated them on what has occurred and told them that there will be no spoiling or fun extras for SS like they like to do. They agreed. It is going to be a LONG 12 days until SS goes home and God, do I wish it would be sooner.
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Comments
I don't blame you for being
I don't blame you for being so angry. You have bent over backwards for SS all these years. This is such a hurtful slap in the face.
I can't compare my situation to yours, since i don't live with my SO. But i do know what it's like to try so hard and have one of them hurt you. With my SO's youngest, he actually physically hurt me when he was 9. Over a fking ice cream cone.
I remember the feeling of something just breaking inside. I took a giant step back from him. For years I wouldn't be alone with him or go out of my way. I kept things calm and professional, like with a problem coworker. I mostly disengaged but did make it a point to call attention to good behavior when I saw it, though it was even hard to get that out at first.
After a few years he seemed to "correct" himself as far as his behavior. He's never specifically apologized, because he was so feral and emotionally dysregulated at that age, he probably doesn't remember. But he has made comments about how he knows his behavior when he was younger was ridiculous and bad. I realize now that he was a product of his genetics and how he was raised. He was trained to act that way. I still don't plan on marriage or cohabitation until all kids are launched, mostly due to the toxic BM who played a big part in his behaviors (but not the whole part, SO and his family share the blame.)
But what I'm trying to say is, after several years, SS now15 has seen the error of his ways and changed, and slowly my feelings changed too, and I am proud of who he is becoming. For you, best case, this happens. Your SS may realize with age and maturity that his BM is toxic and raised him to be her toxic little minion and distance himself from the dysfunction, and maybe even from her. Or he may not. Your SS may fully drink the Kool Aid and PAS out. But for YOU, you have a great life with a great kid and a husband who actually sounds worth a damn. Focus on that and treat SS like a problem coworker that you have to stay professional around until he blessedly leaves for somewhere far away. I will send good vibes your way.
ETA also, don't bend over backwards to help in any way to facilitate visitation for a while. Maybe some distance will help in the short term.
Thank you, Rumple. While I
Thank you, Rumple. While I would like to believe SS will eventually see the error of his ways, this has been a downhill descent for a while now and I don't see him coming back from it. SS doesn't view DH as his "Dad," he views them as "Mom and Mama" and DH as the "fun uncle you spend time with."
Luckily for us, SS isn't scheduled to visit again until Christmas (maybe Labor Day if he doesn't have football, which he usually does). DH has already said he isn't killing himself for a Christmas visit as I will be only weeks postpartum and we aren't dealing with the stress. DH said if BM fights sending SS without a phone or sets parameters/demands for the visit, the answer will be that SS just doesn't come. We aren't bending over backwards to force these visits to happen anymore. I'm also not sure how DH will handle twice weekly phone calls going forward either or if he will stop those for a while too. It will be hard to call SS multiple times per week and act like nothing happened, to talk about the weather, school and sports for 5 minutes.
Sounds like y'all have a good
Sounds like y'all have a good plan. Stay strong these next few weeks.
BM is going
to blow a gasket when your DH fails to jump through her hoops in order to get time with SS. While she appears to want to end visitation I get the feeling that a big part of that is her intense need for drama and control of DH and your household. She wants to be the one who ends it.
That leaves me concerned that she would then encourage SS to make accusations of past abuse just for the fun of it. Should you really be alone with him?
I am not alone with SS. After
I am not alone with SS. After the events last week and this week, DH has gotten permission to work from home until SS goes home. He is not leaving me alone with SS under any circumstances.
You have
a really good DH!
I did exactly what you want
I did exactly what you want to do when I was done with Spawn and all she had put me through. I disengaged and did nothing extra, interesting when she was out of shorts, and I wouldn’t take her to the mall for a fun shopping trip. I took down all the family photos and just put up random art prints. Years and years later when Spawn sat down to talk with DH all about her “mistreatment” her fall back was “I was just a kid.” Yes, she was a kid, well teenager by then, but she was always willing to go along with whatever Meth Mouth said and never had any loyalty to DH. That was the biggest crux of the issue she could never understand. The real jewel of that conversation though was she wanted to meet with me because at the ripe old age of 25 she was a SM now and wanted to basically school me on being a SM.
Lolol - Stepmom Spawn! Give
Lolol - Stepmom Spawn! Give her a few years, she'll probably be posting here. Also, "I was just a kid" may work for some behaviors, but there are some that you just can't come back from. Not all the way, anyway.
Again, I'm So Sorry
But agree 100% with your feelings and thoughts moving forward. Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation and your DH can only hope that once his son is of age, will be able to gain clarity on the PAS that his mom/gf inflicted on him. Other than that, disengage, do nothing extra for him. In fact, I'd let DH handle him and you do only the utterly necessary things when it comes to SS. Keep conversations to a minimum and superficial. Do NO favors.
I had a lot of this crap done to me in the early days. It impacted the relationships then and it still impacts them today. The youngest one....the one that gets the most grace...I still hold accountable for what he did. While I'm over it, my guard is up and my boundaries are tight in place. It's unfortunate. That particular SS could use me in his life right now....but too much damage was done with no amends once he was into adulthood. Wishing you all the best, Castle.
Once again
If you read the vents on these blogs. You are not along . There is a big club of SK playing one side against the other. It's what you do about it. DH knows what DS is doing and he's doing nothing about it. Letting SS to play his game.
'This is not the way to handle this.
'SS is not going to have feelings that you are a parent. You must understand this and act accordingly to this. You have a DD to parent. And DD comes first.
"I was just a kid!" Bullshit! Kids know right from wrong fairly
"I was just a kid!" Bullshit! Kids know right from wrong fairly early. That capability expands as they progress in age. Tolerating bullshit just enables and facilitates their shit.
I put the "they don't remember" in the same bullshit category. They damned sure do remember and should have their noses scrubbed firmly in that memory when they try to play the not remembering card off on being a kid at the time.
Crap decisions and manipulations are key memory locks at just about any age. I recall every stupid thing I did as a kid particularly when it included active choices, behaviors, and manipulations... and LIES!
The good news is that kids can learn from their mistakes and progress to being viable quality adults. However, that occurs only when their adults tolerate nothing less.