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SS isn't even here yet and BM is already causing trouble

CastleJJ's picture

So we see SS for 6 weeks on a long distance schedule. It is broken into two three day weekends, two two week periods in the summer and alternating school holiday breaks. HCBM lives 4 hours away across state lines. 

Well SS is coming today. DH is literally picking him up as we speak. BM is supposed to pick SS up on Monday at 3:30 p.m. BM called DH 20 minutes ago and said, "Due to the possibility of bad weather on Monday, I will be picking SS up 3 hours early from your house on Monday. DH said "No". BM said, "You don't understand, I have to work and SS has school on Tuesday and I'm just not comfortable driving in the bad weather." She then promised to give us the extra few hours during spring break. 

DH offered to keep SS an extra day which made BM's head explode. She always goes for less time with DH instead of more and you better believe she plans these times to the minute to ensure that parenting time is 3 pm on pick up day to 3 pm on drop off day, not a minute more. 

BM said "No", she will just be picking SS up early. DH told her that Monday is 3 days away and who knows what the weather will be this early in advance. DH told her "No, 3 pm is the court ordered time. If I feel that the weather is bad enough, I will call you Sunday night to notify you if I agree to change the time, otherwise, I will see you Monday at 3 pm". 

We already see SS so little and there she goes trying to take more time away. God, it's always something with this woman... 


tog redux's picture

You have to admit, they are gifted at the manipulation. They can use anything to try to take time away. She probably clapped with glee when she heard the weather report, because she could use it to make trouble. I figure their brains just must be wired that way.

Good for your DH for holding firm on the time. 

CastleJJ's picture

My DH has learned how to set firm boundaries and stick to them but not without a lot of manipulation and abuse from BM first. A couple false allegations and a year long court battle later and DH learned to stand up for himself real quick. 

I love my SS dearly. He's a great kid and he and I get along great. I just hate when he comes to visit because I know contact with BM always ramps up around visitation time. When she has him for 5 months continuously, it's radio silence, but if we have him, it's full contact. His visitation always makes things messy. 

It's just every little thing with BM... anything she can do to play a game or manipulate time, she will. Pisses me off because I could never do that to a child, regardless of the feelings I have toward the ex. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, been there, done that. BM here was just the same, only really smart, so she found loopholes galore to exploit. My DH too learned quickly to stand up to her and not give an inch. Yours is laser-focused though, BM here waxed and waned in how much trouble she wanted to cause. We'd go for a while without any, then it would start up again. 

advice.only2's picture

God forbid she allow SS to spend even one more second with his own father! I mean really what a cow, the sad part is if it was anybody other than the child's actual father she would probably be just fine letting him stay the extra time.
ETA that's probably how I would have responded to her "BM you and I both know it's just because it's me that you can't stand son being here, if it was anybody else you would have no problem with it." I know I know that solves nothing but it would be nice to just shove it in her face.

tog redux's picture

We always found that the more face-shoving, the higher the conflict went, and the more certain she would be to show up early and cause trouble. Not worth it.  Then she'd show the court how she was just being responsible about her and SS's safety and DH attacked her. 

CastleJJ's picture

BM is a total narcissist so shoving it in her face makes her giddy... ignoring her is what pisses her off. 

And yes, when it's anyone but DH it's fine. SS has missed school for BM's family and friends. She pulled SS out of school for two days for a friend's wedding. She has taken SS to hotels overnight on school nights because BM's girlfriend goes on business trips an hour away and BM can't stand being without her, so she will drive SS to the hotel and they will sleepover with GF ON SCHOOL NIGHTS... Yet DH can't get even minutes more... 

She used to pick SS up from our house on Saturdays and then go visit her parents 2 hours away until Monday or Tuesday. When DH questioned why he couldn't have SS until Sundays, BM said it was because SS needed to see her parents too... BM has 46 weeks of the year she can take SS to see her parents, but she only does it during pick ups because we are the halfway point to them and it's convenient. 

Maxwell09's picture

She can drive to town early and sit around and wait until 3 to get SS if it bothers her so much. In the future one quick "no, that wont work for me" is all he should send back and then ignore the rest. She will only argue and try to trap him into agreeing or compromising (and that last bit about reevaluating Sunday and letting her know is only encouragement at this point). But overall I think it went well. He just needs to hold his boundaries. He can even offer to drop SS off to BM after 3 if she is uncomfortable driving. 

CastleJJ's picture

He is ultimately concerned about SS's safety. SS will have a 4 hour drive partially in the dark on Monday and they are predicting 8 inches of snow. DH will allow the shift to be made if it is dangerous, but he isn't giving in until we know what the weather will actually be. DH won't drive SS to BM because he would have to leave at 11 am (the court order includes drive time as parenting time) so 3 pm is when he would have to drop SS off with BM, plus that's 8 hours round-trip for DH, which he just did today, and it only makes BM's life more convenient. 

If the weather is supposed to be terrible, DH will make the shift, but demand 3 extra hours on Easter Sunday, since we have SS for spring break this year. I would be happy with that trade.

OKtoStep's picture

DD's school is still open today but I am absolutely waiting for stbexdh to text that it's too dangerous to drive her the mile and a half to the exchange point. He pulled that a couple of times with BM way back in the day so I know he knows the "but the weather is bad" trick.