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I Swear, BM is an Idiot

CastleJJ's picture

So a few weeks ago, DH messaged BM asking if we could pick SS up for President's Weekend visitation at noon instead of 3pm on Friday and then change BM's pickup time to noon instead of 3pm on Monday, because we were going to FIL's house for the weekend and the later pick up time would make the extra distance harder. BM agreed to the change in time also informing DH that she would be in FIL's town (also BM's parent's town) that Monday and pulling SS out of school to stay there until Thursday. BM asked if we could stay in the area until Monday and do the exchange there, to prevent SS from having extra time in the car due to driving from FIL/BM's parent's town back to our town then back to FIL/BM's parent's town again. DH agreed. This was settled 100% weeks ago with no further discussion.

We found out this week that FIL and stepMIL have a family friend staying with them for a while, which means they can no longer accommodate us for the weekend. DH and I sorted it out and decided that instead of going Friday to Monday, we would just go Saturday to Monday and get a hotel. 

Per our CO, DH has to notify BM of any overnights away from our home (including any changes) and vice versa for BM. So today, DH emailed BM to notify her that we are no longer going Friday to Monday as originally planned, just Saturday to Monday, but all pick-up and drop-off details are the same as before. This email was CLEAR AS DAY. 

BM then emails DH back saying "Thank you" and how glad she is that we worked it out so SS doesn't have to drive all the way back to our town on Sunday to drive all the way back to FILs/BM's parent's town on Monday for pick-up. THAT WAS NEVER THE PLAN! We were always staying until Monday and BM was always picking SS up at FIL's on Monday. We were never driving SS back to our town on Sunday. 

I swear to God, BM cannot communicate effectively if her life depended on it, and then, when we are confused because she makes no sense, she gaslights and bullies us into believing we are misunderstood or stupid. I swear we could tell BM "the sky is blue" and she will change the topic to "the cat is pink," and when you don't follow, BM gets mad. 

Also, BM informed DH that BM's parents will be picking SS up on Monday because BM can't get up that early to drive the 6 hours to make it to FIL's by noon. Of course, she didn't offer DH the extra few hours until BM could make it to town - oh no, her parents will just take SS until BM arrives. Heaven forbid DH has even a second more. It has to be exactly 3 days down to the minute. 


strugglingSM's picture

I swear, jumbled communication is a technique used by HCBMs to appear to be martyrs or victims. In our case, BM would say one thing (in writing) and DH would agree. Then she would act like it was DH's idea and get mad at whatever change she had requested. She also regularly claims that DH isn't clear and she can't understand what he is saying, even when he says something like, "I will drop skids off at your house at 6pm." What could possibly be unclear about that?! Maybe it's just because HCBMs can't keep track of their own crap and have to make it look like it's someone else's fault.

CastleJJ's picture

It must be. I swear, communicating with BM is like communicating in riddles. DH can be just as clear "Picking up SS at noon" and BM writes a novel as a response, going completely off topic multiple times and then acts like DH is the idiot or we are confused. And then we end up confused and are tricked into feeling like we are in the wrong. BM's response is always that we fail to communicate, but she is so confusing. And a simple change in plans can never be simple with BM either - a simple request to change a time or venue turns into a plane ride, car ride, and train ride, at BM's request, and then BM blames DH for "overcomplicating" things. 

advice.only2's picture

I guess in this instance would not notifiying her of a one day change have been better?  

CastleJJ's picture

Our CO requires it. Both parties have to advise the other parent if SS is sleeping anywhere besides either parent's residence or any travel plans change. I could see BM causing even more trouble if we didn't notify her of the change and she found out about it, even if it was only 1 day. 

Sometimes it just means we have to deal with stupid. 

floralsm's picture

Yes we deal with the same HCBM that is super confusing. So many times she will send a text and we are like 'wtf'? 
A few months ago DH asked BM if she can pick up SS for an extra day as she specifically said 'I can help with the skids if you need'. DH was away for work so I said technically he needs to go back to BM as you aren't here. He shrugged and asked her and surprisingly she agreed and then immediately asked if we could have them a Friday night on her week. Oh, that's why she was being nice and offering to DH as she had her own agenda. Now DH agreed and when the time came closer he said 'You will need to pick them up early the Saturday as I'm working and Floral needs to leave the house by 9. She ended up cancelling and having the skids with her anyway as she couldn't get there that early. No way was I looking after them on my own on her weekend while she was hungover in bed. Anyway she said 'Thanks for offering to have them'. DH yelled 'what?!' I never offered! She asked me!' 
SMH. I swear they just do this purposely to make themselves appear martyr and all they actually do Is make themselves look ridiculous and stupid.