SS13 Therapy Update & Vent
BM has been silent about SS13's therapy since she sent the initial email a few months ago, simply telling DH she was enrolling SS in therapy for "anxious thoughts" and providing the therapist name/phone number, along with the insane out of pocket price, because this therapist is private pay only. DH responded that he was in disagreement with using a private pay therapist. BM rebutted saying SS needs this specific therapist for 5 reasons: (1) he is male, which SS is more comfortable with, (2) he is Christian, which BM claims is important to SS, (3) he supports same sex couples (which I feel is more important to BM/GF than it is to SS), (4) he has experience with split households (which BM claims SS has stress around - all DH's fault for making SS visit), and (5) this therapist is highly recommended and well known to BM's workplace. DH and I feel that none of these reasons make it necessary for SS to use a private pay provider, let alone this specific private pay provider. The reasons seem more to do with BM's wants than SS' needs.
We spoke to our attorney friend and he said it is a grey area because BM is submitting these bills to insurance to apply towards her out of pocket deductible, so technically it is an uninsured medical expenses permitted under the CO. He said DH could take it to court, but it is a crap shoot on whether the judge will rule in DH's favor and make BM go through an insurance covered provider or rule in BM's favor and allow the therapy with DH covering his shared cost. Our attorney friend did advise, since he knows BM and how she operates, that if DH goes to court and loses, it will only embolden BM to try more and more stuff like this, trying to financially bankrupt DH and I through frivolous medical costs. Things have been relatively calm with BM (outside of her continuous attempts to get DH to drop his parenting time), so our friend worries that pushing this issue and losing would cause BM to go nuclear and disrupt the peace we have had. DH and our attorney friend did the math. Our cost share would be roughly $40 per session, with BM paying roughly $80 per session for her cost share, totaling the $120ish per session the therapist charges. BM is still paying significantly more. Our attorney friend personally did not think it was worth the risk and recommended paying the CO'ed amount and only seeking legal action if BM continues therapy for an unreasonable amount of time.
DH emailed BM two days ago, asking for an update on SS' therapy, additional information on what he has been struggling with, and asking how many appointments SS has had. BM responded today, stating that SS reports his symptoms are "slightly improving" and that he is sharing his anxious thoughts with them (BM and GF). She again refused to tell DH what is going on with SS. She also attached the running bill provided by the therapist, showing 5 sessions in total since he started a few months ago. BM also asked if DH was going to reimburse her or if she was going to need to seek legal action to enforce repayment, since he originally stated he disagreed with the expense.
At first, DH and I wanted to blow up and demand answers from BM. DH is SS' FATHER and he deserves to know what is going on with his son. BM keeps acting like DH is just some stranger who waltzed into SS' life recently and has to earn it, despite the fact that DH has been there since Day 1 and BM keeps playing the "uncomfortable" card. SS won't tell DH what is going on (because we are sure he has been brainwashed to never tell us) and BM refuses to disclose. But, after we thought about it, DH and I both agreed that we are never going to know. Even if DH demanded answers, BM would either refuse to tell him, blame DH for SS' issues like she has for years whether that is the real issue or not, or lie. We are never going to really know the truth and that sucks so bad. DH simply responded in one sentence saying "Send the reimbursement requests after they are processed by insurance and I will take them under consideration." DH isn't committing to anything at this point.
We feel so bad for SS. The kid is newly 13, is bogged down by multiple advanced classes, 3-4 sports per year plus plenty of off season training, forced to read multiple books per week and study a foreign language (that he has been forced to study for years yet can't speak a word of). This kid constantly says he feels like an adult with a full-time job because he never has any downtime or time to play and be a kid. When DH brings it up to BM, she laughs and tells DH that he doesn't know what he's talking about. SS is so blindly loyal to BM, he never speaks ill of her or goes against her. When DH tries to let SS chill during visits to offset the crazy life he has at BM's, BM accuses DH of being the "Disney Dad" with no expectations and all fun, reiterating that this is why BM has full custody. SS has major body dysmorphia and cried to DH and BM at a sports match recently that he feels too small and too weak compared to his teammates (despite the fact that he is perfectly in range for height and weight for his age - literally 50th percentile). BM laughed at SS and admitted she practically had an eating disorder in high school, trying to say SS' issues are normal, and has been emailing DH trying to prove her point that daily protein powder and intense workouts are recommended by the pediatrician since SS is basically "failure to thrive." Plus, the kid is in therapy, which I don't know many 12 year olds who need therapy unless they are truly effed up by their home lives. So DH and I have no choice but to sit back and watch SS fall apart, which literally kills us to do because we love SS dearly, but the courts won't help us and won't hear another custody case on the matter, and BM thinks we are idiots and she is Mom of the Year.
My best friend thinks I need to let it all go. She thinks I need to give SS up and disengage, letting BM ruin him and let DH engage as far as the CO allows. My friend thinks I need to focus on DD and my pregnancy and if SS drowns in BM's expectations and ends up royally screwed up at 18, so be it; it will be BM's issue to deal with since she basically raised him without DH. My friend thinks I am focusing so much on SS when I could be giving that attention to DD and our family, which makes me feel worse because it's true. I think about SS 24/7 and often do feel like I put more emphasis on SS than DD and that devastates me. I agree that we need to stop trying to fix this (because we can't) and let it go, but it is so hard to give up on a kid we love, especially when we know we can't change anything and BM has total control. Everything BM does and every way she fails SS makes me want to punch her out and fight her every single thing, but I know it will do nothing but cause major chaos and feed BM the narc supply she so desperately wants. It won't help us or SS and we have no means to change that. And then we talk to SS on the phone tonight and he is happy, smiling, laughing and talkative, just goofing around and keeping it light - UNTIL BM or GF come into the room. Then he is quiet and reserved, telling DH he has to go so he can finish his chores. Yet according to BM, we are the ones causing severe emotional distress by forcing SS to visit.
I really thought the closer we got to 18, the easier it would get, but damn, these last few years have been hell. I would give anything to go back to the 4 or 5 year old SS, even if BM was still impossible back then. I would give even more to springboard to 18, skipping over the next 5 years, just to rid ourselves of BM, this stupid CO, and BM's financial leash. I feel like I am never going to find peace. I feel like even after SS is 18, I am not going to be able to get over this situation and everything we have been through. Dealing with BM's narcissism has changed the framework of my entire being and I don't know how to undo that damage. I am in therapy but I don't know how to get this trauma out of my head and stop it from consuming me.
Thank you for allowing me to vent, even if it comes out as word vomit. I need somewhere to cast this sheer lunacy as I swear I often feel like I live in the Twilight Zone and nothing about any of this makes sense.
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Comments
I agree with your BFF. Please
I agree with your BFF. Please put all of the energy you're spending on SS and BM into your own bios.
Is the therapy cost outrageous? Yes. Should BM just pick someone in-network instead? Yes. But can you change any of that? NO. As long as your DH can still pay the bills, I wouldn't worry about where his $40 is going. I'm assuming every-other week visits? This wouldn't be a hill to die on for me.
SD is almost 15 and I feel your pain with these last few years. I've come to the conclusion that there will ALWAYS be drama around SD is some way, shape, or form. I can't change her dramatics or toxic behaviors. But I CAN change how I choose to react. As long as her behavior isn't directly affecting me or DS4, I have stopped caring.
Stop "caring" sounds harsh, I'll admit it. But it is the only way to protect your sanity. BMs will always have their influence on SKs, and DHs will always "parent" in the way they seem fit, whether us SMs agree or not.
Let go of the idea that SK is a reflection of you as they enter adulthood. However SKs, turn out does NOT say anything about you as a SM. Whether they are a college grad or working at McDonald's their BIOS are the ones responsible for how their spawn turn out - not you. Wash your hands and be done.
Personally I found myself arguing with my DH anytime he mentioned BM. It was so frustrating hearing the "ins and outs" of their parenting decisions for SD... anything, you name it (cell phone use, grades, dentist appointments, etc.) At the end of the day, I told DH "You know what, I really don't need to know that. That is something between you and BM."
It was so freeing.
I am so fortunate that DH and
I am so fortunate that DH and I are a united front when it comes to SS and BM. We both are on the same page about pretty much everything about that situation. We aren't fighting about parenting decisions. He keeps our household, finances, and needs in mind when navigating this situation.
I think the therapy pisses me off (not so much the cost) but because there is a strong chance DH is literally paying for SS to attend therapy so BM can use therapy to PAS SS. I guarantee BM is pushing to use therapy prove that SS having a relationship with DH is detrimental to his mental health and that visits need to stop. So DH is essentially paying (regardless of cost) to build BM's case against him, and who knows how long this therapy could go on for.
The hardest part is SS still loves us and he doesn't come with dramatics or behaviors really. Any negative issues we have with SS stem from heavy brainwashing, loyalty binds, and fear of BM. He comes with the same trauma that DH and I have from dealing with BM. BM is the sole source of drama, abuse, and chaos and everyone in her orbit is just along for the ride. SS loves us and always enjoys spending time with us and is so so good, but he's stuck in a shit situation, just like we are. It would be so much easier to stop caring if SS just hated us and wanted nothing to do with us or if he was a toxic little shit who behaved terribly and created drama.
How do you reach the point of not caring? Even if I act like I don't care, it still eats me alive. I can't force myself to stop. My anxiety is too bad to stop and I feel like my anxiety would be worse not knowing about what is going on. I would give anything to "turn it off" so to speak.
Make it black and white. Ask
Make it black and white. Ask yourself if your actions alone would be able to change the situation (most likely not). What would (if anything) be different if it were just DH in the picture? What trauma was instilled before you even came into the picture as SM? Answering a lot of these questions helped me let go of the guilt that came along with it. The reality is you can be a role model, positive influence, etc. but you can't solely change the trajectory of SSs life.
I also agree with your friend
I also agree with your friend. I made the mistake early on of devoting an inordinate amount of time to SO's kids, SS21 in particular, taking away time from my own. In the end, he gravitated back to the BM who both he and my SO said was neglectful and abusive and supposedly didn't want anything to do with him. The pull is too strong and i wish i could get those few years back to focus on my kids, especially my youngest, who was struggling more than i realized at that time.
AA saying
I'm not a member of AA, but have family that is. I've found that adopting the AA saying (let go and let God) has helped me tremendously. Yes, I still worry about thing I cannot control, but I worry a lot less. I keep reminding myself to let go and let God. It has helped my mental health.
If this therapist is as good
If this therapist is as good as he's touted, he shouldn't have any trouble finding the root cause if SS's "anxiety".
Your DHshould insist on being kept in the loop. Obviously, he's not going to be told what's said during the sessions, but he needs to know if his son is making progress and also to be informed of what he can do to help. I also think it would be useful to make an appointment with the therapist to at least get a feel of the therapist who is treating his son. I'd make sure to have proof of the joyful moments he spends with you to hand.
BM is refusing to tell DH
BM is refusing to tell DH what is going on. DH isn't asking for a play by play but he doesn't even know what the initial issue is that brought SS to therapy. Unfortunately, even when DH pushes, BM doesn't budge or she gives him her version of events, which typically is that SS hates visiting and we keep forcing visits so it's causing him severe mental health issues. SS has never voiced this and has told us he loves visiting. Even SS won't tell us why he is in therapy, which makes us wonder if it is something going on at BMs that they don't want us to know. BM did say that SS reported a slight improvement, but she wouldn't go into any further detail.
DH has consulted with the therapist. The therapist will not offer sessions to ANY parents as he doesn't want parental perspectives to impact the child's treatment. All he told DH that SS has no evidence of trauma from either side and the issue is minimal and shouldn't require lengthy therapeutic intervention.
SS won't tell you why he's in
SS won't tell you why he's in therapy because he doesn't know either...
At least, the therapist isn't allowing BM to interfere in SS's therapy. My other takeaway from this is that it's a minor affair. BM isn't screaming child abuse from the rooftops.
With the environment you
With the environment you describe at BM's, it is possible that the boy is actually anxious there. It sounds like a really high pressure situation for a child that age. Y'all may not see it, because the source of his anxiety isn't there when he is with y'all.
Will therapy help? I think it could, if the therapist is smart enough to sniff out the root cause, but I don't believe BM really wants it to be resolved. She seems like the type who would derive some weird satisfaction from having a son afflicted with anxiety. It probably makes her feel important to have something she has to continually help SS "manage" not to mention, she can use it against your DH.
I know it's so hard not to worry for SS. But your friend is right, it's not worth the toll it takes on you. Especially with a baby on the way. I think that continuing to do what y'all do during his visits and not engaging with BM unless completely necessary, you really are doing all that you can for him. Beyond that, you unfortunately have to wait and hope that with time and maturity, SS will turn out alright.
I'll add that my DD started
I'll add that my DD started therapy when she was 7 because she had anxiety - panic attacks, unreasonable fears, uncontrolled perfectionism that led to insomnia and eating issues. This was after almost a year of her dad and I actively doing everything that we knew to help her.
All three of us went to therapy every week for about 3 months. Then every other week for a couple of months, then once a month for a few more. It was WORK - more for us as parents than it was for DD, honestly. But we applied what the therapist advised at home and at school, enlisted the support of her teachers, and taught our extended families the strategies and coping skills she was learning.
Since then, she has absolutely flourished and is incredibly intentional and disciplined about identifying when she's anxious and employing the skills she's learned. She still sees her therapist as needed (maybe twice in the last year) just for a check in/refresher, or if there is a high pressure situation (e.g. testing for private schools, auditioning for a big role, etc).
All that to say, therapy for children can be very effective if they truly need it and their parents are committed to doing their part. But, in my opinion and experience, if it becomes a situation where the child is going to therapy frequently with no progression show for it, and if there isn't a plan to wean them off frequent sessions, then the child is either with the wrong therapist or they don't actually need therapy. (Caveat that I'm not talking about kids who have been through severe trauma, in that case the treatment could very well be necessary for years.)
After 5 sessions I think your SS' therapist should have a pretty clear idea of the timeline for continued treatment. If they can't articulate that, I'd say it's a red flag.
BM is playing games
Why ? With SS being 15 yo. ? BM abd her GF have nothing to do with there life's. Except causing trouble. I just can't figure out how to win her game.
This kid doesn't have a minute to himself. He's force to play baseball and other sports what he's not good at. I would be depressed to know you are going to stink up the place. Kids should be kids. Today that internet, screen time. Internet games.
'BM is causing her own problems m then looking for other people,who are happy to take BM money to try to fix what she screw up. Knowing BM will keep screwing things up
You can't win, you can't even play the game .
Time for a pitbull lawyer to rip out BM's and the therapist's
throats. Not regarding the money. Over failure to include BioDad in the therapy session reports.
As for the money. I would go nickles and dimes to show payment. We had our version with this when SS was in SpermLand for visitation and got a rusty fish hook stuck in his leg while swimming with the younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs.
It started with a shit show of SpermGrandHag forcing SS to call us to ask about when was his last tetanus shot. We were on a weekend trip and not at home with the medical files in our home office. We told him we did not know so to tell the Hag to get him to the hospital before he got LockJaw. When she got snippy we told the kid to tell the Hag to call his mom's cell phone and then we hung up, It immediately rang from SS's phone. At which point we ignored it until the Hag called on her phone. We did not provide SS a phone for the Hag's convenience. That initiated a half a dozen calls over a couple of hours. The Hag did not want to drive him several hours to get a Tetanus shot. Tuff shit lady. I finally told her to get her ass in the car or have her credit card ready to pay for the back country helicopter ambulance that I would have land at the campground and then fly SS to the ER to get the hook removed from his leg and then to get a Tetanus shot. She got her ass in the car and took SS to the hospital. Her toxic crap was to name me as the financially responsible party on the paperwork. It took nearly a year to get the hospital to go after the hag for the unpayed balance. She kept trying to bill us, we sent her an updated statement subtracting the ER costs from the $Thousands in unreibursed delivery fees when he was born, Co-pays, uncovered Medical and Dental costs, etc...... She threatened court, we told her that we would see her in court but that she had better bring her idiot son with her since she had zero standing and was not a party to the case. Eventually our lawyer told us that we would have to pay the ER bill since DW was the CP but that as long as we made a good faith effort at payments that the ER could F-off. So, we started paying a dollar here, a dollar there, when the hospital business office would call, we would point hut the Hag's signature on the admissions paperwork and tell them to collect from her. They would call lher. She would lose her pea sized brain and start her slobbering ranting crap with the ER then try to call us.
We kept that up for about 8yrs until SS aged out from under the CO plus a couple of years just to piss of the Hag. At which point we just paid it off. No interest, no penalties. Then... we added it to what the SpermIdiot owed in unreimbursed health care costs.
They still owe us increasing $thousands of dollars due to penalties and interest. The family court Judge would not smack them around and make them pay telling us to take it to small claims court. We keep sending them a statement a couple of times a year just to piss them off and to hold it over their heads. It is far beyond small claims by now.
So, send BM the proverbial dollar here, and dollar there. You owe it and will have to pay it. But..as our pitbull said, take as long as you wish making sure to document the small incremental payments.
I wonder if BM is on a
I wonder if BM is on a fishing expedition with these counseling sessions, trying to get SS to say or admit there is some form of abuse from DH’s side. I wonder if she keeps sending him prodding him to “just tell the truth “Or “remember that one time you told us you were scared with DH.” That kind of bullshit. I feel for you guys regardless of whatever her end game is. I agree with your BFF it’s time to be like Elsa and let it go, I know easier said than done.