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Ignorant or Complicit Therapist?!

HS752's picture

The therapist my SD12 sees is completely shady af.  Chosen by the BM unilaterally after ditching the previous one, the WTF moments abound!  SD has been seeing this therapist since June of 2021.

In October 2021, SD was suspended from school after bringing a knife and threatening kids.  She spent 7 days in a crisis hospital for homicidal ideation, and talked about self harm (cutting).  She was severely depressed, living with her BM and her parents (who are also toxic af).  BM never returned her to school, and SD was expelled.  Zero communication from BM about alternate schooling.  BF contacted the therapist to confirm she was working with BM to get SD back in school, and also asked for her opinion on if having SD attend school by him was in SD best interest.  Therapist advised she thought the change might be too much.  Later that evening, in a telephone call with SD, she accused her dad of trying to take her away from her mom and therapist.  Documentation we received from the school has letters from the therapist, only addressed to BM and school.  BM enrolls SD in new school fall of 2022 - BF doesn't find out where until he talks to his daughter on the first day she attends.

BF continues to check in with the therapist on how SD is doing.  January 2023, she gives a glowing report on SD progress.  SD and BF relationship is probably the best it has been since the divorce was final, but SD casually asks about "upcoming schedule changes" and about not seeing her dad as much.  The next day, BM files motion for sole custody and to suspend placement with BF.  Relationship was too good for BM apparently.  BM's motion includes a lot of "per her current therapist" language, basically citing things being disclosed to her by the therapist.  BF requests the therapists records.  Therapist sends a letter to both attorneys, BM, and the court stating she will not release the records - that SD has requested "extra layers of confidentiality" and that she feels the release of her records will cause more harm to SD.  When confronted by BF's attorney about what she has told BM, she tells the attorney she is "not a finder of fact."

BF and I talk to SD about her social media accounts (not anything terribly upsetting, just posting about her mom and dad) and blocked her dad, which isn't allowed.  SD says that is where she goes to "vent" so we discussed more appropriate places to vent....like her therapist.  Also reminded her it is ok to tell her dad whats bothering her, to which she replied "[therapist] said i should only vent to her and my mom." - BF confronted therapist about this.  Of course therapist denied telling SD that.

GAL conducts her investigation.  Informs both attorneys that she will be recommending that nothing changes in regards to placement/custody.  That same week SD calls BF to tell him she does not want to come see him for his placement weekend.  BF offers a switch, and she is adamant about not going.  BF stands firm that she will be seeing him on his placement weekend.  The Thursday before, SD calls BF (this time during her scheduled therapy session) and again requests to not see her dad.  She is calling him by his first name, which he shuts down immediately.  She is says things that the GAL had told the attorneys. SD becomes distraught, claiming how much she hates it there and has always hated it there, and abruptly ends the conversation.

Friday morning he reaches out via email separately to the GAL, his attorney and the therapist to inform them all of this phone call and his concerns.  The therapist responds saying she has concerns about SD mental health and that she will be sending a letter to all parties shortly.  The letter to everyone states that SD spend 3.5 hours with her on Thursday after the phone call, and threatened to harm herself if she had to go by her dad, and if she ever had to see him again.  She recommended suspending placement with BF until she can get to the bottom of the problem.  BF was never contacted by BM or therapist about this crisis care.  Barely 5 minutes after this bombshell letter is dropped, BM sends an OFW message to BF, begging and pleading for BF to consider the well being of their child.  I strongly recommend to have an emergency mental health hold put on SD, but he ultimately chose to relinquish his placement time.

BM, SD and therapist go radio silent for the following week.  After emailing the therapist a couple times, she replies that SD is processing "different memories coming to the surface" and that these things seem to have been bothering her for "a long time"  BF replies to this with his concerns about these "new memories" and requests that the therapist contact him regarding things about BM and their marriage.  He has yet to receive a replay to this email.  Allowing SD to tell stories unchecked seems really poisonous to me!!!!  BF also reached out to BM on OFW, requesting she help facilitate a positive relationship with SD, and asks how SD is doing.  BM replied that she will not "force SD to do anything she doesn't want to" and that BF should reach out to the therapist for information regarding SD.  This is all like.....textbook alienation stuff here, right??!

BF talks to the GAL, who was away on vacation while all this was going on.  She tells BF none of his concerns are lost on her, but I don't know what that means.  She also talked to the therapist, who told the GAL she hasn't gotten to the bottom of SD problems (really??!!) yet....the GAL is hesitant to re-interview SD without the go-ahead from the therapist.  As far as we know there is no court-order suspending placement, only this therapist recommendation to suspend placement.  BF placement weekend is coming up, and I feel like he should make is intentions known that he will see his daughter this weekend......I think he isn't going to though.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.....this therapist seems totally unprepared to deal with the BM and her tactics to alienate SD from her dad!  Anyone have any luck defeating a therapist like this, who seems to have all the power....and very well could be complicate in these alienation tactics.....or worse.....conspiring with the BM.  This child is quickly learning how to manipulate EVERYONE around her and its terrifying to watch!!  I am losing hope that she will ever be a happy, healthy, normal productive member of society if this keeps up!!!

Winterglow's picture

It may be time to ask the therapist if she is acquainted with the term "parental alienation syndrome".

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He should send an email asking about that, asking if any allegations of abuse have been made, and pointing out that SD continues to get more and more unstable the more she stays with BM and away from her dad. If being with him is so bad and being with BM is supposedly so good for SD, why is she only getting worse? 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

He should take his parenting time. Won't this be the second one that he will miss? He is feeding into the alienation if he quits seeing his daughter at this point. Odds are good that once she is with him and away from BM that she will be perfectly normal.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

I watched some documentaries where ppl have admitted that they were convinced by their therapists that they had uncovered/hidden memories of abuse and trauma by their relatives. Its called "implantation" and these ppl who are already mentally distraught and seeking validation from figures like the therapist will go along and end up believing it

 

This has ruined the lives of relatives but also stepparents who were wrongfully accused of all sorts of things

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

I watched some documentaries where ppl have admitted that they were convinced by their therapists that they had uncovered/hidden memories of abuse and trauma by their relatives. Its called "implantation" and these ppl who are already mentally distraught and seeking validation from figures like the therapist will go along and end up believing it

 

This has ruined the lives of relatives but also stepparents who were wrongfully accused of all sorts of things

ESMOD's picture

I think that a lot of the problem you are dealing with here is that his daughter is just basically a very troubled girl.. and her past actions.. threats of violence.. are not in any way normal behavior.. and I'm sure that everyone is concerned that they have to take any of her SA seriously.  Certainly the therapist isn't going to advise that an obviously distraught child do the very thing the kid is claiming will cause them to commit S right?  

And the Therapist can only speak to what they see.. and can't necessarily draw conclusions regarding things that aren't happening in front of them.. BM could have her daughter all worked up heading into the session.. so the therapist sees what she sees.. she doesn't know what fed into that...and is afraid that doing what the child "fears" will result in her harming herself.

I would think that the GAL would have some ability to force some kind of independent therapy with the girl and her father though.. and THAT is what he should be asking for.. that he is allowed to have sessions with a therapist of HIS choice to moderate some talks with his daughter.. to possibly get to the bottom of her issue with seeing him.

I mean is it not wanting to see him? or is it leaving her mom that is the issue.. an issue with missing an activity.. or missing seeing a person (crush?).. or has she morphed into having some sort of agoraphobia issue.. or can't handle the change? I think he deserves a chance to have some contact with his daughter.. to hear what the problem is.. and to work with his own therapist to help them over that hump.

Rags's picture

There is a reason why a CO  and standards of behavior and standards of performance are the keystones of strong blended families.

While a therapist, a good one, can be an amazing blessing. Sadly, not too many seem to meet blessing status.

 

Get a CO, enforce the CO, set and enforce the behavioral and performance standards, and find the escalating consequences that unequivocally deliver the message to follow the CO and perform to the standards. Period Dot.

They why of chosing not to comply is not important. That they comply is what is important.  How they feel is not important. Them recognizing that their choices to not comply result in their miserable cosequences are important.

WHat they express they are felling when interfacing with the therapist does not matter, unless the therapist holds them accountable for compliance to the CO and compliance to the standards of behvior and standards of performance.

One is to choose misery, the other to chose an oncreasingly pleasant existance. Their choice.

Our son did not have to live this model though he was raised within it. He was raised with standards and he understood them from a very young age.  He learned because he saw how it all worked and that decent behavior and a decent effort returned enjoyable results.   His SpermClan on the other hand, lived it when they failed to comply with the CO and the standards we demanded of them regarding their behaviors towards us, their treatment of our son, and their performace to those standards.